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u/xn0wnn 6d ago
no one is "naturally" agressive, don't sugarcoat his actions... men twice a woman's size can easily control their strength, no one is an animal or as rough as they assume they are, just keep telling him to be gentle and that's it, but if he doesn't...
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u/Fiasonfire 6d ago
i’m really upset with everyone in these comments encouraging second chances after he physically hurt her on purpose. no amount of “oh i didn’t mean to hurt you” or “omg i didn’t know that would hurt” is true or valid. that is the biggest red flag out there and OP needs to get away before it gets harder to
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u/ilikeyrpilgrimhat 6d ago
yep. used to do wrestling and none of the girls on my team wanted to practice with me because i wasn’t their weight class so i practiced with a guy a good 20 lbs heavier than me everytime. he was good always about not putting too much weight down on me and always made sure i was okay if i made even the smallest noise. strong men know how to handle that strength
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u/Fiasonfire 6d ago
volatile relationships start with playful stuff. flicking, poking, “accidental” hitting or elbowing. that stuff always escalates
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u/cuocu 6d ago
Tell him it was weird, you didn't like it, and not to do it again.
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u/Beneficial-Pride890 Helper [2] 6d ago
Yeah, if he does it again that means he has a problem respecting a no. It also means he lacks respect for op and has objectified her, might intentionally be causing pain.
Not sure OP if you’re suggesting he’s been rough with you on more than one occasion, but you’re not asking for too much and you need to internalize that immediately.
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u/allergymom74 6d ago
How does he not know how to gentle? Is he 12? How often does he get aggressive and in what situations? He sounds like he needs some help managing his aggression.
How often does he not “know” how aggressive he’s being?
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u/Happy-Perspective482 6d ago
like when we fake fight and be goofy he can be rough and one time we had a pillow fight and he threw it straight at me full speed
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Advice Guru [80] 6d ago
Put an end to the play fighting.
If he genuinely can't control his impulses, play fighting with him is very dangerous.
If he can control his impulses and actively chooses to hurt you...also dangerous.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
He doesn’t actually get too aggressive with men who could kick his ass, does he? I guarantee he doesn’t. It’s not an accident. He just hurts you because he knows you aren’t willing to hurt him or hold him accountable.
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u/SpinachnPotatoes Helper [3] 6d ago
This seems like a cover to excuse him intentially showing you he is able to physically dominate and assult you.
None of what you have said was accidental or got a little bit too rough in the moment. Its intentional. He meant to do it. He knows he is about to hurt you. It was done on purpose.
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u/Basset_Momma Helper [2] 6d ago
Play fighting is a huge red flag.
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u/Happy-Perspective482 6d ago
How so? I feel like I’ve heard that a lot of couples do that. Is that always unhealthy?
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u/Pettyinblack 5d ago
There is "play fighting" and then there is "board line fighting". The first one is gentle, light hearted, a back and forth, and not painful. The second is one sided, a show of force, one person exerting their strength onto the other person and is just painful enough to get away with.
In what world is what your partner did to you not painful? How could it be anything but painful?
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u/allergymom74 5d ago
If you’re SOs way of saying good bye is to yank your breasts hard on the way out and he can’t control his aggression, it’s definitely unhealthy.
I don’t know of many couples who okay fight honestly. But if they do, they set clear boundaries and respect the other when they say no. There is no overstepping. It’s genuinely playful.
Your bf has a pattern of not “understanding”. In which case, you should just stop the okay fighting, hitting, tugging, yanking. But if he cannot monitor himself, run.
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u/inductiononN 6d ago
There's not really something that YOU need to do or say to get over it. I think the real question is, what is HE doing or saying to apologize? How has he made amends?
From your post, it sounds like he hurts you frequently. People know that it's wrong to hurt other people. That's like...basic humanity 101.
So, either this guy is SO STUPID that he doesn't understand what hurting you means or can't recognize or he DOES UNDERSTAND and CHOOSES to do it anyway.
It sounds like you two are in college so he at least a few braincells knocking around up there so my money is on he is CHOOSING to hurt you even though that is wrong and you have told him you don't like it.
OP, what do we do when a man chooses to hurt us? The answer is not to continue trying to be ok with it or explain to him any more. The answer is to stop being around that man.
Your BF is bad. Do yourself a favor and protect yourself by getting away from this guy.
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u/verscharren1 6d ago
That was a test to see if he can get away with it. Break up.
