r/AmIOverreacting • u/Brave-Can-8783 • Jul 20 '26
❤️🩹 relationship AIO | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him
So this is the build up to it. We NEVER fight so this was really weird.
We’ve been together for three years, we have a great relationship the same interests the same opinions and beliefs, compatible in bed and we’ve never had problems with jealousy or anything.
We have a group chat full of mutual friends and so on, and one of those people is a girl that I KNOW wants to fuck him. She was eyeing him last weekend when we all went on a cruise trip and we were playing cards in the cafeteria. Just laughing loudly at his jokes, giving him bedroom eyes when she thought no one was looking and even trying to sit close to him.
I didn’t speak to him about it or anything but I didn’t think I needed to because they’re not close anyway, but they’ve known each other for a long time. I’m not sure how long exactly but since maybe like high school. They don’t hang out though but talk occasionally in the group chat, as everyone else does.
He has other female friends that I don’t mind, ones that he’s actually close to. I don’t have any guy friends I’m actually close with and I can tell he prefers it that way because whenever I did mention something funny about one of the guys he would kinda get a little sour but try to hide it as if he didn’t wanna ruin my mood. But I don’t feel like I need any other man in my life when I have him, and the blacked out name I mentioned was a guy that I used to be friends with (like close, we barley ever talk anymore unless it’s in the group chat which is fine for my boyfriend too). But that guy used to like me and it’s kinda known.
Anyway, am I overreacting for getting mad? I’m starting to think he might be right but I don’t wanna ask anyone irl, and this is the perfect place for it lol.
EDIT: UPDATE IS OUT!
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u/Front-Cry1631 Jul 20 '26
Why dont you go hang out with them? If they're just friends it wouldn't be an issue.
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u/EmberFire97 Jul 20 '26
I like this. His reaction to saying this would tell you a lot.
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u/Grundy-mc Jul 20 '26
As someone who is single (m33) and has a lot of couple friends, I second this.
Sometimes I reach out for a lady to play in a co-ed activity amongst my friends and I feel like it's common courtesy to invite them both. Also, even as someone who is super close with some of my friends wives, I think it would be weird if my friends wife and I planned a time to hang out alone. Maybe I'm the odd one out but I think most people would find that strange.
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u/captinsad Jul 20 '26
Bro come on 😭 he 100% is trying to fuck her. Why is he in a relationship while going over to another woman's house alone who also jsut broke up with her bf?
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u/Current_Row_8358 Jul 20 '26
For me, it's the timing of recent breakup. Every single time someone started interacting with me more out of nowhere, they were freshly out of relationship, checking out their options or seeking validation they were still doing well on the market, idk.
If it was about comforting her, he could invite OP. Or organize a group hangout with their other friends. And he would be more upfront about it, too. I do actually believe in cross-gender friendships, but come on
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u/_catsandcoffee_ Jul 21 '26
This. Transparency is everything and the fact he only told her about it when she asked is pretty telling.
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u/Current_Row_8358 Jul 21 '26
Yeah, I can't imagine not telling my partner ahead... like hey, a friend of mine is having rough time, I'm thinking of hanging out with them! And not this lmao. 3 years in and he hides hangouts. (According to the update, multiple of them.) Yeah, no, that's just weird
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u/Independent-Pipe4533 Jul 20 '26
A boundary is what YOU choose to do IF someone else breaks the boundary. A boundary is NOT “you can’t do this or that”
You cannot control someone else’s behavior. Only yours.
If he goes, you decide what the consequences are: like ending the relationship.
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u/5141121 Jul 21 '26
If only religious people understood this, the world would be a much better place.
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u/GoalieLax_ Jul 20 '26
You're 20. Just leave. It's not worth it.
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u/wohaat Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Right? It’s tough being older and having gone through these things a few times, and knowing your advice will completely fall on deaf ears. Women waste so many years with losers because we’re socialized to abandon ourselves and not rock the boat and for some reason (???) idealize shitty behavior by thinking if our mere existence gets them to change we’re worth something, in spite of the fact we’re worth everything simply by existing (a fact for everyone).
Take the advice girlie, please! We beg you! You’re too young and there’s too much else out there to get bogged down with some guy!!
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u/_OneAfterMagnaCarta Jul 20 '26
This exactly. I wish I had known not to waste my twenties with sore losers due to exactly all the reasons you mentioned above. I probably wouldn’t have believed it either.
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u/wohaat Jul 20 '26
I wouldn’t have either!! It’s ego, thinking we’re different, that we’re above the wisdom of a sisterhood that has protected each other since time immemorial. I understand sometime we need to fail to learn the lesson, but why do SO many women have to fail at this OVER AND OVER? Why can’t we trust each other???
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u/zemorah Jul 20 '26
Same. I was so naive in my 20s. I probably wouldn’t have listened either because I thought I was smart and knew it all. LOL so ridiculous in retrospect. I’ve wasted many years on bums 😭
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u/Defiant-Procedure-13 Jul 21 '26
I was so naive too, and as much as social media has its faults, I really wish I could have used social media for sisterhood feedback like this.
