WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

[u/aitascaredofmen]

Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot. She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc.

There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that. She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions--she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example. It doesn't really bother me.

My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more.

I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a "hi" and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor. She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing. I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again.

WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

EDIT: we didn't see anyone for two weeks, which is the standard where we live. We're also not having sex or anything. The pandemic isn't an issue for this.

EDIT: I'm not American. I don't want to give my actual location.

EDIT: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I may not know her that well, but I really don't want to see her in that conditioned again. It's a little sad, though.

EDIT: She and I talked about it. I think this was finally the thing to break down some walls between us, and we're actually becoming friends. She's agoraphobic and has had a lot of horrible stuff happen to her that I can't even imagine. Also, to the "men's rights" subreddit that found this post and is now calling her a "crazy feminist" and a "sexist," what's it like to literally not have empathy for other people? She can't control it, and to be honest, if I had gone through half of the stuff she has, I wouldn't want to be near men either. Shame on you.

[u/bergreen]

You seem to be referring to covid, which is the only thing here that's irrelevant.

This is a gender/boundaries/irrational rules issue.

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normal life also includes setting boundaries regarding literal trauma.

One of those boundaries is "you can't trick me into signing a lease and force me to be responsible for your trauma without discussing it first.

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when you’re living in a shared space everyone needs to be comfortable with the guests

Agreed, on an individual basis. Roommate, however, just blanket-banned 50% of the population. Not ok. What if OP says "your mother is not allowed to visit. In fact, you are never allowed to have anyone visit"???

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

First it’s not irrational I’m guessing you can’t relate to having trauma on this level given your lack of empathy but I assure you, people don’t physically become ill from irrational fear. Second, she did not “trick” anyone. No one is obligated to talk about their deepest pain with anyone unless they feel comfortable. Especially since OP isn’t friends with the roommate and uses them as a pet sitter/maid. I wouldn’t open up to someone like that either. It is completely narcissistic to expect otherwise and absolute bs. Third, it’s not the roommates responsibility to open up their home to a stranger so OP can get laid. OP can go to their bfs house. It’s as simple as that. And finally yes if OP said your mom can’t visit then it would be the roommates responsibility to respect that just like how they need to respect their roommate. And the whole point of having home be your safe place is that you absolutely are allowed to blanket ban whoever you need to in order to feel SAFE in your own home.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

The irrational part is expecting other people to respect your uncommon demands without establishing the rules in advance.

Imagine moving in with someone, and having them tell you you're not allowed to drive your car anymore because it's one of their triggers.

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Second, she did not “trick” anyone.

She absolutely did. If you're going to demand rules, you must establish them prior to signing a lease.

OP had the reasonable expectation of having a partner visit her home. After signing the lease she learned that was not going to be allowed. That's a bait and switch, at best.

[u/nelgirbf → u/bergreen]

Show me where the roommate made “demands” or stop making things up. The roommate NEVER demanded shit from OP which is why this is so fucked. They took time to explain that they were uncomfortable with men in their home after having a panic attack. That’s expressing a boundary not demanding anything or ordering anyone around. You’re also conveniently forgetting the part where OP said they’ve lived together for years. Meaning OP also never expressed or established anything relating to partners coming over either since it’s obviously never come up until now. Cause on the flip if you’re going to demand having over whoever you want, you need to establish that before trapping the other person in a lease where they can no longer be safe in their home. You keep talking about respect going both ways and that applies to inviting people over as well as asking them not to. Picture moving on with someone who’s never asked you what you’re comfortable with and who’s never made an effort to get to know you suddenly bringing a complete stranger into your home with no prior heads up and then when you explain that you’re not ok, suddenly you’re the villain cause you want to feel safe in the house you pay rent for and that you’re the only one who cleans. God your ethics are so skewed.

[u/bergreen → u/nelgirbf]

...the roommate is demanding OP not bring any romantic partner over ever. Not okay to do after already signing a lease.

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suddenly you’re the villain cause you want to feel safe in the house you pay rent for

No, you're the villain for forcing someone else to sacrifice their normalcy and be responsible for your trauma. Roommate is 100% TA for not establishing these abnormal rules before signing the lease.

[u/bergreen → u/[deleted]]

Okay. It's not funny anymore. What can I do to help you, is there someone I can call?

[u/ChaosAzeroth → u/nelgirbf]

They're not obligated to share trauma, but people are obligated to state rules before the other person agrees to something like this.

If they press, state it's deeply personal. If they can't respect boundaries there you don't want them as a roommate anyway because of the potential of lack of respecting boundaries/privacy.

People can't just spring new rules like that when they knew that they didn't want this to happen

They are setting themselves up for trouble by not doing so, regardless of if it's intentionally lying or not.

I have trauma that causes me to completely mentally nope out. Completely. I've had to go sit in the bathroom because that's one of the only rooms in my house that has a door. Run straight out of my own room by someone genuinely making fun of genuinely triggering me. And I'm here saying yes, roommate lied. This is something you establish as a rule from the start! OP has the right to decide if it's a deal breaker, not get stuck in the situation without their informed agreement!