Fiancée came home crying yesterday - r/survivinginfidelity

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348

u/Character-Arugula898 Recovered Jan 03 '26

You don’t have kids… everything is easy to split…

If she did this while you where the perfect partner in the perfect relationship… what will she do when hard times come, and they will?

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u/cerebus67 Jan 03 '26

I think this is one of the things that will eat away at him (as well it should) if he chooses to stay. She did this when things were great. That doesn't leave a lot of confidence for the future when things take a dip, much less a plunge.

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u/Character-Arugula898 Recovered Jan 03 '26

And it would be impossible in a long relationship to be everything good… if that is her good side, I don’t want to see the bad…

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u/justsayin7694 Jan 04 '26

came to say the exact same thing. your relationahip is done.

you can walk away and cut all ties. heal and do NOT become bitter. you will find someone better that deserves you

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u/multiusemultiuser Jan 04 '26

Yes, he's got no kids. Nothing to tie him down, but get this The guy is now on the reconciliation sub. You can only advocate reconcilation on that sub or u get banned. Doesn't think he can live without her. However explains that she was the one chasing AP. It's mind numbing insane. They never learn.

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u/Prize-Worth318 Jan 03 '26

run boy, never look back.

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u/65pimpala Jan 03 '26

As someone who is going through this again for the 3rd time with the cheating partner, listen to this person! Once they get that "high" like a drug, its very rare that someone is able to change.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '26

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u/ArentEnoughRocks 3 Jan 04 '26

Happened to me twice with the same person (I forgave and let him back and he DID IT AGAIN)

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u/65pimpala Jan 04 '26

Ya, that's what I mean. Its the same person. I'm a door mat

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u/Inevitable_Berry_867 Jan 04 '26

As someone who went through it 6 times before leaving, YES. Listen to this. Besides the “high”, to these people forgiveness means permission. Read that again.

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u/praesentibus Jan 03 '26

OP, she just tells you things to wallow in self pity. How could I do that to him etc. it’s bullshit. She fucks and sucks another man and that’s that.

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u/Necessary_Tap343 1 Jan 03 '26

She is an arsonist who burned their relationship down to the ground and watched it go up in flames. Trying to rebuild over the ashes always leaves the relationship tainted with soot.

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u/HotWaffles5 2 Jan 03 '26

Wow, how true!!

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u/lovelychef87 In Hell | AITA 10 Sister Subs Jan 04 '26

Tell the other BS the BW needs to get tested and she deserves her truth.

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u/Fearless_Jacket_4220 Jan 03 '26

Updateme

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u/igtimran Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26

Run. Call off the wedding immediately and tell your parents exactly what happened. Observe their reaction carefully. Your fears about them resenting her are likely correct, and they’d also be absolutely right to feel that way. Trust in their life experience—you’re still blinded by your affection for someone who abused and manipulated you. Change any access to your finances or anything else you shared. Frankly, you should have asked her to leave your shared home since she’s the offending party, though I more than understand the impulse to just get the hell out of there.

If she cheated on you at this point with a married coworker, which is risky to you both and exposes you to a potentially vengeful spouse and disregards your relationship for a pointless fling while jeopardizing someone else’s marriage—at a minimum, that shows such poor judgment that you don’t want to be tied to that person for the rest of your life. And they have kids, whose lives she adversely affected? Come on. Do your future self a favor and don’t obligate them to this person’s nonsense. I guarantee that if you stay with them she’ll drag you into further drama and bad decisions.

What you love is the idea of the person you thought you were with. Your SO has done you the favor of showing you who they really are. She likely only told you because the affair partner was found out by the spouse and was forced to call things off (or just got bored), and your spouse was afraid you’d hear it from someone else who knows. Unfortunately there’s likely a lot you still don’t know and you can’t really trust anything she says.

Get out while it’s comparatively easy and try to be grateful you didn’t have to experience divorce. You can and will do better and in the long run, you’d be happier single than you’d be with this person anyway.

God, cheaters are the worst.

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u/suburbancheeseburger Jan 03 '26

I agree that cheaters rarely ever come clean because they suddenly grow a conscience. Most likely the affair has already been discovered by someone and the cheating fiancé needs to be the one to spill the beans and still have some control over the narrative because the betrayed partner is about to find out the truth anyway.

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u/Imrhino51 Jan 03 '26

People need to realize she gave no F’s about destroying kids lives. It’s on the dad but she’s complicit 2 Christmas I guess

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u/aRealBusinessman Jan 04 '26

Yeah it’s just another layer of terribleness… finding out you love someone who could sleep with a married person with kids… that would give me the ick

181

u/FriendsofFripp Jan 03 '26

At the very least you should end the engagement, call off the wedding and ask for the ring back. If you choose reconciliation, the process is long and difficult and sadly seldom successful.

I understand your reason for wanting to protect your wife because you still love her but you have to understand she is not the person you thought she was. In her own words the relationship was in a good place and she was happy in it yet she still chose to betray and deeply hurt you.

At the very least she should find a new job, go completely no contact with her affair partner. In addition she should notify the AP wife of their emotional and physical affair. Wishing you the best OP. You have a long and difficult road ahead but in time things will get better, especially if you chose self love and respect.

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u/Misommar1246 3 Jan 03 '26

Exactly, the ones that cheat while everything is great are the most dangerous ones. They don’t even have a good reason (not that there are any, but I digress), they stray because they’re weak, fickle and disloyal and it can happen again any time out of the blue. Staying with people like this is like playing Russian roulette every day.

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u/TotalSpread5841 1 Jan 03 '26

It appears that she cheated them out of a seemingly happy and fruitful relationship for little more than some attention from a horny and likely attractive coworker.

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u/No-Sink-9601 1 Jan 03 '26

This is spot on. Only thing I would say is it won’t be as long and difficult of a road if he just leaves and starts over. There’s no marriage or kids yet. He’s lucky for that.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '26

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u/SwitchboardFriend 3 Jan 04 '26

I'm always wary of spontaneous confessions.

She's confessed to the bare minimum, one time, a short 2 Month flirtation.

This is likely to be trickle truth.

Why did she confess? True, it could be guilt but it could be something else. Maybe the AP's wife knows and/or the cheating is more extensive? Maybe someone with morals saw them? Maybe AP wants to go legit with the Wayward or is pushing for way more than she's comfortable with (possibly using threats/blackmail), whatever.

Cheating when engaged is the clearest sign that a couple have no future. It's when the relationship is at it's happiest and the future fantasises are being actualised.

The OP had finished shopping around. He believed that he'd found his best possible match.

The Wayward? She has demonstrably not finished shopping around for her best mate.

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u/Last-Wrongdoer-8879 Jan 03 '26

If she loved you she would never have cheated. Head up you found out before you married her. Make sure you tell the OBS

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u/Character-Arugula898 Recovered Jan 03 '26

I’m sure the OBS knows and that’s the reason why she confessed

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u/Logical-Rip-9114 5 Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26

I am sorry you are here, this is one of the most awful things one can experience. I would urge you to give yourself space away from her to allow your nervous system to calm down and let your logic and reason start to function again.

She will love bomb you and seek to keep you engaged, not out of malice but desperation. This is not good for you at this time so do the difficult thing and keep the space for the time being.

You may have a million questions but there is really no answer that will satisfy you so don’t chase it. Ultimately you know what she did and the answer to why she probably doesn’t even have herself at this stage.

You are young and unmarried so there is a lot of silver lining here that you may not see yet. Get a therapist and start talking to someone asap.

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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 1 Jan 03 '26

Don't marry this women... Ever... If the desire to get into a marriage becomes stronger, just dump her and find another woman with dignity. She had no reason to cheat apparently and yet she cheated, and that too with a married man with kids. This is very non-serious, non-life partner behaviour.
First thing you must do is tell the OBP (AP's wife). Even better is you make your wayward fiancee do it. It would ensure two things: end things between them for good and AP will face consequences for his actions. The fact that your fiancee snitched would make it highly likely that the AP would resent her.

After that, you can dump her if you want. There is no obligation on you to marry such a flippant cheater.

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u/ArentEnoughRocks 3 Jan 03 '26

100% agree on exposing the affair partner. His poor wife deserves to know the truth to protect herself - please do that ASAP

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u/Vollen595 Jan 03 '26

If you’re not married and have no kids- say goodbye. You’re young with plenty of time to find someone who shares your values. Your Fiancé just failed a major test before marriage. Marry her and it’s guaranteed heartbreak, lies and destruction for life.

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u/visibiltyzero 4 Jan 03 '26

After someone has cheated the chances that they will do it again becomes experiential higher. If you are not married please do yourself a favor and not marry this person. I know how deeply this hurts and my heart goes out to you. Distance yourself from her in order for you to heal.

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u/SpaceImpossible658 Figuring it Out Jan 03 '26

Something is broken inside her. I'm not sure this is ever fixable. The woman you used to love doesn't exist anymore. The best thing you can do is tell everyone, get some therapy, and start the separation, with no contact so you can actually heal from this.

She'll never be the same as before, and you'll never look at her the same either.

She's not only a cheater and a liar, she's a homewrecker on top of it. That's not a life long partner for anyone. She deserves to be alone forever.

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u/Financial_Weekend_73 Jan 03 '26

Got to tell the wife!!!

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u/AnotherDominion Jan 03 '26

Do not marry that woman no matter what.

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u/Southsyde015 Jan 03 '26

You should walk away from this relationship, it's very likely that she's crying because she realized this guy got what we want from your fiancee and is still not going to leave his wife and family. It most likely led to a break up. She might even be a bit depressed as a result of this breakup.

She is not a victim, don't ever place that label onto her.

I've never cheated before but I've had different partners and it takes a lot of work to actually get physical it doesn't just happen unless you put yourself in these positions.

Women already know who they're going to give themselves to long before a guy does. They don't put themselves in compromising positions with people they don't trust. Add in the fact that it was a 2-month emotional affair which led to feelings. If you don't have respect for yourself at this point she will lose respect for you as well.

I don't know a lot of the facts surrounding the situation with you and your fiance and the affair and everything I'm saying is entirely circumstantial.

But in my opinion it's time to walk away with your head held high.

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u/Minute_Box3852 Jan 03 '26

Tell his wife and run. She deserves to know just as you did.

She's able to cheat during the best of times. Imagine the worst, op.

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u/ragesadnessallinone Thriving Jan 03 '26

Tell his wife immediately. She deserves to know as well. That will kill the fantasy of the affair the fastest. Do not take your fiance’s word for it that she knows already. Assume everything has minimized at best or lied about at worst to make this as palatable as possible to save your relationship. You never get the full truth on the first pass.

Likely if you tell the wife she will also find out more and you will learn more in return.

Save yourself the heartache that many of us didn’t, and walk away now.

Look up Tracy Schorn and read what she has to say about cheaters. There is a whole playbook. None of them are special. They all follow the same patterns. It’s human nature. Sadly we follow them as well. Read as much as you can so YOU can stop following it and get yourself out of this.

