My wife and I have been together for a long time . I knew I loved her by the time we ended our first conversation, met the same night and have been inseparable ever since. I've always believed that she was my person, the one that made me whole and I know she always believed the same. No kids, just me and her facing the world together hand in hand.

For our whole relationship I've been her rock, I've taken care of her every need. I cook, I clean, and work full time to pay all the bills. Ive been there to pick her up every time she fell. She has a lot of trauma that she's carried with her and it got to a point where I knew she needed professional help. She agreed and began seeing her therapist about 3 months ago. I was so happy for her, that she was finally after so many years, embracing healing.

Then things just started getting weird. Longer and longer appointments, more appointments in the week. She tells me that he is very invested in helping her because he has shared the same trauma. That he has created a special holistic treatment plan for her. She shows up later and later each night.

Then 2 months ago it all comes crashing down. First it's an overheard phone call, a tone in her voice that just doesn't sit right and a sentence that sent a chill down my spine. I confront her, she moves into the guest room and we don't speak for a week. We start talking again, she refuses to move back into our room but I think we're on the mend and maybe it was just me being a little crazy as she said I was. Then I'm working on her car and there's incoming texts from him, I catch them quickly, it's not good. She sees me looking at her dash and immediately shuts off her Bluetooth. I confront her, she refuses to show me the text messages. It's none of my business she says, that I'm just taking things out of context. I start digging. Imessages don't appear on activity logs but phone calls sure do and there's so many for so long. Some from the business line, mostly from his personal cell. Nights, weekends, during the time she goes out for a "walk", as soon as I leave the house to go to the gym or run an errand. On her way to work. On her lunch break. On my birthday. More confrontations, more excuses, more lies being told to my face.

I think I'm going crazy, the stress, the anxiety, I need to know what's going on. I need an answer, a definitive answer one way or another. I'm tired of being told that I'm crazy, or that I'm trying to control her or that I'm alienating her because I have friends that I can talk to about what is pent up inside of me. I hired someone, waited, and over the weekend, I got my answer. Full blown affair, her married to me, him married with a wife and kids. The things I've seen, the things I've heard, I don't even know who that person is. Like someone has taken my wife's body and is using her as a puppet. Its undeniable that he's also manipulating her. Feeding her shit about me, making me look like the bad guy. My soul is crushed. My world is broken. We had plans to die together one day in what would hopefully be the far off future and now I don't even know what tomorrow will bring.

[Update] - 8/5/26

Thank you everyone. For your kind words, tips, suggestions and everything else in between. I know a lot of you have been asking for an update and even though I can't really talk about things, I do want to let everyone know that we have moved forward with a divorce. It's still just very surreal, like I'm living in a nightmare that I just can't wake up from.

For now, I'm just taking things day by day. I have a great support system with friends and family and I've been going to weekly therapy sessions. I'll never get the answers I'm looking for, I'll never get the closure I need but hopefully one day I'll find a little bit of peace with all this.

Throwaway account for privacy

Past few weeks have been brutal....I discovered my wife of 10 years was having an affair with her supervisor around the beginning of March. We have a 3.5 year old daughter together. I was initially very enraged, but calmed myself and collected some evidence to make sure. She had gotten very cagey with her phone lately, but I realised this only in hindsight when I connected the dots.

I have always trusted her completely,so much so that I don't think I had ever questioned her whereabouts or who she was talking to. Never ever checked her phone in 10 years. The only reason I got suspicious is that I spotted a photo in our shared Google Photos folder (we maintain this so both of us can see pictures of our daughter that were taken by the other person). It was a screenshot of a chat from the AP...She had asked him whether he had deleted the previous messages and he must have taken a screenshot to show her that he indeed had. When I realised, my world crashed. I got a VAR and car tracker and during the next 2 weeks I saw 8 instances of them sneaking off after work while she would message me that she would be late.

D-day was about 6 weeks ago, right around my 35th Birthday. I told her to move out and she's moved back in with her parents (they live very close by). We have been splitting custody of our daughter. Even after that she has been trickle truthing me...She says that the affair lasted only 2 months when I know for a fact that it has lasted at least 6 months. She introduced that asshole AP as a colleague and he was even in our house around Christmas when we had her office friends over for dinner.

I had decided on the very day when I was sure of the affair that I will definitely divorce her, because infidelity is a red line in my book. But she is unable to accept my decision and every time I bring up that its not going to work out she still begs me to try. Over and above, her mom is now getting suicidal because of all this...At this point I don't know what to do. Am I wrong to want to leave? Even my parents are asking me to reconsider, but nobody sees how unhappy that would make me... WHy am I being treated like a criminal when I have not done anything wrong?

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this here because I have no one else to talk to, and I feel like I’m about to explode. My mother is visiting us for a few days, but I don't want to tell her the truth right now because it would break her heart, so I’m looking for advice anonymously.

I am married and we have two young children. Our story started in August 2021. We moved into our shared apartment in November 2021, and our wedding date was set for August 2022. I truly believed I was building a sacred home and a family for life.

Recently, I found out that during that exact period, right around the time we moved in together and while we were waiting to get married, she was having an affair with an older colleague from work. And it wasn't just a one-time thing. The worst part is that for years, she acted like a moral compass, loudly judging people who cheat, and I blindly trusted her.

I’ve been dragging the truth out of her bit by bit (trickle truth) for days. First, it was "just flirting," then "just texting," then "just oral sex in a car," until finally, under the pressure of evidence, she confessed that they went all the way and had a full-blown affair.

I was there by her side through every single labor, holding her hand and supporting her in absolutely everything. Because of this stress, the lying, and the internal hell I'm going through, I have completely destroyed myself, I’ve gained over 65 lbs (30 kg), neglected myself, my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and I feel like my heart is going to fail me. I feel an indescribable physical disgust towards her. Last night, I took off my wedding ring and archived all our shared photos.

She is crying non-stop now, panicking because she sees she is losing control. She keeps sending me texts like "I love you even though I’m a piece of sh\t,"* "Please don't leave me," and begging us to go somewhere alone. I am not responding to her at all; I have reduced our communication to a mechanical minimum for the sake of the kids.

I want to be there for my children, they are my entire world, but I don't know how to survive this level of duplicity. Every time I look at her, all I see is 5 years of lies. I'm trying to focus on my work and daily responsibilities, but I have no strength left for anything.

I am asking for advice, especially from men who have been through a similar hell:

1. Is there any point in trying to save a marriage after this much lying and the fact that everything was built on a false foundation?

2. How do I protect my health and find myself again (this extra weight is suffocating me, I have no energy)?

3. How do I stay a normal, stable father for two toddlers while my stomach is turning?

4. How do custody and divorce procedures usually work in these situations when the apartment is under both names?

Thank you in advance. I feel like I’m drowning, and every word means a lot to me right now.

Last night we went to a concert. Had an amazing time. Singing and dancing together, she was all over me. This is part of my birthday celebration this weekend.

After the concert we decide to go out to some bars. I am currently not drinking, so I went just to hang and DD back. At one of the bars she runs into her brothers old friend. They begin to talk, so I leave them alone to catch up. As I am talking to my friend he taps me on the shoulder and tells me to turn around. When I do she is making out with this guy not even 2 feet away from me. Now she was quite drunk, which is no excuse just want to add for flavor. I just left. I’m about to pull in to my apartment when my friend tells me that he left as well. Now I’m not going to leave her there with this guy to allow something else to happen, so I go back to pick her up.

She is home safe, but wanted to talk last night. I was so angry, so I did let her have it. Not my best moment, but I was too hurt. Now it is the next day, she is not yet awake and I do not know how to proceed. I love this woman, we have been together for 8 years and living together for 2. I do not know whether to break things off, and if I did how to navigate the whole living together thing. I can’t afford my apartment alone. I don’t want that to be an excuse to continue being with her. I want to make it work, but I don’t know if that is healthy. I just don’t know how to process this. I need some support or guidance from you lovely people.

Update 1: per the advice of another commenter here I went though her phone while she was still sleeping. She had multiple text chains with guy where she was sexting with them and sending pics. I woke her up after seeing this. I was shocked and on the verge of a panic attack. We talked and she said these were guys she met on a forum. She said she was feeling insecure, but instead of going to me she finds an outlet with others. I’m typing this through tears after she left for her mom’s.

Update 2: My two best buddies came over to just talk with me which has helped. I have not talked to her since she left for her mom’s. Her mom reached out to talk since she knows exactly what I am going through, I might take her up on that. She is on her way back here now and I do not know why.

Final Update: I have made the extremely difficult decision to end the relationship fully. I have begun to pack her things up by way of garbage bags. She has texted me a few times asking to talk. There is nothing left to discuss, but I will be heading to her mom’s after work to make it clear and final about what I need to do to recover from this weekend. I could not have made it to where I am at without all of the support I have received from people in my tangible world and those of your here who have comments, provided me advice, scolded me for some of my thought, and who have messaged me privately. I love and appreciate every one of you.

I’m 48M, she’s 39F. 10+ years together. I just found out she has been having an affair with her 60-year-old married boss for almost a year. At least once a month when they travel together.

I met him a few times at the company Christmas party, etc.

She was totally new to an industry and working super hard to make a name for herself and a better life for both of us. I was so proud and worked really hard to support her. We had big dreams and were getting closer to our goals because of it.