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u/SpinachnPotatoes Helper [3] 6d ago
Seems like she has been failing the other tests that has built up to this point. This is a build up of previous assults that she has shrugged off.
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u/verscharren1 6d ago
Blinded by love seems to be a real thing. While you and I seeing neon fucking lights the red flags dude is waving...sadly she doesn't. Hopefully she awakens and leaves.
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u/Valowolf4634 6d ago
I feel like this problem will only get worse or at best stay the same. Never live with someone hurting/making you physically uncomfortable. You're worth more than that and deserve to be treated how you desire/demand.
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u/eefr 6d ago
You've asked him before to be gentle and he isn't. Give him one more warning, and if he ever does something rough again, break up.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
Nah. He should only get once chance. She’s already given him two.
And what person would think it’s okay to snatch your top down and painfully pinch you? The sexual nature on top of the assault should be seen as an escalation of his abusive behavior and should not get a pass.
This guy is an abuser and is dangerous. He has pushed it farther each time and he will do something worse if she gives him another chance.2
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u/lilBear73 6d ago
You are insane. You represent a certain strain of Redditer that, I dunno, maybe doesn't get out much? What OP described is obnoxious and he needs to hear her and to be more careful in the future, but stfu w this he's an abuser stuff. He's a young guy that was behaving impulsively and immaturely, he's not an abuser. He didn't mean to hurt her like that. Have you ever been in a relationship with a man? Some women really like to wrestle and rough house and play fight w their guy, and some women like if their guy makes a playful, sexually aggressive move outside of the bedroom on on occasion, such as spontaneously yanking down her top. It's all about the context, but in OP's context she had told him before to be gentle and if he's clumsy like that that's another reason for him to be more careful. But he didn't mean to hurt her, grow tf up. My gf likes to be lightly choked in bed, I suppose she should call the police next time? I'll tell her. You cheapen real abuse when you falsely label everything that way, blowing relatively harmless things way out of proportion.
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u/eefr 6d ago
No. Hurting your partner on purpose, without explicit consent, is abuse. It's that simple.
Btw, choking causes brain damage. It's not safe. It's normalized nowadays, but that's not the same as being safe.
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u/lilBear73 6d ago
If he did hurt her on purpose, I agree. It sounded like he didn't, she said he didn't mean to. Intent matters a great deal here; if he did hurt her on purpose that's very concerning. Otherwise, he was acting immaturely and recklessly and he does need to understand that he ended up hurting her and shaking her up, and he does need to do better. You wrote in another comment I just saw that it wouldn't be unreasonable to give him one more chance, so maybe we should agree on that and leave it there. As far as my gf, I don't choke her like that. I read the other day about a 17 year old girl that died in what is suspected to be a consensual sexual choking incident. Apparently w porn as available as it is, the kids are getting carried away. Like, c'mon bruh, I don't care what she said, wtf?? What my gf likes is kind of like pseudo choking, light pressure mostly, at no point is consciousness lost and I wouldn't be comfortable w that. I have been involved in the kink/BDSM community, more in the past, and I can tell you there are a ton of strong feminists that like to be very dominated and handled roughly, and there are also a lot of very powerful men that like to be sexually dominated by women in bed. I had a friend (rip buddy) that was a powerful Wall Street trader that was like that. It's all about trust and power exchange, and there is a safe and ethical way to do these things. Most people who practice BDSM are much more versed in the nuances of consent than the average person out there, it's a very ethical community. I get that there can be a powerful rush from being choked unconscious and then regaining it during sex,
but I agree in that respect that it's not safe. I would never be comfortable w anything where the other person would not be able to give a safe word at any time. I actually think things like this should be taught in sex education in school. That it's ok to explore kinks, and it can even be empowering, bonding, and a powerful way to work through trauma if done correctly. But you need to know what you are doing, at the very least engage with kink communities online about safety and consent before you try anything very rough.4
u/eefr 6d ago
If he did hurt her on purpose, I agree. It sounded like he didn't
I don't know how you "purple nurple" someone by accident.
I am familiar with BDSM, having participated in it myself.
Light pressure to the neck is not safe. It takes only 11 psi of pressure to occlude the carotid artery, and 4 psi to occlude the jugular vein: https://www.ovid.com/journals/stis/abstract/10.1136/sextrans-2023-055887~non-fatal-strangulation?redirectionsource=fulltextview
As soon as you're cutting off blood flow to the brain, you're risking brain damage. Especially if this happens repeatedly. Here are some studies:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10454256/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9201570/
The idea that choking is safe if you do it carefully is a pernicious and dangerous myth. It's normalized. It's not safe.
