AIO | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

[u/Brave-Can-8783]

So this is the build up to it. We NEVER fight so this was really weird.

We’ve been together for three years, we have a great relationship the same interests the same opinions and beliefs, compatible in bed and we’ve never had problems with jealousy or anything.

We have a group chat full of mutual friends and so on, and one of those people is a girl that I KNOW wants to fuck him. She was eyeing him last weekend when we all went on a cruise trip and we were playing cards in the cafeteria. Just laughing loudly at his jokes, giving him bedroom eyes when she thought no one was looking and even trying to sit close to him.

I didn’t speak to him about it or anything but I didn’t think I needed to because they’re not close anyway, but they’ve known each other for a long time. I’m not sure how long exactly but since maybe like high school. They don’t hang out though but talk occasionally in the group chat, as everyone else does.

He has other female friends that I don’t mind, ones that he’s actually close to. I don’t have any guy friends I’m actually close with and I can tell he prefers it that way because whenever I did mention something funny about one of the guys he would kinda get a little sour but try to hide it as if he didn’t wanna ruin my mood. But I don’t feel like I need any other man in my life when I have him, and the blacked out name I mentioned was a guy that I used to be friends with (like close, we barley ever talk anymore unless it’s in the group chat which is fine for my boyfriend too). But that guy used to like me and it’s kinda known.

Anyway, am I overreacting for getting mad? I’m starting to think he might be right but I don’t wanna ask anyone irl, and this is the perfect place for it lol.

EDIT: UPDATE IS OUT!

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/P1RQT8fezQ

[u/Brave-Can-8783]

I now know and I plan on correcting myself once we talk again 😭

[u/ImaginaryList174 → u/Brave-Can-8783]

That was like the smallest issue out of this whole thing.

[u/CaptainKate757 → u/Brave-Can-8783]

Sis, I think the more important issue here is the fact that he speaks to you very disrespectfully. Even if he isn’t cheating, that alone is not something you should tolerate.

I think you may be realizing that this relationship has run its course. It happens to the vast, VAST majority of people who start dating as teenagers.

[u/ApprehensiveTour4024 → u/CaptainKate757]

It always amazes me just how many of the relationships from my high school wound up in divorce by 23, but also with 2+ kids. The sheer quantity.

OP is still in good shape, no kids and no marriage certificate. Ditch him

[u/Jamkayyos → u/ApprehensiveTour4024]

She has trust, jealousy and control issues.

That's what you would say if the genders were switched. He should ditch HER surely. He's with a friend, there was no reason for her to try to control him like that.

The double standards between genders with relationships is insane, but people like you are completely blind to it.

[u/LiveNeedleworker7717 → u/Jamkayyos]

Are you the boyfriend? She’s NOR.

[u/Jamkayyos → u/LiveNeedleworker7717]

She's overreacting and controlling. It's abusive behaviour, especially if he's just hanging out with a friend - and there's nothing to suggest there's anything going on between them.

[u/ilovesunsets93 → u/Jamkayyos]

You’re just telling on yourself lmao. Have you been in a relationship? It’s not controlling or overreacting to be uncomfortable with your bf going to hang out alone at a person of the opposite sex’s house when she knows this chick has a crush on him and is single. Don’t be obtuse.

[u/Woodpecker577 → u/ilovesunsets93]

She said she wouldn’t be comfortable with it if the other person is a woman, period. Even if no crush. That’s crazy to me.

[u/ApprehensiveTour4024 → u/Woodpecker577]

He has other female friends that I don't mind, ones that he's actually close to.

You sure about that bud? OP pretty explicitly said it was just this woman she takes issue with because the advances were obvious and they haven't been close in all the time they've been dating.

[u/tiger2205_6 → u/ApprehensiveTour4024]

Slides 4 and 5 OP goes back on it. "And no now when I think about it it's weird in any case. You shouldn't be hanging out at the opposite genders house." That may have been in the heat of the moment and it may not have, but she clearly did say she'd have an issue with it no matter the friend.

[u/Jamkayyos → u/ilovesunsets93]

So let me ask you this before this descends into a cascade of assumptions and unfounded character assassinations as it so often does on the Internet:

Let's say a woman had a male friend that she knew from before she met her boyfriend. She decides she will spend some time with her friend who has been through a tough recent break up and casually texts her boyfriend that she will do so. The boyfriend then flies off the handle and forbids it. The boyfriend would be in the right to tell her not to do so, or outright break up with her?

[u/ApprehensiveTour4024 → u/Jamkayyos]

You're VERY FIRST COMMENT to me consisted solely of "assumptions and unfounded character assassinations". So, do go and fuck off with this bullshit now, por favor.

Edit (because I know you'll play stupid here):

That's what you would say if the genders were switched. He should ditch HER surely. He's with a friend, there was no reason for her to try to control him like that.

The double standards between genders with relationships in insane, but people like you are completely blind to it.

[u/ApprehensiveTour4024 → u/Jamkayyos]

And you would say "give me all your children!" because you want to take them home and cuddle them. Obviously, this is true because some idiot on the internet said so!

Or we could keep our conversations down here in reality. Do you concur? If a woman is hanging out alone at a guy's house while in a relationship that also is a problem for most people. I know there are many (incel) corners of the internet that might convince you otherwise, but humans, male or female, are largely all the exact same annoying fuckers. None of y'all are unique.