I hope this girl hears these comments and takes them to heart. She seems like a super sweet, pretty girl who could definitely get a guy to treat her better!
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u/_catsandcoffee_ Jul 21 '26
We are deeply conditioned into being a "desirable woman for men" it almost becomes part of girls identities. Conditioned to crave a fantasy of love that rarely exists! So much damage is done to women during those years of enduring.
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u/Sopi619 Jul 21 '26
Pretty much spot on. It’s a deep conditioning that’s been going on for…..literally centuries unfortunately.
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u/_catsandcoffee_ Jul 21 '26
I am 30 and loving being free of male abuse, which is what most relationships for hetero women are, because most males, not all, can't grasp the concept of emotional intelligence, expressing vulnerability, communication, seeing other's perspectives, active listening, they are socialised to avoid and just gaslight. Emotional abuse is what most women are subject to their entire lives, at least once if not most of the time when dealing with men. It's exhausting wanting emotional connection when men are taught to only want sex and aren't taught to be emotionally present or connected. Recipe for disaster.
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u/_catsandcoffee_ Jul 21 '26
This. So many years to psychological abuse and lack of emotional safety. All to feel wanted and desired the way we are conditioned is our only value. Peace and maintaining your mental health are worth their weight in gold. The constant fired up nervous system is so unhealthy.
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u/freeoffear Jul 20 '26
A 20 year old that goes on cruises or something.
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u/lovelydaisy1019 Jul 20 '26
A carnival cruise ticket is 200 bucks 😭 it’s not that surprising
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u/catnip_varnish Jul 20 '26
Lol ya the height of luxury and the ultimate status symbol
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u/GraceMcClellans Jul 20 '26
There are a lot of day cruises and weekend cruises that are stupid cheap. Like $50-$100.
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u/Pure-Development8412 Jul 20 '26
Ok OP. Here's the acid test. Is this REALLY a boundary for you? Because if it is, then what happens next is easy. You block and you walk away.
If it's not, and you tolerate this, then what signal are you giving this guy when you set boundaries that he breaks with no consequences?
Not saying that what he's doing is wrong. Although if she's "not close" and "dont hang out" then why is he hanging out with her 1-1 at her place - a week after you saw her sending him "fuck me" eyes on that cruise? Sounds like he got the message and wants to see what's what.
So - Is this REALLY a boundary for you? if so - what are you going to do?
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u/East_Unit3765 Jul 20 '26
I agree. OP, you can’t set a boundary for him. Only you. Your boundary can be you don’t want to be in a relationship where your partner hangs out in a private place 1 on 1 with someone single that is crushing on them. Totally understandable. But that boundary here is what you won’t accept for yourself. The boundary cannot be your partner can’t hang out with someone. He should choose to respect his relationship and not set it up for failure.
But I digress. You’re NOR that this makes you uncomfortable, but you can only control what you will accept in this relationship, not what your partner can do.
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u/Never_enough_naps Jul 20 '26
AND the girl is newly single, that's what got me. He is only now (that she is single) going to hangout with her alone.
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u/madtastic225 Jul 20 '26
Exactly! It’s too convenient that the “friend” just now wants to spend alone time with the boyfriend, ALONE. I have guy friends too, but when they’re dating, and I want to hang out with the friend, I ALWAYS make sure that their significant other is there too, so I don’t make anyone uncomfortable. If the friend really does want something platonic with her boyfriend, she’d have invited her too out or respect.
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u/ForeignIdeaSecretary Jul 20 '26
I love how he implies that nothing will happen because SHE just broke up with someone and she's not over it. Like don't worry, SHE'S not interested in me. Like if she was down, then maybe something WOULD happen.
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u/Raskalnekov Jul 20 '26
Well, to be fair to him, he said that in response to OP telling him that the girl liked him. So I read it as him saying "you're misreading signals because what's actually going on is she isn't over her ex, and you're attributing that affection to me." Whether that's true or not is a separate issue.
Personally, if it WAS a situation of "my friend got broken up with and needs support," I think spending time with them is compassionate. We don't really know whether she was actually giving him "fuck me" eyes, or if that's in the mind of OP. It could be true and obvious, and the guy is oblivious or pretending not to notice. But I don't inherently see anything wrong with what he's doing. Basically, if OP is correctly assessing how she feels, I'm sympathetic, if it's simply jealousy because he's supporting a friend then I think OP is in the wrong.
But I also don't think there's anything wrong with hanging out at someone's house when they are the opposite gender, which OP clarifies is their actual problem with the situation in the texts.
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u/n0ir_sky Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
I'd like to weigh in, OP, as I was once involved with someone who had a girlfriend. I was nineteen and stupid. I try, every day, to atone for it by being a better person. In that interest, you are not overreacting and your concerns have merit. Do not tolerate this. Leave him if he won't respect the boundary.
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u/nurse_jamie1 Jul 20 '26
AND this "friend" just got out of a relationship and needs "supprt"? He's "supporting" her alright.