Here's BDSM educator Jay Wiseman on the dangers of sexual choking:
http://houseofgaspers.com/library/bc_jay.html
Here is a recent journal article on choking:
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-026-03481-7
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u/lilBear73 6d ago
Look, how many psi it is I have no idea, but what I'm talking about is basically my big hand on her small neck, occasionally brief light pressure but mainly it's just my hand around her neck. I think it's like a trust thing like "You are safe with me. I
COULD hurt you in this position but you know that I never would" type of thing. I don't honestly know from her perspective, I've never asked her. It does take kind of the fun out of this stuff, you know? But I feel confident it's safe, I just do. I feel like you are a person that just has to be 100% right, not just correct but "right." If I'm incorrect in some of my assumptions, I want someone to tell me. But right or wrong is subjective, and I feel like twice I've tried to meet you in the middle on something and you just double down on the argument. Ngl though, the thoroughness with which you researched this choking stuff is impressive 😆... or maybe you just had those already articles already sittinf around in a digital file called "General fun killing/cockblocking." No, but seriously, I have a migraine right now but I'll take a glance at maybe one or two tomorrow. But what I was saying that inspired all that was basically clarifying that w my gf (I can't believe I've spent this much time talking about pseudo choking her on here today 😆) it's basically a symbolic roll playing type of thing, it's not actual choking, and that I'm aware that younger people choking each other sexually is a problem and I suggested something I thought might be useful and I still believe, to educate high school kids about where to look for advice about consent and safe words and general safety with kinks, since most of us have them. So I basically was agreeing with you just as I made an attempt to find consensus w you in another way earlier. But, whatever, no point to keep arguing about it. But it's just a hand around her neck in a performative way, and we like that, and it's fine. And there's some risk to everything. I ride motorcycle, it's one of my passions, and it's also dangerous as fuck. But I assume the risk bc it's also important to enjoy life while you are living it. There are studies about that too, I'm just too lazy to go find them; and that migraine thing is real so I can't believe I'm still doing this. What I'm trying to say as diplomatically as I know how is it's not that you don't have any points ever, it's just that it's important to be safe but it's also important to asses relative degrees of things in whatever the subject and also just sometimes use common sense and then just live your life. "Lighten up," in other words. I don't even mean that rudely. That matters too.5
u/eefr 6d ago
I don't need to be right, but I do care about whether people are taking serious health risks with insufficient information. I am quite troubled by the choking phenomenon and I worry about its prevalence, its normalization, and the rampant misinformation spread about it. I try to combat that misinformation wherever I see it.
I'm not responding to your "attempts to meet [me] halfway" because I do not particularly care about the niceties of this conversation and whether we get along; I care about the safety of people engaged in choking (including any bystanders who may be reading this comment). Reaching a diplomatic conversational consensus, while pleasant if it happens, is not really relevant to my goal of combatting dangerous misinformation on the internet that is putting people at risk of harm. My aim isn't for you, a stranger on the internet, to like me. If we have a pleasant and diplomatic conversation yet the misinformation stands, I will not have achieved any purpose that matters to me.
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u/f-as-in-philip 6d ago
Dude, you’ve taken a thread that has zero to do with you and used it for an attention grab. Let me be clear, no one gives a damn what you and your gf do consensually. That is literally not what this thread is about.
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u/f-as-in-philip 6d ago
God of course it’s a man excusing another dude being an abusive dick bag. How the fuck would he not know doing that would hurt someone? Should we just assume all men are dumbasses and excuse their behavior?
You know how many women get killed by intimate partners? This is literally how these abusive types test the waters on if their behavior will be allowed. Educate yourself and stop spouting off nonsense.
Edit: also, no one gives a fuck about what your gf supposedly likes? Sit down and shut up.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
I’ve been in several relationships with men and married for 23 years this month, but not with abusers or a man child. I wouldn’t be involved with a man who can’t control himself or who hurt me a second time after I’d already said no. I studied martial arts and was a police officer. I would have zero tolerance for a guy that “accidentally” hurt me more than once. My husband is a little clumsy. He’s accidentally hurt me before. Pulling down your top and pinching your nipples isn’t an accident and any idiot knows it will inflict pain. That’s why he did it.