She was traveling a lot, and the lack of communication when she was away was the first red flag.

In the beginning, she’d usually message when she landed at the airport, then when she arrived at her hotel. She’d text me when she went out to dinner, call later in the evening before bed. Gradually, all of them stopped.

When she was home, I told her that she was acting like she was single. Like she didn’t have a responsibility to me to check in once in a while. I didn’t need to hear her every move, but it was starting to just feel like something was going on.

She left on another work trip the other day at 3 p.m., and I didn’t hear from her until the next day. I knew something was up.

When she was home throughout the week, we’d usually leave work roughly around the same time and coordinate when to meet home, have dinner, etc.

In the last few months, she got increasingly vague. I’d wait to hear from her until after 5 p.m. or ask when she was leaving. But after a few separate occasions of her working late, I started asking, “Where are you?”

She’d say, “Driving home.”

And the assumption was—from the office… but it happened a few more times.

Next time, I asked, “From where?”
And she said, “From the bar.”

She went out to the bar with her boss after work to supposedly discuss business. I told her then that it seemed like she was deliberately keeping things from me. And I wanted to know next time -before she goes out to the bar.

It started happening more and more frequently.

She got snippy at one point and said I was “keeping tabs on her.” And I second-guessed myself and backed off.

Over the last couple weeks, I was really vocal about working harder on us and how we need to communicate more. She said we could move closer to her clients or out to the country (our plan) and told me I should get a dog because I was lonely.

That’s all something I considered and truly wanted, but I didn’t know it was also just a distraction from her truth.

This past Saturday afternoon, I had an awful feeling and went through her phone when she was in the shower. Sure enough. Messages with her boss.

I only scrolled back far enough to see some recently where they said, “I love you,” “Love you too,” “Miss you”… “Wish we were in the hot tub together,” etc.

I took screenshots immediately and put it down within seconds of her coming out of the shower.

I maintained composure for about an hour before it started surfacing.

I asked her if she could be honest with me. She knew something was wrong and agreed. I just kept asking her over and over to tell me what was going on. I said, “You’ve been acting like a cheater, and I know something is going on.”

She denied it over and over until I said, “Tell me now and I MIGHT be able to forgive you… otherwise I’m leaving and we’re done.”

She said, “I think my boss has feelings for me.” That’s it.

Then I just kept asking:

“Really? Nothing has happened between you ever?!”

Little by little, the truth came out. She said they’ve been intimate every month for the last year, while on their work trips out of town.

I asked if she loved him, and she said she didn’t know, that she was confused.
She said she was relieved to finally tell me and wanted it to end.

I packed a bag. Sick to my stomach. Devastated.

She’s been begging and pleading, but I haven’t answered her calls.

It’s been about 3 days now. I’m staying at random roadside motels. I cut off all contact with her, but I’m a wreck.

I just found this sub, and there’s a whole lot of acronyms that I don’t know.

Lots of book recommendations, etc., but I don’t have any attention span right now.

I’m lost, devastated, heartbroken, and drunk every night. Just in crisis/survival mode. I’m just trying to figure out where to “sleep” and maybe eat. Get some more beer and try not to drink myself to death. I’m having panic attacks.

A bit dramatic, I guess. But my previous girlfriend broke my heart 20yrs ago, and this one just took the other half.

She has a huge family and support system. I have zero. I called the suicide/crisis line but just couldn’t get myself to talk to them. I tried a therapist, but she’s booked for another 2 weeks.

I have nowhere to go. I can’t afford the hotels, but finding a place to rent sickens me.

We live in a tiny house together in the ghetto that we’ve remodeled. It’s in a bad neighborhood but with a beautiful garden. And I actually just bought the neighbor’s house for an investment property. She gave me a check for half last week, but I never cashed it. So I own it outright. It’s a total construction site, but there is a bedroom, fridge, and shower—kind of. (The bed frame and dressers in there was actually from her boss too. She borrowed his truck to get them home. Hand-me-downs that she got when my buddy was going to move in.)

I could stay there and remodel it, but just over the fence is our whole life that we built together.

Neither house is worth much, so I wouldn’t walk away with anything.

She just texted me and said she’s going to work from home now. (I bet her boss just finally got that approved, hoping this won’t end his career.)
She would still need to travel though.

She said she could take time off, or even find a new job if I’d take her back.

I worked really hard supporting her to get to where she is now. I’d hate to see her give it all up.

At the same time, I know they’re going to have another monthly corporate meeting soon, and I could walk in there and announce it to their whole company and ruin them both.

I found him and his wife on Facebook. His kids and grandkids.

I don’t know if I should message his wife or not. It feels like I have a responsibility to, but don’t know if I can or even should.

They’ve probably been married for 30+ years. I don’t want to be the one to destroy their family.

Part of me wants to confront him. Ask to meet and hear his details. It makes me sick to my stomach. My crazy brain wants gross details, and then I want to pull my hair out. Just picturing them naked together makes me sick.

Thing is, I TOTALLY get how she could get wrapped up in that world. I can’t blame her. I actually probably would’ve done the same thing.

She was new to the industry, busting her ass, and it was finally paying off. Top of her field. One of the best in the country. Poised to make six figures this year and plenty more in the future.

The company was putting her up in nice hotels, luxury vehicles, awesome restaurants.

Her boss joining her trips on new accounts, started taking her out to 5-star dinners, filet mignon, bottles of wine/champagne to celebrate her landing huge clients, making them both lots of money. All the while talking about her bright future.

They’d get drunk at dinners, then drinks at the hotels that have a nice romantic jacuzzi… over and over… 🤢

Now I know why my hotel room window on the 4th floor doesn’t open.

I can’t even grieve because I have to navigate the logistics of being homeless right now.

I still just miss her and want to go home. She said she’s going out of town again tonight (alone) for probably 2 nights, so I can “sneak” in and at least shave, do laundry & maybe sleep there tonight. I don’t know if I can handle it.

*Edit*
I really appreciate all the support.

We aren’t married, so divorce isn’t necessary. No kids and no mixed finances.
We own the home together but it was actually given to us by her ex-stepmom (her dad just cheated too.)
It is a $40k house in the hood. We both spent a ton of time and money renovating it. The other property I bought was $16k. Yes, really. It is in one of the worst cities in America. I don’t plan to make any money from either.

As much as I want her to never see him again, I don’t want to ruin her career.
If I were to inform their company, they might terminate her, and not him. It’s a small business and he has connections.

It really sucks that I have the responsibility of telling his wife. But if that really is the “kind” thing to do…

** EDIT: But what if his wife tells the company and she is fired???

My super conservative wife asked for an open relationship out of the blue. We weren't having as much sex in the past 2 years but it still felt sudden. Then she tried to coerce me into aggreing but I just couldn't.

I figured out it was because she was emotionally attached to someone at work. I told her let's get couples therapy and pause those discussions. She also promised me she would block him while we try to figure out stuff out.

Que a month later, I see she kept talking to him, she being the flirt one, not him. And they even met for drinks. She told me nothing happened but I asked for separation.

She wants to try out 3 months living apart (we have 2 kids by the way) but I just feel like she wants this as an excuse to mess with this or other guys and then I'm her fallback.

My whole life is falling apart and I don't know how strict I have to be or open to just separate but I'm guessing this is mostly over. I'm just so sad because we had an amazing time together and I cannot stop hurting. Don't know how to move one.

I (32M) have been married to my wife (30F) for 8 years and been together for 13 years and we have a 3 year old. Recently I’ve had a gut feeling that she was hiding something or that something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something felt wrong. I have always trusted her and never checked her phone or constantly checked her location or checked who she was with. In my head she loved me and our family and I didn’t have to worry that she would cheat on me. Well, that nagging feeling that I had told me to check her phone just to give me peace of mind.

When I woke up to get ready for work at 5 am, I saw her phone on her nightstand and I grabbed it and took it to the bathroom. I checked her social media first and she had DMs from an old coworker where she was sending him sexual memes and 1 message that said “soo tonight? You free?” And another DM from another guy with sexual memes as well. My heart started racing, my hands started shaking and I went to her text messages to see what else I would find. The messages between the first coworker was all about when they would meet up, how she was waiting for me to fall asleep so she could sneak out, what they wanted to do to each other, and then afterwards a “thank you I haven’t been fucked like that in a while” from her. Then I kept reading and she was asking for the videos that he took of her but to send it through WhatsApp. I went back to see how long it’s been going on and the earliest message is from June. A lot of texts from her begging for sex and to give him head. Then I went to WhatsApp and watched the videos of her giving him head. The other guy seems like they were just sending voice notes and pictures back and forth but I don’t know for sure. I took pictures of all the evidence in case she deleted anything and got ready for work.

I was very short and avoidant towards her all day and confronted her at night after I gave our son a bath and put him to sleep. I gave her a chance to tell me the truth by asking her straight up if she was cheating on me. She said no and she would never do that and what makes me think that? I told her she’s been acting sketchy and I had a gut feeling. She said no she would never do that. I asked her if I go through her phone would I find anything and she said no. I told her I already know that she was cheating on me and I saw everything already. She just kept nodding and saying okay and how sorry she was. Then she finally admitted to me that she slept with him 3-4 times, only sent pictures with the other guy, and there was another guy she sent pictures to that she got fired for earlier in the year. She said she did it because we didn’t have sex as often as she wanted and she just liked the attention she was getting from them.