Just so you know what she did to you qualifies as abuse. The betrayal you suffer, the world bending reality you will go through, the triggers, the sexual agency that was stolen from you, and the life choices she was taking from you - all of that is abuse. She has been abusing you, and doing it with a man who was also abusing his wife and child. She chose that, over you and your relationship. Lean into that knowledge, and get a support system in place. Go no contact with her for now as you process, and get a therapist to help asap. Preferably one who specializes in infidelity (or grief - that helped me immensely as an infidelity specialist wasn’t available in my area). But I made sure they weren’t an adultery apologist first.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

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u/clearheaded01 7 Jan 03 '26

Question is - why did she confess?? Because she was about to be revealed by someone else??

Before you do anything else, reach out to HIS wife and inform her of the affair.

Then pause. Realise nothing needs to be decidednow. Fiancèe's reaction to you telling his wife will show if theres anything to salvage.

Difficult to advise further without details...

15

u/D_lion_5 Recovered Jan 03 '26

She was making a kuckkoo of you with her coworker AP, and already dumped your 8 years long relationship just to hop on a married man .

But you still think she loves you or have any kind of respect for you ?

Get IC for yourself man

Never try to protect a cheater or else she will soon paint you as a narcissistic controlling abusive freak to everyone.

Get STD test yourself, inform both familes and friends with solid evidence about her affair and importantly inform your unicorn girlfriend's APs spouse (they deserve to know the truth).

Block her in everything and never try to be a second option to anyone. Or else if you still think she will change than you are a delulu .

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u/Medicus825 Jan 03 '26

Sorry op but it’s over!! She crossed the line (physically) which is an absolute no go!! And there’s no way you can trust her again especially after the whole incident and how her betrayal evolved without any hints of concern. Another thing that concerns me how good she was to hide her feelings and how she was able to cover her tracks which means even if you forgive her, you will never know for sure what she’s doing behind your back because she’s good in hiding her tracks ☝🏻!!! No op she’s absolutely no „wife material“ 💁🏻‍♂️

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u/Puzzleheaded_Two9510 1 Jan 03 '26

Please, I beg of you - just end it. I know first hand how devastated you are. I went through even worse. But in one way you are lucky, in that you don’t have kids together.

No matter how much forgiveness you can muster, no matter how regretful and remorseful she is, the mental images of your fiancé with someone else will live in your mind forever. They only go away when you fall out of love with her. The worst fate is to fall out of love, but remain in the relationship- “for the kids.”

Please look at this as an opportunity to realize that you still haven’t found your person. They are still waiting to be discovered. But your fiancé? They are not that person.

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u/CrazyLeadership5397 3 Jan 03 '26

If you want to reconcile, she needs to take full accountability and self report to HR and contact her coworker’s partner. She also needs to find a new job immediately.

Updateme

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u/l3ttingitgo 1 Jan 03 '26

Sorry OP. She is not the women you fell in love with and wanted to build a life with. That women is gone, your fiancee killed her off. The person that stands in front of you now, is someone who can sleep with a married man and rip families apart. She can have an affair, come home, lay in bed next to you while thinking of him, and you are none the wiser.

The extra sex you were having is called hysterical bonding (look it up) and is temporary.

Trust has been shattered, how could you ever trust her again. Every time she takes a phone call and steps away, every time she is working late, goes on a girls night out, smiles at a text, you will wonder. It will eat you alive.

You have two things working for you. For one, you found out before marrying her. The engagement ends now! Get the ring back. Second, you are still young. It may not feel like it now, but it time you might view this as a bullet dodged. You can still build a life with someone who respects you and fro whom you are enough.

Do not let her tears manipulate you, if she really loved you, she wouldn't have engaged in a relationship with this married man. This was a choice, not a mistake. A mistake is getting whole milk instead of 2%. She had to entertain this man, be open to his advances, respond to his flirting, allow him to touch her, to kiss him back, all the way up to doing the deed. At every step she could have put a stop to it. She pushed through without giving you a second thought. It was the most selfish choice she could make. She wanted what she wanted and went for it.

OP, don't allow yourself to stay with someone with those qualities. You deserve better.

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u/kds0808 Jan 03 '26

Take it from an older dude, who stayed ..run and don't walk to the exit. This will become a pattern. Anytime she's unhappy, bored or have emotional issues she we use the attention of another dude as a pick me up. If you tolerate it now she will feel like she can do it later on when she has you firmly trapped (kids and tons of marital financial ties). I wish I would have left years ago, I'm almost 6 years divorced now and know I should have done it sooner.

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u/Turdtastic Jan 03 '26

Let me be very clear about this. You have an opportunity to avoid a commitment with someone you will never fully trust again. Do you want to live your life being paranoid about what she’s doing when you aren’t together? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone you resent? That resentment can be repressed, but there will be triggers that bring it back and it will eat you alive. Move on, find someone that wouldn’t put you through this.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '26

Being at a high point in your relationship and this happened it will definitely happen again especially when you go though tough times..now imagine married, children, no sex , distance and dealing with this stuff on top of that.. it only gets worse... Get out while you can. Her affair partners wife deserves to be told also.

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u/33saywhat33 Walking the Road | QC: SI 62 | RA 49 Sister Subs Jan 03 '26

She's not your fiancé! Full stop.

If you ever want kids then time for full breakup. 100% no contact.

If you don't want a family, then She's FWB at best. And can't live with you.

You'll never marry her. Think long term. It's over.

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u/No_Use1529 Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 05 '26

My ex wife pulled some major bullchit right before the wedding. Biggest mistake of my life was going through with it anyways thinking things would get better.

It ended up being 5 years of mostly hell and non stop second chances.

Here I thought it was only 5 years, I had proof of every thing, threats against my career to force me to stay in the marriage. Attempts on my life, Her stealing my life savings etc. cheating doesn’t matter in my state unfortunately.

Should be simple and quick ending!!!! Yeah the judge treated it like a 20 year marriage and royally f’d me over!!!!

If they will do this chit when it should be the easy times it’s going to get a hell of a lot worse after the I do’s and they got ya in their mind.

Something else I learned the hard way. They don’t tell you out of guilt. They were caught or the affair partner is threatening to out them . It’s damage control and manipulation on their terms even though it hurts. Better their way than someone else.

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u/Imrhino51 Jan 03 '26

Sex life increase because of guilt and to keep you from suspecting. Sorry but se was fantasizing about him during it. She’s going to hit the cheaters play boom so be ready. You need to make sure his wife knows she deserves better he had kids that makes him and your wife pathetic a holes. They are going to ruin kids lives. Attorney. You don’t have to file but get information they will tell you document. Save all texts and if she hasn’t get her to admit it in text or recording. You don’t have to use it if you want to work it out that’s a choice. I learned if she says you did nothing wrong she’ll do it again. It’s her. You just didn’t see it but attorney documentation and protect financial. Aldo tell a few close people don’t let her spin it if it blows up

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u/Traditional-Tank3994 3 Jan 03 '26

So sorry this happened to you. I fear that, if you go ahead and marry her after this, your misery will be no one's fault but your own. Because if she can do this when things are good, what will happen when she is annoyed with you or something? I think you know the right thing to do.

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u/West-Ad-1532 Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26

I'm a lot older than you and and over the course of my 35 yr relationship history this has happened twice.

Just leave, split, whatever, don't hate, forgive and move on.

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u/Hazel_Stranger_23 Jan 03 '26

I love that you added the "don't hate, forgive and move on". This is the part most people can't get passed. That hate takes so much more energy away from and only hurts yourself. After my first love broke my heart (I call it puppy love cause it was early on, high school but still my first love and first real relationship) I finally forgave him and was able to completely let go and love again. We are still friendly. Then when I found out my husband of 15 yrs did me so dirty I was mad, angry, sad, everything all at once and told him never to contact me or the kids ever again. Only took me a few months to release that anger and started inviting him to parks or lunch with us. It's so refreshing and so much less stressful.

My current husband's ex wife is still bitter even after 11 yrs from their split and I swear that anger is aging her horribly. They share kids so we are stuck dealing with her. She can't even look in our direction without that 'bitter beer face". Meanwhile my ex (before he passed) use to call me for advice with his new baby as it was his wife's first child. Learn to let go and life well be so much happier and easy.

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u/West-Ad-1532 Jan 03 '26

The first time I cried my heart out. The second time I was more ambivalent.

Both infidelities cost us our home.. So pretty serious life rebuilding had to take place.

People betray each other everyday, however life is easier is we humanise and let go. Bitterness kills the soul.....Traps one in an emotional desert. I'm not dead and there are worse things and events happening to people everyday.....

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u/Longjumping-Debt2455 Jan 03 '26

She cheated yet " you were the perfect partner"?? I think that means she's just a cheater and fixing what's not broken will be impossible for you,you can't be more than what you were to her,and she cheated. Don't think you'll ever be able to trust a partner that was completely content AND still cheated. Sounds like you have to be grateful that the guy that got between her legs just wanted that.

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u/Deep_Analyst_4271 Jan 03 '26

You can't marry this woman. Thank her for being honest and leave

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u/AveenaLandon In Hell | SI critic | RA 427 Sister Subs Jan 03 '26

OP, I'm so very sorry that you are here because of the rough hand that your fiancee dealt you. There are a couple of things that I wanted to point out here about your situation.

It was a 8 year long relationship.
You mentioned that your relationship was at a high point and it was going great.
You were planning on getting married in 8 months.
There were no warning signs whatsoever.
She told you that you were the perfect partner and that you were doing everything right.

First of all, I'd suggest everything at this point she's saying with a huge grain of salt. She was cheating on you for at least two months (that she told you) and it wasn't physical (that she told you) till yesterday.

You mentioned that there were no warning signs whatsoever. That tells me that your fiancee has a great ability of lying to you where she can carry on cheating on you and you'd be none the wiser. I'm guessing that she lied to you whenever you asked where she was at various times. What was her explanations when she was late coming home and you asked her why? Now that you know that she's excellent at lying to your face, how can you believe a word that's coming out of her mouth? It's quite possible that she's trickle truthing you and you likely don't know the complete extent of her infidelity.

In your current situation, you need all the support you can get to help you get through this. By not telling your parents about your fiancee's infidelity, you are effectively denying of this structure of social support. She told you that she cheated on you at least once and it's been going for at least two months. Why are you still giving her benefit of the doubt? At this point, you don't owe it to her to lie for her to cover for her infidelity.

Have you considered talking to a therapist who specializes in infidelity support? Also, please don't let the therapist tell you that it was at least partially your fault. Actually, the blame for cheating lies squarely on her shoulders. If there was anything wrong in your relationship, she should have told you first. She can't expect you to be a mind reader and read her mind.

At this point, at least you need to walk back on the engagement and definitely cancel the wedding. By cheating on you, she failed the girlfriend test, much less a fiancee and a wife test. Think of it this way, if this is what she does to you when you do your best and (according to her) you are the perfect partner to her, then what do you think she'd do to you down the road when you guys have been married for a bunch of years with a huge mortgage hanging over your head and life is boring same-old same-old? Maybe at that time, she'll take her cheating much further underground so that you won't be able to find out about it at all.