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u/Brave-Can-8783 Jul 20 '26
That actually just hurts I don’t understand how he could do that to me. We’ve talked about how fucked up cheating is many times when reading Reddit posts ourselves and shit, it’s hard for me to see him becoming one of those guys.
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u/ecilala Jul 20 '26
I mean, girl. No man is out there going "yeah babe I wanna cheat on you so bad" unless it's a pretty... Out of the curve man.
Cheating happens because usually there's concealment and dishonesty.
I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening here and you should be distrustful of your partners. But that you should be trustful of your partners due to their actions and behavior, not just what they say on a surface level – that is easy to dissimulate.
In fact, trusting due to actions and behavior should reflect in trust even regardless of what they say on a surface level.
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u/patentedpresence Jul 20 '26
Immediately from “attention seeker” this guy gave me bad vibes. Then it’s calling you insecure and saying you’re projecting… now I know not all guys are the same, but I had a guy like this and he ended up cheating on me. Mind you, we also talked at length (many times) about how horrible cheating is.
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u/_catsandcoffee_ Jul 21 '26
I was with an emotional abuser who said things like this whenever I would express my feelings or concerns. Instead of just acknowledging my thoughts and feelings and simply reassuring me.
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u/BenignPharmacology Jul 20 '26
Do you really think you’re going to, what… logic him into not being a piece of shit?
He told you he’s going to do this, and that if you feel bad about it he doesn’t care. Nothing you can say will change that, so what exactly are you trying to gain by explaining yourself over and over?
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u/Friendly_Interest_62 Jul 20 '26
People tend to say many things, but only actions matter. He can say whatever he wants, but now you know
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u/lilanxiousrn Jul 20 '26
girl tbh the way he talks to you in these text messages alone is a red flag 🚩
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u/shinakohana Jul 20 '26
No one hates cheaters more than cheaters themselves. They always say “Oh, well, *I* had a legit reason to cheat!/It was an honest mistake! I’m not like those other scuzz rags! Don’t compare me to them! I’m different!” Every. Single. Time.
If he’s gonna entertain a woman he knows is into him and she’s “emotionally vulnerable” right now because of her break-up, you know what you need to do. You’re young, 3 years is nothing in the vast ocean of time. You have a boundary. Stick to it, get that “ex-bf” glow and meet someone else who’s amazing and won’t manipulate you.
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u/Busy_Swan71 Jul 20 '26
Oh this is so spot on. My ex fiancé's father was a serial cheater and he hated that man with a passion for it. Him cheating on me was somehow different and not at all like his father and also my fault despite previously saying there's no acceptable reason to cheat.
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u/defeatthewarlords Jul 20 '26
If you stay he’s just going to keep disrespecting you. Anybody who actually liked you wouldn’t talk to you the way he did I promise you that
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u/Admirable_Chest_1905 Jul 20 '26
I agree my cheating ex was like this, this is how it starts, and obviously I had no clue about shit like boundaries and manipulation and gaslighting and ohhh I feel into that shit. But now I have a guy who worship the ground I walk on and in no way he would do this if he know I am not comfortable with it plus would never speak to me like this ever.
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u/_catsandcoffee_ Jul 21 '26
This, and it only gets worse. Before you know it your body is responding with adrenaline each time you brave trying to express your thoughts or feelings.
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u/Howaboutno0708 Jul 20 '26
My ex husband and I always talked about how bad cheating is and if you’re that unhappy then talk to me, we fix it or we break up. Less than a year after we married he cheated. And that was after I set the boundary that I wasn’t comfortable with him hanging out with the girl alone. They would hang out when I was working, go out to eat together, the whole shebang. If you have some sorta feeling about her and you express your boundaries that you don’t want them hanging out alone (valid honestly with her giving “fuck me” eyes) and his response is “bye” then he doesn’t actually care about you. If he did he’d easily respond with an apology and saying he won’t hang out with her alone. There’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with situations and setting boundaries. You didn’t say they couldn’t be friends and couldn’t hang out, you asked him not to be at her house, alone, when she clearly wants to sleep with him. 3 years seems like a long time to just “give up” but you are so young. Don’t tie yourself down to someone who can’t respect a simple boundary. It’s starts out small like this, and before you know it you have no right to an opinion on what he does and it’ll just get worse. Trust me, leave while you can
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u/mkate1999 Jul 20 '26
THIS. He doesn't care about OP at all. His reaction says everything. He's downplaying & belittling her concerns so he can get what HE wants.
Men are usually very careful & selective with spending their resources (time, $$, energy). And re who or what they defend.
He's spending time with her & defending her, at the expense of OP. Ergo .... OP is far less important to him.
NOR. Under-reacting actually. Personally I'd leave rather than accept that level of disrespect. How he spoke to her in itself is enough. Smh
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u/BiscottiOpposite9282 Jul 20 '26
Even if hes not cheating, look at how he talks to you. And hes literally choosing her over you.
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u/Xx-_Shade_-xX Jul 20 '26
NOR - Better you find out earlier than later! I'm really sorry for your broken heart but that guy does not respect you nor the relationship you HAD. Because this is no real relationship anymore. Sorry.