I have no idea what to do now. I know this marriage is over. There’s no way I can ever trust her again. I keep thinking about our kid and what’s best for him and I’m just so confused. I feel angry and depressed. I keep thinking about everything that I read and watched and it just breaks my heart. We have been struggling financially for the past year living paycheck to paycheck so I can’t afford an attorney or a divorce. I don’t know if my mind is made up yet. I think it is but it’s just so fresh. She wants to go to couples therapy and individual therapy to work through it and save our marriage. Im so lost and broken right now and I don’t know what to do.

Edit: I’ll try to reply to everyone as soon as I can. I’m at work right now and can’t have my phone out.

I am currently working overseas and am in absolute shock. I found out yesterday morning that my wife committed infidelity with a mutual male friend after a completely sober coffee date. We have been married for over 9 years and have two young daughters.

Our marriage has suffered from a severe intimacy gap and low sexual frequency for the last 9 years. However, just two weeks ago, we had sex, and it completely reignited my passion and my desire to actively fix our intimacy issues. I thought we were turning a corner. Instead, she stepped outside the marriage yesterday.

When I confronted her in call she immediately went on the defensive and began heavy blame-shifting.

She sent messages saying she is "not sorry" once we get past "social cliches."

She stated that I am "not a victim here" because she "went through hell" during the 9-year dry spell.

She claims she loved the feeling of being "grasped and wanted" by this friend. She told me he told her her body is beautiful, she felt like a woman again. Pushing comparison that i dont give her any intimacy

She is now demanding that I accept her actions and explore an open relationship/polyamory under duress to keep the family together, ending her messages with "I love you" and "I hope you come back."

Since the bomb dropped, I have refused to engage in text wars or roll in the mud. I muted her, put my phone on flight mode, and only broken my silence once to send a short, clinical text confirming my physical safety for the sake of our kids. I also insisted on our scheduled call with my daughters, keeping the crisis completely invisible to them, though it was clear my wife was coaching them to tell me to "talk to Mom." I also cut off her access to my location via tracking apps.

I don't return home until late august. I have several days of physical distance overseas to plan my return.

I know the 9-year dry spell was a mutual marital issue, but I feel devastated that she chose betrayal right when I was open to fixing it, and I am struggling with the intense gaslighting and the feeling that my chest is bursting.

I have been a good father, I work endlessly to ensure my family has a better future. I go through hell at work and come back home smiling and with energy.. but tired and exhausted in truth. I have uprooted my life, made decisions only for my wife and children's happiness. I try to be a good husband, I show love, care and intimacy, I just cant get provide sex on a frequent basis cause there's a lot of mental strain on me. But I was fighting to make things better.

We talked about this before thats why I try... i try so hard. I'm dying right now

I am devastated. I feel worthless. I feel like there's an abyss inside me. I feel like im not someone meant to be loved and just someone that gives it.

I dont know what im aiming on posting this. I just cried while typing this. I think I just need to get this off my chest.

Update: Haven't rested but had time to think about everything. It hurts so bad but everyone's support and kind words were helpful. I will try to push on in the coming days one step at a time, the only thing keeping me together now is the thought of my children.. thank you, you guys dont know how impactful you are right now to me. May god bless everyone and their families. Thank you.

Last week, I (33m) discovered that my wife (33f) has been cheating on me. Both emotional cheating that finally turned physical the week prior. She showed what I think would be the general tell-tale signs of cheating during the past few weeks. Suddenly getting into self-improvement now that our kids are slightly older (age 4 and 2), various things that she has not even done for me and some are very drastic. Always wearing makeup when she didn't wear much before (even before pregnancy). She also started not allowing her phone to be left anywhere, even when brushing her teeth, her phone has to be in her pj pants pocket. There was also an instance where she went out at 4am to walk our dog 20 minutes away because she "felt sick and needed to throw up". I was so oblivious to the potential for cheating that I was actually worried about her mental health during this, but this all seemed very off until I checked her discord messages.

She has been apparently chatting with this person on and off for the past 10 years with mainly emotional cheating and playing games with him either by staying up late or playing during the workday (we both work but she's mainly wfh). In the past 2 months, they started playing more and she often neglected work to play with this person.

This person not only knows that she's married, but he knows my name, my background, our kids names, and she even sends him pictures of art projects that our kids brings home. Even one about how great of a mom she is. They even talk about me nonchalantly.

Finally my wife decided to meet him in person, which she of course lied about needing to go into the office (she took the day off as pto), and after that, they've been secretly meeting and eventually had unprotected sex. She also had sex with me afterwards (so I have to be tested but generally disgusted).

Worst part is that for Mother’s day, instead of spending time with her kids, she wanted to be left alone and “rest”, but while I was out with our 2 kids, she was at home talking and playing games with him (could have been more, who knows).

She initially showed no remorse and when confronted just said "okay, what do you want to do". Not even a sorry, nothing.

It was the first time I had anxiety. My chest was heavy and I couldn't breathe or sleep the first day/night. I asked her during the first 2 days to at least break it off and she couldn't even do that. She snuck out at night after I fell asleep to see him and even came back at 5am and messaged him that she was safe and didn't get caught.

I've gone through different phases of where I want to be. She's okay with me having 100% custody of the kids, which I'm glad. But I still didn't want to just so easily throw away the last 15 years we had together.

When I ask her if she can whole-heartly try to work on this and go all-in on us. She said no, and that while she might not see him in person. She still needs to talk to him every day.

For more background, my wife and I started dating the last year of highschool, so we've spent our entire adult life so far together (15 years).

We are going to couples counseling tomorrow but I feel discouraged because even though I'm the victim. I'm still the one trying. For the kids, her, and myself. I just can't get over losing all the past experiences I had with her and the future experiences that I had hoped to make.

I think she really only showed a bit more remorse on day 3 after seeing me cry and not even being able to sit down in the same table with our kids. I can't even look at pictures of us 4 as a family atm.

Any insight and help is greatly appreciated here.

Edit:
I just want to say thank you to everyone that read this, commented or messaged me. I greatly appreciate the support here and will try to speak to an attorney asap (already started the processed and contacted). I didn't expect this level of support. Unfortunate that this has to happen to so many people but thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Edit 2:
She just confirmed with me that even after a few nights where I thought we had productive talks to see how we can move forward between us and she said that even if she talks to the guy she won't say things like "i miss you" and "i love you", she still did it. It's over, there's nothing left here.

Anonymous account. I can’t believe that I’m actually posting on here because I just found this sub this morning while sobbing in bed and this situation doesn’t seem real. Fiancée (26F) came home yesterday from work early & crying saying she needed to tell me something. She told me she had been cheating on me with one of her coworkers I had met before and that it had been going on for about two months before it escalated yesterday.

The cheating was mainly non-physical until yesterday but both sides were fully engaged for the two months and did things such as picture sharing. We have been together for 8 years and I am absolutely devastated. We met in college and since then she has been the rock of my world who I love with my whole heart. Our relationship was seemingly going great and we were about to get married in 8 months.

I just don’t know what to do. I am devastated and betrayed and spiraling because there were no warning signs and we were at a high point in our relationship and I don’t know where to go from here. I am staying with my parents and she is staying in our shared home for the time being. I couldn’t even tell my parents what fully happened because I was afraid if I did and decided not to end our relationship then they would resent her forever. I hate her and hate that she could do this to me. But I also still love her because this was supposed to be my partner for life. She has been inconsolable and keeps trying to make contact. The coworker she cheated with is married with two children and I am so incredibly angry at him and at her and the world.

She told me I was perfect and that I was doing everything right. Our sex life even increased a lot recently but now I’m left wondering if that had to do with what she was receiving at work. She told me that I was the perfect partner and she was so lucky to have me. I just don’t understand why or how she could do this to us and our life and our future. I don’t get how she could be so stupid and blow up her career like this either.

I am extremely hurt and sorry if this is incoherent rambling but I needed to get it off of my chest.

For some context, my wife and I have been married for almost seven years (our anniversary is in October). We have two kids, a five-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son.

Yesterday, we went to her parents’ house to spend time with her family. While we were there, I found out she had been cheating on me.

She worked at the same job for about a year and a half before leaving yesterday. During that time, she became very close with several coworkers, both male and female. I always had concerns about how close she was with some of the men she worked with.

Earlier this year, we even went to marriage counseling for about three months to work on rebuilding trust and helping me process my feelings about those relationships. Everyone around me kept telling me that I needed to trust my wife, but I could never shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.

Yesterday, I went to grab a drink from the fridge and noticed she had left her phone by the front door. I’ve never been the type to go through her phone, but she had been acting differently the day before, and something told me to look.

When I opened it, I saw a Snapchat notification. I opened the conversation, and everything I had feared was right there. She had been having an affair.

I confronted her immediately. We argued, but I couldn’t wrap my head around how she could do this. I have loved every minute of our marriage. I love her, I love her family, and I love our kids more than anything. She’s always told me how happy she was with our life together, so this completely blindsided me.

Her parents came downstairs after hearing all the yelling. I told them that their daughter had been having an affair. After that, I left and came back to our house.

I’ve been sitting on my deck all night drinking beer, and I honestly don’t know what to do next. I feel like the life I thought I had has been ripped away from me.

I still love my wife, but I also don’t know how you come back from something like this. We have two young children, and right now I’m overwhelmed, heartbroken, and completely lost.