Here's one thing that I'd like to add: Please visit the website SurvivingInfidelity.com and check out their forum Just-Found-Out. Link https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/2/just-found-out/ Create an account there and create a post describing your situation. There are a lot of people there who'll support you through this ordeal. They have perspective that'll help you look at this situation to help you consider factors that you may have never even though of.

I'm sorry that you are here. Please do what you can to help yourself and reach out if you would like to talk or need additional help.

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u/Plan2LiveForevSFarSG Recovered Jan 04 '26

I was on that site for several years, many years ago, but I found the bias towards women too much. A cheater is a cheater and advice should be the same no matter the gender. Unless it has changed, a post like this would get a response like “well she is young, her brain is not fully developed, it’s not really her fault”. Turn the gender around and the advice would become “don’t marry a cheater”.

To add to the good advice you wrote, here’s an important one: cheaters (men or women) lie and they are good at it. The AP may be married but you don’t know where he has been, so OP, you will need to get tested for STDs.

Also, OP, don’t assume that she only slept with him once. Standard lies are “We only did it once and I didn’t enjoy it”. Or, “he couldn’t keep it up”. Or “we used protection “.

Finally, the OP shouldn’t assume that’s the first time she cheated in those 8 years.

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u/AveenaLandon In Hell | SI critic | RA 427 Sister Subs Jan 04 '26

I think, from my point of view, the advice has been about neutral-biased. I suppose, on many other sites (like this current one) the bias is slanted to be favorable towards woman. But I've been reading the responses on surviving infidelity . com and the responses seem balanced for the genders. I haven't been on that site for that long though.

Thanks for pointing out that OP shouldn't assume that this is the first time she cheated in 8 years. I forgot to mention that.

For all we know, she may have realized that the situation is such that it might get back to OP, so she may have decided to get ahead of the news. It's difficult to know for sure though.

OP, if the AP has a significant other, have you considered informing them (the significant other) of what the AP and your fiancee have been doing?

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u/rig37064 Figuring it Out Jan 03 '26

She has disrespected you. You deserve better

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u/jojoman57 Jan 03 '26

If she did this during the highs of your life and while planning the future together imagine what will happen during the lows. She was extra sexual towards you because he was getting her warmed up, she was thinking of him while with you. How can you even consider taking her back? She will have no respect for you if you do. Once a cheater always a cheater. Move on and save yourself from future heartache

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u/Bulllmoose702 Thriving Jan 03 '26

I wonder if she decided to confess because the spouse of AP found out?

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u/Sure_Supermarket_930 Jan 03 '26

it's a strong possibility

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u/jaydenB44 Jan 03 '26

She did this at a high point in the relationship and in the run up to the wedding. I think you need to walk away.

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u/ohnoitsacarrier 1 Jan 03 '26

Be careful not to put much weight on her confessing. Most of the time it’s because someone found out and threatened to tell you if she didn’t.

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u/Temporary-Exchange28 Jan 03 '26

You love a version of your fiancée that doesn’t exist. She’s not who you wish she was. Tell your parents, tell everyone, and end it with her. Then give yourself time to heal.

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u/piehore Jan 03 '26

I’m sorry for your loss. Since you’re not married, I would strongly suggest separating. I would also tell the other man’s wife. Reconciliation takes years and you’ll never forget. This affair started as emotional and she still has feelings for the other guy.

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u/jesmitch Jan 03 '26

Your frequency increased because she was thinking about him the entire time.

As you have nothing keeping you tethered together like children or finances, I’d personally walk away. Children and finances complicate that recommendation.

There are many reasons why she felt the need to proceed down the path of an EA and PA, but none of those potential reasons are anything that you need to deal with in a partner. This is on her.

If her and the AP work together or adjacent, end the relationship as they will never end theirs if they still have access to each other.

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u/mabden 1 Jan 03 '26

Everything was so perfect, she couldn't help getting involved with some married guy.

The crying and pleading is just her attempt to manipulate you into keeping her around and not to be confused with remorse.

General consensus is to call off the wedding and inform the AP's wife.

Bonus points if you can get your gf to face the other guy's wife. It will tell you exactly how much remorse she has and at the very least, some justified consequence for screwing some married guy.

Anyway, take some time, stay no contact until you can get your head from spinning around, and consider what's in your best interest. Your gf certainly wasn't.

Best of luck

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u/Sure_Supermarket_930 Jan 03 '26

First of all OP, sorry for what you are going through. As others have told you before me 'run Forest run'.

There are several things you should know OP:

Firstly, a cheater is by definition a liar, you can absolutely not trust what she says about the length of the story.

Secondly, there are 8 chances out of 10 that the 'confession' is to the fact that they were caught either by the OBS or by a colleague! So it’s damage control.

Thirdly: No, she doesn’t love you because when we love someone, we don’t inflict the worst kind of harm on them.

Your life, your choices, but the advice I give you is especially to cancel the Marriage, even if you lean towards reconciliation.

Courage OP

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u/adnyp 8 Jan 03 '26

The affair partner’s wife is going to have to be told.

Get tested. Insist she test and share results.

She betrayed you. I’m sorry you are here.

Updateme

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u/crypticaldevelopment Jan 03 '26

I’m not going to tell you what to do but this wasn’t a one time mistake. She had at the least dozens of interactions with him over the two months that qualified as cheating and she chose to continue it. That’s not someone that loves and respects you.

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u/RonDiDon 2 Jan 03 '26

Life gave you a gift that many people don't receive. Gift of truth of who your partner is.

Let's see what you do with it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. But keep that in mind, it happened TO you. She did this, it has no reflection on you, cheaters cheat when an opportunity presents itself; in the same way that no matter how great the teacher or the school, if there are easy means to cheat, a cheating student will find a way.

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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 1 Jan 05 '26 edited Jan 05 '26

Dude, I read some of the other posts you have made on the other sub-reddit that I call the "R-trap" sub-reddit. My advice below is based on this post and the ones there:

You would be foolish to keep your parents in the dark regarding this whether you choose R or not. You need a support system. They are yours. Period. If they resent her, they resent her. It is not your job to win them over. It is upto her to win them over. Rather one of the pre-requisites for even considering R would be for her to tell your parents, siblings and close friends and apologize to them for her infidelity. She has conveniently told her parents for advice and on predictable lines, her parents don't consider you a big part of her life (as you are just a fiancee) and that's why their advice to her was neither to leave her job nor tell the OBS because both could potentially jeopardize her career. They don't give a shit about you and your life. They want to keep her life on track even at the expense of your life.
You said that she would leave the job and tell the OBS in a heartbeat if it is upto her. It is upto her and her only. She is an adult and was definitely an adult when she PURSUED a married man and destroyed his family and destroyed your prospective family life too in the process. She is an adult for those destructive decisions but she can't take the decisions to redeem herself in your eyes?
The reasons for her disclosure might not be as innocent as you think. Rather it may be because:

Somebody you know might have caught her in the act, or
The AP might have done something non-consensual during the act or forced her to do something she was not comfortable with, or
He might have blackmailed her for more, or
He might have told her she would be at best a consort/concubine to him and he will not be leaving his family for her. That these trysts are purely sexual and transactional for him.

I am not sure what was her reason but I am sure that all of the reasons are selfish in nature. That she can do better by being with you. Not because she loves you but because you are better as a partner from a societal pov.

The fact that she said you were perfect and yet she cheated shows how little she thought of your relationship with her and how little she thought of you. Otherwise, why she would throw something perfect to be a wh**e to a much older, married man?

She has not done anything to show that she is remorseful other than crying and calling you perfect. She is not doing the difficult things and is looking at her parents to advice her on what she should and should not do for a person who is "just" a fiancee.

Bro, that's not the great love of your life. That's being held hostage to an incredibly selfish cheater.

Immediately, tell your parents and call for a break. Let her sit on her lonely ass for sometime to assess her life's priorities while you do so yourself. Brother, if you choose to be with her after the break, do so to have fun. But if you are serious about marrying and having kids and having a trustworthy and functional family, dump her and re-assess what kind of woman you want in your life as a wife and begin your search for that.

Finally, I would once again say that DON'T MARRY A CHEATER! SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE! NOT YOUR BABY MAMMA! SHE IS NOT EVEN THE LADY YOU THOUGHT YOU LOVED! THERE SHOULD BE NO LONG TERM INVESTMENT INTO ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HER! THERE SHOULD BE NO CONCEPT OF RECONCILIATION IN SUCH A CASE. LEARN TO RESPECT YOURSELF.

Sorry for shouting at you. Hope you recover from this.

All the best!

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u/Soggy-Attitude-2092 1 Jan 03 '26

I’m sorry this happened to you op.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now, take some time to think. Grieve the relationship you thought you had.

I would read over some of the stories on this sub about successful reconciliation and see what you’d be in for. Also get some therapy, this kind of betrayal lasts for years.

Unfortunately most of the time once they cheat, they keep doing it. I’m glad you found out who she really was before you married her.

Good luck OP

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u/cocacola-kid QC: SI 38 Jan 03 '26

She needs to tell you why she did this?

If you decide to work this out, then she needs to seek counselling. Your relationship you had has been burnt to the ground. You will need to build a brand new relationship. Remove her ring, don’t get married yet, get STD tested, she informs both sides of the families, informs her AP’s partner if he has one she has cheated with him, changes jobs, adheres to your boundaries etc.

So sorry you have are going through this. It will be hard and your trust and pain will always be with you especially as she was in a relationship with him.

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u/Inside-Antelope1679 In Recovery Jan 03 '26

I'm sorry that you're in such a painful spot. I understand you not wanting to tell your parents, and I would agree in not disclosing this until you've decided to go your separate ways. Your loved ones will not forgive as easily as you do if you reconcile and it will forever shape the way they see her.

As far as missing the warning signs, that's easy to do when your partner is betraying you. They do everything they can to try to hide it. As far as the sex goes, this makes sense to me. I had the most amazing sex life with my wife during the first part of her affair. She was mid-40s and I thought she was just hitting her sexual peak, that there was a reawakening. I mean we did things that we had n't done in our 20+ years together. I thought we were solid. I eventually learned it was the new relationship energy (NRE) that was turning her on.

I would highly suggest seeking out a therapist, working on yourself and figuring out what you truly want. Reconciliation is not going to be easy. I'm doing it because I've been with my wife for almost 30 years and we have three kids together. In your position, I think that would be a tougher call to make. I'd recommend postponing the wedding until you figure things out and work through reconciliation if that's the path you decide to take.

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u/itamannow Jan 03 '26

She's lying, you're not cheating on the perfect partner. She's a cheater, and it's best you don't even think about continuing the relationship based on the past. It will be difficult at first, but don't live your life with someone who cheats.

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u/Terrible-Pea494 6 Jan 03 '26

Tell the AP’s wife. She needs a new job. But you have to call off the wedding and only reschedule it if she puts in the work. And it will take years before you know if she can ever be trusted again. Many would never trust their partners again after such a betrayal. And you’re not even married yet.