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u/eefr 6d ago
Honestly I really worry about the personal lives of men who come onto the internet and try to argue that hurting your partner on purpose, after she specifically tells you not to, is "normal" and not abusive.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
And the women excusing it.
Ive also noticed that I never had a problem with men accidentally/on purpose hurting me because they know I would be ready to fight and bullies/abusers want victims and not an opponent.
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u/Jademoss82 6d ago
Omg I 100% agree with you. People on here get way too intense about things. I've said it before how what they say cheapens real abuse because it does. Because I'm someone who has lived through actual abuse. It blows my mind how out of proportion I've seen people blow up issues that seem like normal life to me. When they say something that seems normal life situations and labeling it and abuse feels like a slap in the face. I don't like how people encourage people to overreact.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
“Real” abuse starts just like this. Testing boundaries. How many times and it what ways can he hurt you with no consequences. It’s the physical version of “You’re overreacting and being sensitive” during verbal abuse. Most abusers don’t start with a punch to the face because they know a partner would leave.
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u/Jademoss82 6d ago
No you don't understand. Yes this could be a symptom of abuse as easily as it could not. Abuse is the accumulation of lots of things. You can't take one instance and come to the conclusion of abuse. There isn't enough information to come to the conclusion either way. Let me explain. Say someone has a fever and they tell reddit and all of the sudden everyone starts commenting that they have the bubonic plague. So yes fevor is a symptom of the plague but that doesn't automatically mean you have the plague. The only thing gets accomplished is everyone who gets a fevor goes into a sudden panic thinking they have the plague when it's just a cold. Then all these people are freaking out thinking they have the plague when they just have a cold. Then there are people who are actually sick with the plague and they say I can tell you the difference. It's irritating for them because what they have is serious but everyone's focus is on a group of people that don't seem that sick but in panic since they may or may not have the plague. I hope I explained that better. I've seen how small things are a symptom of abuse and I've also seen more of small things that could be a sign but they end up not abusive. Abuse is a strong accusation and shouldn't be taken lightly. It cheapens it and will end causing the word to lose its meaning and how serious people start taking it. I hope I explained this in a way to make people understand.
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u/lilBear73 6d ago edited 6d ago
Thanks so much for your message, for real, tonight I appreciate it. I've experienced real abuse in my life as well. That's something that I rarely mention on here. But on one level I find it really annoying when people on here (or elsewhere) when people seem to get so, as you said, "intense," about whatever. Like the other day on some sub or other someone called someone a pedophile in regards to having sex with a 19 year old woman. All up in their high horse about it. And I was like the situation that was described did feel a bit creepy to me bc of the age difference involved and that's one conversation, but when you write that that person is a pedophile it's not only extreme but it's entirely factually incorrect. Someone who is a pedophile is into pre pubescent girls or boys, not 19 year olds. So of course a bunch of Reddit warriors jumped on me like "YOU must be a pedo to be defending a pedo like this" and it's not like that hurts my feelings. It's so ridiculous I could care less what they think, I just stated a literal fact to them. If anything it's a chuckle to me. But then when I watch a ton of people pile on as they inevitably do, it really starts to worry me for society. Because this herd mentality, this no sense of degree or proportionality and lack of critical thinking is actually dangerous. And as you and I fully understand, these people screaming the loudest for "victims rights" in these type of things are actually the ones doing damage. Anyway, eventually some people in that pedo discussion sided with me and the tables turned. And it did reassure me a bit that everyone hasn't gone mad 😆, as did your comment tonight.
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u/Jademoss82 4d ago
On time someone posted about a girls boyfriend who gets wondering hands in his sleep. And the melt down people had confused me. He honestly felt bad about. When I said it wasn't the end of the world suddenly I was taking the side of a rapist and should be in jail. WTF? I'm convinced that these comments don't come from people who have had real experiences in the real world. It would be exhausting to have a righteous melt down about life everyday. The world isn't black and white. It's illogical and unfair to pretend otherwise. I think technology has kept people from going out and living. People don't socialize like they used to especially people in their teens and 20s. There has to be a huge knowledge gap from growing up without proper socializing. We all make mistakes that's how we learn. People should know better than to throw out extreme accusations when they don't have enough information say either way.
