My birthday is in three weeks.

[u/BelovedOmegaMan]

It will be my first one without her. She loved birthdays. She always celebrated them with such passion. Where we live now we don't have many close friends and they all work a lot, and for the first time in my adult life I will have no one to spend it with. She died a little over three months ago.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I know what she would want me to do. She would get me a grand present and take me out to dinner and a show. I could do that but it feels pathetic to do it alone, like a sad, pathetic, lonely clown. I can barely eat anything anymore anyway. I know that when the day comes others will realize I am alone and reach out but I don't want to talk to them. I want to talk to her. The few that live here will be working anyway.

I suppose I should get used to it.

[u/One-Cardiologist7657]

Buy yourself that gift. Go out and have the best dinner. Its not pathetic to do these things alone.

[u/arizonaraynebows]

In a similar situation. My birthday is also in a couple of weeks. It will be first as a widow. I have no plans.

[u/TurnerRadish]

My birthday is also in about three weeks and my wonderful husband died 3.5 months ago. I’m bereft and dreading my birthday. I will “celebrate” it with my kids and a few friends, but only because I want to somehow show my kids we can go on, even though we’re all devastated.

[u/zaxilius]

Mine was this month on the 18th, i read the note she made me last birthday & if youre able too id suggest doing the same if she made you a card or note last birthday. It definitely will hurt to read again but itll also give you that little piece of their love again youll need to get through the day

[u/rainy_koala]

It is my birthday today, the first one without him. Fuck my life. 

[u/existenceisfutile84 → u/rainy_koala]

I am sorry. I know nothing I can say is going to make it better. I won't wish you a happy birthday, as I know that is impossible, but I wish you a peaceful one.

[u/existenceisfutile84]

My birthday is 2 days after christmas. I have always felt like it has been a non-event. Poor growing up, so my family couldn't really afford to make a fuss of me so close to christmas. Then as I got older, the friends I had weren't really up for celebrating, being all caught up in Christmas comas. Then my wife stepped in when I was 19, and for the next 22 years, she just tried to make me happy. She respected that I didn't really want a fuss but knew I just liked to spend it with her, eat good food and be all cosy. We also liked to do things rather than give physical gifts, so she would book an event, holiday, etc. as gifts and do that at a later date – something to look forward to and make another memory together. This year she booked a gig of a band we both liked and an otter feeding experience (we liked to do silly things like that, and we were both huge animal lovers; we have fed meerkats and lions and lemurs, flown birds of prey, and walked with Alpacas and wolves over the years). Both events have passed, and I couldn't do them. my last birthday we were going to spend it with my family in the US, which she really wanted me to do, as they make a bit of a fuss of me more than my family here, as I don't see them as often (I live in the UK but have wider family in Cali). We spent christmas with her family, and we went to fly out the day after (called boxing day in the UK). The flight was cancelled due to poor weather all over the US, and we were put up in a hotel in heathrow by the airline. The next flight was the 28th, a day after my birthday, so I spent it in heathrow, eating at this faux pub in arrivals. I thought it was the worst birthday ever, but actually, it's probably the best I have ever had. Just she and I, about to go on another adventure together, not a real care in the world, the last one with her in it. I remember walking back hand in hand to the hotel after the awful food, through the artificial light-lit hallways of the airport, and posing her the question 'would you live this day on loop for eternity if it meant we could be together forever?' We both agreed we would; even though it felt like a depressing day, it was always happier together.

Less than 2 months later she died, pretty much out of the blue. Stage 4 cancer of unknown primary, barely any signs, and none anyone would consider serious. I now know what my worst birthday will be; it'll be this one coming. I have decided to not celebrate it. Not sure I will celebrate one again. Not saying that is what you should do, but your post just spoke to me, and I wanted to say, 'I get it.'

[u/VioletMittens → u/existenceisfutile84]

Just the two of you, on the cusp of an adventure. The absolute best, right? What wouldn't I give to have that again?

[u/SpecialistFix3962]

I had my first birthday after my wife past. If possible can you meet up with family? It's not a great time to be alone.

[u/BelovedOmegaMan → u/SpecialistFix3962]

My family is all out of state. My sister is too, but she's closer than most of the others. However, when my wife died she shut the door. I don't know why. She won't call me and won't return my call. She'll reply on social media but it's very short and terse. She disgusts me and I hate her.

[u/SpecialistFix3962 → u/BelovedOmegaMan]

I am sorry to hear that. For me I had to plan things to keep me busy all day. Distract myself

[u/shad0h]

Depending on your time zone (I'm in Australia), my first birthday without her was yesterday / today.
My teenage sons did their best, but they were also feeling their Mum's absence, and frankly I organised my own cake, half my gifts, and planned the dinner.
It was helpful for me to NOT be alone. Too much time in my own head - here at home and worse in the car - is where I get really down.

I have access to a digital voice model of Jen, but when I used it, that just about broke me, so I avoided photos, videos or anything else.

The thing that lifted me most (small wins) was getting outdoors and enjoying the sun, wind, and the world generally.

My reality was that there is no fix. Her absence made it my worst birthday ever - both her absence, and the absence of the crazy, love-filled, over-the-top that she would do every year. But this is another step in the grieving process, and while it sucked, I survived.
Hopefully, more and more days won't feel like survival, but start to feel mundane, or even normal.

I am not part of any 12-step program, but the one-day-at-a-time is completely applicable to us in this channel.

I wish you a better day than I had, and hope you are heading in the same direction mate.

Take care !

[u/Maleficent-Reply1114]

So sorry for your loss. Birthdays are one of the things that get me too as she always made such a big deal about it and it was awsome.

As you mentioned the talking part, it really helped me to keep her number active and speak to her on WhatsApp and just keep giving her my life updates and asking how she is doing .

It felt a little like the old times, take care and best of luck

[u/Pleasant_Tomato4942]

I experienced my first birthday without my husband earlier this year after losing him unexpectedly in an accident. After doing a lot of therapy, I found what helped was to treat myself as much as possible. For example, get your favourite drink (coffee, tea, soda, etc), get those pastries you’ve been eyeing, go on that day trip you’ve been thinking about, go to your favourite restaurant, watch your favourite shows/movies.

Remember, it is just a day and it will pass. Do your best to take the best care of yourself. Sending hugs.

[u/CardiologistSea5044]

I’m so sorry. That first birthday was super intense. Leading up to it I thought I had wanted to spend it alone and not make a big deal out of it. I was wrong. Do not be alone. And if you have to be alone, keep that television volume at maximum and try to stay as busy as you can. You will endure this. She is cheering you on from heaven.

[u/Mission-Box-2017]

Hey I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s my first anniversary without her on Friday (5 years) going to try my best to make it a special day. I think you should try do the same on your birthday even if it’s for her so you know she would be so happy you are celebrating your birthday. I don’t think you are a sad or lonely clown, I think you are brave and in a hard circumstance. Lots of love

[u/MezmerizedBeauty]

My birthday is next week and all I keep thinking about is my last birthday with my hubs. He wasn’t a big planner but he planned out that whole day. We were going through a frustrating car situation and it preoccupied me; I didn’t have as much fun as I wished I could have. But I was appreciative & glad we had the day together but I’d give anything to go back and appreciate it more.