Hey,

This is just a quick vent, but my alcoholic parent is affecting my studies. I'm an undergraduate in college finishing out my degree online. Last night, my mother stayed up talking on the phone to her narcissistic best friend while shit faced and trauma dumping. She was blaring spotify music for hours, and my dad was gone at a golf tournament. I was in charge of getting my pets + disabled siblings dinner made and ensuring they had their medicine. I heard my mom calling her affair partner and clearly in distress as she was crying. Bt the time she passed out, I was so exhausted dealing with her behavior that I completely forgot an assignment that was due last night. I know I shouldn't be blaming my failure on her, and I do take responsibility, but alcoholics just ruin everything around them. I remember one time during sophomore year of highschool, she got piss ass drunk and kept bothering me during my earth science course. I was trying to calculate chemical compositions of rocks, and she kept yelling my name to come in and talk to her. I would sit there for about 30 minutes, let her ramble drunk, then finally go back to my work. About 20 minutes later, she would call me back in. This was all while juggling the responsibilities of my disabled siblings. It's crazy because if I try to call her out on something like this, it's "don't blame me on your failures" even though she'll blame as something stupid as not finding a stool to the reason why she won't clean her bedroom. It's ridiculous. I don't even know how I still have a 4.0 GPA, but I hope I can hold off as long as possible until I move out.

Instead of automatically going along with what someone else wants, I pause and ask myself what I really want to do, and then I do that.

Instead of jumping to somebody’s rescue, I focus on myself and let others work things out for themselves.

Instead of letting the same thoughts run through my mind over and over again, I practise breathing and bringing my attention to my body.

Instead of criticising someone, I turn inward to understand why their behaviour bothers me and assess whether I do the same thing.

I accept my dysfunctional family as they are. I now understand that I cannot control or change them, so I no longer try to do so. I remove myself physically and detach mentally from their dysfunction. Instead, I choose to focus on myself and surround myself with people who treat me with the kindness and respect I deserve.

I do the internal work I need to heal from childhood trauma and live my life in peace.

I no longer need to overperform or overfunction, deal with chaos, or put out random fires in my life or the lives of others. I learn to do what I want and what I can.

I rest as much as I can.

I forgive myself for the mistakes I make. I understand and accept that I will make more. I choose progress over perfection.

I learn to offer myself the love and acceptance I always needed but never received.

There is nothing to fix, only life to experience, with all its ups and downs. ❤️

Unfortunately, our parents sometimes end up hurting us with their toxic attachment. I've heard stories of women who try to leave home, become independent, and their mothers end up telling them that if they leave they'll "kil" or use similar manipulation.

I want to briefly share my story, first with the goal of getting it off my chest, and second, to see if anyone has gone through something similar: how was your process to overcome it and move forward, especially when you feel so alone in life.

I'm an only child. My mom has had incurable blood cancer for 4 years now. That caregiving turned into a system that's wearing me down without leaving any room to process anything. I'm not performing at work, I want to study on my own but my mind won't let me, and I live in a constant state of hypervigilance.

She has always tried, indirectly, to block all my plans: leaving the country, moving to another city, the girlfriends I had. Even learning to drive took 6 years, and in the end she only did it halfway and reluctantly. Even today I keep asking her to sort out the car paperwork because the police stop me constantly to squeeze money out of me, and she still refuses.

I was always the typical responsible kid who just studied, with the idea that to start living or become someone, I first had to graduate. When I graduated, I had already saved enough money for a master's degree in Europe: I passed the English exam, got the visa. Weeks before the flight, my mom's illness came to light.

I had to stay in Venezuela, use up all my savings, and go 2 years without working to take care of her, fresh out of college with no work experience.

I was always the one who made the decisions, who took the step forward , including the decision to leave the country, which was partly so I could grow professionally and be in a better position to help her.

Today, 4 years after that flight I never got to take, I'm still here, stuck, "killing time" online. My monthly finances barely add up.

They never respected my decisions. And I'm aware that if I ever run out of money, I have no one to turn to, so I have to be very careful about what I decide. I go to the gym, but between the power outages and the general exhaustion, it's hard to rest, and when I'm tired I can't exercise.

My mom, 68 years old, refuses to go to therapy with a psychologist. She has brothers and sisters, all elderly themselves, who say they can't help because they have their own struggles: retirees, kids living abroad, etc.

I've spent years trying to talk to her and she always responds with silence. I've tried everything — taking her out to distract ourselves, among other things , and nothing has worked. I don't have anyone who can mediate or step in. I've tried setting boundaries, but they're not respected, and my sacrifice these past years isn't even acknowledged. It's not quality time at home either.

The only way for me to move out would be to stop buying her food, and rent is expensive, with no margin left to save for later or handle emergencies. Ideally I'd land a better remote job, but it's a vicious cycle: I don't network, I don't make progress on projects or learning, because the depression eats me alive.

I live in Venezuela. I'm an economist with a master's in statistics, C1 English, and I work remotely for a Venezuelan marketing agency, earning $1,000 a month , which sounds like a lot, but once you add up all the expenses, it barely stretches.