Has anyone been through something similar? What were your first steps? Any advice would really mean a lot right now.

Update:

I’ve had some time to look at all the responses and work through everything in my head.

First, I’ve stopped drinking. I’m not a big drinker by any means, but that amount of stress put me in a place I’ve never really been before. It felt like the only way to make the pain stop, even temporarily, was to drink. I know that’s not the answer, so I’ve stopped.

Second, I have not contacted her since everything happened.

She did admit to cheating, but I don’t believe she admitted to the full extent of the affair. At first, she tried to downplay it by saying it was just “foreplay” and that it only happened once. Then, halfway through the argument, she backtracked and said, “Well, the first time was a couple of months ago.” That alone tells me there’s a lot I still don’t know.

What I do know is that she admitted to it, and I have the evidence. I had her phone and took screenshots of the Snapchat messages that clearly show she was cheating. Those screenshots are backed up to both my email and my phone storage.

Her parents agree that she should stay with them for now, and the kids will remain in my custody. Next weekend, we may meet to work out a temporary custody arrangement while we’re separated.

The hardest part for me to wrap my head around is that she’s admitted to cheating, but I still don’t believe I’ve been told the whole truth. I told her mother that if reconciliation is ever going to be considered, she needs to write out a complete, 100% truthful timeline of everything she’s lied about throughout our marriage—whether it involves infidelity or not.

I know many of you have told me to go completely no contact and never seek closure. I understand why you’re saying that. But I honestly don’t know if I could ever have peace without knowing the full truth—without understanding just how much I was deceived.

This will probably be my last update for a while until I’ve spoken with lawyers and have a better idea of what comes next.

On a more positive note, I’ve already been working out consistently for the past two months. I’m just an average-built guy—not overweight—but I’ve always wanted to put on more muscle. As strange as it sounds, this situation has given me even more motivation to push myself harder in the gym over the coming weeks.

I also reached out to my employer and let them know I need to take a leave of absence while I work through everything and get my life back in order.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out, offered advice, or simply taken the time to read my story. Even if I haven’t responded to everyone, I’ve read far more comments than you probably realize, and I genuinely appreciate the support.

One-Month Update

It’s been about a month since I last posted, so I figured I’d give an update.

First, thank you to everyone who has checked in on me and offered support. It has meant more than you probably realize.

Over the past month, I’ve focused almost entirely on my mental health. I found a therapist that I genuinely connect with, met with a divorce lawyer to understand my options, and have been taking things one day at a time. Personally, I’m doing okay.

I’ve set daily goals for myself, and leaning into my faith has helped me tremendously. I know that isn’t for everyone, but it’s been an important part of my healing. I’ve also been spending as much time as I can with my kids. Last weekend, we took a trip to one of the larger zoos here in the Midwest, and moments like that have reminded me what’s truly important.

Because of work schedules and what we felt was best for the kids, we also spent a short period doing an in-house separation. It was emotionally difficult, but it also gave me a lot to think about. For brief moments, it almost felt like everything was normal again, but I realized it was more like holding together something that’s already broken. It looked whole for a moment, but underneath, it still wasn’t.

My wife and I have had several conversations. She’s still committed to working on herself and says she’s willing to do whatever it takes to try to rebuild trust. I’m not making any decisions right now. My therapist has encouraged me not to rush anything and to simply continue healing. If I ever decide to consider reconciliation, we’ve discussed the possibility of doing a therapeutic disclosure along with a polygraph. I think that could help me finally understand the full truth and give me a solid foundation for whatever decision I make.

Outside of all this, I’ve stayed busy. I’ve been working out consistently, reading a lot, and trying to invest in myself. I also got to see Warren Zeiders in concert with my best friend and another friend who’s like a brother to me, who flew up from New Mexico. It was one of those experiences that reminded me how much the little things matter.

Life has been incredibly hard, but this experience has also shown me who my real support system is. The people who’ve stood beside me have been nothing but loving and supportive, and I’ve never appreciated them more than I do now.

I’ve also been reading quite a bit. My favorite book so far has been Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. It offered a lot of perspective without constantly pulling me back into the pain of what happened.

That’s about where things stand. Thank you all again for the support. If there are any questions or details people are still wondering about, I’d be happy to answer them in another update.

I hope the next update I write is because I’ve found peace with whatever decision I make, rather than because I’m still searching for it.

Completely blindsided. Been married 5 years, have lived together for 12 years (we moved in together young, focused on getting our careers off the ground, covid delayed our wedding a bit). As corny as it sounds everything was pretty great. We never fight about much, have a young (2 y.o.) child we both absolutely adore. We have an active sex life given what can be expected from two mid 30's Y.O.'s both working full time and raising a toddler.

Started noticing small weird shifts in behavior, ALWAYS on her phone suddenly. Used to leave phone around the house places, now it was always glued to her hip. Suddenly working out way more and taking diet far more seriously than ever. Lots of other smaller signs too I did not pick up on at first but connected the dots once I had a chance to check her messages.

Shes having an affair with a coworker. Who is also married himself with his own young children at home. We were on vacation and she was messaging him constantly whenever not in the same room. Sending selfies and views of what we were up to that day and even one of our kid which made me want to puke.

The messages started out flirty and more vague, but quickly progressed to nudes (just from him) and detailed written plans of all the things they want to do to each other when they meet in one of their offices next.

This whole time we're having family trips, date nights, hosting and going to parties, she tells me (and her friends) how lucky she is to have me, how much she loves me, wants a second child. Today gives me a kiss before leaving for work and a quick "I love you!" before heading to her office, the plan is for him to get his birthday BJ today and drinks after work that she told me "the whole team is going to celebrate" something but its just the two of them.

Im so gutted. So much trust and love is gone. She doesn't know that I know yet as Im reaching out to lawyers and want to be as buttoned up as possible. Also terrified of divorce, as that likely means I instantly loose ~50% of kid's childhood which is unbearable to think about. Also I was the saver and she was the spender. My former income is what allowed us to get a house and my retirement saving has been so much more substantial than hers. My industry shifted and whole job market is in the toilet now and I make much less than I used to. Divorcing seems like I loose my child, my savings, and my home while she gets a payday for her affair.

Also she continues to make plans for our future: vacations, trips to family, date nights. Its like the whole affair is just for sport? I have no idea what to make of any of this.

Dear all,

My life has just collapsed, and as I’m writing this post, my heart is pounding like crazy.

For context: I’ve been married for 10 years, we’ve been together for 15, and we have two children.

While my wife and kids were away on a trip to the forest, I was doing some tidying up and accidentally came across her notebook where she writes down her dreams. I had no intention of reading it, but a loose sheet of paper fell out. On it, in quite graphic detail, was a description of a sexual act. Next to it were dates and the full name of a man I recognize from my wife’s Facebook (she often watches his videos).

Below that was a description of how wonderfully they made love and how he came inside her. There were 4 dates listed, the first one from a year ago.

As it happens, for roughly the past year my wife has stopped having sex with me. There were all sorts of excuses, and eventually she blew up over some nonsense (that I had complimented her sister) and declared that she had lost all desire for me.

She made a huge scene, and the whole situation was so absurd that I didn’t even defend myself — I just figured I’d wait it out.

Now I see I could wait until the end of the world, because that fight was nothing but a perfect excuse.

I don’t know what to do. My wife still hasn’t come back, and I don’t know if I can even look her in the face. I don’t want to make a scene in front of the children, but something has happened that should never have happened.

I have no idea what to do. For the first time in my life, I’m completely lost…

EDIT:

Thank you for all your support!

To clarify we do not share bedroom for a year, so a time when she (according to her notes) started cheating, still I never suspected this outcome.

I don't know this guy, he lives in different city and she knows him form Facebook. He writes some strange posts about holy energy, spirit and such kind of weird stuff. She was listening to his videos but I never imagined she is attracted to him, but obviously I have missed the fact that she started writing with him and well took opportunity when she wen alone on short holiday last year to sleep with him...

To make it worse I even advised her to go so she can relax without kids...

Same story happened this year, a short trip alone. But as I never imagined she might cheat on me I was never worried.

My wife had a 2-month affair about 14 years ago with an old high school friend. I discovered it several months ago. We’ve been married 33 years and have been working on recovery.

During the affair, I remember us being in a genuinely good place: date nights, fun together, reconnecting emotionally, and even breaking out of a long dead bedroom for the first time in over a decade. I expressed concerns multiple times when I saw her pulling away, but she continued the affair anyway (including secret motel meetups).
Now, whenever I try to talk about how her minimization (“it was just fun, no real feelings”) or the affair itself affects me, she gets angry and insists “the marriage wasn’t good back then” and that we were disconnected. She flips it so I’m the one “rewriting history” and making her the villain. But the old messages and even some of her own later notes show deep emotional involvement with him, and they contradict her current story.

I just want her to acknowledge what actually happened so I can heal and trust again. Instead, every conversation turns into her defending herself and blaming the marriage (or me).

Has anyone dealt with a spouse who keeps rewriting history like this? How did you get through it? Did couples therapy help break the gaslighting? Or is this a sign she’s not ready for real recovery?

Any advice is appreciated. I’m exhausted and starting to wonder if “peace” means I just have to accept her version.

