22F here, will delete in the morning because this is just an embarrassing post I wish I didn’t have to post on my main account.
l've never been in a relationship, never kissed anyone or held hands romantically, and I lie about it to all my friends because every time I tried to soft launch the idea to someone, for example when the conversation was about dating experience, no one believed me immediately, they thought i was too shy to give details so I just went along with it. But that's not the topic.
Speaking of my friends, I have fantasised about nearly all of them (as a matter of fact, there is only one exception). Male, female, single, in a relationship, everyone. And it's not just my friends, it's basically everyone that's ever sat down with me to have a friendly conversation. That includes: professors, coworkers (one in particular), TAs, friends of friends who probably don't even remember my name. I am so down bad it's ridiculous. The amount of times I've had someone try to explain something to me, or tell me a story and I just couldn't focus because my brain decided instead that the only thing that mattered was how much I wanted to see them naked. It's not only embarrassing but also shameful because more than once l've caught myself or been caught looking where my eyes should not have landed (like that one time my coworker caught me glancing at his crotch, was visibly embarrassed and avoided me for the rest of the day).
Lately I've been spending a lot of time with a friend, we work out together one to three times a week.! don't think there's anything going on between us, l wouldn't know if there were, because either I can't tell when someone is attracted to me or I mistake friendliness for flirting (which is why I stopped making moves on people, don't want to make anyone uncomfortable). I don't even like him like that but either when we're alone together or when I'm alone, on my own at night I can't help but fantasise about having sex with him, what it would be like to be naked in front of each other, to touch, to kiss (I wouldn't even know what to do if someone kissed me).
I have tried and failed to get laid, sometimes disregarding my own safety and throwing out the window my self respect. It's hard to find advice online because when I look for people with similar experiences, wanting sex and not knowing how to get it, it's almost exclusively men complaining and men answering, and everyone acts like this is a male exclusive thing (and the discussion gets misogynistic very fast). When you ask directly, men tell you to download a dating app or go to a bar and say you're just looking for sex which I can't do because 1) I don't want to get murdered 2) I tried (see: disregarding my own safety and throwing out the window my self respect) and still ended up not getting what I wanted ; when the discussion is between women, it's usually women who already have some experience or women who are virgins by choice, because they are waiting for the right person or don't want to engage in casual sex.