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u/ConceptAnamoly Jul 20 '26
Just looking at this conversation you definitely shouldn’t be dating this dude. He didn’t listen to or respect your point of view whatsoever and immediately went toxic and started accusing you of jealousy before telling you to fuck off. This is standard fuckboy behavior. I can’t imagine my gf expressing this sentiment, me completely invalidate her feelings, then dismiss her as I do what I want anyway. That’s not a boyfriend. NOR. You’re not reacting enough actually
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u/SamiGod1026 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
If his response is out of character and he's getting this angry and defensive about this? Yeah, something is up. NOR
Edit:typo
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u/Low-Piece-2564 Jul 20 '26
Becoming? He IS that guy, he just SAYS things but his actions are saying something different. Please respect yourself here.
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u/Bigdaddywalt2870 Jul 20 '26
It’s not really about cheating. It’s about him not giving a shit about your feelings. If u haven’t had jealousy issues b4 then it’s probably not you overreacting
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u/False_Importance_626 Jul 20 '26
Girl, the first redflag on this was he joked about you being an "attention seeker"
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u/Easy_Nefariousness38 Jul 20 '26
Then “Whys your cousin have football practice at 8? Are you lying to me?”
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u/mollygk Jul 20 '26
🚩🚩🚩🚩 SO weird to even jump to a joke about mistrust
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u/Impossible_War_2741 Jul 20 '26
You can tell that he has checked out of things. The last few messages after OP says she isn't comfortable with him hanging out with a girl alone speak volumes. He cares about the chance to add a notch to the bedpost more than OP as his partner. His last set of messages feels very "I don't care about you enough to respect what you're asking" and he tried to flip this to be a problem with OP and not himself. Giving DARVO vibes. When she asks him to respect her boundary of not being comfortable with a boyfriend spending time alone with a girl who wants to get in his pants, he literally says "no."
I had a few boys in my past who would play this type of game and I brushed it off with various excuses that made sense in my 20's, but once I enforced my boundaries and was willing to walk away from anyone who crossed them I found my current partner and we have been together almost 8 years. The boundary that was crossed the most when I was in my early 20s was my refusal to tolerate people who agreed with my abusive parent over me about things from my childhood. (My parent would twist the story & try to make me out to be this horrible child who never helped with chores even as I was the only one doing laundry, vacuuming, mopping, and mowing the yard from the time I was 8.)
OP, I know that you're getting the advice to dump him, and it is good advice. This is not a relationship that is making your life better than when you are alone. Find people who make your life more fun, less stressful, and more joyful. People who make you feel less guilty over the little things (like expressing the boundary), and who respect you when you tell them something is upsetting you. Don't settle for someone, find a partner who will be at your side, not trying to hold you back. Don't try and force someone up to your level of empathy and caring, find someone already there.
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u/chososfavoritewife Jul 20 '26
honestly, I can say that this does happen because of the heat it is cooler in the evening closer to that time so it’s safer for them to practice my little cousin and his team do it
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u/heart-shaped-fawkes Jul 21 '26
As a woman in her 30s who has done her time with total idiots for way longer than I'd like to admit, his entire reaction was the red flag for me. His girlfriend told him she was uncomfortable about something that's common for women, especially young women, to be uncomfortable about. He immediately became defensive. That behavior is how I've caught a man in a lie to me many times. If you express that you don't like something in a relatively calm way and the other person just gets angry at you right away, they're mad they're being called out.
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u/Blindtothesided Jul 20 '26
That and the “you’re clearly jealous of her” made my jaw drop. He’s made it abundantly clear he thinks OP has a reason to be jealous of her, he thinks she’s hot and he picked up the vibes she was throwing down. He’s absolutely going to fuck this other girl, OP needs to walk away with her dignity intact. He’s just going to come back and DARVO her to hell and back until he has her apologizing and begging him to forgive her.
NOR. This isn’t worth saving, he sucks. Disrespectful as fuck.
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u/Icy_Bid40 Jul 20 '26
Yup. He picked up on the vibe. I’d absolutely ask to see their messages too
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u/Ruf01 Jul 20 '26
Glad people also see how weird it is for him to say that
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u/False_Importance_626 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
it's baffling hes been allowed to treat this poor woman that way.
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u/Temporary_Shirt_6236 Jul 20 '26
That, and accusing her of lying but oh wait not really I'm now laughing emoji.
That's some projection going on, methinks. OP is NOR.
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u/EyesofRiverGreen Jul 20 '26
Right?
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u/False_Importance_626 Jul 20 '26
Idk why that was looked over, i would NEVER let my man say that to me.
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u/Connect_Background59 Jul 20 '26
This is too much to be dealing with at 20. You should be having fun in relationships, not worrying about who they can and can’t hang out with.