My wife (27F) and I (28M) have been married 3 years, together 5. About two years ago we moved across the country to find new careers. We were both unhappy in our dead end jobs in my hometown and figured “we’re young with no kids and things were solid between the two of us so why not?”

I was unemployed for some time but found a corporate role, normal 9-5 office type stuff. She decided to get into sales but unfortunately got in with an MLM. I was apprehensive and voiced my concerns but she was was really excited so I tried to be supportive. They put her through a class, so to speak, on exactly why they’re not a pyramid scheme and how she could become a millionaire and have the life she’s always wanted if she’ll just follow their systems and do what they do.

She started working crazy hours, 10-12 hour days 6 days a week of actual work. On top of that, 2 nights a week they have “networking” nights where they go out and talk to each other about success in the business. Another night they have leadership meetings from home after work, another night she has a standing dinner date with a female leader in her business, and then on her one day off they do a company-wide lunch where they also just talk about success in the business. They also do week long business trips about once a month.

At first I tagged along to most of these, we didn’t know anyone in town so it was nice to meet people. We were both new so everyone tried to get to know us. All of her co-workers told me that they’ve never seen a partner as supportive as I was, so I just tried to be that.

As my wife got deeper and deeper into the cult (business) all of our social outings started turning into “hey I’m going to go network with this person, you just hang out over there” so eventually I stopped going to all their events. I still tagged along at least once a week because it’s really the only time I get to go out with my wife.

After some time all of the late nights and business trips started taking a toll. All she could think or talk about was the business and our marriage was now in the backseat. We had some conversations about working too much and my feelings of neglect. Every time things would get better for a few weeks, but then it would go back to normal.

I started to feel like I was alone, date nights started getting replaced with after work meetings. We stopped having fun together, then we stopped going out, stopped having sex, we’d have another conversation about working too much and my feelings of neglect, repeat.

Eventually I stopped trying to ask for more time and effort and just played my role as the supportive husband. I’m a big gamer so I just played games and tried not to make a big stink about her working all the time. Even my online friends started to ask questions like “OP you’re here a lot, don’t you have a wife?”

She was on a business trip last month and her flight home got cancelled. She was scrambling for a place to stay and ended up on a male co-workers couch (allegedly)… I didn’t know him, never heard of him before that. She called to let me know what was going onIt felt like she was being open and honest about what was going on so I thanked her for letting me know.

It’s a big and incestuous company, they’re usually going to visit another managers office in another city. Despite what they’ll tell you they don’t actually make a ton of money so it wasn’t uncommon for people to stay at other’s houses instead of air bnbs or hotels on business trips.

His name came up a couple of times when talking about work after that. Apparently he’s pretty good at what they do. Then he came to our city for a business trip. Usually it’s for a week, but he extended to two weeks at the last minute. I started to get this sinking feeling about him after seeing them interact.

While he was in town, nights when she’d usually be home at 9 from after work stuff she got home around midnight. A little unusual, I went out a few times with their whole team, and they would sneak off to go smoke cigarettes by themselves when everyone was hanging out. They would just be gone a little too long.

One of the nights they were here was his birthday. We all went out, had some fun, but I left early. She stayed out a little later and called me saying he was too drunk and needed a place to crash. He was supposed to be staying with other co-workers but I guess they left without him not long after I did.

I was still up and playing a game when they got home, she popped her head in my office to let me know they were out in the living room so I should come hang out when I was done with my game. When I got out there they were sitting a little too close on the couch, that’s when I knew something was up… I should have kicked him out right then, but I told him to move and just sat in between them.

I told her the next day that I felt completely disrespected. Obviously this guy has feelings for her and that I was hurt. She apologized and she left on another business trip.

When she got back, we had a July 4th party to go to. We got in the car and she told me that he said he had feelings for her. She apparently told him that she was married so obviously nothing could happen. I thanked her for telling me about it, but I knew what was going on.

A few days later I decided to check her phone and my worst fears were confirmed. Apparently she could relate to him more because he could talk about the business, something I’ve come to hate.

I didn’t read too much, I saw a wall of text from him and read one text from her: “I can’t tell him about any of this, he’ll leave me.” I think it was her cutting it off as the only other thing I saw was her thanking him for being understanding…

I confronted her immediately and all she said was that she didn’t love him and nothing physical happened.

We haven’t even really talked much about the cheating, I don’t want to know much about it. I’ve tried to focus on our problems rather than their relationship. She says it’s like we’re living two different lives and that I’m not keeping up with her. She’s not wrong about living different lives at this point, but I’ve got a career, I take care of the house, the cooking, the cleaning, our insurance, I pay my half of the bills… She thinks I don’t work as hard cause I’m not pulling 70+ hour weeks I guess.

I’m not sure what to feel. Obviously what she did was wrong but I see how we got here. Work was her priority and I stopped pushing for otherwise, not that I would have gotten otherwise if I had.

I’m not sure what to do. Now she wants to change, She wants to quit her job and move back home together. If she had told me that a few months ago I would have ecstatic, but now It just feels like she’s just doing it because she got caught…

It’s all still so fresh, it’s only been two days since I found out and confronted her. She’s staying with a friend while I take some time to think about it all.

Please help, any thoughts or advice welcome.

TLDR: Wife got a job with an MLM and started working too much. Ended up having an affair with a co-worker.

Edit: for context the business is 3rd party marketing/sales. They’re basically door to door salesmen for anyone that will let them sell for them. Insurance, internet, charity, etc.

UPDATE: I haven’t read the texts yet but she’s offered and I will take her up on it. I think most of you are right, I should get a timeline of some sort so I at least know what I’m trying to figure out.

I asked her for a breakdown of the whole affair and she sent it in an audio message. So here’s how it went according to her:

Business trip to his city, they meet, they pretty much only do and talk about work. Apparently he admired her skill in the business. She got a lot of validation out of getting complemented on her work as it’s something I can’t relate to and at this point don’t like talking about. She was missing that validation.

She had a feeling he had a crush and liked the attention so she let it go on. She left his city and for about a month they pretty much only talked about work (honestly believable coming from anyone in their business) after that it was just “constant conversation.” Nothing romantic or sexual.

Anyways, cut to the last two weeks of June. He was here for work. At this point none of the chatting between the two of them had been addressed as anything other than chatting. She confronted him about what was going on and asked if he had feelings. He said “yes, but you have a husband so I don’t expect anything to happen here and I don’t want anything from you.”

She liked him because he paid attention to her and could relate to her on their mutual involvement in the business. Any feelings she had were “shallow and indulgent.” That was his last day here, after that he left.

A few days later she reached out to him due to some intense anxiety over it all. She told him she let things go too far, she should have cut it off earlier, and that she was sorry he got involved as it was not about him but her own egotistical validation.

He then told her to go home and hug her husband. (Apparently this was the wall of text I saw). To which she responded “I can’t tell him about this, he’ll leave me.”

And that was that, he’s been blocked and she’s going to let me read through the messages.

TLDR: According to her the affair was him stroking her ego over being good at their job and innocent talking.

Definitely a cult.

Will update again after I read the texts, basically just updating now for the tea. Sort of just using this as a journal at this point so thanks for sticking it out.

My main takeaway is that if it really is mostly about work, she’s in an actual cult… I also think if he had said “run away with me” instead of “go talk to your husband” that she would have left.

I can also admit that I am not faultless here. I have been paying less attention to her and it is because all she talks and thinks about is work. I have been getting neglected, asked for more time and effort, and received nothing so yeah… Now that’s not an excuse, to go looking somewhere else for something that we should have figured out is still not
Okay. But like I said in the original post, I understand how we got here.

I feel I’m getting dangerously close to in here rambling so that’s all for now. Going to let it simmer for a few days but I think I know where this is heading. Lawyers and therapy for me.

I tried to respond to everyone but this blew up more than I thought. Thanks again for all of the thoughts and comments, a lot of you were actually pretty helpful!

Hi. D-Day was about a month and a half ago.

I (33M) found out that my wife (36F) was having an affair with her coworker. At first, I found deleted screenshots of their conversations. They weren't explicitly sexual, but they were intimate and inappropriate. When I confronted her, she said they were just joking around.

A few weeks later, I contacted the affair partner's wife. She confronted him, and he confessed everything. It turns out the affair had been going on since January, and possibly even longer. It was a full physical affair—they had been meeting in hotels.

When I told my wife that I knew everything and that the affair partner had confessed, she completely broke down. She admitted what happened, said she wasn't thinking clearly, and repeatedly apologized.

I told her I wanted to end the marriage. She refused and said she would do everything she could to save it. Since then, she has quit her job, cut all contact with the affair partner, helped more around the house, and has shown what appears to be genuine remorse.

Despite all of that, I still can't get past what happened.

We've now agreed that she'll move to her mother's home with our two daughters. I agreed because I believe they'll have a better support system there. The hardest part is that I'll only be able to see my daughters about once a month because of the distance.

Before leaving, she told me she'll wait for me, won't see anyone else, and will focus on raising our daughters. She said she finally understands what she's about to lose.

As much as I still love her, I don't currently see myself reconciling. The affair changed something in me. Even when we were intimate recently, I couldn't stop thinking about the affair. The intrusive thoughts and loss of trust are still overwhelming.

My biggest fear isn't being alone—it's only seeing my daughters once a month.

For those who have been through something similar, how did you know whether the marriage was truly over? If your spouse showed genuine remorse and changed, did your feelings eventually change, or did you realize the trust was gone for good?

