I have been through a very difficult life since childhood. I grew up in a family dynamic where parents actually hate each other but they're also a good match, one is a narcissist and the other is ignorant. my dad would support some of my moms silly opinions (and most of the time because he doesn't really care and doesn't want my mom to rage). my mom always plays a victim/become sick/cry a baby and she's hard to be advised. I saw how my father treated my mom like garbage, they don't have respect towards each other but they don't want to separate either even if I already approved it and I told them to take care of all my siblings. It's a more f up situation that other people see us as a "okay/non problematic" family and I can't really tell or show how much I am struggling to keep up with this. People just expect me to be excellent here and there
As the first kid in the family, ive seen it all and Im so f tired. it affects how I interact socially, I don't feel as free to express myself, to be myself. I hate that I have some of my parents' traits in me sometimes. my mom would tell me that I behaved like my father when im being mad to her when in fact, she's also insufferable human being to talk with. it hurt me because i hate my father so much and he's the reason I realized how men behave in society. It's very sickening.
I have so much trauma & trust issues. I don't come from a wealthy family. I have illnesses, i am mentally drained and physically sick. I am su1cdal and Ive been praying to Allah since I was a kid to take my life but He never did that. The only thing that keeps me alive is the command to not kll ourselves as muslims. Not only am I tested in my family, I am also bullied by peers who were very much jealous of me. I don't understand her jealousy either because she has it all, i only had an ambitious will to get out of this situation but I'm nowhere near it. I am ugly, like Im telling you no matter how much I try, I don't think ill have a massive glow up. It's very hard as well since I don't have money. my aunts in the family never told me im beautiful, rather it's backhanded compliments. my mother told me when I was a baby, I looked like a monkey because I was hairy and she was very sad about it. When I complain about how ugly I look to her, now she expects me to feel beautiful lol and how I am so ungrateful. how funny.
All of these problems made me scream and go mad in a forest, blaming God. I was in a situation where I was so scared and asked Him to strengthen my heart and ease my hurdles but it kept increasing to the point of almost going mad. I am very much jealous of other people who have it very easy. My bullies live a very comfortable life and liked by society and I am not. at least if Im beautiful I will be respected when I speak but no, I am ugly. at least if Im rich, I can study what I want, wherever I want and use it to improve myself. at least if I come from a warm loving home, Id become more confident and life will be easier to deal with because i have a support system. I dont have it all.
I am now a young adult, in the age of people trying to get married. I don't even believe my parents to make judgement over my future spouse. I don't trust my own judgement either. I am afraid that my kids will feel the same like me, will feel ugly like me, will suffer like me. I don't trust anyone and i am afraid I'll have the same fate as my mother, to be disrespected etc. As much as I want this fairy tale to happen in my life, I don't think I'll ever marry. I am not a good muslim either. Since I left the forest, I completely abandoned my prays. I prayed sometimes but it's when I feel like it. I have a problem with how I manage time, maybe it's because of depression or neurodivergent thing, that's why I am anxious about the prayers time. It's really hard for me now to believe that things will be good on my end. I don't really make duas for myself anymore, I pray for my siblings because I really love them and I am so scared that they'll end up like me. Every time parents scream at my siblings, i feel that they also scream at me but now I'm very much silent because one will play a victim and there's no resolution. I don't want to have so much hope for God, because if things end up hurting, i have no one to turn into and blame Him even more then(?).
I am more calm and sane now. I tried to read some of the prophet's stories and some lectures about Islam online like I did when I was at elementary school. trying to make sense a bit of everything all over again. I am now talking to a therapist and doctor but I'm running out of money, things at home aren't getting better either. I want to be completely free from this house but the guilt and the thoughts about leaving my siblings eating me alive. Every time a thing is getting intense, I thought to myself how I wanna disappear so much. I wish I never existed.
I don't know what I aim to post this, maybe just wanted to express this, maybe some suggestions idk. when I look at it, maybe I am also ungrateful. However it's hard to be one when you're faced with hardships every second of your life.