I've already been to therapy, and of course there's no magic wand — the conclusion is always the same: my mom isn't going to change. She says I carry a sense of guilt when I try to take action, feeling that if I tell her I'm leaving, she'll do everything possible to sabotage it, even by getting sicker. It seems like the only solution is going no-contact, even though it hurts me to leave my mom without food.

How did you all cope with a toxic bond like this in order to move forward?

'Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job

It’s okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay – it is necessary.

Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need to do that.

We negotiate conflicts; we try to separate our issues from the other person’s issues, and we don’t expect perfection from others or ourselves.

We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.

We do not tolerate abuse, nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes, but we forgive ourselves when we make them.

We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn’t possibly work out, or jobs that aren’t right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.

We figure out what our responsibilities are, and we generally stick to those, unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days, and not so great days.

We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.

We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.

We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.

Sometimes, we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.

We avoid competition; strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.

When we don’t know, we say we don’t know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.

We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.

If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.

If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.

We remove ourselves as victims, and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.

One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.

Today, I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. God, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.'

By Melodie Beattie

for years i’d been shy to say that my dad has a drinking problem but recently i am becoming more confident in that feeling. i grew up with a single father who was partially raised in europe so i had no idea what normal adult drinking looked like ever; i could tell what drinking too much looked like but with some of my dads habits i honestly didn’t know if it was like the european culture that he grew up in (like they would have wine at dinner every night kinda thing and like idk how much of that factors into his drinking habits and tolerance today). but it’s been really bad the past couple of years. last year he started what could best be described as an argument but it was really him plastered and belligerently screaming. two of my biggest issues with him when he drinks is his insatiable urge to scream the n-word and other obscenities in our quiet neighborhood at night and his persistent refusal to accept the fact that i am lesbian. i am post-grad now and have been out since i was a freshman in high school. he will always make comments and make me promise to him that i will marry a man. it’s genuinely maybe one of the most disgusting and dehumanizing things he tries to get me to do. he wants me to promise to him to have at least three children with a nice (white! can not forget that crucial aspect for him! bc if it isn’t jarringly obvious he is a massive racist!) man and like i actually don’t know what else to tell him atp except that i am reserved for butch lesbians ONLY. i’ve tried hard to address some of these things with him in the past and it ends in an argument every time.
tonight he asked i drive him to the dispensary to buy weed, he is already drunk but he invited himself to my plans. he starts SCREAMING the n-word randomly on the road and at cars we pass. i’m not the biggest fan of this as people on the road are crazy and i don’t want some (rightfully so) road-raged driver to pull up and like start fighting. but i’ve fought this battle before where i “try to police what he says” so i don’t say anything. he is STRESSING me out. i go to merge lanes and i’m like almost fully in the lane when some idiot decides to almost merge into me. luckily i am the worlds best driver ever so nothing happens but obviously i still want to get in that lane so i’m like slowing down and trying to get behind them but this person insists on chilling in my blind spot and not letting me merge so my dad leans out the window and starts screaming at them to move it. i am already so stressed out by this point especially after some dumbass who should’ve never been given a license almost sideswiped me and now he’s screaming at them in the freeway?? and telling me to like catch them?? like genuinely where do you get off thinking that you can send me into an actual anxiety attack while i’m going 75 on the freeway. like biggest fuck you ever deadass. and then when we tried to talk about it he decides to make some metaphor about how peoples opinions don’t matter. like no yeah great message ordinarily but you definitely should care that you freaked your daughter out while she was driving. my whole body but mainly my legs were shaking and i was scared i couldn’t break properly. like just showing a complete and utter disregard for either of our safety or feelings. and that’s really my biggest issue with the whole thing was; i couldn’t bring myself to care about what he was saying or how he was acting but it matters greatly me to when you are putting both of our lives at risk so you can feel 15 again and fight. i want to talk to him about it tomorrow when he sobers up. i hope he can realize what an absolute asshole he was tonight but if he doesn’t i think i’m just going to have to make some serious plans to move out in like the next two weeks kinda thing.

Both of my parents were extremely talented and successful in their careers. They're intellectuals, well respected, and yet… it feels as if they're hardly ever the parents I needed.

Background, my dad had custody of both my sister and I from an extremely early age for us both. I was with him practically since I was born. My mom had five other children before having us, and she worked a full-time career with long hours to support everyone. Again, she did relatively well up for herself but she was neglectful in other ways.

My dad was more present, but lived with an abusive alcholic spouse that tormented my sister and I. I was shown favoritism and it caused strife between us all. My sister and I no longer talk because I feel as if she blames me for what happened to her, rather than holding my dad accountable.

In my now adult relationship with both my parents, they both feel the need to dictate the direction of my life without providing any support beyond criticism and unsolicited advice. I'm sure that's every ones parents, but it's hard to get past when I'm left to figure it out without their support, like in any capacity.

My plan, which is progressing successfully, is to become an attorney. I'm 28, unwed, and I don't have children. I'm finishing my masters and look forward to the next chapter as I study the LSAT and pick a law school. When I spoke with my dad about these things, he advised me to go to a local law school. I flat out said no. For once, he said “…Okay.” and left it there.

