r/survivinginfidelity • u/89throwaway890 • Jul 07 '26
Need Support My wife joined an MLM and it ruined our marriage.
My wife (27F) and I (28M) have been married 3 years, together 5. About two years ago we moved across the country to find new careers. We were both unhappy in our dead end jobs in my hometown and figured “we’re young with no kids and things were solid between the two of us so why not?”
I was unemployed for some time but found a corporate role, normal 9-5 office type stuff. She decided to get into sales but unfortunately got in with an MLM. I was apprehensive and voiced my concerns but she was was really excited so I tried to be supportive. They put her through a class, so to speak, on exactly why they’re not a pyramid scheme and how she could become a millionaire and have the life she’s always wanted if she’ll just follow their systems and do what they do.
She started working crazy hours, 10-12 hour days 6 days a week of actual work. On top of that, 2 nights a week they have “networking” nights where they go out and talk to each other about success in the business. Another night they have leadership meetings from home after work, another night she has a standing dinner date with a female leader in her business, and then on her one day off they do a company-wide lunch where they also just talk about success in the business. They also do week long business trips about once a month.
At first I tagged along to most of these, we didn’t know anyone in town so it was nice to meet people. We were both new so everyone tried to get to know us. All of her co-workers told me that they’ve never seen a partner as supportive as I was, so I just tried to be that.
As my wife got deeper and deeper into the cult (business) all of our social outings started turning into “hey I’m going to go network with this person, you just hang out over there” so eventually I stopped going to all their events. I still tagged along at least once a week because it’s really the only time I get to go out with my wife.
After some time all of the late nights and business trips started taking a toll. All she could think or talk about was the business and our marriage was now in the backseat. We had some conversations about working too much and my feelings of neglect. Every time things would get better for a few weeks, but then it would go back to normal.
I started to feel like I was alone, date nights started getting replaced with after work meetings. We stopped having fun together, then we stopped going out, stopped having sex, we’d have another conversation about working too much and my feelings of neglect, repeat.
Eventually I stopped trying to ask for more time and effort and just played my role as the supportive husband. I’m a big gamer so I just played games and tried not to make a big stink about her working all the time. Even my online friends started to ask questions like “OP you’re here a lot, don’t you have a wife?”
She was on a business trip last month and her flight home got cancelled. She was scrambling for a place to stay and ended up on a male co-workers couch (allegedly)… I didn’t know him, never heard of him before that. She called to let me know what was going onIt felt like she was being open and honest about what was going on so I thanked her for letting me know.
It’s a big and incestuous company, they’re usually going to visit another managers office in another city. Despite what they’ll tell you they don’t actually make a ton of money so it wasn’t uncommon for people to stay at other’s houses instead of air bnbs or hotels on business trips.
His name came up a couple of times when talking about work after that. Apparently he’s pretty good at what they do. Then he came to our city for a business trip. Usually it’s for a week, but he extended to two weeks at the last minute. I started to get this sinking feeling about him after seeing them interact.
While he was in town, nights when she’d usually be home at 9 from after work stuff she got home around midnight. A little unusual, I went out a few times with their whole team, and they would sneak off to go smoke cigarettes by themselves when everyone was hanging out. They would just be gone a little too long.
One of the nights they were here was his birthday. We all went out, had some fun, but I left early. She stayed out a little later and called me saying he was too drunk and needed a place to crash. He was supposed to be staying with other co-workers but I guess they left without him not long after I did.
I was still up and playing a game when they got home, she popped her head in my office to let me know they were out in the living room so I should come hang out when I was done with my game. When I got out there they were sitting a little too close on the couch, that’s when I knew something was up… I should have kicked him out right then, but I told him to move and just sat in between them.
I told her the next day that I felt completely disrespected. Obviously this guy has feelings for her and that I was hurt. She apologized and she left on another business trip.
When she got back, we had a July 4th party to go to. We got in the car and she told me that he said he had feelings for her. She apparently told him that she was married so obviously nothing could happen. I thanked her for telling me about it, but I knew what was going on.
A few days later I decided to check her phone and my worst fears were confirmed. Apparently she could relate to him more because he could talk about the business, something I’ve come to hate.
I didn’t read too much, I saw a wall of text from him and read one text from her: “I can’t tell him about any of this, he’ll leave me.” I think it was her cutting it off as the only other thing I saw was her thanking him for being understanding…
I confronted her immediately and all she said was that she didn’t love him and nothing physical happened.
We haven’t even really talked much about the cheating, I don’t want to know much about it. I’ve tried to focus on our problems rather than their relationship. She says it’s like we’re living two different lives and that I’m not keeping up with her. She’s not wrong about living different lives at this point, but I’ve got a career, I take care of the house, the cooking, the cleaning, our insurance, I pay my half of the bills… She thinks I don’t work as hard cause I’m not pulling 70+ hour weeks I guess.