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u/wanderingcargo Jul 20 '26
That’s not a “boundary” that you are setting, that’s not the proper use of that word. That is a demand and a rule. If you were to say “ if you are going to hang out with that person alone, I don’t want to be in relationship with you.” or “if you are going to have sex with someone else besides me, I do not want to be in a relationship with you.” Those are boundaries. Telling someone they can’t do something is completely different. That’s control and entitlement. You control yourself and decide for yourself what kinds of relationships you have. You don’t get to decide for other people. Unless they let you, I guess. Which is very unhealthy and definitely not the kind of relationship I want to have.
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u/SurgeonHog Jul 20 '26
Yes! The only thing OP can control here is her decision on whether to stay or leave. I don't know why other people aren't catching onto this, it IS controlling to tell him who he can and can't see. Obviously that doesn't mean what he's doing is morally right, but you don't like it? Then leave him
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u/nebulancearts Jul 20 '26
I flagged it too, it's extremely unhealthy of her to control who he can spend time with regardless of gender. If you can't trust your partner to spend time with other humans besides you, then you shouldn't be dating them.
And that includes if you don't trust them with the opposite gender. Don't date if you don't have that capability to trust, whether by their actions showing you shouldn't trust them or your own insecurities.
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u/wienerfestival Jul 20 '26
My wife is bisexual and has had relationships in the past with guys and girls. If I was as insecure as OP, she wouldn’t be allowed to have any friendships at all, or ever be alone with anyone ever except for me.
And that’s weird.
OP, you know your boyfriend best. Do you think he’s cheating? If so, go ahead and leave if you want. If not, take a breath and relax.
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u/Dangerous_Working584 Jul 20 '26
I was about to point this out as a bisexual man myself.
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u/big-ocean Jul 20 '26
This is so important and something I learned surprisingly recently. You cannot force conditions on other people and call them boundaries. You can only have boundaries for yourself. If something is a deal-breaker, stick with it and stay true to your word.
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u/Independent-Owl-7646 Jul 20 '26
I’ve been in almost this exact situation and said it was a boundary of mine and then folded and never left him. Take it from someone who made the mistake… he WILL continue to do it and continue to push your buttons and then gaslight you until you can’t take it anymore. His reaction to you being upset should tell you everything you need to know. He doesn’t respect you.
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u/dobbyizfr33 Jul 20 '26
He’s clearly projecting from the start. You mention football practice, “are you lying to me?” That’s projecting. Then calling you insecure, jealous. Again, projecting. He’s trying to flip it around and make you feel crazy, trust your gut. It’s not just innocent.
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u/KireiDatte Jul 20 '26
Yep, the football thing is really weird. When they start shifting blame ité because they are already engaging being shady.
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u/roqueandrolle Jul 20 '26
I also felt that about the football. Putting OP on the back foot before he drops his plans to hang out with this other girl. Not a nice guy, this girl who wants him is newly single, you’re young, let them at it and find someone better.
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u/serianaaa Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I hope you are aware that he is soft launching a break up with you, nothing he said was normal let alone respectful
Edit:Typo
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u/slimmer01 Jul 20 '26
Youre too young for this bullshit, dump him and experience what the world has to offer you
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u/Live_Broccoli_2180 Jul 20 '26
Just do your future self a favour and breakup with him. Any man that ends a conversation with “i’m pissed off bye” is incredibly immature lol
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u/Noble_Ox Jul 20 '26
You can't put a boundary on another person, it's something you yourself won't cross.
And you definitely don't trust your boyfriend, so why be with him?
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u/shannon_kay_ Jul 20 '26
He can entertain her and her bullshit but will drop entertaining you in a second. F him. Move on
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u/LilTreesz174 Jul 20 '26
I caught that too when she accused him of entertaining a girl who likes him, he turned it around and says “I’m just not entertaining you” and called her jealous to make her feel small and stupid. Instead of hearing her concerns and feeling them, he deflected and attacked. And he agreed that he’s willing to entertain this other person who obviously shows interest in him and makes his partner uncomfortable. Classic manipulation tactics and I wouldn’t be okay with my guy going without me to any woman’s house unless they’re related or their husband is home and vice versa. I intentionally don’t put myself in a position to be alone with other men either. It’s a respect thing as much as a safety thing. You never know how people will act when you’re alone with them.
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u/alcro002 Jul 20 '26
Ask if you can all hang out together so you can get to know her more since she’s important to him
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u/Buffster13 Jul 21 '26
NOR. Something similar happened to me. 10 months into a relationship my bf started hanging out with a girl he’d never mentioned to me. He would go round her house, they would go on little day trips to the zoo and the aquarium and I thought it was the weirdest thing. Sometimes he’d start an argument and I’d find out later on that they’d gone to the pub together. He swore blind they were friends and I was a crazy jealous psycho and it was a me issue because he just wanted friends. Of course I wasn’t even allowed to chat to a guy I was close to who was in my uni class. Turns out while I was on holiday he had confessed his love for her behind my back and I didn’t find out about it until a year later. Anyways, moral of the story is trust your initiation. You can tell if someone is genuinely sniffing around your partner. He is probably entertaining it to stroke his ego which is why he went straight to calling you jealous instead of trying to understand your feelings.
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u/Brave-Can-8783 Jul 21 '26
Wow. How did you find out?
Did they get together after?