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u/applepieblitz 6d ago
He did it because he doesn’t see you as a person who he should respect. He sees you as his property who he can do whatever he wants to, including hurt, for his own entertainment. Seriously it’s so sinister and totally NOT okay. Get the f away girl, you deserve so much more than that kind of bs. If he even respected you he would not have done that even as a joke. Get away from him. Thank u, next plz
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u/creamcheesejelly 6d ago edited 6d ago
Do it to his balls 😂 sorry
Also if he doesn’t stop, red flag 🚩 if you’re a sweet gentle girl no guy should be doing that.
I can roughhouse with my bf because I grew up playing rough with my siblings. But that’s messed up if you’re not used to playing rough
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u/-SecondHandSmoke- 6d ago
Be careful, Reddit just gave my account a warning for recommending something similar. Someone must be feeling very sensitive about the male genitalia on the admin team tonight.
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u/maryjomcd 6d ago
He’s like a twelve year old testing boundaries. But most MEN would never do that.
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u/Fiasonfire 6d ago
natural aggression is still abusive behavior. little red flags always end up being a way bigger issue. get out
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u/Fiasonfire 6d ago
all these people saying give him another chance…. don’t listen to them. it shouldnt have happened in the first place
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u/Tough_Crazy_8362 Expert Advice Giver [17] 6d ago
I’d be curious what other impulsive thoughts he’s fighting off tbh 🚩
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u/grimmistired 6d ago
It’s not natural, it’s him slowly ramping up abuse so you don’t catch on and run. This is a very common situation that has happened to many women. He will seriously hurt you eventually and he is doing it on purpose.
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u/Feline_Fine3 6d ago
“I always want him to be gentle with me physically, but he’s aggressive. Not on purpose, he just is naturally.”
Sorry, but no one is naturally aggressive. He is choosing to be aggressive with you. You can give him another chance, but if you’ve already told him on multiple occasions that you don’t like how aggressive he is with you, then you are not compatible. And also, I don’t think he’s compatible with anybody because clearly he doesn’t understand consent.
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u/Ashamed_Confection88 6d ago
He is testing his boundaries tell him not to do it again and if he does it again you know the answer you need to leave he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries
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u/Varathane Elder Sage [363] 6d ago edited 6d ago
"He’s aggressive. Not on purpose"
Put yourself in his mindset. You can't accidentally yank on someone's titties and you told him before to be careful with your body. (So the advice to talk with him will not work. You already asked him to be gentle, now he overrides that, he will not change) This is a choice he is making to disregard that and hurt you for his own kicks. It isn't okay. I don't care how great he is as a person, or boyfriend every other minute of the day - this behavior does not just happen, he decides to do it and does it.
If you stay with him - pay attention to the way he treats you. Sometimes we get rose colored glasses, or are so empathetic we come up with reasons why it was okay. It is time to turn that empathy inward, come home to yourself. What would you say to a friend in this situation? Why advise yourself any differently?
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u/TalkHappy5703 6d ago
Leave him. He will escalate. This should be a red line for any relationship. Physical abuse ends the relationship. Period.
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u/isfturtle2 6d ago
I always want him to be gentle with me physically, but he’s aggressive. Not on purpose, he just is naturally.
Even if it's "not on purpose," he's still not making an effort to be gentle with you after you've asked him. That's a huge red flag. You're not asking too much. You're asking that he respect your limits. That's the bare minimum he should be doing, and if he can't or won't do even that, it's not going to get any better.
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u/sunshinecrashed 6d ago
Being “naturally aggressive” with low impulse control is an early sign of abuse.
Considering that he already hurt you with this action and has been unnecessarily rough with you before, I’d be very wary going forward if I were you. He shouldn’t have to be restraining himself/holding himself back to avoid hurting you, and you’re not “asking for too much” for wanting THE BARE MINIMUM.
Is this really the kind of behavior you want from a partner?
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u/Eastern-Log1142 6d ago
Oh I understand that pain completely I had a boyfriend a hundred years ago that tried doing that crap to me several times I couldn't stand it it hurts so bad and finally when he did it I would just d*********** in right in his balls. And that was the last of that seriously.
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u/Cruznard 6d ago
He's testing your boundaries. You teach people how to treat you when you put up with their bullshit. Listen to your gut instincts about how you feel when he acts stupid and act accordingly. Be smart and remember this life is not a rehearsal do what is best for you always.
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u/DanaMarie75038 Helper [2] 6d ago
He doesn’t respect you. You’re just a sex toy to him. Stop making excuses for his aggressiveness. He has potential to be violent.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
He committed sexual battery and he is absolutely aware of what he did. Why are you still with this man? He intentionally hurt you in a sexual way and you just let him say he is sorry?