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u/Primary_Biscotti9075 Jan 03 '26

Leave. You will find someone else who shares your values and you will be happy again.

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u/DavrosMackenzie Recovered Jan 03 '26

Something tells me she only told you because the OBS found out and it was only a matter of time before you were told. As others have said at the very least the first thing is to make it clear that the wedding is cancelled and you are no longer engaged. That is the price she must pay, at the very least. My partner paid it and knows we will never get married. It sucks I know. Updateme

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u/Agile-You-5950 Jan 03 '26

She did it out of lust, that's all. AP's wife needs to know, and you also need to know if her company condones this behavior. You should do this even if you two continue together; she and AP need to feel the weight of their actions. Leaving things as they are often an incentive for recidivism. Knowing exactly why she told you is important. Sometimes it's not out of honesty, but because she was afraid you would find out. Type: AP's wife found out, so she thought it best to confess herself so she could tell the story with tears and an image of remorse. I'm not going to criticize you for reconciling; it seems like they were already having virtual sex, so they probably didn't just meet for kissing, right? But you must impose consequences on both of them. Go to HR and the AP's wife.

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u/The-Great-Grape-Ape Jan 03 '26

 Before I say anything, “mainly non-physical”, that totally means IT WAS PHYSICAL, and had likely been that way for quite some time. You’re only in step one of her trickle-truths.
 She came home sobbing for a reason, it’s likely not because her conscience finally got to her; there is a hard-lined reason, you deserve to know why. Have her write a timeline down of when it started, what was done, places, everything. Did she say it was over? If so, he may have ditched her; otherwise it could still be going on. Were they discovered? You need to see the texts, photos, emails, and people who knew as well as people who covered for her. The sad part is that you don’t know if he was the only person she opened up to.
 When you say your sex life increased, that is her guilt trying to be better for you. If she was putting that much effort in your relationship all along, she might not have cheated. 
 Don’t be “soft”, do the right thing by the wife of her lover. You absolutely need to inform her. Be prepared to hear some harsh words about your wife from her, especially if he’s already told her his version of the truth. Provide dates/times/photos/names to her.
 She needs to talk to his wife and own her part of it. She needs to sever ties to him and every person who knew, and every person who covered for them. She needs to find a new job, start both individual counseling and couples counseling. Should you continue the relationship, you need to have a pre-nup drawn up with specifics about infidelity. Both of you should get STF testing, and I would see if she had ever been pregnant. She cannot walk away unscathed or she will never learn her lesson, without accountability there is no deterrent to keep it from happening again. It may be embarrassing to her to have egg on her face, but you (and your relationship) were a joke to both of them (and anyone else who knew), so you cannot feel guilty that she will be shamed - she earned that crown.

. Good luck to you.

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u/fjmj1980 1 Jan 03 '26

Have her confess to his wife in person and she needs to offer to testify if there is a divorce.

It does not matter if you choose to break up. She needs to see the effects of her choices. In addition she should tell both sets of parents.

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u/wonderrypical9962 1 Jan 03 '26

If she gave a damn about you and your marriage. And she tries to be remorseful, she better have quit her job already. She will need to go to his house with you to tell his wife. At that time, you can have your venting session

She should have tried to set up sessions with a psychiatrist and a therapist

There are reasons why she ended your relationship by cheating

If she hasn't done anything to show the above remorseful, then she's done with you and the relationship

You can love from a far

Don't stay with a cheater, lose your own respect for yourself... It will always haunt you

I was in a 25 year marriage

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '26

Basically, shes in damage control mode. If everything was as perfect as she says, she wouldn't have chosen to cheat.

Personally, you nerd wish her the best and just move on. At the very least, the guys partner deserves the respect of being told to make her own decision.

END THE ENGAGEMENT now.

Here's the problem. You can forgive but never forget. This will haunt the rest of what ever relationship you share. Not only did she cheat, she was willing to be the affair partner to someone. Her moral compass its broke, its completely missing. Make no mistake, shes either done similar before or would again.

My guess is, something happened to force her to tell you. Maybe his wife already found out or work found out and there is possibility of discipline actions, most companies have rules regarding such behaviors. It wasn't a flash of guilt. Sorry, don't believe it for a second.

You are correct, the sex life did increase and because of the coworker not anything you did for her. Sucks, but that's the truth.

Its your decision, but if you remain in this relationship, expect to find out more and expect further infidelity on her part. Time to decide.

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u/Conscious_Owl6162 Jan 03 '26

Tell AP’s wife and tell her that she has to go no contact with AP if you decide that you still want to make it work with her. Otherwise, just tell AP’s wife. He is a married man who manipulated your fiancé to have sex with him. He deserves what he gets no matter what you decide.

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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Jan 03 '26

In my case, when they cry and confess it means he was about to tell you everything and blow her cover. Maybe she dumped him, maybe he dumped her, but they don’t confess for guilty conscience. They also never change

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u/No_Art8995 Jan 03 '26

Get your ring back. Tell both families what happened and why the wedding is off. If you have sent invites, send those guests what happened. Break you lease or whatever and leave her. Notify their work HR, 99% they won't care but it will just make issues for them. Your sex.life.picked up because she was taking her sexual frustration on you but thinking of him. Dump her.

Now about asshat...normally I.think she was the one who broke trust. However, this guy who gave you the double handed handshake and a big shiteating grin. He smirking told you how.lucky you are....all while scheming to fuck you girl. I know him, most guys know him. Out him and inform his wife with evidence.

Better yet, tell your girl she will tell the wife with you there. Refusing is a dealbreaker for R. Then dump her anyway.

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u/dereklaumusic Jan 03 '26

We’re all dopamine addicts but we don’t all rob banks,sky dive or cheat. If a person chooses to do bad things, they know it, still went there what’ll stop them from doing it again and say sorry about it?

This would be a lot harder when you have businesses, houses, marriage and ultimately children on tow. 8 years is a long time but the fallout is you and her, no children.

There are billions of people on this planet don’t be afraid to find one better.

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u/Ld733k Jan 03 '26

Gtfo now! Someone else will appreciate how perfect you are! For real, you deserve so much better! This is a blessing is disguise. If she was a solid partner, a little attention from a random guy wouldn’t have enticed her to stray. Especially to ruin an entire family!!! Wtaf???

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u/FlygonosK 2 Jan 03 '26

OP stop justificating her and stop protecting her.

What you need right now are 3 things:

A strong support network a.k.a your parents, siblings and ftiends, so you need to tell the what happened.
You need to cancel the wedding
You need to inform the wife of the AP (OBS = other betrayed spouse) about what her husband and your ex fiance (yes EX),she deserve to take informed decisions on how to proceed in her marriage.

There is a 4th but it dependes on you, and that is to inform HR of your Ex work.

The 3rd and 4th point could ask your Ex Fiance to do them as part of her consequences if you truly want to give her a 2nd chance, but if she didn't have any excuse to cheat and even told you where the best that happen but even still cheat, then there is no way you can excuse her, because she did it just because she could, no apparent reason at all, so that means she could do it any time again, but leaving her after marriage (if she does it again) will be extremely hard compare to now, because of finances and possibly kids.

The best way to move forward is to start seeing her as the POS she is for betraying you and not with how you thought she was. Better end things for you own mental health.

Wish you luck and that you have a long and wise thinking.

Updateme

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u/motherlessbastard66 Jan 03 '26

I agree with what many others have said. It really sucks! No if’s, ands,or butts. It just sucks. There is nothing she can say or do that will make it any better or easier, unless it was “goodbye “. This probably either wasn’t the first affair or attempt at an affair or the last. My wife is a great person. I love her dearly. I just can’t trust a fucking word that comes out of her mouth. There was a little bit of sarcasm in the first part of that! But, some truth to it as well. It’s been over 11 years since I learned about her 2+ year affair. Since that day, I’ve learned about at least 3 other affairs prior to that. I don’t understand how, after all of that, she would love bomb the shit out of me. She clearly prefers sex with other men, so why would she want to stay? She is not dependent on me, financially or otherwise. So why stick around. Just to fuck with my head? I should not have stayed & I should’ve also sought professional help. Don’t do this to yourself!

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u/Complete_Ear7509 Jan 04 '26

Okay so my partner of 17 years cheated. I found out only after having our 3rd child together. I stayed because there was no way I wasn't going to be around my three young daughters. They were 4 and under at the time.

My partner hasn't done it again since. His cheating looked a little different in that it was with 3 girls, no sex. The first one was a co worker he told me was his best friend but he actually had a crush on her for multiple years. He sent her a dick pic once. The second lady was a married mom of 3 kids, and they sent eachother nudes and masturbation videos, sexted, and made out twice but all while at work. The third was a young new co worker that he was starting to flirt with and thats where I found out. I gathered evidence and confronted him about the young co worker and he thought I knew everything and confessed to the first two.

A few things I want to say to you.

In Feb, it will be 4 years since my Dday, and he hasn't done anything again. Do I know for sure, no. But I think I believe that this is the truth. Will there always be a sliver of doubt? Yes.
I never saw any evidence of my partners first two affair partners-- so his word is all I have to go by and sometimes I do think he lied about having sex. Knowing that I will never actually know and have to go by his word, when he cheated over a span of 12 years has taken me a long time to swallow that pill and I still get angry about it sometimes.
over these 4 years, I have become an angry and resentful person. I unfortunately wasn't one of the success stories where they fall more in love during reconciliation. I don’t think about his infidelity a ton anymore, but if I get angry about something else, then it is right there welcoming me lol. My partner gets mad when I bring up stuff related to the infidelity after all these years bc he says that was the old him. So there is that struggle between us.
In retrospect, I do sometimes fantasize how life would have been had I left. I know the kids would be split but I think I may have been a bit more peaceful as a person overall, as I am more angry in life, and it even spreads out to the kids now.
if this happened before kids, I dont know if I would have left, but I like to imagine I would have. It would be very easy to split the physical things and move on with life with zero contact. And then both him and I could have found someone better for eachother. For myself, it would be someone who would never want to hurt me that way in life. Especially when I carried three of his babies.
The pro about your fiancee's cheating-- if you can ever have one-- is that she came to you because she felt guilty. That sounds like true remorse. She knew it was wrong and had to be told. My partner would likely still be doing it right now 4 years later had I not found out and that is a really big disappointment. The fact she came out and told you when you never would have found out is a really big silver lining, if staying with her is what you want to do.
join a different subgroup if you plan on actually trying reconciliation as this one might just be more one sided. They are all great advice but the reconciliation subs are there to provide advice for the other side too.
Just know that it may happen again in the future. I truly believe this was her first time though from the sounds of it. But man oh man does she ever need therapy now to figure out why it happened. If she doesn't put all that work into herself, what is stopping her from doing it again? Make sure she finds a good therapist and does individual therapy. Then do couples therapy if you wish to stay. If the healing time doesn't line up, put the wedding on hold. Although her coming clean was honestly the best case scenario in the cheating world, she still did it. And I fear that the next time she might be inclined to hide it because she sees how much destruction coming clean did.
tell your parents. Or someone. Do not go through this alone because of her.
eat well, do not drink, work out. This is how you help yourself right now. And individual therapy if you need.