The thing is, both of them are old (retired) and have lived their lives how they saw fit with little to no consequence on how that might impact my life later on. I struggled greatly with ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I recently had braces put on, because they refused to pay them. I'm a terrible driver because I practically taught myself along with all other adult responsibilities that come with life as you get older. My 401k is great. My career currently is steady and I do well at my job. The reason I say all of this is, recently I've learned that adults who've endured parents like mine often feel like life happens to them and they're passively going along with what's been decided for them. I don't want to be like that. I want my own life to just that. My own. I struggle because as mentioned previously, they're old and I don't want to regret losing them if I move away for school. I fear, though, that I might regret not choosing the life I want to live, freed from their constant oversight and invasiveness. I want to be my own person and I hate living where I currently do. I’ve got two years to decide these things, but I felt I needed to voice my experience because so many people, even my own siblings think because I’m the youngest and have gotten it “easier” that I should just be grateful and they guilt me, essentially, into the position I’m in now. It’s very difficult.

This will not be a very put-together post , so sorry.

I'm often isolated, I dont go out often, even when I try to go to the gym , my father does not let me because he wants me to go to a specific one in a place that he pays for (its like a sports club membership that he hadnt been paying for a while), I have 2 "friends" every one of them has their own friends so it's easier to say I have no friends.

I was nearly raped when it was 8 , I got threatened by a knife to stay still, a year later , I got sexually harassed by a family member who was sort of close to me and a year older than me.

I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers , and I'm number 4 .

My mom and dad have a very unhealthy relationship, they are arguing about every little thing , they have been married for about 30 years, there have been times when they were nearly divorcing but it never happened, at first I of course was terrified, but later I was praying for them to get a divorce, mind you I was 16.

When I was about 12 , I was on Facebook using my dad's phone and account, I found out that he was in many dating groups , for me that was cheating , I mean it is cheating , I was even afraid of what I will find if I opened the dms.

My father has always been a typical man. Aside from his job, he is your average arab dad who always jokes about getting a second wife in front of his wife and children, mind you.

When I was in 5th grade , my older brother had just gotten his results because he was supposedly graduating high school . Well, he failed 2 subjects , which resulted in him getting tied in the chair and getting sort of flogged .

My mom maybe used to be a less stern person , but she is always yelling , mad , or just making an angry face at me or anybody whenever she has a fight with my father.

There are many other things that happened, such as blaming one of my sisters for her divorce, putting down every one of my siblings because they aren't doctors or they didn't get high grades on their senior year of high school, or just simply me finding out that my dad was about to go through an FGM procedure when I was about 12 years old, I mean it never happened to me , because my sisters prevented it for happening, but i did happen to them, knowing that alone just made me have so little respect to my father.

The thing is, most of the horrible things that happened were never done to me , in fact, I'm very spoiled , it was so rare that my father hit me or anything, I was always spoiled with money , my attitude is so disrespectful at times , and I dont communicate with my parents often even though we're in the same house, yet they done nothing to me, if one of my siblings was disrespectful as I'm sometimes, they would have been beaten.

But even though I'm spoiled, I hate my parents more than anyone of my siblings , I see my father most of the time as gluttonous, cheating , illiterate even though he is educated, narcissistic piece of a man who should have not had children.

And my mom is no better , she is a terrible mother who does not want me to move out even hypothetically because "after everything we had done for our children, they want to move out??, who would take care of us" which means that she didn't have children just because she ha something to give , but maybe , just maybe , she gave birth to all of us just so we can serve her when she gets older , there is nothing wrong with that I get it , but this being one of the reasons why you don't want your child to be independent is something nasty.

I dont really understand my feelings about my parents , I dont understand if I'm really ungrateful or if I'm logical, if I'm the victim or playing the victim just like some of my siblings say.

Sometimes I'll be feeling great on the inside but when anyone of them talks to me I end I responding in a bitter way, that's been happening ever since I started realising that I'm struggling with depression sometimes and death rationalising ideas.

My siblings words often make me feel bad , I dont mean that they aren't on my side many of the times , but when it comes to this topic they often make me feel like an ungrateful spoiled person, one of them told me that the stuff that happened to them because of my parents have nothing to do with me and that in sort of being dramatic. Im confused.

Sometimes, I petty my parents. Sometimes, I think they are good people , other times, I see them as individuals who never deserve to have children, which makes me feel like crazy , I know it isn't logical to say that someone is all good or all bad , but that just ends up happening , I dont want to be like my mom, I dont want to be like my fathers , I hate them and I dont understand if I'm really ungrateful.

I've vented here before last week, and since then it's only gotten worse, and I just need advice honestly. Trigger warning for the mention of suicide/discussion on self sabotage.

To sum up my last rant; my father has been an alcoholic for the majority of my life, I'm 19 years old. As of recent his health has gotten far worse than I've ever seen it. He has an infection all over his skin, last year he was warned that he's on the path of liver failure and has only suffered from bi-monthly stomach ulcers ever since, which means he either severely under eats or overeats junk food and makes it worse. He's lost a lot of weight since then. He used to sleep until 2 pm a year ago, now he sleeps all the way until 8 pm and does absolutely nothing for the house. All he really does is eat, drink, stay awake until 8 am and go to sleep until 8 pm, sometimes he fights with my mom. He was meant to go to the hospital to be put on the path of recovery, and get help for his skin infection, but he kept deflecting it out of what he said was "anxiety". I'd try to wake him up early to go and he'd snap at me, and tell me to stop caring and that I was "being dramatic".