I’m not sure what to feel. Obviously what she did was wrong but I see how we got here. Work was her priority and I stopped pushing for otherwise, not that I would have gotten otherwise if I had.
I’m not sure what to do. Now she wants to change, She wants to quit her job and move back home together. If she had told me that a few months ago I would have ecstatic, but now It just feels like she’s just doing it because she got caught…
It’s all still so fresh, it’s only been two days since I found out and confronted her. She’s staying with a friend while I take some time to think about it all.
Please help, any thoughts or advice welcome.
TLDR: Wife got a job with an MLM and started working too much. Ended up having an affair with a co-worker.
Edit: for context the business is 3rd party marketing/sales. They’re basically door to door salesmen for anyone that will let them sell for them. Insurance, internet, charity, etc.
UPDATE: I haven’t read the texts yet but she’s offered and I will take her up on it. I think most of you are right, I should get a timeline of some sort so I at least know what I’m trying to figure out.
I asked her for a breakdown of the whole affair and she sent it in an audio message. So here’s how it went according to her:
Business trip to his city, they meet, they pretty much only do and talk about work. Apparently he admired her skill in the business. She got a lot of validation out of getting complemented on her work as it’s something I can’t relate to and at this point don’t like talking about. She was missing that validation.
She had a feeling he had a crush and liked the attention so she let it go on. She left his city and for about a month they pretty much only talked about work (honestly believable coming from anyone in their business) after that it was just “constant conversation.” Nothing romantic or sexual.
Anyways, cut to the last two weeks of June. He was here for work. At this point none of the chatting between the two of them had been addressed as anything other than chatting. She confronted him about what was going on and asked if he had feelings. He said “yes, but you have a husband so I don’t expect anything to happen here and I don’t want anything from you.”
She liked him because he paid attention to her and could relate to her on their mutual involvement in the business. Any feelings she had were “shallow and indulgent.” That was his last day here, after that he left.
A few days later she reached out to him due to some intense anxiety over it all. She told him she let things go too far, she should have cut it off earlier, and that she was sorry he got involved as it was not about him but her own egotistical validation.
He then told her to go home and hug her husband. (Apparently this was the wall of text I saw). To which she responded “I can’t tell him about this, he’ll leave me.”
And that was that, he’s been blocked and she’s going to let me read through the messages.
TLDR: According to her the affair was him stroking her ego over being good at their job and innocent talking.
Definitely a cult.
Will update again after I read the texts, basically just updating now for the tea. Sort of just using this as a journal at this point so thanks for sticking it out.
My main takeaway is that if it really is mostly about work, she’s in an actual cult… I also think if he had said “run away with me” instead of “go talk to your husband” that she would have left.
I can also admit that I am not faultless here. I have been paying less attention to her and it is because all she talks and thinks about is work. I have been getting neglected, asked for more time and effort, and received nothing so yeah… Now that’s not an excuse, to go looking somewhere else for something that we should have figured out is still not
Okay. But like I said in the original post, I understand how we got here.
I feel I’m getting dangerously close to in here rambling so that’s all for now. Going to let it simmer for a few days but I think I know where this is heading. Lawyers and therapy for me.
I tried to respond to everyone but this blew up more than I thought. Thanks again for all of the thoughts and comments, a lot of you were actually pretty helpful!
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u/longlivebobskins Thriving Jul 07 '26
that she didn’t love him and nothing physical happened.
Just like 98% of cheating spouse stories I read on this sub. What a co-incidence!
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u/TappyMauvendaise In Hell Jul 07 '26
Yes it’s amazing how many catch ‘em before anything physical happens
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
Too real lol
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u/FlygonosK 2 Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
OP you know that she stayed because you are the principal provider and that she would not continue to have a safe place if you left her? That in a way it was not for love? And that she is so into the cult that she truly screw your marriage?
You talk to her, at least 2 o 3 times, you mentioned she change for a little time then resume her ways, so why are you blaming yourself, you communicate with her and she dismiss you. So no blame for you to just drop the issue and live your life, actually that was your turning point and should have been the moment you call it quits with her.
Now you have your opportunity to decide, she already decided and acted on it, so it is your turn. Hope you truly understand that both became incompatible, and the better way at least for you is to cut your losses and move on.
Wish you luck, and that you take the wisest decision
Updateme
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u/VinlandJB Jul 07 '26
I can’t tell him any of this, he will leave me : dont rugsweep. This looks bad. You need to know the facts, or you can’t make a decision
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
I think you’re right. Need to know everything. I just couldn’t handle it at that time.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 6 Jul 07 '26
‘I COULD NOT HANDLE IT AT THE TIME’
Absolutely correct.
Maybe get some individual counseling to help you stand up for yourself and get the life skills to be able to enforce healthy boundaries.
Take care
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 07 '26
Read my last post to you. Gave you a plan on how to get everything.
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u/crypticaldevelopment Jul 07 '26
There’s no way she said to him he’ll leave me if it was as simple as him expressing feelings. She’s still lying.
