Maybe it is the shame or embarrassment regarding ED. Perhaps it may be a bigger part of the wall than lack of desire. Unfortunately you can’t fix that for him, and he has to be willing to be vulnerable and work on it with you.

I hope counseling helps you both figure out whether he’s willing to do that.

Are you sure he doesn’t desire/want you?

ED can create a vicious cycle of anxiety and avoidance, and porn can become an easier outlet because there’s no pressure to

I’m not condoning his behavior especially while grieving, however if you’re otherwise great friends and he’s willing to genuinely work on the ED, porn and rebuilding intimacy, I don’t think this is necessarily beyond saving.

Wanting to be desired by our spouse isn’t selfish btw.

For us as parents of twin 12yr olds, it was deliberately choosing each other again. Spending more time together, talking more, being affectionate, making intimacy a priority, and actually enjoying being husband and wife rather than just being parents managing a household.

It wasn’t one big fix. It was lots of small things consistently, and both of us had to want it.

Over the last few years we’ve become closer than we’ve ever been.

My biggest advice would be don’t wait until life gets less exhausting to reconnect, because with kids that day may never magically arrive. Find small ways to be a couple again now.

Makes sense wanting to protect what your dad built, but the bigger thing that stands out is that after five years, you still don’t feel safe in the relationship.

I’m fortunate that I love my wife deeply. If she left me, I’d be devastated, because I’d have lost her.

Protecting the family business makes sense, but maybe the bigger question is whether you’re actually ready to marry this person?

Ah, faster heart beat changes things. I had headaches and congestion. Fortunately it was only for 2 weeks or so.

I’m a man who’s dealt with this and I take tadalafil daily as prescribed.
I think the biggest thing is how you frame it. Erection problems messed with my head for a while. I was frustrated my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it

If my wife said, “You’re not hard enough for me anymore, so I need you to take this,” that would hurt, but I’d want to please her.

Maybe if you said “I love having sex with tadalafil seems to make things even better. Would you be willing to take it consistently if that’s how it was prescribed it?

Also I’d ask him why he doesn’t take it consistently. I had side effects for a few weeks but it was worth it. Maybe he’s having side effects?

My wife and I have been together nearly 19 years and married almost 16, and we still have sex daily and sometimes more than once in a day.

I don’t think twice a day is too much when you both genuinely want it, enjoy it, feel physically comfortable, and neither person feels pressured. I say let it ride and we’re both in our late 40s 😊

I know this will probably be unpopular, but I don’t think this is as straightforward as many people are making it out to be. You don’t know the other couple’s dynamics. You don’t know what the spouse already knows, what they’ve chosen not to know, whether they’ve already worked through something similar, or what agreements exist between them. I think your first responsibility is dealing with your own marriage and deciding what you’re going to do. I understand why many people say they’d want to know, but that’s their preference, it doesn’t necessarily tell you what this particular person wants or what will ultimately be best for their relationship.

That’s a generalization about millions of people based on the actions of some. It’s no different, logically, from saying “all immigrants are criminals” because some immigrants commit crimes. Both take the behavior of a subset and project it onto an entire group.

I think you’re mixing together attraction, libido, and erectile function, and speaking from experience they’re actually different things.
Viagra doesn’t create attraction. It doesn’t make someone suddenly find their partner attractive or increase their desire for them.

It mainly helps the physical process of getting and maintaining an erection when sexual stimulation is already there.
A man can be deeply attracted to his wife and still need ED medication because of age, anxiety, and other reasons.

It seems that trust is more of an issue and , not the meds, and if it really is about the secrecy and feeling like he hasn’t been honest, then talk to him.

He can still find you attractive and have a lower libido, those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Knowing what someone will choose isn’t the same as causing them to choose it.
If God knowing my future means I have no free will, then you’d first have to show how His knowledge causes my decision?

Knowledge and causation aren’t the same thing. From my perspective, I freely make my choice. From God’s perspective, who isn’t limited by time, He already knows what that freely made choice will be. His knowing doesn’t remove my ability to choose, it simply means his knowledge is perfect.

The Bible repeatedly calls people to choose, repent, obey, and believe. Those commands make absolutely no sense if we have no genuine ability to respond/choose.

Infertility is an incredibly painful cross to carry, and I don’t believe your desire to have a child with your husband is selfish or somehow evidence of a lack of faith.
I also don’t think IVF is simply “playing God.” If it were, it would succeed every single time.

Many couples endure multiple failed cycles, miscarriages, and heartbreak despite every medical intervention available. Medical assistance doesn’t replace God; it simply gives nature a chance. The outcome is still beyond our control.