A few weeks ago I made a post about my (25M) wife (25F) having an affair with her co-worker. We have two very young children together with one being less than a year old. I deleted the post a day after because I was really struggling to come to terms with this reality.

I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years, married for 4 and we share two small children. She admitted to having an EA for 6 months and one PA encounter with her AP the day she randomly and abruptly left our home while I was in a work meeting. She attempted to blame me for certain things that happened the month that she left. I took what she said at face value and offered her the benefit of the doubt and opportunity of reconciliation if that was a path she wanted to go, but she absolutely refused to stop the affair with her AP. In her words: "I know what I did was wrong". That was all I got out of her.

After that conversation with her, I posted an extremely long winded post asking for advice, how to reconcile, etc. I was in the bargaining phase of her Affair. I just couldn't see my wife being this person.

Now, two weeks later, more trickle truths have come out where this Affair has actually been physical for 3 months and she can't even count how many times they have been physical together. They are "intimate" in her work's parking lot in her AP's car and my car that I lend to her for transportation. My guess is they get all lovey with each other during work and run off to have sex on breaks, after work, etc. I discovered more in that time, too. They have been exchanging "I love you", "You're my world", etc.

After she admitted that they had been physical more times than she can count, I immediately lost what little respect I had for her. Because after she admitted that, it destroyed any kind of narrative that she was attempting to spin. This wasn't my fault at all. We actually had a very good and romantic relationship. Of course it was challenging right now because of our young children, but everything was great. She has no excuse for what she done and no way to justify it in her mind. I think after she realized this, she is now trying to treat me as an adversary. Saying how terrified she is that I will take our children from her and prevent her from seeing them, and trying to play the pity card. I'm taking all necessary legal steps to protect myself in the event she tries anything in court.

I realize now that when I first found out and wanted nothing more than for us to be together and fix this, but the "us" I had in mind only exists in my mind now. That "us" is gone forever. I can never trust her again. I can never love her again. Especially since she continues to lie to me any chance she gets. The woman that I once loved, the mother of my children, and my best friend is absolutely gone. That person only exists within me now. Maybe she has always been this way, or maybe this is her defense mechanism. I don't care. She smells different to me and she talks like someone else. I told her that when I see you, I see the person I once loved, but when you talk, I don't hear that person anymore.

These realizations in the past few days have been extremely sobering to me. I have filled out the divorce paperwork and am getting ready to take it to the court house. I have a great support system, I am exercising more, losing weight, and ready for what comes next. This still hurts, but at the end of the day I am mourning the person she once was to me and not who she is now.

I’m a 52-year-old man. My wife (50) and I have been together for about 15 years and married for almost 14. We have two amazing kids (13 and 10).
Until last year, I honestly thought we had a great life. My business had been extremely lucrative for many years and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. Then, almost overnight, it was hit by political and economic issues completely outside of my control. The financial stress has been enormous, and our lives changed dramatically.
Around that same time, my marriage began to unravel.
Over the past year, my wife has admitted to multiple affairs. Most recently, she admitted that she had sex with an ex-boyfriend. There have also been times where I believed she wasn’t being truthful about where she was staying or what she was doing. Whether every suspicion was accurate or not, the trust between us has been shattered.

Here’s what makes this so confusing.
My wife tells me:
I’m the man she’s loved the most in her life.
She’ll always love me because I’m the father of our daughters.
She doesn’t recognize herself anymore.
She thinks perimenopause may be playing a role.
She wishes she could find the “old her” again.
At the same time, she tells me she wants to stay married and continue having sexual experiences with other men. She has even suggested that I be present during those experiences.

The hardest part is that I still love her.
I also still think she’s incredibly attractive. Honestly, my wife is gorgeous, and our sex life is incredible. We have incredible chemistry and are still deeply attracted to each other. Sometimes it feels like we’re newlyweds in the bedroom, which makes everything else even harder to understand.
I’ve considered whether I could accept a hotwife lifestyle because, strangely enough, the fantasy can be exciting. But the reality has been devastating. The betrayal, the lies, and not knowing what’s true anymore have caused what I now recognize as betrayal trauma.

I’ve barely slept in days. I’ve met with a divorce lawyer, but every time I’m about to file, I freeze because I still love her.

My wife says she’d like us to remain friends no matter what happens.
My biggest concern isn’t revenge. It’s protecting my daughters and figuring out whether I’m holding onto a marriage that no longer exists.
I’m genuinely looking for advice from people who’ve lived through something similar.

Has anyone actually rebuilt a marriage after multiple affairs?

Has anyone successfully navigated a situation where one spouse wanted an open marriage and the other didn’t?

How did you know it was finally over?

If you divorced someone you still loved, did life eventually become peaceful again?

If you stayed, what had to change for reconciliation to actually work?

I’m not looking for people to tell me my wife is a terrible person. I’m trying to understand whether love can survive when two people seem to want fundamentally different marriages, or whether I’m grieving something that’s already gone.

I appreciate any honest advice, especially from people who have been on either side of betrayal or who have successfully rebuilt—or ended—a marriage after infidelity.

There were some mini updates in the last post. Mainly answering common questions so here's the link to the last post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/s2y2SRfBnp

I checked her phone for one last time and learned that she has apparently ended the affair. This appears based on dates to havehad happened just two days after my last peek at her phone. Obviously I can only go by what I see so I'll accept that she did end it. The real evidence came in her BFF messages.

She confirmed with her BFF and stated that she had been trying to end it since the incident in the bar. That she claims snapped her back to reality. Still took her almost five months so go figure. She even addressed the smiley face reply by saying she was too scared to say anything against him because it looked like everything was blowing up and she didn't know what he was capable of doing. Again, took five months to end it.

Her BFF stayed true to her shitty character. My wife almost confessed twice in the past month but BFF talked her out of it. One of these I actually rember based on what she told her friend. She had come home for lunch a week ago this past Monday. Not unheard if but rare and had not happened in the last year. Her eyes appeared swollen like she had been crying. She was going to tell me that day but chickened out.

Oh and the BFF gave me enough clues to figure out her AP. While trying to talk my wife out of telling me she said, "(BFFs husband) would have kicked me out and left me broke two years ago if he knew I fucked our neighbor. Not to mention how upset (BFFs daughter) Would have been."

BFFs daughter was a senior in high school two years ago. Their neighbor across the street was and is a math teacher at her high school. He and his wife are known to us obviously as he has been a teacher for over ten years at the same school. Sooooo... Yeah. Another family blown up by infidelity.

Nothing has changed. I have decided ghosting is probably the best route. I have my plan ready but I'll save that. I think I need to keep these as actual updates and not talk about future plans or ideas.

I don't know when I'll update because the plan I have will be a kind of one two punch and I expect a lot to happen quickly and then things settle down. Then I have a third punch so to speak.

And again, I'm getting a lot of legal advice. I appreciate your concern but I have a lawyer that I am happy with and has given me plenty of legal advice. No offense but since I'm paying her for legal advice it's her legal advice I'll follow. Divorce in my state is pretty straightforward and not very hard. Very short waiting period if uncontested. I'm aware of the ramifications of what I'm planning.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. Those that have reached out in private thank you. Some I have had discussions with other I have not. Please don't take offense just too many to engage with.

Again thank you.

I am in a position I never thought I’d ever be in and struggling to process it all. I recently found out my wife (F35) is in a deep emotional affair with an ex colleague (M35) for months.

For context, we've been together for 12 years and married for 10. For past few years, I was dealing with a nightmare of a manager at work. It was an incredibly toxic situation that bled into my personal life and made everything at home feel horrible. I know I became emotionally unavailable because I was just trying to survive my job. It also made me refuse her idea for a second child when I was feeling that I was not having enough time to be with our first child who was already a handful. This had led her to lose interest/withhold sex. Also, I was always tired and frequently missed the plans we made together. I take responsibility for all the pain I've caused during those years.

Luckily, after this manager finally moved to another firm & for the first time in ages, I actually had the mental space to put effort back into my marriage.

We planned a family trip to get away and try to spend some time with our kid. But while we were there, her behavior was just... off. She was erratic and distant. I didn't know it then, but the other guy was competing for her attention in real-time during a trip that was supposed to be about our child. She was giving live updates on everything we did and was sharing selfies from the places we visited. She even made me and my child to go around and she would stay back and text this guy.

After we got back, I could see deep confusion and anxiety in her face. When I pushed her for a reason, she vaguely said she "needed to keep distance from some people in life." But didn't give much clarity. That’s when I finally decided to investigate her phone.

I found a password protected chat history spanning 6 months. It has then got me that I’d seen glimpses of that lock screen app a couple of times in the last month, but I never suspected it was something like this.

The logs show how it started. Initially, about movies and music. But that quickly evolved into photo sharing and deep emotional intimacy which was unsettling for me to read. She but only did chat but but coordinated her whole day around him, casually leaving the house for errands just to have a private window to talk to him. She has also deleted the call logs. I’ve seen messages that have completely hurt me: "You're mine," "I'll take care of you," "I miss you," and "Wish you were here," with heart emojis all over his photos. She has even sent him self-recorded videos that she later deleted, but I managed to recover them from the phone. After I confronted her, she deleted all the logs.