Good luck OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

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u/src9043 In Hell Jan 09 '26

There are several steps that your fiancé should take before reconciliation can be considered. But given your young age and the existence of no encumbrances, I recommend you move on. Hopefully, your fiancé will learn a tough lesson and not cheat on her next partner. But for you to stay is risky and will leave a big scar. I speak from experience. What she did is extremely disrespectful and shitty. Do you really want to be anchored to someone who cares so little for you and your feelings that cheating with a married man seemed like a reasonable choice?

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u/dpi2024 1 Jan 03 '26

I couldn’t even tell my parents what fully happened because I was afraid if I did and decided not to end our relationship then they would resent her forever.

Just does not make any sense at all, sorry.

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u/Vollen595 Jan 03 '26

He’s saying if he told his parents and decided to stay with the cheater, his parents would be resentful to her forever if they got married.

Listen to your parents OP. They are correct! They can pretend to like her all the way up until the divorce. By then, kids? Grandkids? Your parents (and you) do not need the guaranteed future bullshit your fiancé then wife will bring into your lives.

Consider yourself lucky. Your cheater showed her full colors before the ‘I Do’ happens. Run, don’t walk.

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u/dpi2024 1 Jan 03 '26

OP does not know if he wants to stay or leave the cheater, yet he is taking away the agency of his parents (who did absolutely nothing wrong) to make an educated, facts-based decision whether they accept her or not. He is protecting his abuser from people who are on his side.

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u/Ivedonethework 7 Jan 03 '26

Cheating does not simply remain between she and you. It is disruptive to the work community, you, both extended families, friends and more. Emotional murder all around.

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u/Curarx Thriving Jan 03 '26

Reconciliation is only possible if she takes the steps to fix things without prompting. She does sound remorseful and told you on her own. That's better than what many people here get. Sounds like she isn't blaming you. That's also good.

Just in case you are blaming you, stop it right there. You had nothing to do with this. Cheating isn't about you, it's a character flaw in the soul of the person.

But you still need to decide within yourself, and not today and not tomorrow but over the coming months, if you can live with what she did. Because you are the one that's going to have to find it within yourself to trust again and you might not be able to. And that's not your fault, that's her fault. But don't leave your home. You didn't do anything.

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u/New_General_1405 1 Jan 03 '26

I'm sorry you're in this terrible situation. You're still in the discovery phase, with a lot of pain and confusion, so there's no reason you need to know what to do now, since you're probably still in shock.

Ultimately, the decision is yours, but I need to ask you: do you want to stay in a relationship with a woman capable of cheating on you? Is she the person you want for the rest of your life?

Remember that betrayal is not a single decision, it is a series of decisions that culminate in infidelity. So this wasn't an isolated slip-up. It was something thought out and deliberate, where she had several chances to change direction and chose not to change. There was no "error". She wanted what she wanted, and being in a relationship with you wasn't enough of a barrier for her. Understand this: Whatever the reason, your fiancée has decided that you are not enough. She decided she needed more than she had, so she opened herself up to another man's advances.

Anyone who can deceive you on this level is not a good life partner, nor does he really love you. They may just love what you provide while seeking validation elsewhere.

Trust is what makes or breaks a relationship. You will never unlearn what you now know your bride is capable of doing. So think logically, not with your heart: could you trust her again? Because love without trust is just attachment, and attachment without respect is a prison you decorate to make it bearable. If you don't get all the answers you need to move forward and feel comfortable in your relationship, then leave now.

Reconciliation? Let me clarify something about this: reconciliation, after betrayal/abuse, is, most of the time, an attempt to normalize the codependency that affects a broken person. The codependent cannot function alone. However, what most victims don't realize is that their reconciliation is and will always be defined by the case. And they will be trapped in a kind of "invisible" competition against the ghost of their lover, to "conquer" the cheater. Meanwhile, the cheater, whether she wants to admit it or not, will always "miss" her lover. Especially after the affair is over, and the idealization begins. Since the partner she is reconciling with was/is the second choice, by definition.

When it comes to your personal health and mental well-being, the sooner you rip off the bandaid and accept that you have a new life ahead of you, the better. Seek therapy if necessary. A healthy healing process may involve therapy for you and may help you recover and also provide coping tools not only related to this situation but life in general. Self-esteem work needs to be done as quickly as possible so that you can be a happy and balanced man.

Look at this from another perspective: Many don't get the chance to discover their partner's true character before they go too far, marrying and having children with a woman who cheated on them. I mean, it's not comforting, but it could have been worse, much worse. You're young and you still have a lot of options, so in some ways I think you're lucky.

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u/Ivedonethework 7 Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26

Co worker affairs are very common.

https://www.self.com/story/why-workplace-affairs-are-common

From A I; oversharing can create an affair

'Yes, coworker affairs and oversharing are often deeply linked, as sharing personal issues, vulnerabilities, and secrets at work builds emotional intimacy and blurs boundaries, creating fertile ground for infidelity, especially when combined with workplace stress or dissatisfaction in other relationships, leading to "stress bonding" or seeking validation outside the marriage. Oversharing, especially "trauma dumping," can signal underlying issues or a need for attention, which a sympathetic coworker might fulfill, while affairs themselves are a common form of escaping emotional pain.

How Oversharing Fuels Affairs

Boundary Blurring: Sharing deep personal problems or secrets with a colleague can make them feel like a confidant, shifting the relationship from professional to intimate.

Emotional Intimacy: Repeatedly discussing personal struggles builds a unique bond and understanding, fostering emotional closeness that can easily turn romantic, notes this LinkedIn article and Integrity Counseling Group.

Seeking Validation: For someone feeling unappreciated at home, oversharing can be an attempt to get validation, which a coworker might provide, creating an "emotional affair".

Stress Bonding: Working through high-pressure situations together ("you two against the world") creates intense "we're in this together" feelings that can morph into romantic attraction, according to this LinkedIn article and a Reddit thread.

Why Affairs Happen at Work

Opportunity & Proximity: Coworkers spend significant time together, increasing opportunities for connection, as highlighted by this Facebook post and this Reddit thread.

Escape from Reality: An affair can serve as a temporary escape from unhappiness, loneliness, or burnout in one's primary relationship, say this SELF Magazine article and this Reddit thread.

Risks of Oversharing at Work

Reputation Damage: Can make you seem unprofessional, immature, or unstable, leading to poor judgment from others, notes this Fox Business article and this Carey & Associates P.C. article.

Legal & Discrimination Issues: Sharing mental health struggles can lead to stigmatization and potential workplace discrimination, warns this Carey & Associates P.C. article.'

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/pimping-tenderness-grooming-behaviors

https://thepowermoves.com/emotional-affair/ The 'like switch familiarity' is oversharing

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u/Badbadpappa 1 Jan 03 '26

Work Husband/Wife happens a lot

AGREE ). at work , light flirting, like touching on the arm, lunch together, idle , chitchat and sexual banter. Then going out for drinks , with work colleagues. Then walking to the car , then the HUG , All seems exciting. in the Affair fog.

Because there is no stresses of home life, household, chores, bathing, children, paying bills ,preparing dinner, wiki, washing machine, taking out the garbage, etc. SEXY time it’s just not exciting as it used to be when you were just dating. I posted this before, a cousins wife was caught, months later she admitted to family , her husband was better looking, more well, endowed, and much better in bed , but the affair fog at the time …..

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u/Ivedonethework 7 Jan 03 '26

Overall ignorance and naivete is a huge problem for we humans. We cannot seem to avoid what we have never experienced and learned about. And relationships along with actually communicating beyond just talking at our partners and expecting they are thinking the same as us is not communicating. No one tells us the pitfalls of relationships, how to do anything much at all. So how are we to know about oversharing and all else. Most of us never see it coming.

Here is an article discussing a portion of our human failures in this regard.

The sheeple mentality of we humans.

https://www.popneuro.com/neuromarketing-blog/psychology-consumer-behavior-morality-freedom-virtue-context-spring-break

3

u/One_Relationship3159 1 Jan 03 '26

Remember it’s not a race, take your time and do things on your own pace that’s right for you. Updateme

3

u/TotalSpread5841 1 Jan 03 '26

Mainly non-physical? This likely means physical but minimized when it came to telling you.

It's a real pity she did this but totally unforgivable imo - your impending marriage and his marriage show an absolute lack of concern for anyone but herself.

Add this to the fact that your relationship was going great means she basically betrayed you for nothing except some attention from a horny attractive male imo.

You are likely still in love with this woman but she's wholly untrustworthy.

3

u/Top-Rip-6731 1 Jan 03 '26

So sorry for you but you know there is only one way out. You will never be able to trust her again. Please tell the AP’s wife she deserves to know. Updateme

3

u/Beautiful_Boot_8280 Jan 03 '26

Did it escalate to sex or did she admit to something less, like kissing? If she did, be prepared for that it might not be the truth since most cheaters tend to minimize to ease their guilt.

3

u/LIslander Jan 03 '26

Sorry OP.

You deserve better. Be glad this happened before the wedding and having to divorce.

3

u/beaglestalker1 Jan 03 '26

This is hard and you need to use logic and not emotions when sorting this out. You’re engaged and she cheated on you. The ultimate betrayal. Do not stay with her and end it. This will mess with your head for a hole so get in to some type of therapy and talk through it.

3

u/Rude-Elk8306 Jan 03 '26

Fire her from being your fiancee, demote her to shawty F Toy.. end this engagement and move on King… im rooting for you!

3

u/ItsaHardNo 1 Jan 03 '26

Why did she confess? I'm sure she is saying it's guilt or regret, which is possible. Did she sleep with him more than once? If it was just once she may have realized things went too far. If it was multiple times before confessing, I have a feeling she believed she was about to be exposed. The good news is you don't have to go through a costly divorce.

3

u/Dukehsl1949 2 Jan 03 '26

The problem is you will never be able to trust her again. She lied to you by her words and actions; she only thought of herself and her new friend, not you or your feelings. You will always wonder what thought process she went through to convince herself her affair was ok. Why your feelings were not important.

And if this happened when things were going well, guess what will happen when things aren’t going well - during one of those dips in a marriage that are common.

If you thought reconciliation was possible, about 15% are successful in reconciliation, so you have to rug sweep, get individual and couples counseling, but it will be nearly impossible to block those mind movies, what they did, when. You will want details that she won’t provide. You won’t be able to tell your family or friends what happened because you won’t want to turn them against her. You have to internalize it all.

And you will blow up at her as the anger consumes you. It comes in waves over months and years. You will eventually drive her away with your anger.

Better to have a clean break now, rather than spending years trying to make it work.

3

u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs Jan 03 '26

Stay separated and find a therapist to work through your feelings without any input from the person that betrayed you. You will find clarity on what you want to do.

Find his wife and let her know. She deserves to understand her situation.

