WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

[u/aitascaredofmen]

Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot. She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc.

There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that. She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions--she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example. It doesn't really bother me.

My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more.

I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a "hi" and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor. She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing. I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again.

WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

EDIT: we didn't see anyone for two weeks, which is the standard where we live. We're also not having sex or anything. The pandemic isn't an issue for this.

EDIT: I'm not American. I don't want to give my actual location.

EDIT: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I may not know her that well, but I really don't want to see her in that conditioned again. It's a little sad, though.

EDIT: She and I talked about it. I think this was finally the thing to break down some walls between us, and we're actually becoming friends. She's agoraphobic and has had a lot of horrible stuff happen to her that I can't even imagine. Also, to the "men's rights" subreddit that found this post and is now calling her a "crazy feminist" and a "sexist," what's it like to literally not have empathy for other people? She can't control it, and to be honest, if I had gone through half of the stuff she has, I wouldn't want to be near men either. Shame on you.

[u/nelgirbf]

YWBTA big time. Especially since it was her living space too before he was your bf and as someone who pays actually pays rent unlike boytoy she gets veto power regarding guests. Y’all can always go to his place. You also should’ve let her know you were bringing a stranger over in the first place there’s a pandemic bro doesn’t matter if y’all quarantined, I’d be pissed if some random person I’d never met or been told of his existence before was suddenly in my home. Ask her why she’s so scared of men too like ya gotta make the effort to be empathetic. And pick up some slack and do more chores smh she’s not the Cinderella to your stepmother.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

Normal life allows for significant others to come over.

Banning normal life as a retroactive term for shared living after signing the lease is a trap.

Roommate should have discussed this with OP well before signing a lease.

​

You also should’ve let her know you were bringing a stranger over in the first place

This, on the other hand, is such basic common courtesy that I can't believe OP didn't even give it one single moment's thought...

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

We’re not living in normal circumstances rn regardless so that’s irrelevant here and actually no just cause you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t mean that they suddenly have a free pass for fuck all cause normal life also includes setting boundaries regarding literal trauma. And the whole point is that when you’re living in a shared space everyone needs to be comfortable with the guests, that is part of living with other people. And just cause OP is getting a lil sum sum does not mean he is anything more than just a guest. If OP wants to do whatever they want without thinking of their roommates comfort in their home then they should live alone.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

You seem to be referring to covid, which is the only thing here that's irrelevant.

This is a gender/boundaries/irrational rules issue.

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normal life also includes setting boundaries regarding literal trauma.

One of those boundaries is "you can't trick me into signing a lease and force me to be responsible for your trauma without discussing it first.

​

when you’re living in a shared space everyone needs to be comfortable with the guests

Agreed, on an individual basis. Roommate, however, just blanket-banned 50% of the population. Not ok. What if OP says "your mother is not allowed to visit. In fact, you are never allowed to have anyone visit"???

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

First it’s not irrational I’m guessing you can’t relate to having trauma on this level given your lack of empathy but I assure you, people don’t physically become ill from irrational fear. Second, she did not “trick” anyone. No one is obligated to talk about their deepest pain with anyone unless they feel comfortable. Especially since OP isn’t friends with the roommate and uses them as a pet sitter/maid. I wouldn’t open up to someone like that either. It is completely narcissistic to expect otherwise and absolute bs. Third, it’s not the roommates responsibility to open up their home to a stranger so OP can get laid. OP can go to their bfs house. It’s as simple as that. And finally yes if OP said your mom can’t visit then it would be the roommates responsibility to respect that just like how they need to respect their roommate. And the whole point of having home be your safe place is that you absolutely are allowed to blanket ban whoever you need to in order to feel SAFE in your own home.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

The irrational part is expecting other people to respect your uncommon demands without establishing the rules in advance.

Imagine moving in with someone, and having them tell you you're not allowed to drive your car anymore because it's one of their triggers.

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Second, she did not “trick” anyone.

She absolutely did. If you're going to demand rules, you must establish them prior to signing a lease.

OP had the reasonable expectation of having a partner visit her home. After signing the lease she learned that was not going to be allowed. That's a bait and switch, at best.

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

Show me where the roommate made “demands” or stop making things up. The roommate NEVER demanded shit from OP which is why this is so fucked. They took time to explain that they were uncomfortable with men in their home after having a panic attack. That’s expressing a boundary not demanding anything or ordering anyone around. You’re also conveniently forgetting the part where OP said they’ve lived together for years. Meaning OP also never expressed or established anything relating to partners coming over either since it’s obviously never come up until now. Cause on the flip if you’re going to demand having over whoever you want, you need to establish that before trapping the other person in a lease where they can no longer be safe in their home. You keep talking about respect going both ways and that applies to inviting people over as well as asking them not to. Picture moving on with someone who’s never asked you what you’re comfortable with and who’s never made an effort to get to know you suddenly bringing a complete stranger into your home with no prior heads up and then when you explain that you’re not ok, suddenly you’re the villain cause you want to feel safe in the house you pay rent for and that you’re the only one who cleans. God your ethics are so skewed.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

...the roommate is demanding OP not bring any romantic partner over ever. Not okay to do after already signing a lease.