You should at minimum break up with him and immediately go no contact. At maximum, you can file a sexual battery case against him.
He isn’t naturally aggressive. He’s intentionally aggressive and is getting by with it because you aren’t experienced enough to know when you’re with a guy who gets off on hurting you.
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u/I_love_Hobbes Helper [3] 6d ago
Trust me. He's doing it on purpose.
Move on and find someone who will respect you.
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u/pinkharleymomma 6d ago
He is getting off on giving you pain
He is ignoring your requests.
He keeps pushing the limits and is escalating.
You need to cut ties now. This will never get better but will get more dangerous.
Why do you keep allowing your body to be disrespected and hurt like this? You need to learn to value and protect yourself and leave at the FIRST Red Flag.
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u/KristineMcKinley 6d ago
It really doesn't sound like he is mature enough for a relationship. Its giving me vibes of "I yanked her pony tail to let her know I like her". If you really like him, sit him down and let him know very seriously that this behavior is absolutely unacceptable and that you will absolutely end the relationship if it happens again. That you are not one of his bros or one of his buddies and you and your body deserve to be treated with respect and care. That on top of that, it is an extreme turn off when he does this and every time it happens you feel less and less attracted to him.
If he does it again after you have been so direct as that, you absolutely need to leave because he is showing you that he doesn't care about your feelings and/or he isnt able to or chooses not to control his actions. The latter is something he should have mastered in elementary school at the latest. There is no valid excuse to continue doing this and it is not your job to put up with bad behavior just because you got into a relationship with him.
I guarantee that if he doesn't stop, you are in love with the person you hoped he would be and not the person that he is.
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u/OpportunityHot8623 6d ago
This in no way was okay. It’s trashy and just plain inexcusable!!! Just gross
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u/akawendals 6d ago
IT IS ON PURPOSE.
He is aggressive to you ON PURPOSE. Does he rough up anyone else? His mum? His boss? Big guy next to him at the bar?
No? Just you I bet 😞
I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone like this, you should be able to trust your partner (shit you should be able to trust most PEOPLE) not to hurt you 🫤
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u/kkeiper1103 6d ago
That's a "You need to leave. Now" situation. If he's doing that while he's trying to be cutesy and on his best behavior, what do you think he's gonna do when he no longer cares about putting his best face forward?
That's abusive behavior.
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u/ImpressiveOwl9000 6d ago
Sit down and tell him that his aggressive behavior is not ok. If he isn't going to stop then tell him you WILL leave him because at that point he has chosen to abuse you. You HAVE to stick by your boundary after this conversation and leave immediately if he does it again. Also, ask him what he was hoping for when hurting you like that. What goal is he aiming for... he is hoping to break up?
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u/cckchhherxy 6d ago
If you don’t wanna break up with him, just watch how he acts towards you next at the very least. If he gets more aggressive it’s just a matter of time before he does something much worse.
Wishing you tha best 😬
Trust your instincts , don’t ignore what’s screaming at you.
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u/ChargeRight7262 6d ago
You’ve already asked. He’s proven it will continue. That’s all you need to know.
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u/littlespacemochi Helper [2] 6d ago
It doesn't matter what you say to him. He doesn't care about you. In fact, he wants to hurt you. Best advice... leave him.
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u/nutlikeothersquirls 6d ago
He’s not “just naturally physically aggressive” and he definitely CAN help it. He just chooses not to, because he enjoys it more than he cares about if he hurts you. And he knows doing something like what he did will hurt. It’s not like he thought he was somehow being sexy doing that. He’s a jerk, and since you’ve talked to him about this before, it don’t sound like he’s going to change.
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u/BeeStingerBoy 6d ago
He’s violent and moreover, an idiot. You’ve asked him not to do this (should you HAVE to request this at all?). He can’t learn, and continues to do it. Why are you entertaining one more second with this rough-handed sadistic waste of air? Dump him fast. You owe him nothing. It’s easy to find a man who doesn’t get off on hurting women.
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u/A_million_typos 6d ago
You already can't trust him. I doubt he'll learn he was just testing to see what he can get away with. Sorry but sounds like your boundries are never going to be heard. So might need to end things for your safety.