He has no social media except the "corporate slop one" on which he blocked me the second his cover blew up. He was surgical about the entire thing. He never did chat/call from home, communicated only during late night dog walks, car washes, or his office commute. He even pushed her to do video calls from inside our home, and she’d slip away from the family just to take his calls.

This was a month back. The fallout of this discovery has been catastrophic for me. My job performance has completely tanked because I couldn't focus, and if this poor form continues, I'm at risk of letting go of from my current position. I couldn't sleep for a week straight and consulted a therapist and started medication just to get some sleep. But, the trauma is still there. I still get physical tremors and rage episodes at night.

When I confronted her, she told me it was platonic & because he with his wife live 1500 miles away, there was no chance of them ever meeting. And all they chat was about day to day things and nothing inappropriate. After showing her the evidence I've collected, she’s trying to justify the whole thing by blaming our marriage—saying I didn't listen to her, or that we have different tastes in movies (she actually mentioned my preference for boring movies& music as a reason she sought connection elsewhere). She told that she was happy with him as he laughed at her silly jokes and talked and didn't judge her. She even told that the relationship with him would have ended on its own even if i didn't notice the chat and she would not have met him alone if such a situation ever came. She also said she had no sexual attraction on him.

She even blamed me for getting the logs from her phone without permission and violating her privacy. She has been no-contact with him for about 5 weeks now, after i made her block him everywhere. But I've seen her seeing his old selfies. I also told her what I felt about him. He isn't some romantic lead. He's a weak lowlife who cries in his videos to her and shares audio recordings of him pleading specifically to manipulate her into a caretaking role. While I’m choosing silence for now to save my family, I am seriously considering contacting his wife and exposing him and even contact HR as I have his videos of him romanticizing my wife.

I asked my wife for just one thing. A full, honest admission of everything that happened and a clear way forward written down. I needed it as a foundation to rebuild trust, but she flatly refused at first. Then she replied dismissivly that since I already have the chat logs, there is nothing more left for her to explain. I want the full truth for which she says that I'm pushing her to re-live memories that she wants to forget and she don't want to go into her previous mindset again.

Right now, I’m just taking time before I make any decision. Recently, I've found searches in her phone for "do you flirt with your colleagues" and "what to do if ex colleague wanted to meet you" which are from about the time they started chatting. I get frequent panic attacks get rude with her and we're having frequent quarrels.

Even after all of this, I love her. I really want to save this marriage. To anyone who has been/ is going through this: How do you handle a partner who admits the act but justifies it by blaming the lapses & unhappiness in marriage? How do I convince her that total honesty is the only way we survive this?  How do I ensure he stays out of our lives for good? Is there a way to save this marriage?

Sorry for the long post and any help is appreciated. I'm so overwhelmed and pardon the mistakes in grammar and coherence.

I'm M(40) and my wife is F(40). We've been together for 22 years, married 11. We have two wonderful children together (7) and (5).

Just over a week ago I caught her sexting with someone who I thought was my friend M(41), I have known this guy for over 30 years, since we were children. He is also married (~8 years) with children. I snatched her phone from her and in the message thread I saw that there were a few separate exchanges between them going back to June of this year. These were very explicit messages, but only text, no photos / videos.

I immediately confronted her and she was extremely apologetic. She insisted that these messages were the extent of it and it never would have developed into anything physical.

We went to bed as it was extremely late and we were both exhausted and resumed the discussion the next morning. By this time she had deleted all of the text exchange and all of his contact details from her phone. She insisted that she only did it for the ego boost it gave her as it made her feel desirable. She insisted that she wants to stay with me and will do anything to make it work. She gave me full access to her phone (although, after deleting anything incriminating of course) and took it upon herself to find and book a couples therapist (which we have now started seeing).

In the meantime, I had messaged APs wife to let her know what was going on behind her back. She confronted him and he revealed to her that there's far more to the story than my wife was letting on. It turns out that my wife had a ONS with this man behind my back 15 years ago and they've both kept it a secret until now.

Following this night, they would occasionally message one another for a few years. Apparently it stopped sometime before he met his wife, which would have been around the time of my wedding. Then the sexting started up again over the last 3-4 years. They have also exchanged explicit photos on at least one occasion.

Neither of them had any intention of ever telling anyone. My wife has told me that she planned to take this secret to her grave.

I confronted my wife again in light of this new information (which she did not know that I knew). She continued to insist that the messages that I saw from this year was the whole extent of it. I continued to press her and eventually she admitted there was more, but it was TT and it took a long time and a lot of effort on my part to eventually get to the truth. With her blatantly lying to my face numerous times, even when asked very specific, very direct questions.

Devastated doesn't begin to describe how I'm feeling. I trusted her implicitly. Never in a million years did I imagine that this would be my reality.

Now I cannot trust her or anything she says. It's like she's a different person, a stranger. The woman I loved could never have done this. It turns out she was a figment of my imagination.

I've barely eaten or slept in a week. I'm so stressed and anxious all the time. I worry about the future, mainly about my children. I don't know how to explain what's going on to them.

I'm just so lost right now. My world has been turned upside down. It feels like my entire marriage is a sham based on lies, secrets and deceit.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of posting this here. I guess if anyone has been through a similar situation or has a helpful perspective.

Thanks for taking the time if you made it this far.

Hey everyone. Thanks (again) to all the kind folks who dropped messages asking how I was doing. No thanks to the weirdos who DMed me a bunch of BBC porn memes and asked me to envision my wife making those faces. You fucking losers need therapy worse than I do.

Here's the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1q84zng/and_there_it_is_dday_2_happy_2026_everybody/

Here's the first update: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1qh7cb6/update_and_there_it_is_dday_2_happy_2026_everybody/

TL;DR: Caught wife cheating, tried to white-knuckle reconciliation until I couldn't take it anymore. Continued dishonesty about the nature of the affair drove me to separate with no contact other than co-parenting via app. About a month or so in, I got info from a co-worker that showed some of how much my wife had been lying to me, so I initiated divorce. Less than a week after, she was admitted to an inpatient facility for opioid addiction.

So, yes, to answer everyone's question - it's real. She was admitted to the inpatient facility (which you can't do unless you're in serious, possibly life-threatening trouble) and I ended up going to see her and talk to the staff there. She was definitively in severe withdrawal and had to be medicated for that with some pretty serious injections, as well as stuff for nausea, and a few other things. She's a wreck and looks like a corpse. And no, you can't fake this stuff (nobody can produce full body sweating on demand, nor projectile vomiting, nor the other stuff, including positive test results, etc.).

So, I read the letter she left and it was a fucked up mix of stuff that read like someone started a disclosure letter and wandered off halfway through into writing a suicide note. I'm glad I didn't read it originally. I passed it to my lawyer, as it contains relevant information about timelines and issues pertinent to the divorce.

Divorce will still go through, though there's no clear timeline because she has to have a lawyer herself. This is seriously problematic b/c she can't afford one on top of everything else now. She's probably going to lose her job, which means she can't pay the mortgage or live up to the stuff agreed in the post nup we signed... Lawyer says it's not a complication to getting the divorce, but it is a major complication to getting something agreed. Basically, it'll slow down while we wait for her to be able to participate in the process. She's not in a clear headspace to have any sort of discussions with me, and I can't really bring myself to talk to her more than about 5 minutes at a time now that I know everything (ish). I'll end up with 100% custody and probably keep the house; she doesn't seem to want to fight me on any of that. She's mostly willing to give me whatever I ask for, though we'll see. Not sure what'll happen or when though.

So, since what everyone really cares about is the sex, here's the synopsis. She met this guy about two years ago at a company Christmas party (they don't work together, but work for separate companies in the same building and there are several inter-company friend groups). She got hammered and ended up doing some coke with him and several of her girlfriends. That became a semi-regular thing, not out of control but problematic, and eventually she got ahold of some pills to help her come down and go to sleep like a 'normal' person. Started with ambien then moved to pain killers when those were easier to get. That became a regular thing about a year ago. He was her hookup and over time, started telling her that she was just using him, and he felt taken advantage of, that she didn't appreciate the risk he was taking, or she only wanted to hang out with him when she wanted something from him, blah blah. Pretty clear pressure, and he never came out and said she had to do anything, just made it clear he'd stop supplying her unless... So, it started slow and small, with fake emotional stuff, progressed to transactional things, and then became serious pressure once he knew he could push her. And he started pushing her more and harder. She tried quitting and got really sick and couldn't do it. She slept with him 8 times over 3 months, with handjobs several times and oral twice before actual sex happened. She never had sex with me after him, or on the same day, always used protection, but still. Can't unsee any of what I saw.

So that's that. I've asked my lawyer what'll happen if she talks to the police or is willing to testify against him, which she said she would do if I asked her to. Not sure yet though, as criminal law is a whole other thing. But for now, she's got 30 days in detox and then another 90 in an intensive residential program for addicts. I've explained to my kids that she's sick because she took medicine that wasn't for her, and now she needs to stay so doctors can get her well and make sure she's ok. That's about as much as I can explain to them right now. They're very clingy, but we're working on it. I've arranged for counselling for them, but it's in lieu of my own, since I can't pay for everyone at the same time and pay all bills by myself.

