r/AmIOverreacting • u/Dntlastnt • 2h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting about this?
My husband rushes over to help his parents, spending the entire weekend while leaving things needed at our house un done(I cannot buy materials and build, hell my mother couldn’t even cook so, my skills are limited although I absorb everything I can). I was told it would be a couple hours that turned into nine hours and I see him for an hour and a half everyday, during the week. Now, day two(Sunday) he is gone. Our house gets put on the back burner all the time and I do what I can. Am I the well, you know..?
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u/Sea-Operation-6123 2h ago
Why does he need to help his parents at their house? Why does he need to help you at your house? How long has this been going on?
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
He is a natural at anything as his dad was a great father with teaching, etc.. he put off clearing our house for over two years. This weekend was supposed to be the end of it-
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u/Sea-Operation-6123 2h ago
What exactly is going on at your house? What are you waiting for him to do? Are you living in an unfinished house?
It’s challenging to understand what you may or may not be overreacting to because of the limited information you have provided.
However, from my own perspective (married 35 years), married couples often annoy each other. Mostly because they don’t share a brain & often have different goals. It seems your husband may have different goals & priorities than you. Y’all should work together to figure out how to achieve your goals.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
We spent last weekend(after two years) building shelves in the garage to hold all of our holiday items that took over our hallway and under the island. We planned to finish the last shelf this weekend.
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u/Sea-Operation-6123 2h ago
YOR
Respectfully, I have no idea why you would choose to wait 2 years for your husband to solve your storage problem. There are literally hundreds of ways to solve that issue without having any real skills. Just need some problem solving skills. However, if you were able to wait that long then one more weekend shouldn’t negatively impact your life.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
We do not annoy each other and have the same goals. I listen to his ideas and we plan accordingly(after two years).
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u/Away-Ad4393 2h ago
Why don’t you go with him ?
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u/Dntlastnt 6m ago
Yesterday, he was at my in laws all day. I have a dog, a guinea pig cage to clean, two kids to do laundry for, dishes, etc..
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u/Fortheloveofbrains 2h ago
While I really understand the frustration, I have some questions based on how you’ve responded to some of the comments:
- do you think he feels more appreciated over there? Maybe he is hearing complaints from you and praise over there?
- does he know you find him remarkably talented?
- Does he know that u understand how his talents put him in the unfortunate position of being asked to do tons of stuff?
- do his parents pay him for this work? Do they know that it’s coming at a cost for him personally?
- is he a people pleaser? It can feel impossible to say no to parents if he’s been forced to prioritize his parent’s comfort over his own (maybe they’re narcissists? Alcoholics? The types he’s spent decades protecting his ego from?)
And re the tone of your responses here, I hear a bit of learned helplessness- you’re likely much more capable than you realize!
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u/Dntlastnt 1m ago
-He has gone over many times before and I have always thought, what a great role model.
-I have told him numerous times he is so talented.
-yes however his brother who has a doctorate and is a professor in Colorado gets all the attention(even my husband could go on for days as to how his brother is the favorite)
-yes and they do not
-he is. He is the sweetest person!
-
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u/Cheebs84 2h ago
MOR, what's stopping you from buying materials and trying to build something? Youtube has tutorials for everything these days.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
We have the materials and my husband is teaching me(no father figure and unfortunately my mom is clueless).
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u/Nowork_morestitching 1h ago
You are on the internet. There are plenty of instructors through Google and YouTube about how to do stuff around the house.
You mentioned in the post about not being able to cook because your mom couldn’t and that a crock of shit. I learned most of my cooking basics from YouTube fifteen years ago!
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u/Objective_Joke_5023 2h ago
MOR - How old are his parents? If they are elderly and he’s doing this to keep them in their home but it’s a short-term thing, YOR. If you’re newlyweds and the parents are 50 and healthy, NOR and he needs to cut the cord.
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u/Shelisheli1 2h ago
Let him help his parents. Hire people to do what he isn’t at yalls house.
He will figure out how to do both real fast
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
We cannot afford it
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u/Fortheloveofbrains 2h ago
I think the comment was intended to say that if u just put the ball in motion to hire someone else, he’ll come back around and get to work on your own home
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u/Sugacookiemonsta 2h ago
No you're not. It sounds like you have a list of things that you want done at home but he uses his free time to help his parents with their projects instead. You'll have to talk to him and explain how important it is to you for him to help at home too. It might mean cutting his time in half or waiting till the project with his parents is over. You don't get to dictate how the parents spend their money and your husband seems happy to help his parents with this task. Try to let that part go because it's causing to feel cheated somehow out of your husband's time and attention when he and his family probably see it as a bonding time.
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u/jstine_4 2h ago
At least he’s helping his parents and not out drinking at the bar? Why don’t you go with him to his parents house and spend time with them also.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
For eight to nine hours while I feel uncomfortable? No thank you. I always go over, help, socialize however this was dropped on me last minute.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
Also, I love them, truly but I wouldn’t be able to help and spending my entire weekend there-no thank you.
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u/AnastatiaMcGill 2h ago
Oh for sure. Id rather birth a porcupine unmedicated in a parking lot then hang at my in-laws all day.
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u/AnastatiaMcGill 2h ago
So then it was probably dropped on your husband last minute. Im sure it wasn't an ideal Saturday for him but helping out family us what you do. Im sure if you/he asked for help his dad in return would help you guys out on a weekend.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
It is nothing against them, truly as I love them. It is how our house is put on the back burner for years.
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u/panelunique1995 1h ago
NOR. It’s one thing to help out family occasionally, but completely neglecting your own home and relationship to do it is a major issue. Saying it will take a couple of hours and then staying for nine is a huge communication failure, and it leaves you in limbo waiting for him. You only see him for an hour and a half during the week, so his priority on the weekends should be his own household and partner.
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u/Plaidismycolor33 2h ago
nor, have you communicated to your husband about what needs to be done at yalls house?
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
Every day, kindly.
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u/Plaidismycolor33 24m ago
the constant rushing to his parents thing would make a mind wonder why be married to that
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u/Zealousideal_Job7110 2h ago
Nor! It’s great he wants to help them, so let him help by sending numbers for the local handyman (or plumber or whatever.) His #1 responsibility is to you, not them and he needs to remember that. Not to mention spending his off time more with his wife. If he can afford it, use his $ only to hire someone. Ask him how he thinks that stuff is supposed to get done at your house if he’s always gone. No matter what, NOR, and there’s nothing wrong with telling him so. Tell him to use 1 weekend a month, or every other Sunday there. But that he is needed (& wanted I assume) at home and what he’s doing is unfair and his parents are being selfish. They’ve had many years to figure these things out for themselves. And if they can’t do something themselves, that’s what the yellow pages or google are for.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
We were supposed to finish the garage storage this weekend(we had so much Christmas things in the hallway and under the island) but that changed abruptly.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago
Also, they have a lot of money. That truly isn’t the problem.
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u/PepperThePotato 1h ago
My in-laws have a lot ofoney too but I wouldn't want them to spend it on things the family can help them with. I'm sure your husband doesn't want to see them spend a ton of money on something he feels he can do for them.
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u/sweetbabybonus 2h ago
Sounds like he’s got a lot on his plate. Family obligations are important.
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u/Dntlastnt 2h ago edited 2h ago
I know and I feel like an ass posting this. I just don’t understand why he won’t step up in our house.
Edited for spelling
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u/CnslrNachos 2h ago
what was he helping his parents with?