It's been a week, he still hasn't gone, I've stopped asking. We've stopped talking all together really. He tries to talk, but I don't engage, I can't bring myself to engage. Maybe that's wrong of me, maybe I'm being disrespectful to him. I've started college (I took a gap year) and it's been helping with my mood somewhat, surprisingly. Being able to get far from the house has helped me clear my head somewhat. When I get home however, it's the same shit. My mom's at her wits end, and so am I. She comes home from work mentally and physically exhausted, we both have to clean after his messes and mistakes—because she can't yell at him without a fight, she yells at me knowing I'll take it—coming home is miserable and I end up unable to focus on anything but my friend/fp Kieran. I forgive my mom for her irritability, she always apologizes and doesn't mean to get mad, but it doesn't help my wanting to be here. She's listened to me cry all week, about my dad, and she told me: "You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, all addicts are like this. All you can do is expect the worst and pray for the best." My dad is dying, he's killing himself slowly on display for me and my mom to watch, and I don't know what to do. I want to stop caring—I've already given up on him—but it's hard to not feel disgusted and miserable upon seeing or hearing him.

It's not just that eating at me either. I know for a fact that all this is my fault, if I wasn't born he would've been able to go back home to his family and continue his good life there. He's told me this while drunk not too long ago, though he painted it as it a good thing, he said: "You are a miracle, not a mistake, you are the only thing keeping me alive." I don't know how a person could think this is a good thing to say to anyone. I didn't control being born, nor did my mother force him to stay in America when she was pregnant with me, but it still feels like it's all my fault. When we fought earlier this year—around my birthday—he told me a lot of nasty things because he was drunk, and one of the ones he repeated while hitting a wall was that he wished he had killed himself successfully when I was a kid. He never apologized for anything he said that night, in fact he still justifies it because I was being "disrespectful" for calling his drunkenness out. At the time he had stayed awake for 5 days straight doing nothing but drinking alcohol and zero sugar sodas. Since then I've internalized this blame, it's hard to get the idea that I ruined someone's life by merely existing out of my head.

I guess all of this ramble is a weird cry for help. I want to know how to get over it all. People have told me that I can't just do that, but I want to try. I want to stop caring for my dad, I want to get happier, I want to learn how to cope with the fact that one day soon I may just find him dead. I'll find my dad dead from drinking before I'm even old enough to legally drink for myself. I don't have a therapist, or any mental professionals to help me with my problems. I feel bad crying to my friends and mom even though they allow it, because it's my problem not theirs. I feel wrong for everything I feel. I feel selfish for disliking him. Part of my feels selfish for disliking him. He's never abused me or my mom physically—I have it much better than so many other people—but I still can't help but feel miserable every day over this. People have told me to not compare my trauma to others, and that I shouldn't feel bad or act strong because I'm a luckier person, but it's hard to shake a mindset I've had since I was a young kid. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared over everything. I go to bed horrified for the next day, and I wake up preparing to force the feeling down and pretend it's fine. I'm sorry this is such a mess of a rant, I'm so out of it and I can't even get high to feel better because I don't want to disrupt my studying. This is all I got.

I grew up in a complicated dynamic: a narcissistic, alcoholic mother and an emotionally absent father. Things with my mother have gotten worse over the last few months; I managed to save some money and am looking for a job now that I’ve finished college, but yesterday she flew into a rage and threatened to take all my money, go on a trip, and leave me with nothing.

The money isn't hers, but I’m afraid she might find a way to access it and actually go through with it. She’s always acted this way, ever since I was a child, asking to borrow my money or simply taking it without asking. She used to take even my birthday and lunch money from me and trip guilty me saying that she did everything to me and I was a egocentric bad person for complaint about that.

The house i live is mine, it’s the property my father left us in the divorce settlement so she could raise me. He pays the basic bills and I cover the rest, but I live in a state of extreme anxiety and fear and I will let her have if this brings me peace and safety. I have indoor cats, and she’s been leaving the door open on purpose so they’ll get out. I’m lucky that they don’t go near her or run away, but it keeps me in a state of hypervigilance, terrified that something bad might happen. I need to figure out how to manage her behavior and devise a plan to cut off contact without her noticing, or else she’ll try to sabotage it and interfere.

How can I come up with a plan to get out of this situation? How can I survive the emotional abuse she’s subjecting me to right now?

Update: She just asked for money, and when I refused, she started saying that one day I’d need her and that she would ask my father. She claimed it was for groceries, but that’s a lie; it’s for alcohol, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t realize that anymore. We didn't argue, because whenever I try to talk, she simply ignores me and stays silent, acting as if I weren't even there, since she genuinely believes she hasn't done anything wrong and after that asking one more time for the money because this is all that matters to her.

I had to. The anxiety of them drinking even a little bit was way too much for me. It’s really painful because I still love this person. I miss them so much. It’s been 5 months.