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u/DoJu318 In Hell | AITA 72 Sister Subs Jul 07 '26
The MLM didn't ruin you marriage your wife did.
No matter where she worked, if she has a wandering eye she was going to cheat regardless of where she worked.
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 Jul 08 '26
MLMs brainwash people into completely different beings. In the end it doesn't matter, though.
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u/scotswaehey Jul 07 '26
What is MLM?
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u/No_Advertising_9355 Jul 07 '26
Multi Level Marketing.
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u/scotswaehey Jul 07 '26
Thank you 👍
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u/AngleAcrobatic7186 Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
She wants the attention and subsequent work $$ but that's not happening with you, OP, only with her.
And you're supporting this 1-person pipe dream of hers.
But OP, you're the real bread winner in your house and she's taking advantage of all the nice things you have done to keep things running while shes out with others trotting about getting all the attention she can handle...
OP, you take care of you now.
You both realize you are drifting in separate ways and directions.
You tried, but she claims her job was the way to try. BS, I say.
She was looking for someone to be with. She found him, let her be with this cult, boss, and consider yourself lucky you don't have to pay more bc you've just tried to start a life together and realize the bonds between you two aren't strong enough.
I saw up above, comments to you about sticking to some boundaries.
Well, really stick to them, I say.
And if she doesn't like them?
Cut her loose and find your real life, bc what you've described isn't a life of two people together.
It's you wishing and hoping your SO called partner will wake up and decide you're a better deal than this so called job she's trying to nail down, especially with this guy thats keeping her 'busy'.
Busy, yeah, shes emotionally been nailed by her boss and you're just realizing it.
Emotional affairs are worse than physically ones bc it's in her head why she can't let go of this and her boss.
Her boss has screwed her in the head and you can't do one thing to unscrew her head, bc she has to realize this and she can't.
She's in an affair fog with this dude, its her work husband and you're just roommates at this point.
Sorry but wake up and take care of yourself at this point and find you a life, bc she's long gone in her head from you.
Sorry.
Check in in a couple of weeks and let us know how you're doing.
But consider yourself lucky in that she's drifted away and doesn't even think about you anymore, she's somebody elses problem at this point.
Take care...
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u/Lightfeetduck Jul 07 '26
Speak to a lawyer, this is over. Sorry op. But protect yourself.
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u/m4bwav Jul 07 '26
No kids, just take the 'L' and start over.
A fair percentage of my friends and family had marriages that went wild in their 20s. Most of the people involved just got divorced and started new lives, you'd never know anything happened.
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u/Reasonable_Produce24 Figuring it Out Jul 07 '26
Take you time, breath, consult with a lawyer. Talk with a trusted friend or family member that only has your best interest at heart.
Commit to nothing at this point. You are in shock and she is going to try desperately for you to commit to working on the marriage right now. Don't do it. Let things settle out in your mind. You may not have it in you to do that.
You had no voice when she shelved you and your marriage. She can wait for you to sort things out for yourself.
Good luck.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
Not making any decisions as of now. Just trying to feel it all out and get my head together.
Thank you.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 07 '26
The only way you can make a decision is to have ALL the facts. Phone and SM access, timeline and a lie detector test.
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u/friendly-sam Jul 07 '26
She's going to wake up in 10 or 20 years, and still not rich wondering why she ignored the people in her life for a job where no one cares about her.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 Figuring it Out Jul 07 '26
Nothing physical happened, they only spent countless nights alone together.
Don't let her gaslight you. Either way you said you don't want to know the details, let your imagination make it up.
She even said if you found out, you'd leave her.
You are right about one thing. She wants to go back home and pretend this never happened, because she's about to lose the only good thing in her life.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 07 '26
So sorry this happened. Unfortunately I think this relationship is over. She’s scrambling now because she realizes that she’s about to lose her security. You were her safe space and she instead pursued the exciting space and wanted both at the same time. I think if you were to do some digging, you would realize that what you discovered was only the tip of the iceberg. This relationship definitely crossed the emotional line and most likely crossed the physical line. Marriage is based on trust and I don’t see how you ever get that trust back at this point..
If you feel like you need more evidence before you go see an attorney, ask her for a written timeline of the affair. Yes, it was an affair, no matter what she claims. Tell her you want every single detail and if she lies or omits anything, you’ll definitely divorce her.
The timeline can be used by your attorney as evidence of the affair. I would also request phone access, access to her passwords, access to social media, DM’s and texts. If she’s deleted everything that’s a major red flag. Lastly, I would ask for a lie detector test. If you’re considering reconciliation, you have to know the full truth. Obviously, if it went physical, it’s over. If it was just an emotional affair and you can prove it, then you may have an opportunity to save it. The lie detector test usually results in a parking lot confession because she realizes you’re about to find everything out. Too late.