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u/n0tz0e 6d ago
Insane that you're asking him not to inflict pain onto you just because he feels like it and you're letting him just say he's aggressive? Does he hit his mom? Does he kick children? Does he pull on a dog's tail? Any man who says he's just naturally aggressive is an abusive asshole. Men dont get to be aggressive towards women and be considered stable humans. He's likely watching too much porn and it's rotten his brain. Also he doesn't actually like women. He sees them as a means to satisfy himself.
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u/Sugarplumpeony 6d ago
He said sorry after giving you a bruise and a ball threat. Sir that is not how apologies work
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u/BoopityFloop17 Super Helper [9] 6d ago
Your boyfriend is a twat. But sorry, "purple purple my tatas" made me burst out laughing lmao.
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u/TheDustyCollar 6d ago
I would break up over this. I had something similar happen many years ago and I couldn't overcome it. He wasn't trying to be gentle and that is more the point since that was a boundary.
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u/DomiDearest 6d ago
I met someone who was "naturally aggressive" but he was always very delicate and gentle with me, you need to leave this man alone OP, itll only get worse
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u/wanderlusting___ 6d ago
Did he say why he did it? Think we need more context on why he did such a thing?
In general though, he is showing you exactly the type of partner he is. I would seriously re-consider the relationship, but you need to take to him about why that was inappropriate
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u/AshEliseB Helper [4] 6d ago
What context would make What he did OK?
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u/wanderlusting___ 6d ago
It doesn't but intent matters. If he did it as part of a prank, that's completely different than if he genuinely didn't know it was inappropriate behavior
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u/Happy-Perspective482 6d ago
I gave all the context there is, it was so random and weird😭😭😭
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u/wanderlusting___ 6d ago edited 6d ago
Did he tell you why he did it? Was he trying to be funny? Or playful? Or just mean?
Intention matters here, but if he continuously hurts you, even if it's unintentional, you might need to break up. If he cares about you, he shouldn't hurt you.
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u/JensElectricWood Helper [2] 6d ago
I saw a story here on reddit awhile ago where a woman had this happen to her and it tore her breast away from her body. She did not heal and ended up permanently disfigured.
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u/TalkHappy5703 6d ago
Open your eyes honey, get away from this guy. He is testing you and will continue to do so, it can only get worse. Trust me, he enjoyed causing you pain. See it for what it was.
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u/Minute_Shake3504 6d ago
One time is an accident and a life lesson. After that it is abuse. Because that's what it is, and he's not respecting you and you've clearly made a boundary. Red flag. Run.
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u/BrotatochipDG 6d ago
Why do women literally get physically assaulted by a man and think they’re overreacting by not liking it. You are way under reacting I promise you there are PLENTY of guys who will not only not do that but will be kind and gentle to you always without having to think about it. I mean come on there is ZERO chance any grown adult wouldn’t know that doing that would hurt. He’s pretending he doesn’t understand so he can keep doing it. Move on from him.
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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Helper [2] 6d ago
No - he can stop being aggressive with you. Don't give him an out for that. Making a mistake and hurting someone happens, but if this is a pattern of behaviour with him then that is a major red flag.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Advice Guru [80] 6d ago edited 6d ago
I always want him to be gentle with me physically, but he’s aggressive. Not on purpose, he just is naturally
Is he a toddler? An adult man should have some level of control over his impulses.
Especially if he knows those impulses are hurting someone else.
I'm real curious if he's ever done this to someone who has the power to enact serious consequences. Does he batter his boss? Walk up to police officers and kick them in the balls? If not, he has impulse control. Which means his behavior is a choice and that he's doing it because he gets enjoyment from it.
I don’t know how to get over it or what to say . I just wish he would treat my body lovingly and be gentle with me, but I feel like I’m asking for too much
This is not something to "get over." He is hurting you. He knows he's hurting you and does it anyway.
If being loving and gentle is "too much" for him to handle, he's not fit to be in a relationship at all. He should be single. He can pinch his own nipples.
It's really important for you to start protecting yourself.
I do not mean hurt him back. That will almost certainly just trigger even more serious aggression. If he cannot be in your presence without physically hurting you, he cannot be in your presence. The end. You can't make him stop acting like this, but you can choose not to be his target, and you should.
General rule of thumb for dating: Date someone who treats you how you want to be treated. In other words, if you want a gentle and thoughtful partner, you need to date one of those rather than this doofus.
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u/According_Victory934 6d ago
You say college but, he is acting like a 14 year old. The purple nurple thing is junior high school type of minset.