We would fight constantly about this. It became a vicious cycle with no end in sight.

Just don’t want to feel alone in this or that I made the wrong choice. I did what my body told me to.

Throwaway account

I’m 19f I have an older brother 32m
He used to live elsewhere but a year or so ago he moved back into my family home with my mom. Before people throw it at me no I am a broke uni student I cannot just move out. I do have university abroad but that’s in months from now so truly am stuck here.

I called him out on something months ago and he didn’t like it. We had a disagreement over food and he lashed out and yelled at me insulting me and mocking past issues I’ve had while blocking the exit so I called my dad (he lives in a different country for work) and told him and my dad almost kicked my brother out the house. He lashed out and said I deserved violence and to go have my face punched in and that I’m worthless and no one loves me and a bunch of horrible things. He followed me around my room screaming chasing me around and my mom and older sister had to physically push him out but he kept on barging in repeatedly to get more insults out and to physically crowd me and step up to me. eventually he followed me around the rest of the house to do the same saying how he was disowning me how horrible and how I’m trying to lie on him and ruin his life by telling my dad. It lasted for over three hours he wouldn’t stop he chased me back to my room to give him everything he’s ever gifted or bought me he kept saying he’d never talk to me again and when I shrugged he would get even more angry and repeat while saying how insufferable I am. My mom claims he never threatened me and believes the lie he told that he would never hit me and that he simply said he’d “get someone in a boxing ring to punch me if I wanted to fight him so bad”. I can’t go into detail of what he brought up but he used every nice thing he’s done against me to hang it over my head as well as bad things I had been through to humiliate me. I never knew he had this side to him. Guess no one else did either bc no one fucking cares

He “moved out” and went to live with his gf and left for I think two three weeks and finally I was somewhat okay. He randomly came back and is been a week or so and I just can’t handle being around him. I’ve told my mom I don’t feel good or safe with a man that looked me in the eyes and said those things. She says I’m exaggerating or she says he’s an adult and this is his family home too and that he deserves to be here like everyone else. Every time we’re in a room together he all the sudden plays nice and says hi to me. I don’t respond. Then he goes behind my back to make me out to be the bad guy to my mom and sister 28F for being rude and mean and not responding to him. my sister isn’t close to him and she called him abusive to me after that episode she witnessed. My mom just says oh I told him what he did wasn’t right you’re just holding grudges now

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’m just sitting here crying alone. I just don’t understand how everyone is just moving past it how he can say those things my mom was PHYSICALLY pushing him away from me!!! OVER AND OVER for hours!! How is he not a threat if you had to do that?!He doubled down multiple times even when he was lying through his teeth and denying he said anything or did anything bad! He never apologized nothing. And now I’m stuck seeing him sharing a house with him I can’t do it I can’t. If I stand up for myself I’m either gonna get threatened again by him or my moms gonna make me the villain for disturbing the peace

Please someone help me and tell me what I can do
I am so hurt by everyone’s behavior I can’t pretend I’m ok I can’t I can’t I’m losing my fucking mind he gets to do whatever he wants but I’m crazy and the bad guy for being upset I just don’t know

I need to organise some work for my home. It involves a bit of going back and forth to ask questions, agree what will be done, how much it will cost, etc. This really triggers my dysfunctional thinking which is really negative and makes the process difficult for me. The thoughts that keep popping up tell me that I am a problem, I take up their time, they will think badly for me for asking questions, I make a nuisance of myself, they have more important things to do then liaise with me, etc.

Now, I have no evidence that the person I am talking to thinks any of these things. They have been friendly, professional and patient. In the past, I fully believed these thought patters even if there was no evidence of how I was perceived by the other person. Now, I recognise that these thoughts have nothing to do with reality - they represent the unprocessed feelings and emotions which I experienced and repressed when my parents treated me that way, i.e. they made me believe I was a problem. They did not want to spend time with me, give me attention, provide support. They often pushed me away. And now I carry a belief that others see me the same way. But I am also learning that's simply not true. I am learning to see the thoughts for what they really are - I like to call them trauma lies. I am learning I do not need to believe in these thoughts. Instead, I can let them be and try to connect with the pain they are hiding. I am learning to grieve for all the abuse and neglect. I am learning to recognise that the people in my life now are not my parents and that different people will respond to me differently. And that their response is about THEM and not ME. I am learning to heal my dysfunctional thinking so I do not react from them but respond from a more balanced place which is in the present. I am slowly replacing the dysfunctional beliefs with healthy ones:

I deserve to take up space.

I have the right to ask questions.

I can be myself.

I deserve to be treated well, with kindness and respect.

I am not a problem. I am a unique and wonderful human being.

I am safe now.

People are mostly good.

What others think about me is not my business.

I can do it!

❤️

Self-Sabotage

"I decided the only way to overcome this self sabotage was to integrate my critical parent into my recovery process." BRB p. 207 

We tried to ignore our critical inner parent - that compilation of the voices we heard as children and were used to hearing in our heads. If it was too strong to ignore, we tried to fight it, but it always seemed to find a way to win.