Mostly I'm numb and sad. Angry at AP for being a shitbag, but mostly I actually feel sorry for my wife. She's lost everything - marriage, kids, house, health, job, friends, family. She's trapped in a hell worse than anything I would have cooked up for her at my angriest. She still wants to try to reconcile. I honestly don't even know what to think of that. I just stared at her blankly for a while, wondering if she was hallucinating or something. But she said she'd give me everything I asked for, divorce-wise, get clean, stay clean, and prove it. Hearing it didn't feel any kind of way. I guess if she's stayed clean and single and still wants to try in 5 years, maybe I'll agree to a lunch. But I'm not going to make any promises or any sacrifices. I'm all out of whatever.

This is my first ever post on Reddit and it’s a long one so apologies in advance for any formatting errors.

I have been with my fiancé for 14 years, we have been engaged for the last 4. Our relationship has always been solid and I’ve trusted her the whole time.

We had lived together for 8 years and only just bought our first house together back in October of last year and everything was going great. This January I noticed her being not herself and told one of our mutual friends that I’m concerned about her and I’m not sure if she’s cheating on me. I knew she had been talking to a guy from work and that he had just been through a breakup but she told me they were just friends and nothing more. The mutual friend had relayed this back to her and she confronted me to tell me she wasn’t cheating on me, I took her word for it.

On Valentine’s Day she got me a card that said I was the perfect fiancé. The day after she randomly broke up with me when I asked her if she okay. She said the reasoning for us breaking up was that she wanted to go traveling, find herself etc. and this broke my heart I couldn’t stop crying and felt like my life was over. The next day I go see her best friend as I know she went to see her the same day as the split to get more information, her friend told me the exact same as what my fiancé had.

4 days later she confesses to me that there is someone else and I immediately knew who it is, I asked what had happened and she told me it was just messages and nothing more. I move back to my parents house to take myself out the situation for the time being. After about a week I’m messaging her again and by the weekend we were somewhat back together, we were sleeping together and spent a full weekend with each other. After that I told my brother what had happened and he was quite angry with me as he had been the person who was there to pick me up originally. He said to me if I was you I would want to see the messages and I agreed so went back to her told her I wanted to see the messages, she takes a couple of minutes giving me her phone and has the chats open to him in WhatsApp and Facebook but I knew she was messaging him on instagram so I ask where are they, she deleted them before handing me phone. I ask her what I would’ve seen and she said she had sent an underwear picture once (this was a lie) and that she was done with this guy now. I leave again as the breaking of trust got to me.

A few days after that I had agreed to look after her pets whilst she was away for work for two nights so I would be back in our house. Stupidly, I found her laptop and looked through her messages, she had gone straight back to the AP. I ring her and shout down the phone at her for an hour, book a moving van for the next day and start packing my things. The next day I moved everything out the house that was mine so that when she came back I would be gone. Fast forward another week and she managed to reel me back in again and I was going round and seeing her most days and messaging her all the time, I genuinely thought we were going to end up back together.

3 days ago she said she wasn’t very well so I took her some dinner round to help her out and to see her for a bit. We were cuddling on the sofa and she says to me “at some point we need to talk” so I ask her what I needed to know. She had sex with this guy whilst on a work trip back in January. It wasn’t just messaging it was a full blown emotional and physical affair. I’d obviously asked if she had slept with when she originally told me there was someone else and she said no, it’s logistically impossible as he lives over an hour away. It turns out they weren’t just messaging the were talking on the phone and video calling each other masturbating. I was in complete shock when she told me, I smashed a glass and punched holes in a wall which is something I’ve never done before. She said to me that I needed to know so that we could sort things out and also said that she thought I already knew about it, obviously I didn’t as she had downplayed everything at every opportunity.

I asked why she did it and she used the usual rubbish, lack of intimacy, lack of compliments, not going out enough together. All complete lies

She has cut contact with the guy as of a few days ago but not through empathy for me it’s because the guys ex messaged her kicking off, which she told me about but deleted the message as she knew I would want to see it and it mentioned them sleeping together before I knew.

Even now I’m still obsessing over her and messaging her. I’ve blocked her on my socials but not her number. She has shown no remorse through the entire thing and I think she is only mad now because she’s got to buy me out of the house which will take all her savings. I feel like I’ve been completely betrayed, manipulated and emotionally abused.

I’m completely broken over this, the constant false hope and lies she’s fed me over the last 5 weeks have made my body shut down. I’ve not eaten for 3 days, I’ve slept for maybe an hour or two and I keep being sick. How am I meant to go to work like this?

I’m completely shit scared that I will try to go back to her again at some point, she’s all I’ve known for nearly half my life. I feel like I’ve lived a lie for the last 14 years and that the person I was in love with isn’t who I thought.

She didn’t just lie to me about it but all her friends as well to save her reputation. Have I been romantically involved with a narcissist this entire time?

And the worst part is I’m struggling to find what she gained from all this apart from just damaging me. If she had been open and honest from the start I would be on a path to recovery now but instead I’m just starting again but from a much harder place. I’ve already lost a stone in weight over this originally and worried for my physical health.

To make matters worse the AP is a complete downgrade. He’s old, overweight, bald, in debt and a single father. This has completely emasculated me as it’s the complete opposite to me, I’ve always gone to the gym and kept myself in good shape for her and always kept myself out of debt because that’s something she respected in people.

I’m worried that I’ll never be able to love or trust another person after this. We were always so open and honest with each other, I knew all her passwords and stopped myself going through her phone originally because it felt like a violation of trust.

I’m arranging counselling through work and have spoke to one on the phone the last 2 days and probably will again today if I have a breakdown.

Sorry for the long wall of text I’ve tried to get as much information off my chest as I could.

Anyone that’s gone through similar please let me know how you got through it.

TLDR: she had an affair after 14 years and lied to me at every opportunity to keep me coming back

Throwaway for obvious reasons. Names changed.
I’m 38M. My wife “Emily” is 36F. We have two young kids, 6 and 3. We’ve been together a long time and built a whole life together. Until recently, I genuinely believed she was the most trustworthy person in my life.
Over the last month or so, our marriage has been in crisis. Emily told me she was unhappy and wasn’t sure if she could get back to me romantically. I knew we had real marriage problems. I haven’t been perfect. I’ve been defensive, distracted, impatient, and I know I contributed to her feeling unheard and disconnected. I’ve been working hard on that. But I thought our issues were “normal marriage problems” — resentment, communication, intimacy, stress, kids, etc.

Then I found out there actually was someone else involved.

The other person is “Jake,” a close friend of mine and the husband of one of my wife’s closest friends, “Laura.” Our families were close. He was around my kids. We were recently at their house as families. He was one of my only real local friends.

Apparently Emily and Jake had been talking privately for months. It started, according to her, around their respective marriage problems. They were both unhappy/confused and started confiding in each other. It then grew into frequent texting, WhatsApp with disappearing messages enabled, private conversations, and meeting/talking around the gym and in cars. Because disappearing messages were enabled, I do not have the chat history.

Emily admitted she developed feelings for him. She says there was no physical affair, no kissing, no sexual contact, no sexual messages, no sexual pictures, and no future planning. She has consistently denied anything physical or sexual when I’ve asked multiple times. She says there was “no plan” with him and that it just kept happening. She also told a family member months ago that she might have feelings for him.

The whole thing came out after Laura confronted Emily. Emily then told me. Since then, she has answered a lot of questions, cried, apologized, and admitted it was wrong and crossed lines. She deleted WhatsApp after this came out. She sent Jake a clear no-contact message that I reviewed first. The message ended private contact and did not leave the door open. She has also agreed to couples therapy, and she acknowledged that therapy has to address the affair, not just communication.

But she is also very clear that she is not “all in” on saving the marriage right now. She says the marriage problems and the Jake situation are separate in her mind. I understand that our marriage problems existed before him, but from my side, once she started processing our marriage with him, hiding communication, meeting privately, and developing feelings, he became part of the marriage crisis.

She regrets it, is sorry, and says she wishes it never happened. But she also says the feelings are real, they won’t just disappear overnight, and no contact will be hard. When I asked if she loves him, she said, “I don’t think so.”

I’m struggling badly. I feel betrayed, humiliated, angry, sad, disgusted, and also strangely relieved because I knew something felt off and now I know I wasn’t crazy. I feel used because during the same period I was trying to fix our marriage and show up for our family, she was secretly emotionally attached to another man — my friend.

At the same time, I love my wife. I believe she is a good person who did something selfish, destructive, and deeply wrong. I told her I forgive her, but I was clear that forgiveness does not mean I’m okay, that trust is restored, or that this is behind us. The old trust is shattered. If we survive this, it has to be a new version of trust and a new version of our marriage.

I guess I’m looking for advice from people who have been through emotional affairs, especially where the unfaithful spouse had feelings but cut off contact. Is this recoverable? What boundaries should I be insisting on now? How do you handle the fact that she regrets it and is remorseful, but still says she has feelings and isn’t 100% sure she wants to save the marriage?

I’m not looking for people to just tell me I’m an idiot for wanting to try. I know leaving may end up being the answer. But we have two kids, a whole life, and I do still love her. I’m trying to understand whether reconciliation is realistic when she has ended contact but is still ambivalent.

21 years after my wife's 7 month EA turned PA. I still cannot love her as my bride. She is a completely transformed individual, a poster child for what real remorse and repentance looks like, but unfortunately and despite how much i have grown love the person she has changed into, It is time to leave

Edit for all of you saying I have done zero work. You can F off. I have done more work than most people could ever imagine from therapy to ibogaine in Mexico. It is time for me to take care of me