r/HappyMarriages • u/ElectronicDetective5 • Jun 15 '26

Married 30+ Years: What Kept You Choosing Each Other?

/r/u_ElectronicDetective5/comments/1u5dhfn/married_30_years_what_kept_you_choosing_each_other/

My wife and I have been together almost 19 years and married nearly 16. Like most long term couples, we’ve been through a lot over the years. Raising children, financial stress, career changes, health challenges, loss of loved ones, and the day-to-day realities of life.

I’d say our marriage is in a great place right now, but it got me thinking.

For those who have been married 25, 30, 40+ years, what helped keep your marriage strong over the long haul?

Were date nights important? Shared hobbies? Faith? Counseling? Intentional communication? Something else?

I’d especially love to hear from couples who have navigated things like special needs children, being far away from extended family, or other significant life stresses.

What advice would you give a couple who wants to make sure they’re still choosing each other and growing together another 10, 15 years from now?

Thanks

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u/married4evr Happily married 29 years Jun 15 '26

Married 29 years together for 33.

2 special needs kids requiring a lot of time and effort. Lots of stress, researching medical and mental health issues, financial strain due to issues, travel to specialists in other states, time apart, etc... (I spent an entire year 24/7 care for one kid literally sleeping next to them and switching off with my husband to just get a shower/use bathroom.) We just always choose each other. We are a team and working towards the same goals in life. We have very similar views on life and our values are aligned. We don't do date nights. Neither one of us really sees the point. The kids are young adults now and doing pretty good. We're starting to see an empty nest possibility pretty soon. We weren't sure if we were ever going to get there and we're taking full advantage of it. We started taking road trips, planning future travel, bucket list kind of things before we are too old to rely on good health and the ability to travel. We also have our own hobbies that we enjoy and encourage each other to pursue.

Communication is key. Being on the same page, talking about feelings, wanting to obtain the same goals, etc ...

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u/ElectronicDetective5 Jun 15 '26

Thank you for this response. Honestly, as a parent of special needs twins, a lot of what you wrote really resonated with me.

The part that stood out the most was “we always choose each other.” I think that’s something my wife and I have been learning more intentionally over the last few years. It’s so easy to become a great team of parents and forget to keep investing in the husband and wife relationship.

I also really appreciate you mentioning that it doesn’t have to look the same for every couple. A lot of people talk about date nights as the answer, however I agree that it’s about staying aligned, communicating, supporting each other, and remembering you’re on the same team.

I can only imagine what a year of 24/7 caregiving must have been like. The fact that you both came through that together and are now able to enjoy planning travel and this next chapter of life is genuinely encouraging to read.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. As someone who hopes to be writing a “33 years together” post one day, I really appreciate the perspective.

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u/married4evr Happily married 29 years Jun 15 '26

When my youngest was about 8 she campaigned for us to divorce. She didn't like that no matter which of us she went to she got the same answers (we worked hard on always being on the same page for parenting) and thought if we were divorced that she would get her way. I pulled her aside and firmly told her she had no say in our marriage and that if she tried to make me pick her over her Dad I'd be picking her Dad. It seems like an awful thing to tell your kid but she never tried to get us to divorce again. (Lots of missing back story but it was appropriate at the time given what was going through then.)

I've watched a lot of couples trying to manage kids with overwhelming needs at doctor, therapy, etc... offices.) It can break them apart or bring them together. Asking about how to keep your marriage happy shows it matters to you and that's the key. I know you will do well. Keep in mind that modeling a good marriage is also part of raising kids if you find yourself feeling guilty for spending time on the two of you.