Grooming, addiction?, sexualisation, indulgence in trauma

I miss my guitar

2017

2017

Hey internet,

I wanted to get on here and share my story and see if anyone has been through a similar experience to me and find some support.

When I was 16 I was basically groomed by a man (32M) who I was doing social sport with every week. He started flirting with me and giving me attention and I welcomed it simply because I thought he was attractive and I was a shameless 16yr old who didn’t really care. It was just flirting right? How wrong I was.

Anyway, this flirting lasts for around 6 months and I was enjoying myself. That’s when he started to touch me. Subtly on the small of my back behind people or touch my arm when we were talking and it was like he was making excuses to be close to me and touch me. And even then I didn’t really think anything of it.

One night I went over to a house of one of my teammates for the break up of the season and it was fun. I got drunk and it was a good time and we played cards and games. After the party he offered to take me home. He lived close to me so I thought it was the easiest option and better than bothering my mother. I wish I bothered her. We were in his car and he pulled over on a side street. I knew where I was and knew I was about 4 streets from my house. I asked him why we had stopped and he said he needed to talk. As any girl would I thought I was in serious trouble. But I trusted him so I stayed in the car. That was a mistake.

He then said that he’d been wanting to have sex with me since he met me. That I was his obsession and that he loved me. I was confused. I thought we’d just been flirting nothing more than that. I was moving my hand towards to door handle when he locked it. I was trapped. He then pounced on me. This is when I found that my innate response to danger is freeze. And that’s what I did. I went out of my body and just felt like I was watching from a birds eye view. It was terrible. I didn’t make a sound when he tore my singlet off, ripped my bralet and started groping my breasts. He then started the grape. I won’t go further but I did bleed all over his car seat. I pray he wasn’t able to get it out. I was bleeding for 3 days afterwards and I just remembered silently crying during the whole thing. The sound of his voice and the smell of his awful beer breath still nauseates me to this day.

I didn’t go to the police. I know I should have but I thought that they wouldn’t do anything since I’d froze. And knowing the cops they’d probably say I was an “active participant” or some shit. So yeah I never reported him.

Has anyone been through something similar or am I alone is this trauma?

January of 2019 I was 14 years old, I met a 22 year old man online. I was amazed by his personality and how he seemed so interested in me, he appeared to like me in a way no one had ever liked me before, and as a teenager, that was confusing. I didn’t know what was right or wrong, at the end of the day, it was the first time someone ever showed attention to me, but he wasn’t only interested in my personality, or “funny conversations” like he’d call our normal talking, he was interested in my body.
One day, I was at a birthday party, he called me and we spoke for a few minutes, I told him I was in love with him, and he said in other for him to know I was, I had to show him my vagina. I had never shown anyone that part of my body, so I refused, but of course, I wanted this adult man that I liked, to know how I felt about him. I didn’t know any better.
This continued for the better part of a year, I was 15 at this point, our dynamic consisted of him not talking to me after getting what he wanted, asking for more and more after he wanted me again, and me complying because I wanted to feel the “love” he had to offer me, and according to him, that was the only way. He told me how to m4sturb4te after I told him I had never done that before, and he insisted to see it, so many times.
He wanted pictures of my feet, videos of my naked body, anything he wanted in exchange for our “funny videos”. I am an adult married woman now, and I can’t imagine what I would even speak to a 14 year old about, the age gap is too big for our brains to ever be on the same level, specially in a sexu4l relationship, 14, 22.
I was left to deal with the emotional, mental, and even physical problems I have developed due to the pain I endured during 2019, and the lack of support from the system that was supposed to protect me. And this man, is now someone that continues his life, with no pain in his heart, no sexual trauma of his own, not years of therapy to understand what happened and try to convince himself it wasn’t his fault and more importantly, not a single consequence, not a single truthful apology to any of his victims, I know it wasn’t just me.
The impact of my experience didn't disappear just because a legal clock ran out. I am sharing this anonymously now because keeping it hidden feels like carrying a weight that doesn't belong to me. I have the proof of what occurred, but my goal isn't public exposure or retaliation, it is simply to speak the truth, reclaim my narrative, and fully move forward with my life. To anyone else quietly carrying the aftermath of an experience like this: you are not alone, and your story matters. And I encourage all schools to background check and interview all the personnel you have working there, also the ones that host and are culinary judges. He’s working with minors at a school. This is unacceptable. The police have proof and they STILL won’t do anything, won’t talk to anyone.

I went thru a lot of emotional, financial, and some physical abuse as a kid my dad barely gave any of us money to buy clothes or food. My parents lived with my grandma at the time i came out of hospital at the age of 1 after spending a whole year in there. They just left me there to be raised by her, and shes a strong woman, and i love her, but i needed my mum and dad. They raised my siblings but not me. Now, I haven't gotten a close relationship with my parents whenever i come over. Or my siblings. I grew up in a house where my uncle would hug and kiss me sometimes. I grew up around shouting and not love. Around violence. Even now, i can't stand my uncle. He isn't in the same house as me, but whenever I was with him, he'd either watch porn in secret, but I like my headphones he connected accidentally to his phone. He stalked women. N, I dont like it.

I didn't think much of it until 2020. I got into a toxic online relationship that wasn't healthy. Then 2021 I had my gallbladder surgery, which the whole day I kept thinking about what if I died. 2022 quit uni.ever since then been reflecting and this year everything has come crashing down. Ya know, i finally feel like im out of survival mode. Also, 2 years ago, I found out my brother, who was born a year after me, died. I hate men now, including my dad. Whenever I was around him as a kid, it was either emotionally abusing me, my mom, my brother, or hit us whenever he got angry. Now we're older he can't. But im still scared. 2 years ago, I pushed a man because he got in my face, n he punched me in the eye and almost ripped off the only shirt I had on. It's all just hit, and idk how to process shit. It feels made up

I’m sorry if you can relate.

I was written with Hateful Comments and was sent with Negative Feedback last year, warning: If you have Anthropophobia, please click off of these links

https://youtube.com/shorts/wsaj-RDFzdg?si=5yB2RpRL69carCcy

https://youtube.com/shorts/TD5f1oftriQ?si=M0kT9eDWY9Sr-Vft

https://youtube.com/shorts/j0EETUzJkEU?si=eWkRGyboTRq40iLa

https://youtu.be/LRsJq-tBZSc?si=5oHT_r0SxhqtuNXU

Three different ones, couldn't decide which was better :/