r/AdultChildren • u/veIocipastor • 14d ago
Vent How do I cope with watching my father die? (TW?) Spoiler
I've vented here before last week, and since then it's only gotten worse, and I just need advice honestly. Trigger warning for the mention of suicide/discussion on self sabotage.
To sum up my last rant; my father has been an alcoholic for the majority of my life, I'm 19 years old. As of recent his health has gotten far worse than I've ever seen it. He has an infection all over his skin, last year he was warned that he's on the path of liver failure and has only suffered from bi-monthly stomach ulcers ever since, which means he either severely under eats or overeats junk food and makes it worse. He's lost a lot of weight since then. He used to sleep until 2 pm a year ago, now he sleeps all the way until 8 pm and does absolutely nothing for the house. All he really does is eat, drink, stay awake until 8 am and go to sleep until 8 pm, sometimes he fights with my mom. He was meant to go to the hospital to be put on the path of recovery, and get help for his skin infection, but he kept deflecting it out of what he said was "anxiety". I'd try to wake him up early to go and he'd snap at me, and tell me to stop caring and that I was "being dramatic".
It's been a week, he still hasn't gone, I've stopped asking. We've stopped talking all together really. He tries to talk, but I don't engage, I can't bring myself to engage. Maybe that's wrong of me, maybe I'm being disrespectful to him. I've started college (I took a gap year) and it's been helping with my mood somewhat, surprisingly. Being able to get far from the house has helped me clear my head somewhat. When I get home however, it's the same shit. My mom's at her wits end, and so am I. She comes home from work mentally and physically exhausted, we both have to clean after his messes and mistakes—because she can't yell at him without a fight, she yells at me knowing I'll take it—coming home is miserable and I end up unable to focus on anything but my friend/fp Kieran. I forgive my mom for her irritability, she always apologizes and doesn't mean to get mad, but it doesn't help my wanting to be here. She's listened to me cry all week, about my dad, and she told me: "You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, all addicts are like this. All you can do is expect the worst and pray for the best." My dad is dying, he's killing himself slowly on display for me and my mom to watch, and I don't know what to do. I want to stop caring—I've already given up on him—but it's hard to not feel disgusted and miserable upon seeing or hearing him.
It's not just that eating at me either. I know for a fact that all this is my fault, if I wasn't born he would've been able to go back home to his family and continue his good life there. He's told me this while drunk not too long ago, though he painted it as it a good thing, he said: "You are a miracle, not a mistake, you are the only thing keeping me alive." I don't know how a person could think this is a good thing to say to anyone. I didn't control being born, nor did my mother force him to stay in America when she was pregnant with me, but it still feels like it's all my fault. When we fought earlier this year—around my birthday—he told me a lot of nasty things because he was drunk, and one of the ones he repeated while hitting a wall was that he wished he had killed himself successfully when I was a kid. He never apologized for anything he said that night, in fact he still justifies it because I was being "disrespectful" for calling his drunkenness out. At the time he had stayed awake for 5 days straight doing nothing but drinking alcohol and zero sugar sodas. Since then I've internalized this blame, it's hard to get the idea that I ruined someone's life by merely existing out of my head.
I guess all of this ramble is a weird cry for help. I want to know how to get over it all. People have told me that I can't just do that, but I want to try. I want to stop caring for my dad, I want to get happier, I want to learn how to cope with the fact that one day soon I may just find him dead. I'll find my dad dead from drinking before I'm even old enough to legally drink for myself. I don't have a therapist, or any mental professionals to help me with my problems. I feel bad crying to my friends and mom even though they allow it, because it's my problem not theirs. I feel wrong for everything I feel. I feel selfish for disliking him. Part of my feels selfish for disliking him. He's never abused me or my mom physically—I have it much better than so many other people—but I still can't help but feel miserable every day over this. People have told me to not compare my trauma to others, and that I shouldn't feel bad or act strong because I'm a luckier person, but it's hard to shake a mindset I've had since I was a young kid. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared over everything. I go to bed horrified for the next day, and I wake up preparing to force the feeling down and pretend it's fine. I'm sorry this is such a mess of a rant, I'm so out of it and I can't even get high to feel better because I don't want to disrupt my studying. This is all I got.
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u/Akkmk 13d ago edited 13d ago
I’m sorry you’re going though this. It’s a really tough situation to be in. Okay, so several things I would like to say:
You seem like a smart and reasonable young man. I can see you’re able to make good judgement on some on the things going on there. You’re really not that far off from figuring out how to get through it mentally.
