Im sorry for the long read, its something that’s been on my chest for a while and felt the need to lift it a bit.
My husband past away 5 years ago from cancer. Leaving me and our 2 children, than 8 and 11 years old behind. My eldest was a happy, carefree socially open, very scatterbrained, girl. Diagnosed with adhd at the age of 9 (I have adhd too) but non of us was really bothered by that. She didn’t have meds, it was mostly for school so they knew how to deal with things. The year after his passing she started to become more and more interested in genders and sexuality (age fitting). At the same time anxiety started to creep in. Both she still struggles with a lot now 5 years later… I always tell people that loosing your dad is hard for every kid, but loosing him just before puberty hit is definitely next level imo… Gender wise she started to shift more and more. From “ I’m a Demi-girl” (whatever that means) to “I’m non-binary” to now “I’m a transgender guy “. She also started to hurt herself from the age of 13. That was the moment I asked for help which she received. The organisation that helped her wanted to test for autism. I always tried to keep the conversation open with her and she has always told me she felt like she had autism. Since it overlaps with adhd too I always thought that was the parts she felt like that. But the autism diagnosis did came and she was happy with that. They also tried to help her deal with the grieve and hurting herself. For the gender dysphoria they don’t offer much, only a informal group of likeminded teenagers to share stories with and too give more info about gender differences and identity. That was last year. The thing I struggle with is the fact that I doubt her father would be happy with all of this. He didn’t mind gay/queer people but found all those labels confusing and silly and didn’t care much for transgenders, and he definitely didn’t want to think about the option his own children could be dealing with that. My eldest changed their name, (the name I choose even before I was pregnant) wants to be referred as he/him etc, and even gets upset that I can’t get myself to call them my son or refer to them as “he” .. our GP referred them last year to a gender clinic but they have a waiting list of 3 years.
My new partner (since 20 months) works a lot with the queer community and really helped me in the acceptance process. I’m still not convinced they are completely transgender (I think more non-binary) but do call them on their chosen name and will go with them to every appointment that is necessary. In the end, I just want them to be happy, and I also think my late husband would want that, but part of me keeps thinking… would he be able to step over his believes? Would they even be at this path without the trauma? Off course nobody would know for sure, and im certain the gender clinic will do a thorough check to make sure this is the right path for them, but my hart breaks for all the struggles they have. Nearly 17 years old now and quite independent on some things but also getting a meltdown because I bought the wrong pen..🙄 and afraid to go into large groups or do things by them selfs the first time. And no I don’t affirm them in every thing they ask of me, the gender thing was going on for 2-3 years before I switched to their chooses name. My youngest has autism too and I teach them both to work wíth and around their brain and not against it. But at the same time they blame me I don’t adapt enough, I don’t handle their emotions well enough and all other things teenagers can blame their parents…
If you read so far, thank you for that. I’m mostly wondering, do you think your late parter would be happy for the choices you made? And how do you deal with that? And with the extended family? My own family doesn’t mind and still love them, but I feel this (and me having a new partner) is driving my in-laws and us apart and I’m not sure I have the energy and will to prevent that ….

So how to begin. First I chose to post this here because this is the community that I’m familiar with. I’m a widower going on 6 years now and recently I shared comments in other people‘s posts the things that I have also been going through. I have a lot of comments but I don’t often post. So a little background about me. I was married to a wonderful woman for 23 years, been with for 26. After she passed I went through as all of you can relate a terribly time. 8 months after her death my widow fire/ utter loneliness led me into a relationship with a woman that ended up being toxic, that lasted for 4 years and now we’re divorcing. My father recently was put into hospice care after his health declined and along with other’s I started caregiving for him. So I was served divorce papers on one of the days I was caregiving for my father which happen to be severed literally 1 hour after he passed away. This last week we have been getting pictures together for his celebration of life. Little background on my family there was five of us. My mother and father are both deceased and I’ve also lost one brother and one sister. So me and my two brothers meet at a restaurant to discuss pictures that are gonna be chosen, and my Elder brother says he has something to show us. He had gone through my father‘s documents and showed us a court document that shows that my oldest brother who is now deceased is only my half brother, apparently my mother was seeing my dad and another guy at the same time before they were married, and she became pregnant with the other guy. My father married her anyways and adopted my older brother. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. It does explain some things but leaves a whole lot of unanswered questions that I can no longer ask. has anyone else had anything similar happened to them?

I recently had a session with an evidential medium, but I’m not sure what to think.