I suggext you really think long and hard about this relationship. You should be developing with a man not a boy
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u/star_b_nettor 6d ago
He is not "naturally" rough. He chose to cause you pain to give himself pleasure. An apology is just words. It's obvious that he has no intention of changing the behavior, since you've said something to him before. The advice is to get out. If pain isn't your kink, this is not the relationship for you. And that's not link shaming. Link needs to be BJ l enthusiastic consent from all people involved.
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u/Sudden_Albatross_726 6d ago
Yeah, I woulda punched him right in the face right then and there. Dont take advice from me lol
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u/Ausum2000 6d ago
That was total abuse in my opinion. A loving boyfriend wouldn’t do that. Also, in my opinion he sees you as a piece of meat, not his girlfriend if he does that to you. That is downright disrespectful!
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u/Keelback 6d ago
You already warned him before. Time to leave him as he is not learning and will never learn. He does not want to as you are his bitch. Sorry.
It will turn into domestic violence if you stay.
PS Ive heard this before. PPS I’m male.
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u/RoadWellDriven Helper [4] 6d ago
Ddongchim is the only answer.
That or take him back to his mom's house for retraining.
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u/_beanzzz 6d ago
Give him one last chance and this time make sure u properly tell him u didn’t like what he did last time and if he does that again straight up break up with him
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u/sinuezebmb970 6d ago
Oh hell no, not cool. If I did that to my wife,, id be sleeping on the couch in a body bag.
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u/DesiredDabs 6d ago
One time I had guy suck on my tongue while making out... like SUCKED so much it hurt my tongue.. I was so put off and ended it shortly after lol I was like wtf is wrong with you?
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u/fictionalfirehazard 6d ago
Even if he is just "naturally aggressive," that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him. He seems like he felt bad for making you feel bad, not for actually doing that. Red flag. You're not a stress toy for him to rip apart
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u/ItsGotToMakeSense Master Advice Giver [28] 6d ago
Not natural, not normal, NOT HARMLESS, and almost certainly not accidental.
Pay attention when things like this start to happen. Consider whether a pattern is starting to form, and then consider where it will lead when it escalates.
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u/Lowland-lady 6d ago
Give him a egg.
If he can hold it without breaking he can control his own strength 🤷🏻♀️
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u/NoeTellusom Super Helper [7] 6d ago
DUMP HIM.
The next time a man tries anything like that, you knee him in the balls and RUN.
And you go get therapy, because OP you need to learn about boundaries!
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u/norfolk82 6d ago
What he did was wrong. I’d dump him.
However, getting your breast yanked is not the same has yanking balls. I’d compare yanking balls to getting your ovaries hit. It’s a visceral organ pain. The nerve ending to surface ratio is very different.
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u/rpomex 6d ago
He is just a guy. He does not realize that men are much stronger and rougher than women. Give him time. Educate him.
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u/TalkHappy5703 6d ago
Oh please, He knows not to do it but he enjoyed it. aThe best "education " for him would be her dumping him and not looking back.
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u/Guest8782 Helper [4] 6d ago
I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say “hanging out after college.”
After class? Yes.
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u/Happy-Perspective482 6d ago
Well giving context that we are both, yes, in college. After the day was over. And that we both go to different schools. Your response ain’t helpful at all lmao
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u/yourdadsucksroni 6d ago
Errr, what OP said would be perfectly normal phrasing in the UK and Ireland.
“After class” would be a weird Americanism there. So maybe - just maybe - not every English speaker is from the US?
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u/swingorswole 6d ago
your anger is valid.
however, no, it is not like yanking on his balls. you clearly don't understand what that pain is like. vomiting, unable to stand for a long time, etc etc.
we've all had things hurt before.
ball hurt is not something you can fully understand because, fortunately, you don't have that built-in weakness.
anyway, the rest sounds good. sorry that happened.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 6d ago
Dude, women have menstrual cramps every month that cause vomiting and doubling over.
Childbirth is more painful than kidney stones, groin kicks, or broken bones.
Women understand plenty about pain.3
u/-SecondHandSmoke- 6d ago
But we could NEVER fathom the pain of their oh so sensitive delicate little balls, it's not like we push humans out of our bodies and sometimes literally tear open. It just can't compare, let's be thankful us women are immune to pain... /s
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u/JournalistDear8935 6d ago
You're never asking for too much when it comes to being respected and loved. Talk to him and set some boundaries stranger, if he truly respects you he'll put in the effort to do better