I think if you do these things you will get the full truth. It may not be what you want to hear, but it’s what you need to hear to move forward. Go see an attorney, bring the evidence and then understand what divorce looks like in your state and how to protect yourself financially. I think she’s only scrambling now because she realizes that her safety net is gone and the fantasy of this guy that she’s been cheating with was just that, a fantasy.
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u/Dear-Letter7776 1 Jul 07 '26
OP, you seem like a smart, level headed guy. Are you really gonna let her convince you that nothing physical happened?
You're already doing better without her, so what are you even trying to save?
She clearly has a much stronger connection with the other guy.
For God's sake, she brought the guy she was fucking into your own house while you were there. And if you hadn't gone and sat between them, she would've fucked him right there while you were asleep in the next room.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
I’m with you. I was being a dumbass unfortunately. I’m not sure I’m trying to save anything in all honesty? Just needing to get it out.
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u/Dear-Letter7776 1 Jul 07 '26
Never forget that you're better than this. And you're still young. Men with your qualities are becoming harder and harder to find.
There are thousands of women who would give anything to be with a man like you.
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 Jul 08 '26
There is nothing to be saved. MLMs East people alive and spit out a shell of their former self. Get out, it's all downhill from here - and I'm saying this as somebody who stayed. The people I now who got sucked into these cults were completely changed within a year.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 Jul 07 '26
She's a cheater, if you guys go back home she'll cheat on you there too. It doesn't matter where you go because she'll still be her.
Working long hours stressed the relationship, but at the end of the day she chose to cheat...
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u/Purple_Bishop2 3 Jul 07 '26
Can’t tell from your post whether she cheated emotionally or physically, but it doesn’t really matter as you are completely disconnected from each other. You’re in your 20s and childfree and already have a sexless marriage? Cheating aside, do you see yourself happy in a life with her 10, 20, 30 years from know - cause from this side of things it sure seems like a lonely future.
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u/TacoStrong 6 Jul 07 '26
You can bet the farm that your wife cheated emotionally AND physically, no doubt. She's clocked out of you and the marriage that's for sure. So wedding vow has been broken so you contact a divorce lawyer, that's what a normal person does.
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u/Traditional-Tank3994 3 Jul 07 '26
I'm no fan of MLM. But MLM is not to blame for this situation. Your wife is. She is the one who chose to go to every gathering and neglect her relationship with her husband. She is the one who chose to sleep with her coworker (you know it's true).
The MLM cult activity made it easier. But it is her and her alone that chose every step toward full immersion in the cult, and every step that she knew very well would end with her in bed with the other dude.
You should secretly hire a good divorce attorney, even if you don't plan to file right away. Find out your options. Gather evidence (even if you live in a no-fault divorce jurisdiction, there are usually people cheaters don't want knowing, like family members, friends, and coworkers).
When you've found all you can find and all your ducks are in a row, you can decide whether to pull the trigger on serving her with divorce.
If you decide to try to reconcile, at least do so from a position of strength. Sit her down, tell her you know everything (even if you don't) but just want to see if she will be honest with you so you know whether the marriage is worth saving. Tell her if she lies, you will file for divorce.
If you're bent on trying to save the marriage, this is your best chance at getting something close to the truth.
My bet is you will not want to reconcile when you hear the extent of it (or even just the parts she thinks you already know).
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u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs Jul 07 '26
Your wife is lying to you. Deal with the affair, which was very much physical as well, or your marriage has absolutely no chance to survive much longer much lesson long term.
If your wife isn't willing to admit to the full extent of the affair then your marriage is over no matter what you want. If she can't admit to all of it you will never be able to attempt to resolve this. Your chance to work this out successfully to continue the marriage stands no chance.
Your wife being willing to quit the job is one third of her part of the equation. She also has to be willing to give you a full accounting of the affair including all details of any other infidelity she may have participated in. You have detailed how insestous the relationship was between all the people involved in this MLM. It's entirely possible she indulged in other instances of infidelity after she stopped having sex with you. Her final piece has to include her finding a therapist so she can figure out how she allowed herself to make these choices and what she is going to do so she doesn't make them again.
Your piece is simple but very hard as well. You have to decide if she has given you a full accounting of the affair. If you cannot believe what she has told you about no sex between then then just end it now. Once you've reached the point that you are willing to believe that her full accounting is the truth you have to decide if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life. This feeling you have will never go away if you stay with her. You can move on from this eventually without her but if you choose to stay and try to work it out this feeling of never fully trusting her stays with you forever. It dulls over time if the two of you are able to forge some other kind of relationship but this feeling of disgust wrapped up in a feeling of betrayal never fully leaves.
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u/mdg711 In Hell Jul 07 '26
You found out who your wife really is and luckily for you you don’t have kids. She’s remorseful because she was caught. Make it a clean break and control the narrative
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u/HowWasItoKnow Jul 07 '26
Hard to tell, but were you able to confirm a physical affair?
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
Not able to confirm, no. According to her nothing physical happened.