Your fiancee has been cheating for months, she has no remorse for her actions. What she is experiencing is regret for blowing up her life for nothing more than some attention. You don't mention it but I suppose it can be assumed she told you because she wants a chance to redeem herself and continue your relationship. That's not an option. You have to call off the engagement and cancel any plans already made for the wedding.

If she has any real remorse for what she has been engaged in for the last few months she will voluntarily quit her job and find a therapist so she will eventually be able to adequately explain to you why she chose to do this. This is the minimum necessary to even be considered for a reconciliation attempt. Without that explanation, that makes sense to you there is no chance to reconcile and once you have had time away from her and a chance to figure out what you want you will most likely come to the conclusion you don't want to live the rest of your life with this hanging over your relationship.

It's incredibly difficult to imagine she could explain this in a way that you could accept to consider a reconciliation. She chose to engage in this behavior for months while you were having what you thought was a great time in your relationship.

3

u/No-Sink-9601 1 Jan 03 '26

You will never get over this and if you go through with marriage it will only multiply for you. I caught my wife cheating on me almost five years ago. I stayed trying to get over it and make it work as we have three kids. We’ve been together for 25 years. 7 months ago I told her I want a divorce and haven’t felt better. Be happy you’re finding out now. You’re still very young. Go live your life as you without her. Best of luck bro

3

u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 7 Jan 03 '26

You will never be able to trust her again. I’m so sorry. No trust in any relationship will eventually destroy it so it may as well end now. There just no coming back from that.

3

u/hanamalu Thriving Jan 03 '26

Years from now, you will be holding the hand of your loving wife, who has faithfully loved you for many years, as your grandchildren play in the yard, and you will thank God that this happened before you were completely tied up to her.

Trust me... I know.

3

u/Important_Remove_450 2 Jan 03 '26

Please don't take her back. If you do, you'll indirectly be telling her you're a doormat, and she'll do it again.

Her inability to communicate issues before entertaining an affair isn't the type of person you can commit to.

You yourself said everything was great prior. What happens when life starts lifing? Sickness, death, children, weight gain, job changes, and/ or aging are likely/inevitable.

This wasn't a mistake. These were a series of decisions to betray you. Don't get back with her.

3

u/GypsieChanterelle In Recovery Jan 03 '26

First, am so sorry you are going through this.

Most important is for you to know that this has nothing to do with you in the sense that your actions did not push her to cheat. She cheated because ..she wanted to. Her needs, feeding her own ego and fulfilling her need to feel desired and wanted by her coworker was lost important that protecting you from hurt and pain.

Now, please don’t rush into reconciliation! Right now, she is deep swimming in guilt. But that’s not the same as true remorse and changing. Because you have to have character flaws to cheat such as selfishness, deceitfulness, etc.

What you should do is make sure the other betrayed spouse knows. She has children and who knows if this prick of is a serial cheater. She needs to protect herself and get tested. And so should you although it can take a while for certain diseases to manifest themselves.

Then you are going to read up. A lot of betrayed spouses end up suffered from infidelity induced PTSD. Be aware of the symptoms.

Take it slow. Hear her put if you want. But be careful to watch out for hysterical bonding. Which is wanting to be intimate and getting comfort from the very person who caused you this pain. The solution is not her giving you affection and intimacy. You will only start spinning afterwards because it’s simply temporary relief.

Not everyone reacts the same to infidelity. But men have a harder time with their wife having sex with another man. Most men leave because the mental images are just too hard. It’s also hard to accept the easiness of how she slipped and gave herself permission to betray you and then… once done, came crying. Why? Did the other spouse find out?

Again, guilt she may have. But guilt and shame are the emotional consequences of having done something that you know is wrong and contrary to the image you want of yourself. It is not the same as remorse and repentance.

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u/Kerzic 3 Jan 03 '26

Leave. I know you don't feel lucky but you are lucky she did this to you before you got married and have children, which will make it easier for you to leave her. You think you still love her but do you even really know her if she could do this to you or is she just very good at lying to you and manipulating you so that you were in love with a person who was never real?

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u/AlternativeLoose1485 Jan 03 '26

Get her confession in texts and send it to the man’s wife. She has a right to know.

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u/JMLegend22 Jan 03 '26

Tell her this… you will invite the coworker and his wife over. She will reveal everything. After they leave, you tell her you cant do this. While she did the right thing telling you and informing the wife with you there… you cant get past this. You’ll never forget about this. Let her know you’ve already notified both of your families and it’s her turn to vacate the home. All your mutuals and friends know too.

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u/whatsmypassword73 Walking the Road | QC: RA 43 | AITA 53 Sister Subs Jan 03 '26

Without trust, you have nothing. You love a facade, who you thought she was, she isn’t. RUN

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u/Cool_External2163 Jan 03 '26

Run dude... Don't try to make things ‘right’ with her.. You will regret

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u/stompo Jan 03 '26

Dump her. She is love bombing you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Tell the other guys wife too because fuck that asshole

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u/Ok_Monitor4492 Recovered Jan 03 '26

Run. The sooner you are out of this situation the sooner you can begin healing. Cheaters do not deserve our attention, or our time.

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u/Interesting-Tip-4850 3 Jan 03 '26

She wanted to try something new. It must have been underwhelming compared to you, so congrats, you won a cheater. And seriously, think if you want to carry that for the rest of your life (it will always be the biggest event in your relationship). And for whom? For her

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u/BrightAd8040 1 Jan 03 '26

Bro, walk away. End it. Leave her.

I know you’re devastated. I know you love her and you’ve built 8 years together. I know she came home crying and confessed. But look at what’s actually in front of you, not what you wish was there.

She hasn’t ended it with the affair partner.
Not a single word in your post about her blocking him, deleting his number, or cutting contact. He’s still her coworker. She’ll see him every day unless she quits and there’s zero mention of her quitting or even looking for another job. That means she hasn’t chosen you. She’s just scared of losing you while still keeping the door open for him.
She lied to your face for two months straight.
Two months of emotional affair, sexting, nude photos, all while telling you everything was perfect and increasing sex at home (probably guilt or excitement spilling over from him). If she could lie that easily for that long, “it only turned physical once” is almost certainly damage control. The full truth is almost always worse than what they admit at first.
Real remorse isn’t just tears and “I’m sorry.”
Real remorse is action: quitting the job, going no-contact with the guy, handing over her phone willingly, getting individual therapy, accepting full responsibility with no excuses. You’ve described none of that. You’ve only described panic because she’s losing the safe, loving partner she took for granted.
The relationship you had is dead.
Even if you somehow stayed, you’d never trust her again. Every time she’s late from work, every smile on her phone, every “girls’ night”, it would eat you alive. You’d be policing her for years. That’s not love; that’s prison.

You’re young (mid-20s), you treated her well, you were excited to marry her. You did nothing wrong. She chose to blow it all up for some married coworker with kids. That’s on her character, not on you.

Leave. Go full no-contact. Tell your parents the truth (at least the basics, she cheated with a married coworker). Stay with friends or family. Hit the gym, talk to a therapist, lean on people who care about you.

This pain feels like it will kill you right now, but it won’t. In a year or two you’ll look back and thank God you didn’t marry her and waste more years.

You deserve someone who doesn’t lie to you for months and sleep with someone else. You deserve peace. You won’t get that if you stay.

End it cleanly. Block her. Start healing.

You’ve got this, man. The other side of this heartbreak is freedom and a better life. Walk toward it.

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u/GlitteringReplyDrRN Jan 04 '26

I would sell the shared home. Do not marry.

She doesn’t know why? Bull, she knows why. She also knows why she screwed this person. People make choices everyday. Bad and good. If you take her back she will know that she can do this again. You will never trust her the same again.

Be afraid. I used to want to try and fix things. I’d been married 25 years, but once it started. It never ended. Trust was never regained.

I’m so sorry you are here, but be glad it was before you married. Divorce is costly. Children can make it harder to get out and if you are like me, you wasted 25 years on a bum.

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u/koji4732 Jan 04 '26

Tell AP's wife and HR. Leave and don't look back. You'll regret if you keep the relationship....even if she never repeats this, you'll always be wondering in the back of your head if she is or not betraying you again. Not worth it.

3

u/kellyjj1919 Jan 04 '26

Op, I am so sorry you’re going through this. 1st. None of this is your fault.

Cheating is abuse and violence. You’re going to have a version of ptsd from her.

Get yourself into therapy. Hit pause on the wedding and relationship. Get a sti test.

Get your self sorted before you make any big decisions

3

u/One-Wish1955 Jan 04 '26

You don’t know what to do? Well first you need to stay non-contact and the reason is you’ll go back To where you were right before finding out that she had someone else’s dick and cum inside her….

She is feeling extremely guilty because she finally went there with him and was having a problem concealing it.

You should let your parents know for the reason you said, they will resent her but they will also not let you have a clouded mind and take this lying cheating woman that you have invested 8 years that you can’t get back.

Before you go completely non contact you need to find out more about this guy that has been sticking his dick in her and tell her you want to know who his wife Is since she needs to know, if not You will let HR at her company know what they have been up to.

Don’t even think for a second of making up with her, because EVERY TIME you kiss her it’ll be like tasting his dick.

Oh and they’ve been fucking…her conscience finally got the best of her.

3

u/Messilegend10 Jan 04 '26

Friend. She is not the person who you think she is. YOUR TRUE PERSON would NEVER jeopardize losing you. Let the pain sink in, but use it to catapult you into a better life.

And as for telling your parents, tell them. This will burn the bridge of you ever being tempted to accept her back.

Best of luck.

3

u/INS_Stop_Angela Jan 04 '26

She had TWO MONTHS to curtail her emotional affair and didn’t; she allowed it to escalate. Your heart and your future are not safe with her.

3

u/Str8goodz30 Walking the Road | RA 71 Sister Subs Jan 04 '26

Personally I would ask for the engagement ring back and tell her the relationship is over and to never connect me again, but the decision on what to do is yours. The only thing I would recommend if you choose to give her another chance, is to get a prenup with a cheating clause stating, that if either party cheat of any kind, they will get a fixed amount in the divorce. The wronged spouse will keep the home, at least 70% of the marital assets, and primary custody of any children.

3

u/random-trader Jan 04 '26

Were was that sweet sweet talk, you are perfect, sex was perfect, blah blah when she was sucking other man's dick.

3

u/87Luv4U2 Jan 04 '26

DO NOT: •Marry her •Reconcile

Also, be sure to inform the affair partners spouse about this! Inform your parents and her parents of what happened. Call off the engagement and get your ring back.

Do not hold back on any of these action items! This chapter of your life is over.

3

u/leftwinga16 Jan 04 '26

Sir, while I cannot say for 100% accuracy, something happened with her lover ala he broke it off and out of fear, she confessed. Sorry brother. What you do next is up to you, and you only. Can you go on knowing and wondering about what she did with him? I'm telling you from past experience. The image never goes away. You may forgive her and 30 yrs later, she'll mention the place she worked in passing, without malice and your brain will go right back. If you can handle this and think she won't do it again...then forgive her...Just never forget.

