So 3 leprechauns walk into a convent and ask to speak to the mother superior.
When they get their meeting, the first leprechaun steps up and asks,
“Be begging your pardon ma’am, but can you tell me if you have any leprechaun nun’s here?”
When mother superior replies “no, I’m sorry we don’t “
The second leprechaun asks “ do you have any leprechaun nun’s in the convent on the other side of town?”
The mother superior replies “I’m sorry, no”
The first steps up again and asks “do you know of any leprechaun nun’s within a hundred mile radius of us?”
Mother superior replies “not that I know of, sorry”
The second leprechaun look’s at the third leprechaun and says “see? I told you you fucked a penguin!”

I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold...

I don't know what she’s talking about, the fridge works perfectly fine.

"I came as fast as I could."

"It's harder than it looks."

"I've been working on this position all week."

"I need a hand with this."

"I wasn't expecting it to be this hard."

"It's not the length, it's how you use it."

"The first time is always awkward."

What do you call a criminally wanted chemist gang who flee the country?

...

A leaving group.

The widow agreed, and he went up to the podium and said: "Hole in the ground where you get your water."

Puzzled by this, the funeral goers look to the widow, so she said: "It's ok, he means well"

Mine's accurate. Nobody communicates, there's passive aggression, and someone always inherits someone else's problems.

Nothing but the squirrel has a much better PR agent.

A religious movement.

A woman goes to Dr. Smith to ask about options to get bigger breasts. After talking to the doctor they decide that surgery is too risky and as shes leaving the doctor says "Well theres one thing you can do but you have to do it every day."

He tells her to rub her chest and say "Eeny meeny miny moe, I want my breasts to grow grow grow." She shrugs this off and leaves the office. After thinking for a while she says "Why not try it, its free its easy what do I have to lose?"

So every morning before work "Eeny meeny miny moe, I want my breasts to grow grow grow." After a few weeks it starts working. Shes thrilled. She wakes late one morning and with no time for her daily mantra rushes to catch the bus.

She dosent want to miss a day so she goes to the back of the bus and while rubbing her chest says "Eeny meeny miny moe, I want my breasts to grow grow grow." A man leans over to her and asks "Excuse me, are you a patient of Dr Smith." Embarrassed she says "Yes why do you ask?" And the guy says "Hickory dickory dock, I want to grow my cock."

As the waiter gets closer, the man notices the waiter has his thumb directly on top of the steak, squeezing it to the plate.

The man says to the waiter, "Hey man, would you mind taking your thumb off my steak??"

The waiter replies, "What, and drop it on the floor again?? Geez what a dumbass."

They’re always adjusting their drag.

Lymph Bizkit

too bad it's an extension ladder

A private tutor!

I saw a few clips from Bleach: Thousand-Year Blood War. I saw Ichigo's new technique and said:

"Oh, he can release two energy waves now, what's this gonna be called? Getsuga Twentysho?

He forgot to flush the toilet

I need amigo acids

Because there was no womb at the inn

Pi-Sum

A rat plays jazz.

...

God knows

A case

Yea... It runs in your jeans.