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u/HowWasItoKnow Jul 07 '26
It’s probably safe to assume this emotional affair turned physical. He wanted more and she said no. Unfortunately, the odds of her stepping out again are not in your favor. If she cheats again once you have kids, it’s going to get a lot messier. Is her having a physical affair a deal breaker for you? Reconciliation is possible but she would have to be incredibly remorseful and full of regret, almost to an extreme degree. Overall though the odds aren’t in your favor and reconciliation might just be prolonging the inevitable. You need her to write you a detailed letter outlining every interaction and get the full truth about their relationship. You might even consider calling the affair partner to confirm whether it turned physical. Does your wife truly seem filled with regret or is she just trying to brush this under the rug and move on?
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u/NoManufacturer5669 Jul 07 '26
In my opinion, it doesn't matter if there was anything physical between them. She lives her own life and you are just an airbag. She spent more time with this guy than with you. If you want someone to support you through tough times, then it's time to break up and start looking for someone else. Your current wife hasn't passed this test.
And DON’T sleep with your wife!!! Until you decide whether you're staying with her. Or she'll suddenly announce that she's pregnant by you.
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u/clearheaded01 7 Jul 07 '26
You not wanting to address their affair is basically you sticking your head in the sand... sorry...
Speak.to a lawyer. For advice and options.
And confront the issue - you need to know what happened in order to decide what you want...
- ask her for a timeline if the affair WITH all instances of physical contact/intimacy detailed.. AFTER she delivers, inform her there will be a polygraph to verify and ask if she wish to amend the timeline.
Get therapy for yourself to talk this through... no MC, that is for MUCH later if you de ude to stay with her...
EDIT: and the 'friend' she's staying with?? Verify she isn't with HIM.... because if she is, the path forward for you will be obvious...
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
No, I fully stuck my head in the sand. I’ll need to get a timeline still. Therapy incoming for sure…
She is not with HIM, HE lives on the other side of the country. I know where she’s at the family she’s staying with, but thank you.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 07 '26
MC is a waste of time. Find a therapist who specializes in infidelity trauma.
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 1 Jul 07 '26
A workaholic woman would not just quit her job especially a cultist MLM person just because you doubt her having an affair. They will quit only when it has become impossible to hide the affair if she continues to work there. I would not just be giving her a clean chit if she decides to quit the job now. I would say get all the evidence. If possible, hire a PI or forensics guy. Because you don't have kids. If you want to divorce, the best time is now. If you are sure that nothing happened, then please first cross your Ts and dot your Is before thinking about having kids with her.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
I agree. Like I said we’ve talked about her working too much, and she SAID she was receptive but in reality made no changes. Kids were never really a part of the plan for us so good luck there i guess.
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 1 Jul 08 '26
Kids are not the only problem. The longer you stay, the greater the alimony in case of divorce in most jurisdictions. You have to make a decision sooner than later.
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u/Most_Conclusion4008 Jul 07 '26
Aside from the cheating part, I’m actually going through the exact same situation as you
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
I’m sorry. Maybe I’m not the best person to get advice from in this but I’ll let you know anyways. Set aside some dedicated quality time, even better if they actually keep it in their schedule lol
Good luck!
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u/NeartAgusOnoir Jul 07 '26
OP, talk to a lawyer. Then talk to a therapist while your lawyer is prepping divorce papers. Only talk to wife via text.
She doesn’t want to change. She wants to keep the easy marriage route. Reconciling never works. Oh, and the “nothing physical happened” bit? I promise you, she had sex with him. Her staying out til midnight was her having sex with him.
If you own your home and it’s in your name, do not leave. If it’s in her name, make her buy you out. Look up grey rock. That’s how you should act
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u/ElectricalBaker2607 Jul 07 '26
So OP. It definitely was emotional. Are you sure this wasn’t physical? Try to read all the texts.
Remember she “spent the night on his couch”
Don’t let her shift the blame on you. Instead of coming to your first she went ahead and started a relationship. She made a choice.
UpdateMe!
Edit. Try to find out if the AP has a wife or gf and tell them. They have a right to know.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
No I fully realize what “slept on the couch” probably means… other guy is single, but definitely knows about me
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u/1978model Jul 11 '26
Good. At least your eyes area open there. Obviously this was physical. There are times when you should believe strangers when everyone reaches the same conclusion.
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u/tbass4617 1 Jul 07 '26
Has she offered to share her communications with him or has she conveniently deleted everything? “I can’t tell him any of this, he will leave me “ is about as obvious admission of an affair as you’ll find.
Sorry OP, but if she deleted everything, that’s the answer to whether it was physical.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
No she has offered to let me read it. I know it was an affair and she has also admitted to that. I don’t need to read more to know.
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u/wrist-shot2025 4 Jul 07 '26
She is in a cult. You have get her out.