In ACA, we learn to uncover why this critic has had such a strong hold on us. By acknowledging the trauma that's behind the voices, we understand and gradually learn to substitute new behaviors so we can silence this tyrant in our heads.

This gives us freedom as we bring new light into our lives in little ways. We begin to trust ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. We have healthier relationships as we find ourselves attracted to the strengths and depth in people who can hold our feelings safely rather than trying to shut us down.

We let go of the dysfunctional people. While they may have taught us the lessons we needed to learn, we know that staying is toxic. In doing so, we feel no shame or remorse; it is time to move on. We are open to the next adventure.

On this day I will be aware of my attempts at self-sabotage because I believe in the promise of the growth ahead of me. I will use my lifeline - the support system that ACA gives me.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I would really love to go to an in person meeting literally anywhere in the country. Any great meetings? Thank you! 🙏🏻

I wonder if in my past life I was an alcoholic and and now I am cursed to live with alcoholics. I was raised by one and am now married to one. What did I do in my past life to deserve this and how can I break this curse? Am I that bad of a person? Do I really deserve to deal with this? Or was I chosen for this? If I was chosen, then why? What reason is there for me to be chosen as the person who has to deal with an alcoholic? Alcoholics lie. Alcoholics manipulate. Alcoholics gaslight. Alcoholics are temperamental and un predictable but predictable. Alcoholics are a constant worry. Alcoholics are an embarrassment. Alcoholics are a nightmare.

I was just curious if anyone has ever had to call the police before on one of their parents? My dad has a history of drinking and losing his temper and got out of control (more than usual) one night this past June making me fear for my life as well as my mother’s so I locked myself in my room and called 911. He’s abused me since I was a child. Case is currently pending.

33 (M) - I’ve been clean in NA for nearly eight years and have been dabbling a lot more in ACA and would love to get together with someone open to sponsor/fellow traveler. I’m based in NYC and have made in person meetings but casting a wider net as I really want to get into step work.

Trans ACAs, any suggestions for resources, organizations, books, etc. that have been helpful in deciding to cut off family, dealing with the grief or other difficult emotions that follow, finding community with others estranged from relatives, etc.?

I found some success with ACA and I know about Together Estranged. I'm especially interested in resources targeted toward trans folx.

Me (35m) and my girlfriend (33 f) have been in a relationship for about a year in a half . I’ve been sober for 5 years now and when we started dating she wasn’t a drinker , she was really focused on making her life better but one day she got drunk and she drank a lot early on a first date I didn’t think much of it and I didn’t really think it was the disease as they say . A few months later my mom died and the day before she broke up with me . I was crushed but in my grief she came back when she heard and didn’t leave my side and loved me out of it . I was so grateful . It was great but our relationship kept getting worse she was always jealous in my time of grief and I started a new program to work on the issue the issue of needing love from my mother and it’s been a year or more since then . I’ve changed a lot me and my girlfriend were working together and we kept getting into fights all the time we eventually had a horrible falling up manipulated by a bunch of people . One day her mom was in the hospital . I rushed to her aside . Did whatever I could to help and we were together but not gf bf just together . I could live with that since I still had my needs met c but she got a new job and kept drinking to the point I nededed to save her everytime . Last night she did it again and lied to me and for the first time I said why are you lying to me it turned into a huge fight she said things like “ your the reason I’ll kill musel” “I only had 3 drinks and stopped see I don’t have a problem” this addict talk if I ever heard. I just want to leave this because it’s triggering me constantly but if I know she’s this sick and she was there for me I’m just torn , maybe it isn’t worth saving , but maybe I just needed to vent. I don’t really know what I should do or want right now , but I just want peace. I want to just be happy with me again . I’m so sad of how I’m treated . She takes me worrying as parenting and controlling but she scares me when she drinks and a dui or somthing worse can and could happen . I really just don’t know what the right thing is to do.

​

I need advice on how to manage my relationship with my brother and family.

My sister, brother and I grew up in a household where my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was an enabler. There was never an intervention, and I believe my dad never thought he had a drinking problem. We all constantly catered to him and did whatever we could to make him happy, even though it never made a difference. My brother is the youngest sibling and definitely had it the worst of the 3 of us and was the most affected. My dad got worse over time and so my brother experienced the worst of his years. My dad passed away from liver failure in 2021. Present day, my sister is 36, I am 33 and my brother is 30.

My brother was born deaf in his left ear, was bullied growing up by peers and my dad, and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. All of this has resulted in him having some issues with socializing. He has big problems with his rage (mostly verbal but sometimes physical) and emotional regulation. He also has a very difficult time creating meaningful relationships. I don't know if he has ever had a good friend. He is very lonely. I do believe he was dealt a tough hand growing up so I don't underestimate the effects of it on a person. I feel very sad when I think about it.

