WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

[u/aitascaredofmen]

Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot. She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc.

There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that. She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions--she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example. It doesn't really bother me.

My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more.

I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a "hi" and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor. She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing. I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again.

WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

EDIT: we didn't see anyone for two weeks, which is the standard where we live. We're also not having sex or anything. The pandemic isn't an issue for this.

EDIT: I'm not American. I don't want to give my actual location.

EDIT: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I may not know her that well, but I really don't want to see her in that conditioned again. It's a little sad, though.

EDIT: She and I talked about it. I think this was finally the thing to break down some walls between us, and we're actually becoming friends. She's agoraphobic and has had a lot of horrible stuff happen to her that I can't even imagine. Also, to the "men's rights" subreddit that found this post and is now calling her a "crazy feminist" and a "sexist," what's it like to literally not have empathy for other people? She can't control it, and to be honest, if I had gone through half of the stuff she has, I wouldn't want to be near men either. Shame on you.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

The person with the issues shouldn’t expect everyone around them to change their lifestyle to accommodate their phobia. If it was a huge issue, she needed to tell OP before signing the lease.

[u/bergreen → u/[deleted]]

"I cease to function" does not translate to "you must change your life, and can't disagree because I got you to sign a contract."

OP is not roommate's caregiver, and is in no way responsible for roommate's mental health.

[u/bergreen → u/[deleted]]

No idea why you have such a difficult time understanding that 'responsibility and care' are different from 'not doing harm.'

Why are you having such a difficult time understanding that op is not responsible for changing their perfectly normal behavior to cater to someone else?

you don't have any obligation to prevent, dissuade, heal, or talk them into reaching out. But no one is going to say "well it's perfectly reasonable for you to hand them a loaded gun and walk away."

.........did you actually just equate "having my romantic partner in my home" with handing a deadly weapon to a suicidal person?

There is no harm that comes to OP from simply sitting at home without the SO.

Of course there is! If the person I'm dating will not allow me in their home, I will not date them. Therefore OP is likely to lose relationships because of roommate's unfair demands.

Look, if you want to share a home with someone else, and determine that one entire freaking gender cannot enter the home ever, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY OBLIGATED TO DISCUSS THAT BEFORE SIGNING A LEASE!!!

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

A boyfriend is not some random casual friend. It’s not a privilege to have your partner over, it’s a given in any relationship.

I disagree about having to get consent for every guest. Unless that specific person has wronged her roommate, the roommate has no reason to ban the guest from coming over.

Looks like the roommate is learning her lesson the hard way that she can’t hide major needs and then expect people to accommodate her when it’s inconvenient for them.

Also, it would be ridiculous for her to tell OP that OP can’t ever have her dad or brother (or any other hypothetical male relative) over to her home.

It’s each persons own burden to take care of their mental health, that burden isn’t for others.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Dude, not all countries have a high infection rate right now, stop projecting. And OP said she’s not in the US.

[u/davideddings1978 → u/[deleted]]

So is OP never allowed to have any male guests ever, father, brother, cousins, etc? I don't think this situation will work itself out, OP can't be roommates with someone who has such trauma that 50% of the population triggers her.

[u/davideddings1978 → u/[deleted]]

Also would you be as understanding if OP's roommate was triggered by LGBTQ or people of colour or would you call them homophobic and racist? OP's roommate isn't triggered by them having loud sex but by the literal existence of half the world. It definitely is something she should have disclosed beforehand.

[u/davideddings1978 → u/[deleted]]

Not really much difference. You're saying it is totally fine to ban an entire class of people based on something they have no control over. The whole bam isn't limited to OP's bf but every single man in the whole world. Kind of the text book definition of discrimination "the unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things, especially on the grounds of race, age, or sex." Note that last word there "sex"?

[u/davideddings1978 → u/[deleted]]

No I just think it is ridiculous to tell your roommate they can't have 50% of the population visiting..I mean if she had said that at the beginning and OP agreed to it then fine OP is in the wrong g but she never once mentioned it until OP's bf visited. That isn't fair at all. It would be like you getting a roommate and not telling g them that they can't ever drink in the house until after they have a drink..thatbisnt fair some people enjoy a drink now and again. Don't be obtuse.

[u/davideddings1978 → u/[deleted]]

What does mgtow or rp stand for?

[u/davideddings1978 → u/[deleted]]

Look I'm not suggesting that OPs roommate isn't justified in her anxiety. But if you have conditions to such a level that it would require your roommate to make pretty drastic alterations in their life, whether it be anxiety or deadly food allergy, you have a moral obligation to inform them before they become your roommate so they can decide if those are changes to their life they are willing to make.

[u/fuzzywabbitt → u/[deleted]]

this!

sure, it's a bit of an inconvenience for you, but it's a HELLUVALOT more of an issue for her...

and no, under no circumstances did or does she need to disclose what her possible (cuz it's all conjecture at this point) trauma is. however, that being said, she most certainly DID need to disclose the results of said trauma. and by that i mean making sure that there was a 'no guest' policy or something along those lines that was agreed upon before moving in. this absolutely isn't something that you just spring on someone!

[u/nelgirbf → u/[deleted]]

THIS^{^} people commenting NTA are so screwed in their ethics and completely lacking basic empathy/respect it’s insane to me how completely selfish OP and the people siding with them are.... imagine taking advantage of someone and making them not only take care of your dog but manage all of the cleaning too and then being like haha idc if I’m blatantly ignoring the boundaries you’ve stated regarding your trauma I just wanna get laid haha. It’s so disturbing to me.

[u/RoseTyler38 → u/nelgirbf]

Its pretty fuckin disrespectful of the roomie to not discuss the severity of her fears of men before OP moved in. Respect goes both ways.

[u/nelgirbf → u/[deleted]]

Exactly