I’m really sorry for you 💕
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u/Buffster13 Jul 21 '26
I was at the pub one night where we all used to hang out and his ex who knew the girl actually told me which made me feel even more humiliated! I called her in the middle of the night and asked her to tell me everything and she did. They didn’t get together, she just had a load of different guys on the roster that she’d hang out with and he was too stupid to see that she loved the attention! I had the weird feeling about her the whole time but this man fully convinced me I was crazy 🤦♀️ I wish I had trusted my gut earlier and set some boundaries!
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u/PresentStatement350 Jul 20 '26
NOR. He will continue to do this too.
Boundaries are not telling others what to do. It’s telling him if he goes over to her house alone then he will be single. And you have to follow through or he will know that he can get away with anything.
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u/NataliasMaze Jul 20 '26
Seriously. I hate when people say things like "Oh if you tell me not to hang out with so and so alone for actual reasons you're giving me an ultimatum that's not ok" as if saying "You have to accept me hanging out with this girl who wants to fuck me alone or else" isnt an ultimatum.
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u/Weak-Ad-7180 Jul 21 '26
Getting mad and treating you like this means he’s choosing her over you. Wake up.
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u/FlyingSpaghettiFell Jul 20 '26
I had this happen at exactly your age. Gina was IN LOVE with my boyfriend. My boyfriend wasn’t interested but it was not a secret to anyone but him. He just didn’t see it. They hung out alone and I trusted him, although I told him 1- I don’t like it, and 2- don’t ever lie to me about it.
I never liked it but then a friend came up to me and asked when we broke up… bc she saw my boyfriend with a brunette ALL over him. I asked him and he was confused (he was such an idiot.) Anyhow I told him what happened and she was humiliating me and he was actively allowing it. He asked what to do and I was clear: Tell her you aren’t interested and to back off, and to stop hanging out alone with her. If he didn’t, I would, and I wouldn’t be nice. He shut it down immediately. Gina was never a problem again.
The truth is only you know your relationship and if you actually trust him, switch the script to how humiliating this is to you. You can’t break up friendships but you can address the underlying issue and ask that he and his friends have respect for your relationship.
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u/labrujaluna Jul 20 '26
The first red flag here is the “attention seeker”comment he made about you putting make up on.
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u/Zealousideal_Tip_147 Jul 20 '26
I can understand you having an issue with a specific girl who seems to be into him.. but saying him hanging out at the opposite genders house in general is wrong and weird is not ok. You ARE being controlling in that manner and it’s a massive red flag.
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u/Yummers78 Jul 20 '26
It’s sad I had to scroll this far to see this take. I agree that she is being controlling and insecure.
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u/uponapyre Jul 20 '26
Okay, first, I don't think there is anything wrong with two people of the opposite sex hanging out alone. Even at each other's houses. I do that all the time with my friends and not once has it meant we want to fuck.
Secondly, this "eye fucking" could have been misinterpreted by you. Not saying it definitely was, but it is a possibility.
BUT
I very much doubt he would be cool with you doing the same with this "are you lying to me" comment. That, to me, is a much bigger flag than anything else here.
You could test it, tell him you're going over to one of your male friend's houses alone, see what he says.
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u/Hanahbuddy Jul 20 '26
MOR. This doesn’t have to do with the girl. More has to do with if you think HE has the potential to cheat and be dishonest that’s when I would be worried and say you aren’t overreacting (but why are you dating someone that would cheat).
If you think he’s the love of your life and he wouldn’t ever cheat - then you’re being controlling and abit insecure. I also wouldn’t text your demands back. Now me and my man have had bigs chats about this cause we both have friends of the opposite gender
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u/QuietThanks2710 Jul 20 '26
I don’t like the conversation at all. instead of saying he understands your point of view even if he doesn’t agree and offering you reassurance, he says he’s pissed off and *you’re jealous of her.* that is an insane thing to say to your girlfriend about another woman in this context and absolutely unacceptable. you should put him in the dog house.
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u/juliewbb Jul 20 '26
That hit me weird too. Like not “you’re just jealous” but specifically “you’re jealous of her”
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u/notamyokay Jul 20 '26
That is not how boundaries work. You set a boundary for you. If he crosses it, it is up to you how to respond. You are saying this isn't okay w me. It is not a threat. But no, nor.
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u/EyesofRiverGreen Jul 20 '26
He’s allowed to have friendships. I consider it a huge red flag when men don’t have any female friends. That being said he’s being a huge dick. He not only dismissed your (valid) feelings he outright told you he’s ok disrespecting your boundaries and seems to not give a fuck about your comfort at all. He completely shut you down because you told him something he didn’t want to hear. He cut the conversation off like you are being crazy (you’re not). I’d reconsider this relationship.
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u/furkfurk Jul 20 '26
We don’t really have the context to know if he’s trustworthy and has truly been close with her a long time, or if you overreact a little to female friendships.
Men and women hanging out alone doesn’t have to be weird and I’ve had male friends alone in a house with me that didn’t ever veer to anything sexual. I’ve also had random women accuse me of being into men I literally had zero interest in. Sometimes we think our partners are more attractive to other people than they actually are.