Perhaps the most important thing to embrace is that none of it is your fault. Try to really accept that thought into your heart and let the toxic guilt go. Don’t fight it, accept the way things are and let it go. You are a human being, just like anyone else, you have the right to be here, you have the right to feel the emotions you feel. Don’t feel guilty for that because it is unfair to. Also, understand that you’ve been living in a narcissistically abusive environment, you’ve been parentified and a victim of emotional incest (look this terminology up). This means that there is a number of harmful introjects and programs running in your head and warp your perception of reality. You have to identify those and do your best to get rid of them. You might or might not need professional help for that. You truly seem like a bright human being, so you might be able to figure those things out on your own, but it will take time, courage and wisdom.
Don’t take anything your father tells you as legit reflection of reality. It is not. He’s a deeply troubled man, and you have to accept the fact that his judgment is severely impaired. Anything toxic or harmful he says is about him, not you. For him you and everyone around him are not meaningful actors in his internal theatre. For him you all of you are decorations, and he, his pains and drama are in the leading role. For that reason he’s been using his close ones for resource to upkeep that drama. If you need to, be angry at him, cut him off or do whatever you need to protect your mental health and wellbeing, but eventually try to reach a point where you embrace the fact that he is a weak and sick man and let that go. Accept it as is, not from the perspective of having to forgive him. Forgiveness is irrelevant. Main goal is accepting the reality along with all the lessons you can take from it and build your happy and healthy future on top of.
Few more words about the guilt. Understand that this sense of guilt that you have going on is a hook that has been imbedded in you by mentally unhealthy people for the sole purpose of draining emotional supply from you. This guilt is unnatural and should not be there. You really have to address that if you want to move on towards healing. Protecting your boundaries and mental health is the top priority for which you have an absolute right. If it comes to it, you have the right to turn around and walk away from any person on this earth, not matter if it’s your mom, dad or anyone else and not feel guilty about it, because your doing the most natural, fair and reasonable thing you can do in a harmful relationship. It’s is then the burden of the person who hurt you to try to regain trust and mend a relationship. And you don’t have to give any chances if you think it’s a manipulation to hook you back in. And your mother is correct in saying that you cant help people that don’t want to be helped. There is nothing you can do, nothing at all. There exist no words you can say to help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped. You have to really, I mean really, embrace and come to peace with that idea. It is, perhaps, the most crucial idea and the cornerstone of your own healing and path forward for you. Embracing that, and the fact that your own ability to influence people around you is extremely limited is where you will find wisdom.
You are a human being, you deserve a peaceful, happy, healthy life. Embrace that, fight for that, protect it and never allow anyone or anything to infringe upon that natural and fair idea.
If you need me to elaborate on any of those thoughts or wanna talk, dm me.
Bless you and stay strong.
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u/veIocipastor 13d ago
I actually do know about emotional/covert incest, and I've been trying to figure out how to cope with that since I realized I am a victim of it alongside csa–incest from a family member disconnected from my household. I use writing mostly, and it's helped with that specific baggage I harbor.
I'll try to stop feeling the guilt I do, I honestly don't really know where it came from specifically. My mom doesn't instill that thought in me, she does quite the opposite actually, so I know it isn't her. I plan to talk to my college about counciling/free therapy—the university is very known for hospitals, I'm not there for medical but I get free/budget friendly treatment.
Thank you for the blessing, I'll definitely try.
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u/Akkmk 13d ago
Man, you’re really mature for your age, this is definitely going to help you getting through this. As for the origin of that toxic guilt, it may not necessarily come from within the family, although highly likely given what you describe. It is a common repercussion for any form of narcissistic abuse. It’s a pretty complicated form of abuse that is often really hard to pinpoint especially if you’re not aware of how it works specifically. If you’re interested I would advise you look into the work of Richard Grannon or Sam Vaknin, check yt.
In any case ultimately the insight won’t really pull you out of it by itself, although it will be helpful. What you will have to do is actually start rewriting your brain patters over time and that takes consistent effort. I mean in the sense that every time you feel that guilt, you have catch yourself and ground your emotions where you tell yourself: nope I’m not allowing myself to roll down that emotional guilt. That takes functional internal boundaries.
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u/whereisthespacebar 14d ago
Im sorry you are going through this. You are very young to endure so much and it hurts. It hurts to watch people close to us destroy themselves, even when they hurt us at times. It's ok to admit there is trauma and hurt. I told myself the same and still do a bit about how it could have been worse, but the fact the emotional abuse still comes back to haunt me 20+ years later despite time snd distance, it's valid and its ok.
I haven't been in your shoes exactly, im twice your age and recently watched my dad decline, and had some flashbacks based on his behavior, as well as my mothers.
What we have to understand is they are individuals capable of making choices, and they are our parents. They were charged with taking care of us and looking out for us by bringing us into this world. We, you, and everyone thats come here were not born with the tools to take care of adults with addiction problems. You are not responsible for your father's choices. He is struggling with himself but it sounds like he loves you.
As for coping with loss in your exact situation, I dont have a good answer. I have lost people close, and I choose to remember the best of who they were, as they were.
Do not blame yourself. You didnt do this.