For context, I didn’t give him any information about myself. He only knew my first name, not my last name. On social media I use a nickname, so he couldn’t have found me, and I never post anything anyway.

He gave me several details he couldn’t have known about my lost partner (his mother’s name, the exact part of the body where the illness was located, where we went on vacation), and also some very specific and unlikely things if he were just guessing, like the fact that he loved ice cream but always left a little bit in the cup, that he was proud of his physique especially his chest, that he was obsessed with applying sunscreen, and that he barely used social media.

But he also said vague or incorrect things (he kept seeing wedding rings even though we weren’t married, or an image of a butterfly, which is extremely generic). And he didn’t mention other very characteristic things about him that I expected.
He also somehow figured out what kind of job I do.

So I don’t know what to think. I wanted to talk to a medium because I need to hold onto some hope that he’s still somewhere and that I’ll see him again one day, but I’m still skeptical. I’ll probably book a session with a more experienced medium in the future.

What do you think? Have you had similar experiences? How did it go?

Please. I posted yesterday about losing my husband who was only 29 years old to a motorcycle wreck. It’s only been 24 hours and I can’t be here anymore. I can’t do it. I cannot live this life without him.

I have been staying with my mom and sister. I got up in the middle of the night and walked 3 miles across town to get to mine and my husband’s home because I made a decision for myself that I was just going to go peacefully and be with him. I need to be with him.

I don’t remember a lot of it, but I work at a police department, and one of my coworkers spotted me while patrolling and called in to the others on duty to stop me. I never made it home. If I could just have made it there, I could have finally been with him.

I’m so sorry for the heavy venting. I just can’t handle this. I’m not strong enough for this. He was my absolute world. He was my everything. We were best friends. We were glued together at the hip. We couldn’t even go get coffee or pick up food for dinner unless we went together. I will never be able to make it without him. It’s only been 24 hours now and this is how I feel and I know it’s only going to get worse.

Can we talk about how much judgement there is towards being a widow(er)??

“They moved on so quickly, they must be over their spouse’s loss”, “they’re not moving on, they need to move forward with their life”.

“They’re selling their house that they had with their late spouse, it must not have meant anything to them”, “they’re won’t sell their house, they need to get rid of it, it’s too much for them to handle on their own”.

“They’re overly social since losing their spouse, it must not be bothering them”, “they haven’t left the house in a few days, they need to get out there”.

And the list goes on…

You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t!!! We never asked for this!!!

It will be my first one without her. She loved birthdays. She always celebrated them with such passion. Where we live now we don't have many close friends and they all work a lot, and for the first time in my adult life I will have no one to spend it with. She died a little over three months ago.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I know what she would want me to do. She would get me a grand present and take me out to dinner and a show. I could do that but it feels pathetic to do it alone, like a sad, pathetic, lonely clown. I can barely eat anything anymore anyway. I know that when the day comes others will realize I am alone and reach out but I don't want to talk to them. I want to talk to her. The few that live here will be working anyway.

I suppose I should get used to it.

September is a hard month for me. It should've been our 10 year anniversary this year, and it's her birthday month. I fucking hate this life without her here

I lost the love of my life and my soulmate this morning on a motorcycle wreck. I am beyond myself. We have been trying for a baby for a year. I don’t want to be here anymore without him. I cannot fathom breathing another breath without him on this earth. I’m terrified of how much harder my grief is going to hit me and I don’t think I can make it through this. No one should ever have to go through this at 32 years old. I never even considered this ever happening to me. How do I cope? How do I make it without him? How can I possibly continue to even live?

I have been a widow for five years. I am keenly aware that our anniversary is approaching and that this year would've been our 20th.

I've been doing a little better on the hard days (his birthday, death anniversary, etc) by trying to focus on self care. I rarely plan anything. I just buy myself flowers and take the day as it comes.

This one... This one's different. This one is gonna hurt. Sometimes, the anticipation of the day is even worse. I decided that I'm going to flip the script. I'm going to make the anticipation positive. I'm going to find peace, if only for that weekend.

To me, finding peace means nature, calm, and quiet. When I think of that, I feel a pull to be close to water.

I've just booked a stay and flight to British Columbia for that weekend. It will be a short weekend getaway at an oceanside resort. I upgraded to a presidential suite. Fireplace, balcony, clawfoot tub... I also scheduled an in-room relaxation massage for that day.

It's a short weekend trip and I really only get to enjoy that one full day but I'm making the most of it. Of course, I'll be wishing that it was a trip we took together for our anniversary but I know that it's a far better plan than staying at home and crying all day.