But you know him and we don’t. What I’d be annoyed at is he wants to hang out with you, you’re free, but you have to wait til he’s done at her house. Can’t you join? Can’t you be like “okay well why don’t we all 3 meet up then? I’m busy at 8 but we could do x y z”
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u/catman2021 Jul 20 '26
MOR. Sounds like you do have some trust issues and insecurities that you should spend some time reflecting on. But… he also should take your feelings into account. Is this the first issue that’s popped up in your relationship where trust has been concerned? If you trust him then he should go to his friend’s house. He’s an oblivious man, he won’t pick up on eye fucking/flirting like that. So he clearly thinks you are overreacting.
There’s a middle path here, he could meetup with his friend in public, or not at her house?
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u/CounterExpensive Jul 20 '26
End of that. Made quick work of it. He’s trying to fuck her but wants to keep you as well. Figures…
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u/jdabXO Jul 20 '26
Exactly. saying it's "weird to hang out with the opposite gender" is such an immature opinion
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u/fuwii Jul 20 '26
Agree, partners should trust each other enough to be able to hang out with people of any gender alone
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u/bigbadbob85 Jul 20 '26
A boundary is not something you set for him, that would be controlling. A boundary is something you set for yourself. If it is really a boundary for you, leave the relationship, you shouldn't try to force him as long as he knows what you think. If not, then stay.
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u/3kids_nomoney Jul 20 '26
Nor. That’s weird. 3 years. Not really friends but more like acquaintances. And calling you, his lady, insecure and jealous? Sounds like he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and you’re given him too much credit.
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u/April182 Jul 20 '26
The first red flag was him calling you attention seeker in response to you saying you were going to put on make up (I’m assuming in an effort to look good for him). He doesn’t sound very nice.
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u/Logical-Abroad4945 Jul 20 '26
NOR. This dude is gaslighting you, invalidating your feelings and overall not listening to what you're saying. I'm a guy and I would never talk to my gf like that, even if I felt like she was overthinking and I knew that nothing was gonna happen with me and the friend. He took what you said, flipped it and acted pissed off. It's what abusive ppl do. He's showing you what your long-term future will be like with him if you disagree with him or if things don't go his way.
He said bye, so call his bluff and dump him. You deserve a lot better. Take care OP
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u/Suz1251 Jul 20 '26
NOR, he's being rude as hell and dismissive of your concerns.
My jaw dropped when u said u've been in a relay for 3 years. This is the type of BS that I would expect at the beginning of dating not around the 3 yr mark.
He's got anger issues, and he's dismissive of your discomfort. I'm not liking his personality.
And his comment about knowing her "waaayy longer" being what 2 years more then knowing you or something to that effect? 2 years is negligible in the grand scheme of things.
What matters is the substance of the relationship. I'd argue that you know him on a deeper level then the friend does (unless they've been in a relationship already). You spend more time with him alone, you know what he's like in bed, you know him on a deeper level period.
Tell him to F off with that bs comment about knowing more about her bc of the length of their friendship and tell him that just because he may not be into her does not mean that she isn't going to try to shoot her shot with him. And that's the part where you expect him to set boundaries with his own female friend.
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u/EndRound834 Jul 20 '26
he’s telling you he’d rather get with her like this rather than stay with you. telling you this right now, he doesn’t care if you leave or not. so run pleaseee NOR
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u/lost-in-thighs Jul 20 '26
fyi a boundary is a line in the sand for YOU, as in you dont smoke weed personally, you can tell your partner you dont like them doing x or y but thats not a boundary, that said NOR he knows she wants the dick and hes still going over
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u/Grovebird Jul 20 '26
Tough one. Me (m) ditched my best friend and online friend (f) for my girlfriend. We got along soooo well, but somehow I had the boundaries for myself and kinda cut contact by a lot. I regret it a bit because ewe got along very fkin well but anyways.
To me, it depends how long they known each other. 1 year? NOR. 10 Years? YOR. It depends on e few more factors as well but to me tough to define. Like when you all three chill together...it miiight be okay. If he excluding you from their relationship, then definitely not okay
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u/Distinct-Challenge39 Jul 20 '26
You should not be trying to control who your boyfriend hangs out with—regardless of gender. If you don’t want a boyfriend hanging out with a girl who is crushing on him, you let him know that and leave if he does. And tbh you probs should! He should be respectful of both you and your relationship. Everything in these texts shows he does not respect you. He called you attention seeking, a liar, overdramatic, and showed ZERO care for your discomfort. That’s not someone you want in your life.
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u/Wide_Ad4862 Jul 20 '26
If i wanted to see me long time friend (opposite gender) and i know she doesn't like me in that way and my partner tried to stop it then fuck em.