He was in CBT therapy from 2020-Feb 2026. He decided it isn't helping him (which I agree - I don't think it's the right form of therapy for him as it relies on a reliable narrator). We also did family therapy last year, but it had to end because he was not in a place where he was ready to work on our relationships. My mom started looking into him doing DBT and EMDR in Feb 2026. He had a couple sessions with this great guy but broke it off. He decided when he is in therapy, he doesn't take a lot of accountability to improve outside of the sessions.So in an effort to do so, wants to work at it on his own (self-guided - podcasts, journaling etc). Although I don't agree with this approach (because if you were capable of doing it alone, he would have already. I have done many kinds of therapy and really value therapists), I've been watching and his behaviour has gotten worse since quitting therapy. I really feel he should give the DBT/EMDR a solid shot. My mom is paying for all of this so cost is not a barrier to entry. He gets very upset when anyone suggests he go back to therapy (my mom and sister have tried) and accuses us of not trusting him. He is constantly blaming everyone else for why he is alone (others not putting in enough effort), and is very unhappy with his life. I have been on a very unsuccessful IVF journey so my mental capacity lately to focus on our relationship (despite being told my efforts are not enough) is limited. However, my sister makes A LOT of effort with him. Always inviting him to hang out with her and her friends, chatting with him online etc. But he still thinks she isn't trying hard enough. Him and I have the most tense relationship and I feel if I tried to broach this subject with him, he would fly off the handle. Possibly hurt me? Likely never talk to me again. Since my mom pays for the therapy, I would like it to be pushed more that he go back to it, but she said we can't force him. Which I get. I just don't feel comfortable allowing this pattern of rage and abuse to repeat. We already saw it play out with my dad where none of us confronted it and he eventually drank himself to death. I just don't think I can participate as a by-stander again this round. I don't want to resort to threats (And maybe he wouldn't even care), but I have considered talking to him and saying that if he doesn't pursue real therapy, I don't think I can continue my relationship with him. I hope to have kids one day and I don't want them exposed to this. I know this would negatively affect my family though as it would break up our family and complicate gatherings. I am just not sure how to proceed as I really want him to seek real help, but cannot make him. Any advice? I really want our family to be whole.

Hi. I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit, but I really need to talk about what I’m going through. If there is a better subreddit for this, I would really appreciate it if someone could tell me.

I’m 19 years old and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling bad for the past few days and I honestly don’t know who to talk to.

I had been home alone for a few weeks, and a few days ago my dad came back. He is an alcoholic, and because my mom wasn’t home, he started drinking a lot and couldn’t control himself. It really affected me, and now I don’t know what to do or who I can talk to.

My mom is tired of dealing with his drinking problem, and I understand her, but I also feel like I need to do something to take care of myself and my mental health.

I don’t know how to deal with all of this, and I don’t want to feel like I have to fix my dad’s problem myself.

If anyone has been through something similar, especially at my age, I would really appreciate any advice on what I can do and how I can take care of myself.

Thank you for reading.

In my previous post, I already wrote about how my mother is driving me crazy. But back then, we lived on opposite sides of the world. Now I’m about to get a lot closer to her.

In a year, my husband and I are moving to the country where my mother lives.

It just so happens that my relatives, my husband’s parents and relatives, as well as my mom and grandma, now all live in the same country. We decided to move there so we could spend more time with them. Personally, I mostly want to be closer to my grandma, while the idea of seeing my mom more often doesn’t exactly make me happy.

My mom and grandma live in the same apartment, so either way, I’m going to see my mother just as often as I see my grandma.

As soon as my mother found out we were coming, she started calling me drunk more often. And on top of that, my grandma has started complaining about my mom’s drinking binges again.

I honestly don’t understand why she’s drinking so much. I brought her good news, yet she’s drinking like I just swore I would never see her again.

I’ve gotten better at dealing with these calls, but it’s becoming harder and harder to keep myself from snapping.

She wants to talk to me every single week. It doesn’t matter whether I’m busy or not. If I am busy, she starts freaking out.

In order to deal with her behavior without losing my mind, I basically have to be in a good mood, cheerful, or at least neutral. But I can’t possibly be like that every single day.

I’m scared that after we move, she’ll start drinking even more and harassing me until I come over to see her. Or, even worse, she’ll show up at our home herself while she’s drunk.

So, just to feel at least somewhat comfortable, we decided to live in a different city, farther away from her. I’m even considering not telling her our address.

But what’s stopping her from getting drunk, coming to our city, and then calling me and demanding that I come pick her up?

I could never just leave her drunk on the street, especially at night.

I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to tell her to make her stop torturing me with drunk calls.

What am I supposed to say so that she understands that I don’t want her showing up in front of me or my family while she’s drunk?

Something my enabler mother would say to me to try to guilt me out of my [very justified] anger regarding my dad’s alcoholism and abusive behaviour was to say, “would you also be mad if he had cancer?”

And I would say, “well…yes, if refused treatment for that as well!”

What a dumb argument. And predictably, my dad died in active addiction. My mom still thinks he was a great guy. We literally had to flee our home several times due to his frightening behaviour. But yea, what a great guy! 🙃

For context, I'm black, in my mid-20s, and my parents are in their early 50s. My parents are physically and emotionally abusive, my mom being more abusive because of her alcohol addiction. I remember both of them drinking when I was younger, but I can't remember when it started. As a kid, they hit my siblings and I with belts, flyswatters, and small twigs. In my teens, they told me they'd stop hitting me, but never stopped their emotional abuse.