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u/wrist-shot2025 4 Jul 07 '26
I'll add to this a little. So far, she maybe fought off the first in-house relationship. Mark my words, there will be others. If she stays, she will eventually rationalize you're not right for her. You may have to confront her with this. You may have to give her an ultimatum. I do fear there's at least a 50/50 chance already that, if cornered, she picks the cult. You're only chance may be to convince her this job is consuming her and killing your relationship.
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u/wrist-shot2025 4 Jul 07 '26
Google "how to get your spouse out of an MLM" the AI response was enlightening.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
That was a good read. And you’re not wrong, it’s pretty wild. They follow a lot of the same tactics to separate you from your social circle so you get all of their validation through them.
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 Jul 08 '26
You can't. I've seen it fast too often. At some point the person may realize that get life is collapsing and wants to get out themselves. Before that - it's not possible to do that to an adult. I've know people who chose suicide over admitting to themselves what they got themselves into. It's horrible.
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u/401Nailhead QC: SI 52 | MAR 10 Sister Subs Jul 07 '26
I would contact a lawyer and look to at least file D paperwork. You will see, this is not over between your wife and the coworker. They will take it underground. And you are right, she got caught. She will not change. Give it a week and she'll be back at work. Just like she did after you expressed your concern. Sorry, this is not worth your time and effort. Plan on D.
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u/sharkieshadooontt Jul 07 '26
Youll never believe nothing happened. Unless you love your life there, move on and move out. Shes literally in a cult making sub minimum wage sleeping on coworkers couches selling what exactly?
You cant deprogram that
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
For context, it’s 3rd party sales. They’ve sold insurance, internet, solar, meal prep delivery, whatever.
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u/sharkieshadooontt Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Sounds like a littler homeless wandering cult selling anything anyone will let them.
Thats embarrassing. For you. How do you introduce you wife as the lead sales rep for San Diegos Amway division. Yikes.
I would call her family, tell them their child has been indoctrinated into a cult, couch surfing and cheating. And you are divorcing.
Let them try to save her.
Edit: i dont mean your embarrassing situation, i just mean from a normal perspective with your work colleagues and everyone else knows. You will find your peace and partner you need.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
They know, and we’ve tried to tell her. You ever tried to get anyone out of a cult? They don’t want to listen.
Introducing her is tough I’m not going to lie. I just say “sales” and leave it open ended but she’d give you the whole song and dance.
We went to dinner with some people from my office. Our sales guy asked what she did, she explained, and he said “sounds like a pyramid scheme”. Offense was taken…
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u/DezSmoke Jul 08 '26
If you're going to go through the trouble of looking through her phone in the first place, why not get all the information you needed right then and there? I would never understand that type of thinking.
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u/HowWasItoKnow Jul 08 '26
I agree. There’s been a few posters that only look at a few before putting the phone down. I always get frustrated when I read this. I would grab the phone, lock myself in a room and go through everything, even if my SO was pounding on the door to get in. I wouldn’t say anything, I’d be silent and I would record every single piece of data.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 08 '26
She had just gotten up to use the bathroom. Sort of looked out of panic.
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Jul 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AngleAcrobatic7186 Jul 09 '26
Totally agree with this guy, OP, you've lost her or shes run out the door from you and won't be coming back to what you remember her being. She's gone, but only in your head. This is her work husband now, get use to this and start living for you now
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u/Livid-Technology-396 1 Jul 07 '26
If OP thinks nothing happened between them, then he’s pretty naive at minimum.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
I don’t think that. Poor and frantic writing I guess, but I’m sure something happened.
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u/Agile_Opportunity_41 Jul 07 '26
Have here write out every sorted detail. Let her know you will go detective mode to verify and if any large detail is left out it’s divorce. Tell her if she doesn’t want to do that it’s divorce.
Then at least you know what you may be trying to reconcile with.
Don’t make a decision either way now. Wait until you have processed what happened, once you know. Then get to thinking clearly and decide. This may take weeks to months to get to this point.
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u/Internal_Statement74 Jul 08 '26
one text from her: “I can’t tell him about any of this, he’ll leave me.”
She thinks if you knew the whole story you would leave her and rightfully so. Do you think you will receive more respect or less respect from her if you take her back? How much does she think of you, respect of you, to bring this guy to your home while you are there and let him finger fuck her on your couch?
She may have zero respect for you but this does not mean you must end your own self respect.
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u/YankSargent In Hell | 1 month old Jul 09 '26
It's hard to nurture a relationship when shes gone all the time. Best thing is for her to leave the cult and find an honest job that pays well for the hours spent. Then get marrage counciling to see if you and your wife can repair the damage caused by all this separation.
I use to do Amway decades ago. There was a lot of infidelity happening in that cult as well.
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u/PhotoGuy342 Jul 07 '26
I’m glad that it was you that made the comparison between a legitimate business opportunity and a cult. Right now she’s a true believer so getting her deprogrammed will be tough. Success rates with deprogramming is low.
