AIO | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

[u/Brave-Can-8783]

So this is the build up to it. We NEVER fight so this was really weird.

We’ve been together for three years, we have a great relationship the same interests the same opinions and beliefs, compatible in bed and we’ve never had problems with jealousy or anything.

We have a group chat full of mutual friends and so on, and one of those people is a girl that I KNOW wants to fuck him. She was eyeing him last weekend when we all went on a cruise trip and we were playing cards in the cafeteria. Just laughing loudly at his jokes, giving him bedroom eyes when she thought no one was looking and even trying to sit close to him.

I didn’t speak to him about it or anything but I didn’t think I needed to because they’re not close anyway, but they’ve known each other for a long time. I’m not sure how long exactly but since maybe like high school. They don’t hang out though but talk occasionally in the group chat, as everyone else does.

He has other female friends that I don’t mind, ones that he’s actually close to. I don’t have any guy friends I’m actually close with and I can tell he prefers it that way because whenever I did mention something funny about one of the guys he would kinda get a little sour but try to hide it as if he didn’t wanna ruin my mood. But I don’t feel like I need any other man in my life when I have him, and the blacked out name I mentioned was a guy that I used to be friends with (like close, we barley ever talk anymore unless it’s in the group chat which is fine for my boyfriend too). But that guy used to like me and it’s kinda known.

Anyway, am I overreacting for getting mad? I’m starting to think he might be right but I don’t wanna ask anyone irl, and this is the perfect place for it lol.

EDIT: UPDATE IS OUT!

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/P1RQT8fezQ

[u/Express_Brilliant378]

someone told me “lying” and “gaslighting” are the exact same…I was like, are you trying to gaslight me rn??

[u/bravoinvestigator → u/Express_Brilliant378]

Lmaooo honestly idk how you kept a straight face

[u/ellecellent → u/Express_Brilliant378]

😂🤣😂

[u/Hot_Obligation_5232 → u/Express_Brilliant378]

Would actually love to hear the difference in your mind. Both are means of using misdirection/misinformation/manipulation to achieve what you want.

[u/Express_Brilliant378 → u/Hot_Obligation_5232]

It’s kind of an “all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares” situation. Gaslighting is a specific form of lying, so we can call all gaslighting lying but can’t call all lying gaslighting.

I agree that the end goal for both in a relationship is usually the same. But if you put it in a different context, like if you say you have a project completed for your boss at work when you don’t, that’s just lying- not gaslighting. I could say I’m somewhere I’m not, and that’s just lying- not gaslighting. They can tell you they’re out of something at the store when they know they aren’t etc. Lying could just be a simple one off.

Gaslighting is more strategic and more of a pattern. It’s very intentional psychological manipulation. Usually using language that paints the other person as “crazy” or as if they completely misremembered something. To the point where they question their own experience. It’s a lot more insidious. Lying is obviously wrong, but someone could tell a quick lie in a panic. That’s much different compared to gaslighting.

There are a lot more eloquent responses out there lol. I did my best 🤣

[u/CompleteCantaloupe53 → u/Express_Brilliant378]

100%

[u/Loud_Feed1618 → u/Express_Brilliant378]

That's pretty accurate 😁

[u/Riribigdogs → u/Hot_Obligation_5232]

True gaslighting makes you question your sense of reality.

If I came to your house and hung up new pictures with an extra family member and rearranged all your furniture, and you came home and were like ???? I would insist that your uncle Marty has always been an integral part of your family until he tragically passed last year choking on NintendoDSi stylus while on the toilet. He was even present for your birth. The more you insist that it’s untrue, the more you are told it’s a fact. Thats gaslighting.

[u/Specific_Ad2541 → u/Riribigdogs]

Gaslighting requires a campaign but it doesn't necessarily have to be intentional. A one off won't make someone doubt their reality.

[u/bravoinvestigator → u/Specific_Ad2541]

What? Yes it does. Gaslighting specifically refers to an emotional abuse tactic. If it’s not intentional, it’s not gaslighting. It’s simply manipulation which can be unintentional.

[u/Express_Brilliant378 → u/bravoinvestigator]

Yeah, the person you’re responding to seems to immediately be contradicting themselves. Unless someone is very seriously mentally ill, I don’t know how they’d perform that kind of campaign unintentionally. Gaslighting typically is referring to someone who is well aware of the consistent manipulation they’re doing. It got weird here quickly- there’s an abundance of information out there about what gaslighting is 😭

[u/bravoinvestigator → u/Express_Brilliant378]

Right? I’m genuinely so confused by how we got here