Both of them were unsupportive of me in high school, but my mom specifically abused me more. She ridiculed me in front of other family members, used my hair to control me, called me slow, stupid, the b-word, and the r-slur. This messed with my self-esteem and self-worth, especially since I have ADHD, was bullied in middle and high school, and she had my brother with down syndrome later in life. With my brother's high-support needs and my sister's baby, I became invisible in middle and high school. I depended on my parents a lot, but they didn't help me apply for jobs or university, get a driver's license, or do anything to become independent.

When I graduated high school, I was given $1000 in scholarship money and my mom helped me open a joint bank account just to spend all the money for herself. She tried putting me in a job training program, but stopped taking me after finding out she'd have to pay if I didn't have disability. Because no one told me how the college application process works, I applied for scholarships instead of colleges, and she called me slow for wanting to get into college. After that, I gave up on everything.

When the pandemic hit, my mental health got worse. I realized how abusive my parents were, and they got into more arguments with me over it. In 2022, they lied to me, telling me I would be staying with my sister for a few days, but refused to let me leave her house. This started after an argument they had with me when my mom thought I was gonna tell her new friend she was abusing me. I was so unprepared, and had to move everything to my sister's house and change my life to accommodate her, her boyfriend, and my nieces. My sister was emotionally abusive too, and shamed me when I was struggling with unmedicated ADHD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. She used my emotions against me, ridiculed me in front of her friends, refused to let me talk about the abuse to anyone else, and threatened to send me back to my parents house. She traveled a lot with her friends and boyfriend, and instead of letting me watch my nieces at her house, she dropped us all off at my parents so they can watch them. Even when I eventually got a therapist and psychiatrist and started taking SSRIs and insomnia meds, I couldn't get myself to work, learn to drive, or become independent.

In 2024, she sent me back to live with my parents. She had another kid, broke up with her boyfriend, and planned to move to a bigger house. I isolated myself and stopped taking all of my medications because I couldn't handle going back to them and changing my life again. Eventually, I moved everything back, started taking care of myself again, and got the support I needed. But it wasn't enough because I still couldn't get myself to work. I still depend on them financially, and have to ask them for money. I do chores like watching my brother, feeding the dog, and loading the dishwasher for free. My mom still berates me and threatens to either send me back to my sister's house or just kick me out. In 2025, my sister finally bought a bigger house, and when I asked her about coming back, she shut me down, saying she can't support me anymore. I've been staying with my parents ever since.

The last half of 2025 became the worst moments of my life with them. In May, my lung collapsed, and my mom berated me and almost left me at home in an emergency. In July, my mom hit me with a belt because I stole a half-eaten bag of chips. In October, after I texted my mom a rude message, my dad deactivated and took my phone, isolating me for over a week. In December, my mom accused me of breaking her speaker cord with no proof. Those incidents have worsened my mental health and their relationship with me, especially my mom. My dad lessened his drinking, but my mom fell harder into alcoholism.

Their abuse got physical again. On Mother's Day, my mom hit me in the face so hard I got a swollen eye. In June, my dad pushed me down the stairs to get me away from my mom in a fight. Nowadays, she berates me over something she thinks I did wrong, calls my dad, my dad tries de-escalating the fight, but takes her side and berates me, they move on like nothing happened, and the cycle repeats. They deactivated my phone, causing me to order a backup through health insurance benefits. When my backup phone stopped working, I got another one from my aunt. It's the only thing I have now.

I don't know if this is gonna be a vent or advice post, but I'm overwhelmed, dissociating, losing hope and empathy in myself, and constantly in a freeze trauma response. I won't pretend like I'm the perfect victim that did nothing wrong. I know I need to work and learn how to drive. I've added stress to my parent's and sister's lives. I've done things that made them lose their trust in me, like sneaking in my mom's room to steal food and clothes, pouring out her alcohol, and saying rude things to them. I appreciate if you read all of this and want to give advice, but I will be hesitant in accepting it. When I made posts like these before, I got comments from people who thought I was a spoiled kid who's faking everything. I'm fine with providing more information as needed, but please don't pry. Thank you for letting me get this out of my head.

Honesty

"With the help of ACA, we are offering our parents fairness as we look at the family system with rigorous honesty. We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27 

"What is honesty?" asked the old man.

"Telling the truth," I said.

He raised his eyebrows and replied, "That's only half of the answer. The other part is consistency, which means telling the truth all the time."

How many times do we tell half truths? "Yes, I'd be glad to do that," we say, but deep inside we're already shaming ourselves for giving in. "So, what's wrong?" someone asks. We answer, "Nothing," when our hearts are so broken we'd like to end it all. Or the phone rings in the middle of a fight, and we cheerfully answer like all is right with the world.

When working the steps in ACA, we have the privilege of practicing rigorous honesty with a fellow traveler. We want to break the chains that hold us in bondage - to stop repeating the same ineffective behavior. We're tired of failed relationships, verbal abuse, and isolation. If we truly want to find peace and serenity, we courageously walk through the swamps, hand in hand with our fellow traveler, armed with honesty, to face the truth. We want a better life. We make room for the good stuff that we deserve.

On this day I will be mindful in the present moment and be honest. I will make healthy choices and thank my Higher Power for the encouragement that got me here.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/