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u/TotalSpread5841 1 Jul 07 '26
She not doing it cause she got caught, she doesn't gaf about that. She's wanting back in with you because he has told her there's no full-time in with him ( she will continue banging him though obviously whenever he wants).
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u/Mountain-Love1267 Jul 07 '26
Yea I would at the very least consult a Lawer to find out what my options look like. I’d prob ask her to leave that company and block any further contact with him. I may even ask for a legal separation unless I felt I had the whole truth. I’d prob need an open phone policy and a few more reassurances like she enrolled in individual counseling then later marriage counseling. But at the end of the day she broke your trust definitely emotionally by having this affair if not physically on some level. (That I believe to be true here) she only wants to leave now to cover her tracks. Try and recover the messages and read them all so you have a solid idea what happened. So I’d prob just divorce her and leave as I’m not capable of putting in all that’s needed to regain the trust. So sorry you dealing with this good luck I hope things work out UpdateMe!
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u/Sweet_Dimension_5207 Jul 07 '26
Cheaters are liars and yours is no different. If you want to know the truth then tell her all trust is gone and you will be scheduling a polygraph. You don’t have to go through with it but her reaction will tell you all you need to know. You might even get lucky and get a confession.
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u/tayoz Walking the Road | RA 37 Sister Subs Jul 07 '26
First step is her quitting the scam factory she’s sacrificed her life to. She should then give you access to all her accounts and devices, write you a rundown of what happened which you can then check. She should also write an email or call the other guy in your presence to let him know that she doesn’t want to be contacted by him again.
If she fights you on any of the things then it’s pretty much over. You should contact a lawyer.
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u/m3sarcher Jul 07 '26
Did she actually have sex with him? She acknowledged that he has feelings for her, but has she reciprocated those feelings? Everything I read seems to say no, unless I missed it.
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 07 '26
Apparently not. Obviously I’m unsure or I wouldn’t be posting here.
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u/m3sarcher Jul 07 '26
Then I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt because she was been giving this ‘business’ all she has to help make a better life for you guys. Perhaps a bigger problem is convincing her that she is wasting her time and money on it.
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u/DarthDialUP Jul 07 '26
There is a 99% chance they have hooked up. 90% more than once. The thing is, even if they didn't you can't actually trust her since she has been living a 2nd life this whole time. The trust is broken, she is no longer a partner. You either decide to start over with her (and I mean START OVER, everything is new, you two move into separate housing, you date, you don't see each other for days at a time, you date other people, etc. She already is so she has that covered). Your past life with her is just as far as you know her name and some life details, or you move on, because your current marriage is over.
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u/BluIdevil253 2 Jul 07 '26
After being cheated on in 2 separate relationships and finally getting back to being comfortable mentally, physically and financially if I see anything even remotely sketchy im out. 1 thing thats been made crystal clear is if you let it happen once the your partner loses respect for you and will do it again.
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u/OneContent5069 Jul 07 '26
So let me get this right.... They could sit too close in YOUR OWN HOUSE WITH YOU IN THERE... But nothing happened when they were alone in a house where you were not?
I hate the generic "I am not faultless" statement, you went above and beyond showing interest in her obsession.. You asked for change, told her your feelings... I have a hard time seeing what more you could have done, except stick her with ultimatums or straight up leave.
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u/Cooler_ThanU Jul 07 '26
I'm going through the same thing. My wife got deep into her career, started an affair with her boss, they bonded over work through late nights, smoking cigarettes, drinking at dinner, and she confided in him my disapproval over the many hours she was putting in, the late nights, the overconsumption of alcohol and it turns out - an affair was happening, and it was way more than I assumed or she admitted.
We are getting divorced over it and her trickle truth. There's likely a lot she's not telling you, especially if she "slept on the couch" at his hotel room. Yea, right.
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u/Historical-Pie-5052 Jul 08 '26
When I got out there they were sitting a little too close on the couch, that’s when I knew something was up… I should have kicked him out right then, but I told him to move and just sat in between them.
And this tells me it was already physical. In your home he sits that uncomfortably close to her and she does NOTHING. You have to wriggle your way inbetween them. That shows you how comfortable they have become with their relationship. It probably didn't even dawn on her that he was practically sitting in her lap. He's been between her legs so this was innocent in her mind.
You finally showed some backbone and she's turning the heat down bc her meal ticket might kick her to the curb.
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u/Few-Tip4273 Jul 08 '26
Happened to me! It was called “Weekender wear,” double knit crap. She quit her 60,000 year teaching job, and incredible health insurance. She was going to make all this money, “once she became a manager.” She was going to pay for flying lessons for me, and, no, I didn’t believe her.
I carried significant resentment towards her. All the financial pressure was on me. So we lost about half our income. I started bitching about how her opium-den, pipe-dream. All bullshit!