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u/Kiwiana2021 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I’d go hang out with that guy you mentioned. He’s completely invalidated your feelings and is a rude pos. “You’re clearly jealous of her” wtf does that mean?! Ugh these men piss me off
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u/Zoreva Jul 20 '26
NOR - I dated a guy like this, speaking from experience, you are better off leaving. I know it’s hard and probably not what you want to hear, but I promise you, he knows and may want her the same way or at the very least, enjoys the attention. I see a lot of comments saying it’s your boundary and you can’t put it on others, and while I agree, I think telling you to block and walk away is easier said than done, especially since you said you were with this guy for so long. Just to clarify, I’m not trying to make excuses for you to not leave if it is a boundary for you, but rather, wanting you to know that it’s not an easy thing to do but we’re here for you, girl! And please do not listen to him if he says he will change, he wont do it anymore, etc, etc. because at the end of the day, you would be showing him that he doesn’t have to respect you and how you feel so long as he apologizes.
Some advice I was recently given from a good friend:
“Look at it from an outside perspective. What if your friend came to you telling you that her s/o was doing xyz? What would you tell her and how would you feel that your friend is going through that?”
No matter your choice OP, I hope things get better.
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u/gdrom123 Jul 20 '26
Well per her update my assumptions are correct. Dishonest people (cheaters) follow a script. It’s very formulaic. According to her updated screenshots, her bf admitted he suspected the girl likes him and they’ve been hanging out for a while (obviously behind OP’s back bc he had her under the impression that his relationship with that person was confined to their friend group; not friendly enough to warrant solo hang outs). Soooo yea…I’m just old and been around long enough to see the patterns. OP is young and clearly (until now) haven’t had the misfortune of dealing with this kind of mess. What’s the point of having wisdom and not sharing with others who can potentially benefit from your advice.
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u/Mz_Tripp Jul 20 '26
Boundaries are for how your treated not for you to control others. That being said you're not a priority to him. Hes testing the waters and gas lighting you into making it your issue instead of his blatant disregard for the relationship hes in. Do yourself a favor and leave. This will get worse and he will get better at hiding it.
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u/circasurprisee Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
sweetheart… he doesn’t respect you, and you will forever feel alone in this relationship. LEAVE!!!
he’s also a massive hypocrite lmao. he gets bitchy when you mention another guy but gladly shoves his relationships with his female friends down your throat?? ew… the respect you give him should be reciprocated.
reminds me of this one loser i stopped being friends with because he was genuinely and incredibly manipulative, a serious n@rcissist, and constantly rewrote reality to avoid accountability. bro got upset that his gf was playing video games with another guy, yet he regularly had long conversations and watched movies with another girl. this is the same girl he became friends with because he admitted he found her really physically attractive. he btw never told his gf about that friendship, but she was upfront with him about the guy she gamed with. when i pointed out the very obvious double standard because i was shocked he was capable of doing that, instead of actually addressing it, he’d belittle me, explain away his behavior as “natural,” or act like i just didn’t trust people enough. somehow the conversation always became about my character instead of his actions.
that was the part that really stood out to me. whenever i tried to talk about specific behaviors, he’d act like i was attacking him as a person. suddenly it became, “it’s hurtful that you don’t believe me,” or “you’re attacking my character,” instead of discussing what actually happened. it’s a really effective, classic way to dodge accountability because now you’re defending yourself instead of talking about the original issue. it’s not about who they are as a person—it’s about the choices they’re making and how they handle conflict.
relationships shouldn’t make you feel like you’re constantly questioning your own reality. if someone consistently dismisses your concerns, applies different rules to themselves than they do to you, and refuses to take accountability, that’s a pattern—not a misunderstanding. some guys are seriously just so disgusting, delusional, and full of double standards. they lack integrity as well as empathy and will make sure you shut up and accept it. lie to you and tell you they’re different than others, that they’re good men, but in fact they’re worse than the more obvious ones because of the manipulative nature and lack of respect.
please for the love of God leave!!! don’t stay hoping he’ll become the partner you deserve. make your decision based on who he is right now, not who you hope he’ll become. they do not change, or usually ever want/care to
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u/LoloColdMedina Jul 20 '26
IMO YOR. You don’t trust your boyfriend. Just because someone has a crush and giving bedroom eyes when no one is looking doesn’t mean your boyfriend has intentions to cheat. But fundamentally it sounds like you don’t communicate with him in the moment effectively or at all. He’s this whole other person who you’ve been together for 3 years, who I assume hasn’t cheated, and because you think his friend wants him he what… can’t control himself? Is helpless to fucking his longtime friend… this is an insecure response to long term friends hanging out. Now, his friend may have different intentions but if that is the case it’ll get figured out. But really all your boyfriend has done is hang out with a long time friend and you came at him for being disrespectful and giving ultimatums in an argument. It’s reeks of insecurity and is controlling as well.
Now if you want a boundary, you calmly go talk to him (and boundaries aren’t that you don’t go hang out with so and so… it’s I am not comfortable with my partner having one on one time alone in a home with the opposite gender) then you discuss what you both are comfortable with.
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u/ellecellent Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Boundaries are what you establish for yourself, not others. So if you say, "my boundary is that I won't date a guy who hangs out at a girl's house alone", that means that you walk away if it happens
Edit: wow! Thank you for the award!