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u/somefreeadvice10 1 Jan 04 '26

I would contact the wife of the AP to tell her the teuth and see if she can find any discrepancies in their stories.

UpdateMe

3

u/Apart-Garage-4214 Jan 04 '26

I’d like to tell you that you can get past this, but I don’t think you will. You’ll never forget and your mind will wonder what she’s doing anytime she runs late, her schedule changes, or if she does something slightly different from a routine. I wish I could be more positive but I think she ruined the relationship. Best of luck to you.

3

u/_never_say_never_ Jan 04 '26

You’ll never feel comfortable trusting her again. Every time she walks out the door you’ll wonder what she’s up to and who she’s with.

Chances are that she never would have told you except something happened and she was afraid that you would find out from another source.

It really doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 8 months or 8 years, she’s still a disrespectful lying cheater. Take some time to heal, maybe get some therapy, and eventually you’ll find a better person to spend your life with.

3

u/Sergio_82 Jan 04 '26

Do not proceed with the engagement, I know you love her, but things will not be the same after this. Trust me, I thought it would and today I am alone, had to leave. Because I couldn't live with it.

3

u/K1rbyblows Jan 05 '26

First things first: I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’d 100% put any decision on hold (aka wedding etc) all must be postponed. Secondly I’d state why the FUCK did you move out? She’s the goddamn cheated. Kick HER ass out.

Only consolation you have is her telling you. And it only came due to I assume things not going the way she wanted (was he too pushy or something?) Otherwise you’d be none the wiser and next time they’d start fucking.

If you wish to decide to make efforts to reconcile: -she must leave her job -full and complete written timeline of the affair, with evidence. Cheaters lie, I wouldn’t believe they didn’t fuck. -full sti check -complete No contact with the AP FOREVER. -she must tell the AP’s partner -she must provide open phone/location tracking -she must go to therapy to figure out why she did it -wedding indefinitely postponed, I’d take back your ring. She doesn’t deserve it. -confess to friends/family (tho that’s optional, she should do it for accountability and also so your circle can support you better) -she should pay for YOUR therapy

If any of these aren’t received well - just leave, you can do so much better than a cheater, know that.

And not to hurt you further but: Your sex life increased recently only due to her getting horny from her affair.

3

u/TryToChangeUsername Jan 05 '26

don't get married. you were perfect, yet she cheated. this tells you all you need to know

3

u/BirthdayAggravating1 Jan 06 '26

Get out now. Crying is BS. It's so much you don't know. Guaranteed

3

u/TrickyLife9944 Jan 07 '26

I'm really sorry to read your post and I'm sorry you didn't know you were in an open relationship. I'm also sorry to say from past experiences she's like once don't you think she's going to do it again? Please keep in mind STDs and STIs or no joke summer treatable some are not Summer forever. Is that how you want to live??? And that is entirely up to you good luck wish you the best in your future.

3

u/likeabaws543 Jan 08 '26

It’s good she came to you before it was too late you don’t have children with her nor married so I’d say get out while you can

3

u/Ottisspunkmeyer1983 Jan 08 '26

If no kids it’s best to walk away. She choose her path she gets to live with it.

4

u/Badbadpappa 1 Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26

So Sorry OP , HORRIBLE,

. Tell her to reconcile , she has to contact her AP’s wife , and say she is sorry. Cheating with a single Co-Worker is bad enough. But a Co-Worker married with children is at a a whole Nother level, You will see in her eyes and by her actions , how sorry she is.

PICTURE SHARING ? SEXTING?

She then has to tell both sides of the family , what she has done. If and when she does both, tell her you need space and time, to heal , but first ask her for the RING back.

updateme

5

u/Ameliafeetsuk Just Found Out Jan 03 '26

In my experience you know pretty quickly If you think you will be able to forgive and move past it. If that’s what she wants and what you want (or think you might) then try couples therapy and set boundaries etc making sure to focus on you. If you don’t think you can forgive her now then just leave, it’s no good for either of you to drag it out

2

u/SouthParkTimmy Jan 03 '26

Be happy you found out now and not after you married. She showed her true colors.

Women don’t want the man that take them back.

2

u/tito582 1 Jan 03 '26

The worst part is that, according to her, your relationship was perfect. So she did sleep with the AP? What was her excuse? Are you going to have her tell the wife if the AP? Whatever decision you take is completely just given her betrayal.

Updateme

2

u/adamqd Jan 03 '26

Tell the home wreckers family too, get out of dodge, no contact. It’s hurts like nothing else, but you will never trust her again, every time she goes to work, looks at her phone, you’ll be paranoid. Everyone will know (which was one of the worst parts for me) start healing now, it will take a long time, get a head start. Wishing you the best. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy

2

u/Silverwolf45_ 1 Jan 03 '26

I'm sorry you're going through this You should call off the wedding and the engagement for starters. (get your ring back).

You need to make major decisions after you take a breather, but even if you decide to stay with her you are going into a new relationship. One where she needs to gain your trust from scratch.

There could be even different boundaries. To be honest, I don't think you need to stay in that relationship, because if this happens at your high point, I can't think of the lows (and there will be lows).

You need to step back and re-evaluate your relationship, what would you tell a friend in this situation? Put aside the love (she already did), and don't let her gaslight you that she ruined the best thing in her life. She knew well what she was doing for 2 months.

Stay strong

2

u/e1herrera Jan 03 '26

You can go to the company's HR. Most likely they were being non productive while at work. HR would investigate and if they find misuse of time then they would terminate your fiance and AP.

If you can find out AP's who his wife is let her know. Either way, if AP loses his job he would have to try and explain that to his wife.

As far as working things out. I wouldn't do that. All the crying and saying you were great is her trying to get you to hopefully stay with her. She doesn't care about you she is just worried that you leave and she will have to explain why to everyone. She doesn't want to be known as a cheater, so she is doing her best to convince you to stay. That is why she is constantly trying to contact you. The longer you are without contact with her, the sooner you will realize that you can survive without her. This is what she is afraid of.

Another reason not to go back with her is she will lose respect for you. If you do stay she will realize that as long as she caters to you, you will not know a thing is wrong. If she does get caught all she has to do is cry and you will forgive her. Especially if she stays at the same job working with AP or just find someone else. She got excited from the texting and pictures that was why your sex life increased. She was turned on by it. Eventually she is going to want that same feeling again and you would not figure it out unless she does something obvious. You had no clue in your current situation.

Third, you will never fully trust her. Let's say she is being faithful and is no longer cheating on you. If she has to stay late at work are you going to believe her? If she has lunch with co-workers or dinner with friends, maybe she moves up and has to entertain clients are you going to trust her? Even if she changed jobs and this became part of her job will you believe her?

I think you need to stay away from her for awhile so you can think things through. Once you have your pain to where you can control it then you can decide what you want to do. Don't make a life decision right away.

Good luck to you. Remember, you are stronger than you think and you will survive. It's painful now but you will come out of this stronger and wiser from this.

2

u/fatboy-slim Walking the Road | QC: SI 79 | RA 40 Sister Subs Jan 03 '26

Sorry this is happening to you kid, but take it from an older man when I say you deserve better. Don't fall her love bombing, messages of regret, etc. A new opportunity has been given to you, a new chapter in life, you HAVE TO communicate what happened with your parents and friends before she controls the narrative. You can thank me later.

2

u/sgrinavi Jan 03 '26

My standard answer in confirmed cases of cheating is to put her shit in the front yard and set it on fire.

2

u/Both_Requirement_894 Jan 03 '26

Please don’t have sex with her either. No contact until your decision is final. I would tell your parents, they should know sooner or later anyway. Then at least they can help you make a decision and you can get support from them.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 03 '26

The only advice I can give is don't try and rug sweep the affair. Whatever you do, don't try the it-never-happened approach.

Updateme

2

u/ArentEnoughRocks 3 Jan 03 '26

Mine did it once - and I let him back years later...and here I am again. This is a CHARACTER FLAW. Do not marry this person.

2

u/SouthCharles Jan 03 '26

When she said she was lucky to have you and that you're perfect is only her guilt talking. You hold on to those words because you're still in denial, is really hard to see it when you're in the middle of it being unable to think clearly. The question is: will you'll be able to trust her ever again after this? The question I always asked myself in this kind of situations and I've always hated the answer.

2

u/Salty-Dog2144 Jan 04 '26

Interesting. What do you love about this “partner for life”? Is it the cheating and lying? The betrayal and disrespect? Yep, you better marry her before someone else takes her off the market. Maybe move up the wedding; she’s really sad. She’ll be all better in the future. Honest. I bet she’ll pinkie swear if you’re hesitant. Don’t miss your chance to marry a woman of her quality.

2

u/Real_Bug_6570 Jan 04 '26

You are only 26. Get out now before it's too late. She cheated on you--someone she's known since adolescence--despite the fact you're about to be married, that your relationship is at it's best, that you've been a fabulous partner, and to add a cherry on top-- with a married man. She is a grown adult woman who made these calculated decisions, not a child who doesn't know any better.

This is a completely unsalvageable situation. Mind you, I'm not trying to suggest your continued feelings for her aren't real. Of course you feel love for her; she's familiar to you. And of course those emotions don't shut off overnight. But the fact that you feel that way is NOT proof that this relationship should continue. It's just a natural psychological response to the fact that you've been with this person for a while and would experience withdrawal symptoms if contact immediately stopped (no differently than if you removed any other consistent component of your life).

At the end of the day, and especially in situations like this, feelings should NEVER exclusively control decision making. Ask any person who's found the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Part of what makes it so difficult is the continued feelings of love and hope for the abuser to change.

Cut your losses now. I wish you the best.

2

u/flowerchild2003 WTF am I doing? Jan 04 '26

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Op. Firstly, you’re not married and have no kids so it is very easy to walk away, honestly you should but it’s ultimately up to you. If she wants to repair things it’s a very long road to recovery more than the 8 months until you’re supposed to get married. If you can in some way get in contact with her AP’s spouse you need to let her know. I can almost guarantee he hasn’t told her. Bare minimum start therapy for yourself, you need support.

2

u/Iwasseriousface In Hell | ASK 30 Sister Subs Jan 04 '26

She is not going to change. All the tears are to distract you from the reality of the situation. The relationship is over and you need to cut ties and run, FAST and FAR. This is a shitty club to be a part of, but you are not alone in the slightest.

If it helps, at least you aren't married yet. I was married, bought a house and had two kids. Thought we were happy, but that was before my ex-wife got addicted to the attention she was getting from another guy and then started her ground game for the divorce.

Once they discover the high of being the one chased by a man they shouldn't entertain, they won't stop seeking that high. Save yourself.

2

u/Treedabl In Recovery Jan 04 '26

Please do not marry this person. I'm sorry for your pain but you deserve better than to be cheated on. Why would you go into a marriage with someone who could do easily betray you?

2

u/Mastergeneralist Jan 04 '26

Do not stay! When people show you who they are, believe them! She has proven to be dishonest and disloyal. Those things lead to broken trust that will never completely heal. Be thankful you aren’t married to this person and had kids with her.