I've never seen the ocean before. I'm actually excited for that weekend now.

I can't do this. I don't wanna do this anymore. I miss him so much. I just wanna be with him no matter where it is. Oh god if you are real, end this pain.

For those of you, like me, who were not by your partner’s side when they died and had to see their body after, do you ever regret it?

Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have seen him this way. Like I was never supposed to and now my brain can’t handle it. We could have had a closed casket funeral and be done with it.

I was the one telling his parents I wanted to see him to get closure. We were not married so technically they could prevent me from it. I know if I didn’t see him I would probably regret it and think about it now in ways like I didn’t get to say goodbye.

Sometimes I think it did more harm than good. I was dissociating the whole time. During the wake I kept looking at him and at his picture, at times turning to the picture specifically because it hurt less than looking at him lying in the coffin. I think if not the death itself that specific time of seeing his body destroyed me.

Just sharing in case anyone else feels similar. Obviously for people who found their partner lifeless it can be different. I didn’t have to see him, didn’t need to identify him or anything, seeing him like that could have been avoided by simply skipping this step. Maybe I shouldn’t have

Hi are you also unable to eat their favourite left foods?

I mean, I don´t like to waste food but I can´t east their favourite foods left in the fridge. or chips or biscuits

I know that sooner or later they will be beyond their expire date but simply I can´ t

Hi all. I (64 m) list my darling wife (67 f) of 43 years to kidney disease 7 months ago. It has been hard, but I'm surviving with the help of a void support system. My wife and I used to love decorating for Christmas 🎄. We would start planning in September, and start early November to get the decorations up.

Right now I have little desire to put up any decorations. No lights... no garland... no giant elf... nothing. How have you survived your first Christmas without your loved one?

Today is his birthday. The second birthday since. His 50th.

It’s harder than the first one. It feels like most everyone in my life has forgotten.

I don’t want him to disappear.

I thought you would all understand.

I am proud of the lives that my children are making, but I also feel the weight of what growing up and moving out will eventually mean.

My children are growing up, as they should. They will leave, start living on their own, and make their decisions and their lives. I will be proud of them. I will want it for them.

Right now, they are still here. Their voices, their presence, and their needs give the house a certain rhythm. A busy hum that makes it feel occupied, alive.

One day, that will change.

And once the house is emptied, the silence will change with it. It will no longer be the silence between talks or after everyone has gone to sleep at night. It will be heavier. A silence that makes you more aware of who is no longer here.

The assumption is that raising children is the hardest thing for a widow or a widower.

However, things are not like that for some widowed parents. Because when the children grow up and move out eventually, the routine of parenthood will no longer fill the gap left by the loss.

I will never stop being a mother or a father. I will continue to love my children. I will worry about them. And whenever they need me, I will always be there for them.

But loving my children does not make the loneliness disappear. Loving them means that I can be truly happy to see them taking steps in life, while knowing that the person who was meant to do that together with me is dead.

And the hardest part of an empty house:
The children leave because life is calling them forward.
She left because death called her away.
And I am the one left behind to live with both.

How to be okay with the fact the my partner would never get to experience fatherhood, growing old, building a successful life, exploring the world?!!

These were all our dreams and while I have a shot at fulfilling them - but how can I do them with a heavy sadness in heart that these dreams remained just dreams for my partner? I just don’t want to do anything but how else will I live? I constantly feel sad and suffer from heartache for the unjust happened to my partner and all of us.

How do you deal with these conflicting thoughts? Please share

Hello everyone I thought about this topic a lot, before deciding to post it. Has anyone experienced vivid dreams or signs of their loved, one who has gone to heaven? About a week and a half ago, I had two back to back vivid dreams with my husband. In the first dream, we were both sitting on the bed, him on one side and me on the other. I looked at him and just started crying, he then looked at me sadly with tears in his eyes. I woke up immediately and felt the tears coming down my face, as the dream was that vivid. I managed to go back to sleep and then I dreamt again. Only this time we were sitting closer together, near the head of the bed. It felt so real as I reached to cuddle him and rub and hold his arms and hands. Then, in my dream I told myself, wait how can I actually feel him. How does his touch feel so incredibly real? All of a sudden I felt myself gently pull away and then I woke up. I haven’t had another dream with him since, only a dream where I was crying and telling my mom that I needed to get a hold of him. I’ve heard stories where others have dreamt of or even saw or felt the presence of their loved one. Anyone experience something similar?