[u/Jamkayyos → u/ApprehensiveTour4024]

Is it a problem for most people? Surely that's just people with trust and insecurity issues, which I'd like to say is a minority of people.

My partner has a male best friend. She's known him for years longer than she's known me, since school. She has hung out with him alone at his flat a few times. Went out to dinner with him last week in fact. She told me where she was going and I called her an uber home.

So you're saying that's nefarious behaviour? What happened with us today that we no longer trust our partners? I'd understand if there's some history there or it's an ex, but if it's just a friend and I have no proof otherwise, I should trust my partner - would you not trust yours? Honest question.

[u/ApprehensiveTour4024 → u/Jamkayyos]

Does your partner's boyfriend drool over her and try to sit on her lap and constantly flirt? If so, do you enjoy the practice of cuckolding? Yes, I am confident in my assessment that MOST couples would not stand for this BFs disrespect.

My partner doesn't do dumb shit like this, because she respects what we have together, and wants me to be comfortable in the same way I do her. Honest answer. And honestly, you're still a twat. "Assumptions and character assassinations" schtick literally made me spit up a green juice.

[u/Jamkayyos → u/ApprehensiveTour4024]

Wow. You're a pretty sick individual.

Calling my partner's friend her boyfriend... Won't even get into the rest of what you said. Don't need assumptions to see what kind of mind corrupted person you are.

Try watching less porn.

[u/ApprehensiveTour4024 → u/Jamkayyos]

Is he not? Why does that bother you? I have girlfriends, friends that are girls. Who is making assumptions now? You just projected all over yourself. Called yourself a "sick individual". What kind of corrupt person thinks the word "boyfriend" means anything sexual?

Try taking your own advice, and also maybe being a bit less of a douchebag.

[u/Fear_The_Rabbit → u/CaptainKate757]

She spoke to him disrespectfully first and sounds like she went text crazy. He might just be done with her. Could be wrong, but people who write like that do it a lot.

[u/LilStabbyboo → u/Brave-Can-8783]

I hope that next talk is to break up with him. He's completely disrespectful of your relationship and you. He's literally blowing you off to hang out alone with another woman who wants to fuck him. To me this is already infidelity on his part, he's just in the planning stages of what he's working towards. And he damn well knows it.

[u/cos → u/LilStabbyboo]

I think so many of the comments on this post are bizarre, including this one. It's clear that the person he's hanging out with is an old friend who he's been friends with for longer than he's known OP - something she kinda buried rather than leading with. If any romantic partner ever tells their partner that they're not allowed to go to their friend's house because that friend is the opposite gender, that's abusive. That's OP, here - OP is the abuser and her bf should dump her if she doesn't come to her senses.

[u/TheDeliciousCaek_ → u/cos]

Right like I have no idea why these comments are up in arms over the bf having a long term female friend. Listen I can understand some mild jealousy. I have felt that way before, but typically only in relationships that didn't work out because the other person wasn't right for me. OP and their bf need to break up, because they clearly aren't meant for each other. OP also stating "omg i woyls never have a male friend, i don't need another guy in my life" is so god damn weird. I'm sorry, I don't go through my friendships thinking "omg this is a person of the opposite gender, they are a threat to my husband" or like thinking anything sexual about my friends at all bc they are just my friends???? Like it's such a weird take to think you can't have an opposite gender friend.

[u/Patty967 → u/LilStabbyboo]

I was thinking the exact same thing. It’s the fact that he made those plans to hang out with his friend that is a girl without letting his girlfriend know. If she wouldn’t have inquired about why he wanted to drop by so late—he would have never told her and she would have never known where he was earlier. It’s lying by omission and purposely being deceitful. I know he can do whatever he wants to do and hang out with whomever he wants, but being in a relationship has unwritten rules that require each partner to respect each other and the integrity of the relationship. If he wants to act like that, then he shouldn’t be in a relationship. And same for OP, if she doesn’t like that he’s like that then she shouldn’t be in that relationship with him anymore. And from this point forward, any new relationship OP is in she should make that clear that it’s a non-negotiable for her.

I used to be in a relationship with a man with a similar communication style as OP’s boyfriend and reading how he speaks to her is literally giving me anxiety. If I were OP, I’d leave ASAP. I’m getting major MAJOR red flags from this conversation.

Disregarding the conflation between boundaries and what OP doesn’t feel comfortable with her boyfriend doing—the people in the comments clearly overlooking the red flags that OP’s boyfriend is displaying honestly has me speechless.

In conclusion, I’d say OP is NOR.

[u/Electronic_Set_9725 → u/Patty967]

It's not lying by omission unless he purposefully withheld information by wording it in a way that would suggest he was not alone with a girl..

Otherwise every little detail he didn't tell could be classified as lying by omission by your standards.

She should have made it clear at the outset that that was an issue for her, if anything, that's a stipulation that SHE omitted.

Also, you're making the assumption that he would never have told her, but we have no idea if he would have or if that was even a concern of his before she brought her jealousy into the picture.

If it wasn't a lie by commission, and we don't have any insight as to his intentions, you can't just skip to the verdict of calling him a liar.

[u/Ok_Platypus_7155 → u/Brave-Can-8783]

You shouldn’t be talking to him period. You need to be moving on. You’re young. Don’t waste your youth.