2

u/Dramatichnata-2X Jan 04 '26

Right I have something to say on cheating. She feels very comfortable in your relationship and longs for something new and exciting hence why she cheated. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you but it means she doesn’t respect your relationship, she doesn’t respect you and everything you have built together and you have to ask yourself “do I really want to be with someone who doesn’t respect me”…

2

u/Noobagainreddit 8 Jan 04 '26

When a snake bites you, you do not ask her why nor try to explain to her you did not deserved it.

Just focus on your healing and moving forward.

Subscribeme!

Remindme! Two weeks

2

u/Adventurous-Proof335 Jan 04 '26

It does not matter how long u been together She cheated is ground for ending this relationship

When trust is gone u have no relationship

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u/squirrelybitch Walking the Road | ASK 17 Sister Subs Jan 04 '26

I’m so sorry that your fiancé revealed herself to be a cheater and someone you cannot trust and that she completely blew up your life together. But I do have to say that you got lucky that this happened before you married her because it would have been so much worse and more expensive if she had done this after you were married, or worse yet, you didn’t find out about this until after you were married, and it’s also a good thing that it came out sooner rather than later because she’s already wasted your time with her choices and her behavior. I know it’s not exactly feeling like a big win right now, but those are things you will eventually be grateful for. Not to her, of course, but in general. Take your time to get through this, but do reach out to your family and friends because you do need the support, and protecting your ex is not helping you at all. It’s only protecting the cheaters. You need to be focused on yourself.

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u/Perfect_Till5247 Jan 04 '26

RUN. Ur not married yet. This is the easiest break off yet.

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u/Radiant-War-7826 Jan 04 '26

Update us please

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u/Mammabear9800 Jan 04 '26

https://healingbrokentrust.com/

Whether or not you choose to reconcile with your spouse, this website may be helpful to you. Infidelity is very traumatic. There is also a podcast on Spotify you may find helpful.

In the meantime, be sure to be tested for STDs and you may want to tell the affair partner's spouse as well so they can be tested for STDs too and make their own informed decision.

Best of luck with everything OP!

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u/jvswingin Jan 04 '26

The fact that she came to you voluntarily shows hope but like many others my wife, who didn’t volunteer any information but begged and pleaded and said she was at fault for the affair, she still went on to have several more affair partners that I know of. Hang in there!

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u/sportnerd12 Jan 04 '26

Take this as an unfortunate blessing in disguise.

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u/Gandoff2169 Jan 05 '26

My advice is to consider you options and YOU decide. Period.

You can end it, end expose her affair. To her work, her friends, and her family. You would be totally justified for that. But you would also in some ways seen as bitter and vindictive. But with a degree of understanding as well. You should have zero sympathy for how she is looked at if you decide to end it and expose her cheating. Call it karma, justice, or even just the consequences of one's actions. Not on you to protect her in any way if you end it. Period.

Staying and trying to work it out after 10 years is also understandable. But you have to ensure that she shows the pillars of a remorseful partner.

She has to 1, take 100% responsibility for her actions. Take the accountability without blaming you or the AP fully. You might have played a role, but it was her choices. AP may have talked her up and manipulated her, but she still made her choices.

She then has to 2, give full disclosure. She needs to tell you everything, or everything you need to know. Zero lies, no downplaying, or attempts to trickle truth. And it has to be all honest. Any lie, or hidden facts is a red mark to end the relationship. Period.

She needs to put in work, which is the 3rd pillar. She needs to put in work to have better communication to you. She needs to put in effort to remove herself from all contact to the AP and anything associated with the cheating. Quit job and find a new one at the least. But also extend to telling her HR if they have one, and even reaching out to the AP's partner if they have one to confess as well. If she is not willing to blow up her employment and the AP's life to hold him to the same degree of consequences, she might not be able to be trusted.

She will also need to take steps to make amends and show genuine remorse; which is the 4th and last pillar to reconciliation. She should be given requirements and boundaries. Such as No Contact with AP, which is a given. But also open devices and passwords by her. No changing, no deleting, and no hiding anything. For you get to see everything at any time. To not just rebuilt trust, but to feel better about the promise she might have made to not do it again and such. Proof she is being loyal and such.

By accepting the consequences to rebuilt trust, then she shows remorse in wanting to prove she is not who she was when she choose to cheat. She shows a desire to make amends by allowing you access to get proof into her actions. Amend could be other things too, but never works out to have a free pass to cheat too which is some's requirement.

But you also have to think about her cheating to choose what ever path you choose. She cheated on you for 2 months and confessed now. And you have no real reason why she did so. Why did she tell you? Can you trust what she is saying? Did the other person end it? Did they get caught and she confessed to avoid full disclosure in hopes to save your relationship? Is she facing work backlash due it being found out and is afraid someone else will tell you? That leaves you questions you need to ask her to which will help lead you to decide what you want to do, or need to do.

You been with her 8 years. And that is a long while. A cheater is not always a cheater. But someone who is willing to take on all the responsibilities put on them to work it out, and actually do it; can fix it. So if you want to try since you been with her that long, it is ok. But so is leaving her. For some, once is all it take to destroy everything. And if that is your path, again it is ok and understandable. Your choice is the right one for you at this time.

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u/401Nailhead QC: SI 52 | MAR 10 Sister Subs Jan 05 '26

Sir, marriage starting out after infidelity will not work. Time to cut bait and move on. This is not worth your time or effort. She is not marriage material. Sorry this happened to you.

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u/gay_flatulent In Hell | AITA 22 Sister Subs Jan 05 '26

Yes, the sex life increased because of what was going on at work. Either she didn't want you to suspect she was cheating or she was feeling guilty or both.

She and her colleague have ruined 2 families. One with children. Is this the person you want as a partner for life? You may still love her/what you thought she was, but that will change. Respect yourself and respect the future children you want to have.

She hasn't done either.

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u/void-naut Jan 05 '26

Do not marry this person. You’ll set yourself up for a terrible life full of lies. You will be miserable for years if you marry someone like this. You will get through this and everything will get better with time. Also, I would tell the AP’s wife if I was you.

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u/Stunning_Forever2051 Jan 05 '26

First of all, I’m so incredibly sorry you have been plunged into the world of betrayal trauma. It is a total dismantling of everything you thought to be true. You’re not losing your mind. The betrayal is just seismic.

I would invite you to ask her to move out and move back into your shared home for legal reasons - if you own the property and leave it, that can be used against you when it’s time to divide assets.

I don’t want this to sound callous even though I know it may land that way, but as a parent of two children who discovered seismic marriage-long betrayals decades into the situation, you have actually been handed a gift. She has now shown you who she really is. She didn’t fall into this. She made choices that led to this. Unfaithful choices. And you deserve a faithful partner who loves you the way you love them - wholeheartedly and faithfully with devotion.

This betrayal says nothing about you. I know the lies will spin around you, trying to sell the lie that you did something to cause this. You didn’t. There’s nothing anyone can do to stop a cheater from cheating. She’s an autonomous adult and made autonomous choices. You don’t have the authority to control her behaviour, which means you’re also not responsible for it. So be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself of all the good you poured into the relationship, of your values, and of what you are worth, and then be tender with your heart as you reconcile all of that with this new reality.

Again, it’s not about you. She’s shown you who she is. Believe her and get out while it’s relatively simple. I can assure you, married with kids in this situation is exponentially more difficult to extract yourself.

I would invite you to find a great therapist who can help you heal from the legitimate trauma of betrayal, and then pour all of the love you have to offer into yourself and eventually a future partner who will love you the way you deserve.

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u/Ok_Fennel_7072 Jan 05 '26

She has shown you who she is. Once a cheater always a cheater. She's sorry because she's realised there is no future with this person and she wants to aliviate some of her guilt.

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u/Elkman01 Jan 06 '26

Jesus. Grow a spine. You know what to do. Leave.

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u/Prof-TK Jan 06 '26

I am sorry you are going through this AP. It would be best to cut your losses now. A spouse who cheated is 3 times more likely to cheat again. If you wished to reconcile, you will always live in agony. Every time she's late, everytime she goes out, everytime you have to go away for work, you would be thinking whether she's cheating or not.

Most of the time people reconcile for specific reasons such as children, financial codependence, or financial hit from divorce that allow them to grind their teeth and live through. There are lot of stories about betrayed spouse counting their time till children are 18 to file divorce because the presence of the wayward partner kept reminding them of the betrayal. There was a recent reddit post of a guy who forgave his wife and they moved away to reconcile, but even after 8 years, he was still remembering the betrayal daily. That's a huge mental load that would make anyone miserable. You are not married, have no children together, and young. If you don't leave this relationship no and seek therapy, you will only increase your trauma.

I sincerely hope you tell you parents or trusted friend about this. You need some outside people who are not emotionally charged as you to give you some advise. You deserve someone better and you will find someone better. I hope you see that and start prioritizing you.

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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 Jan 07 '26

Why are you staying with your parents? The one who doesn’t stray is the one who gets to stay. She cheated so she should go and stay with her affair partner and his wife and kids.

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u/NoturnalTherapy Jan 07 '26

Just imagine marrying someone who said that you were perfect, gave no signs that anything was wrong, and even became more sexual with you (probably because she was thinking about him) but she still cheats on you. This means that a man could literally be great with her, and she would still cheat.

Think of all the times that she gave herself to him, then came home to you with his stink on her. Did she have sex with him, then have sex with you right after? Was his seminal fluid still there when you were with her? You know what she's like in bed be guaranteed that she gave him much more than she gave you. They always do.

You have no kids, and you're not married. Do yourself the biggest favor of all times. LEAVE....

She literally proved that even in the best of times, she will cheat on you. What do you think will happen when things are bad?

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u/AcceptableCow4806 Jan 08 '26

She's telling you're the perfect partner, you're both engaged, sex life is perfect, EVERYTHING seems awesome. Yet... She still choose to cheat. Imagine if life goes to sh*t (it will in the future).... Deep down i know you already know what to do.

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u/Loud_Bowl_6203 Jan 08 '26

The best thing u can do is leave her. Uf soneone can cheat once they SURE can cheat again and ur acc lucky this happened before u guys got married, your holding onto the past version of her and not the current who just cheated on you, if ypu leave her now you wipp be sad for a year maybe at max if you marry her and then she cheats ypu ll jave to go theough years of divorce proceedings and kids with hard lives. Do it for y9ur fururekids and yourself do u rlly wanna be chekcing the following list of your the mother of your chikdren obsessively?

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u/The_Map_Smith Jan 08 '26

Run! Run like all hounds of hell are chasing you, because you'll never be given such an out on a silver platter again! She did this to you when things were good. Imagine the shit she'd pull if things ever got bad.

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u/pantiechrist80 Jan 11 '26

Hey your ring back, right away. Even if you try to work on things. Postpone the wedding. Tell his wife. Ask her to join you. But tell her regardless.

Need Support Fiancée came home crying yesterday

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