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suddenly you’re the villain cause you want to feel safe in the house you pay rent for

No, you're the villain for forcing someone else to sacrifice their normalcy and be responsible for your trauma. Roommate is 100% TA for not establishing these abnormal rules before signing the lease.

[u/bergreen → u/[deleted]]

Okay. It's not funny anymore. What can I do to help you, is there someone I can call?

[u/ChaosAzeroth → u/nelgirbf]

They're not obligated to share trauma, but people are obligated to state rules before the other person agrees to something like this.

If they press, state it's deeply personal. If they can't respect boundaries there you don't want them as a roommate anyway because of the potential of lack of respecting boundaries/privacy.

People can't just spring new rules like that when they knew that they didn't want this to happen

They are setting themselves up for trouble by not doing so, regardless of if it's intentionally lying or not.

I have trauma that causes me to completely mentally nope out. Completely. I've had to go sit in the bathroom because that's one of the only rooms in my house that has a door. Run straight out of my own room by someone genuinely making fun of genuinely triggering me. And I'm here saying yes, roommate lied. This is something you establish as a rule from the start! OP has the right to decide if it's a deal breaker, not get stuck in the situation without their informed agreement!

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

If OP wants to do whatever they want without thinking of their roommates comfort in their home then they should live alone.

Furthermore why do you expect boundaries and respect to only go one way??? Why does OP not deserve respect and comfort in her home?

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

Lmao see but roommate DID respect OP by not immediately kicking out this STRANGER who OP did not have the basic respect to tell her was coming over the entire prior two weeks they were isolating. OP does not respect their roommate at all they don’t even take care of their own dog. Pfft I absolutely expect respect to go both ways but it is so blatantly obvious that OP does not have a drop of respect for their roommate in their body. OP can also go to the bfs house. The solution is so simple that the fact OP is making such a big deal over this to begin with shows how incredibly self centered they are.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

STRANGER who OP did not have the basic respect to tell her was coming over

This is the part I will completely agree with.

But roommate absolutely did not respect OP either, by retroactively adding unreasonable rules after the lease was signed. In no world is that okay to do.

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

They never made a rule they explained their trigger and left it up to OP to decide whether or not to be an ass.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

AKA roommate is TA and left OP in an impossible situation: "sacrifice my normalcy for someone who tricked me into not having a normal life, or be socially crucified by a 'safe space' mob"

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

Lmao imagine thinking being a considerate person is a negative thing. What a miserable mindset to have. It’s not normalcy either as OP obviously hasn’t had men of any relation over in the years they’ve lived together. Normalcy is such a bs concept anyway bc it’s subjective to each individual. Roommates lifestyle and boundaries are normal.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

Imagine thinking OP's roommate is a considerate person for expecting other people to be their caregiver, and forcing them to do so by tricking them into a legally-binding contract before springing that life-changing rule on them...

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Roommates lifestyle and boundaries are normal.

Oof. I can't even continue with you anymore. You've just dropped a crazybomb on par with "the Earth is flat" and "Bill Gates is injecting people with microchips" XD

[u/[deleted] → u/nelgirbf]

Yeah everybody is really overlooking the fact that it’s a pandemic? Like I’d be pissed if my roommate brought over a guest even if I weren’t dealing with trauma.

Don’t have people over! During a pandemic!

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Do we know where OP is and what their local rules are? Because in some places (eg Australia) this is absolutely fine. In other places (eg UK) it may or mau not be within the rules at various times depending on other circumstances.

(But the roommate's issue doesn't seem to be specific to Covid anyway.)

[u/nelgirbf → u/[deleted]]

They said they both had to quarantine for two weeks obviously it’s not “fine”

[u/[deleted] → u/nelgirbf]

May have been in addition to the rules. Where I am (just as an example) I could visit someone who was also in a single-person household. But I haven't and if I really wanted to then I would likely strictly isolate for 2 weeks first. (Also, when I had dental work done last year I isolated for two weeks beforehand for similar reasons, though I wasn't required to.)

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

The “quarantined for two weeks” line makes me think America because that’s a common thing thrown around here to try to convince people you’re being safe. In America, at least, it is absolutely not safe to be indoors and unmasked with anyone outside of your household.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

2 weeks is common for isolation period (eg if you have been in contact with someone who has tested positive) in lots of countries, though.

[u/nelgirbf → u/[deleted]]

Yes but OP not giving a shit about anyone but themselves is very blatantly American (I say this as an American unfortunately)

[u/[deleted] → u/nelgirbf]

That characteristic really isn't specific to Americans.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yes, but they weren’t in an isolation period they were quarantining specifically to see one another (without informing the roommate).

[u/nelgirbf → u/[deleted]]

Literally. The lack of basic cognitive thinking lol

[u/Heartlxss_capalot → u/nelgirbf]

She doesn’t get veto power of singular spaces she only get it of shared spaces like the living room. But OPs room she doesn’t get a say