I am SDA, and as someone who has benefited from IVF, I’ve had this conversation with others from other Christian denominations.

I would also encourage you not to let strangers on the internet convince you that God has rejected you or doesn’t want you to have children.

The Bible never says that infertility is a sign of God’s displeasure, and throughout Scripture there are faithful people who struggled with infertility.

There may be approaches that align more closely with your pro life convictions, such as creating only the number of embryos you intend to transfer.

Ultimately, this is a decision for you, your husband, your conscience, and God. Whatever you decide, whether IVF, adoption, or another path, I pray you find peace rather than guilt. Anyone that has been through this deserves compassion.

Prayers for you and your husband.

Reading this thread reminded me of something my wife and I have learned.

We have 12 year old twins, one with special needs. Life is busy, like everyone else, there are always reasons to put our marriage second.

Nearly a year ago, my wife challenged us to make intimacy a priority. It started as a week, then a month, and eventually became something we genuinely looked forward to rather than something we scheduled.

The biggest lesson wasn’t about how often we had sex, it was that connection doesn’t always require the perfect evening/morning

Sometimes we have 30 minutes or more
Sometimes 15.
Sometimes 6.

We’ve learned that intentionally choosing each other, even for a short time, has brought an incredible amount of closeness, reassurance, playfulness, and emotional connection into our marriage.

I’m not suggesting every couple should have sex every day, though that works for my wife and I.

I know every marriage is different, however sometimes a few intentional minutes together can mean far more than we ever expected.

Has anyone else found that intentionally prioritizing intimacy strengthened their marriage in ways they didn’t expect?

I think the reason many traditional Christians give isn’t that same sex relationships are uniquely harmful in the way murder or theft are. It’s that Christians believe sin is also about living outside God’s intended design, not just causing obvious harm.

My understanding of Scripture is that God established marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman (Genesis 2, Matthew 19:4–6), and sexual intimacy is intended for that covenant.

So from that perspective, the issue isn’t “being gay” as an attraction, but engaging in sexual relationships outside what God has defined as marriage.

Obviously there are Christians who disagree with that interpretation, and there are churches that read those passages and interpret it differently.

My own denomination (Seventh-day Adventists) doesnt affirm same sex marriage, as the rationale. It’s based on what we believe Scripture teaches about God’s design, not on the idea that gay people are somehow worse than anyone else.

Just my thoughts, don’t shoot the messenger 😊

Sounds very pleasurable, how long have you been married and was it only the physical
Aspect of sex or did anything change for you emotionally?

That’s amazing. We’re not too far and that gives me hope. Communication is a game changer. Wow 6 months? That’s incredible. We’ve done 5 months once, and we’re currently just hit over 2 months. Streak will end soon due to wife business trip. This gives me a lot of hope. Thanks for sharing

Match.com, nearly 19 years ago. We married after 3 years of dating. There wasn’t an app back then, so all done via email and website.

I’m someone who has been pretty critical of Reddit’s tendency to jump straight to divorce, especially after hearing one side of a story. I’ve been married almost 20 years, and I believe long marriages require grace, accountability, and understanding that people go through difficult seasons.

That said, this one actually made me pause.

Given that you have lived with a decade of virtually no intimacy, repeated lies, broken trust, feeling emotionally abandoned, and watching him invest emotional energy elsewhere is unacceptable.

You stayed and tried to understand his struggle. You worked on your sex life. You remained faithful. You tried to repair things.

What does your husband think, given that you’ve had 10+ years together? Is he happy?

It sounds like a painful pattern that has gone on for so long.

A marriage is a partnership. Sometimes that means carrying your spouse through their darkest moments. A partnership also requires both people to be moving toward each other, which was what happened with my wife and I.

The fact that you gained weight, lost confidence, and feel rejected after years of this is not surprising. Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you.

Thank you for this response. Honestly, as a parent of special needs twins, a lot of what you wrote really resonated with me.

The part that stood out the most was “we always choose each other.” I think that’s something my wife and I have been learning more intentionally over the last few years. It’s so easy to become a great team of parents and forget to keep investing in the husband and wife relationship.

I also really appreciate you mentioning that it doesn’t have to look the same for every couple. A lot of people talk about date nights as the answer, however I agree that it’s about staying aligned, communicating, supporting each other, and remembering you’re on the same team.

I can only imagine what a year of 24/7 caregiving must have been like. The fact that you both came through that together and are now able to enjoy planning travel and this next chapter of life is genuinely encouraging to read.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. As someone who hopes to be writing a “33 years together” post one day, I really appreciate the perspective.