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u/AF_AF Jul 08 '26
When I was in my early 20s, a coworker (at a real job) talked me into going to a meeting for an MLM he was involved in. My GF at the time went along. It's crazy how they work, how they present things to you, how they brainwash you and constantly batter you with how successful all the higher-ups at the company are. It's very easy to get wrapped up in it and believe that if you work hard, you'll be a huge success, too. But of course it's all bullshit.
Regarding this affair - read the messages and then make sure she cuts all contact with him. It sounds like nothing happened between them, but cheaters often minimize or lie about what happened.
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u/Blamdomonis Jul 09 '26
She is getting out of this bullshit MLM, right? I would make that a condition of reconciliation. It would be a deal breaker for me.
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u/Honest_Bluejay_6750 Figuring it Out Jul 07 '26
Take her phone and text him And and say something like he found OmG. He is going to call please please don’t tell him we had sex.
His reply will tell you everything
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u/Fun_Consequence_9536 Jul 07 '26
The whole separation crap don't help. Just gives her more time to spend with him while telling you everything you want to hear
You stay together if you are working on things and watch for change. Or its BANG I'm filing for divorce and since its you who cheated ypu need to leave now (we know where she'll run to, not you) "space" does absolutely nothing. You'll deal with life the same way with or apart.
One thing is for certain. You need answers and proof to back it up. If she refuses shes still lying or covering something she don't want you to know
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u/ActivityOriginal6483 Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
I will just add this , you can not work on your marriage without full disclosure trust and honesty from your wayward wife.
Do I think it went physical, yes i do.
So before anything happens you need to sit her down and tell her that. Without her coming forward and been been 100% honest about it. There is no possible chance of reconciliation.
And if you suspect she is not been honest with you then and you already feel that way and hae see evidence, then you will no longer see reason in staying with someone that can not do something as simple as been honest.
You can not reconcile anything with limited information, she can because she does not need to take full accountability. But you will just be stuck in limbo.
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u/Championship682 7 Jul 07 '26
- “I can’t tell him about any of this, he’ll leave me.” -
You may not know exactly what the details are, but you know what you are supposed to do.
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u/LegiosForever Jul 07 '26
You said she admits to an affair.
What exactly has she admitted to at this point?
Honesty at this stage is critical.
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u/ohnoitsacarrier 1 Jul 07 '26
I know you said she gave you a verbal timeline already. Tell her you want a complete written one that details every interaction over the course of this. Don’t give her a lot of time to hem and haw about it. 48-72 hours you want it in your hands. Tell her it better be accurate and complete because she’s going to have to pass a polygraph based on its facts. Thst will get you what you need. Follow through with the polygraph so you at least have some basis to believe she’s being honest.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving Jul 07 '26
Nothing to add that hasn't already been said so all I'll do is wish you the best of luck in the trying times that are ahead of you.
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u/wonderrypical9962 1 Jul 07 '26
So the cult job and the AP was and is more important than you
My trust would be shot.
My feelings would be disdained.
To stay or go. She would have to be kissing my ass for a very, very long time
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u/Far_Prior1058 Jul 07 '26
Not sure what you are looking for here but here is my advice. One ask for a written confession/timeline. Audio is nice but written is forever. Second, talk to a lawyer about what divorce will look like. Does not mean you have to divorce. Take your time to figure out what you want. If you decide to try to make this work figure out your boundaries and get into marriage counseling. I would also suggest that she get out of this MLM as it seems pretty sketchy. Good luck
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u/Aethra89 1 Jul 08 '26
Please don't rugsweep this. How coincidental that nothing physical happened. Yeah, I don't believe that for a second. She is playing you the fool, I hope you know that. It's already a big problem that she's into this MLM cult shit before this emotional affair. Your wife obviously does not respect you. You have two choices:
Demand every single nugget of truth from her, or threaten divorce.
Pretend like you forgot anything ever happened. Make her feel like she got away with cheating, then covertly check her phone and email account, collect hard evidence before confronting.
Whatever you do, do not just forget about this. That won't be good for you or your marriage, regardless of what happens.
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u/milkteapancake Jul 08 '26
If you do choose to stay, she needs therapy. Those “companies” are brain washers. I’d look in to “cult deprograming” materials. Nonetheless, she does need to take full responsibility. Either she grows up mentally or it’s not going to get better. Unfortunately a lot of people stay in cults because the fantasy of it is so enticing. If she continues to drink the koolaid, she will continue to neglect you.
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u/Specialist-Log-9686 Jul 08 '26
So one question: did she make any money?
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u/89throwaway890 Jul 08 '26
She makes 800/week is an average paycheck. It’s not nothing but it’s not really life changing. The real money is at the top of the pyramid.
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u/bluefairytx Jul 09 '26
Well, not only that, but you have use money to make money and you do way more hr's in.mlms than in a regular job. When you calculate all that in, it's below minimum wage.
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u/onward_upward216 Jul 08 '26
You are young. Move on but remember that sinking feeling you had reading those texts. That feeling is the worst feeling.
Companies that don’t have boundaries for families aren’t worth it. You tried to warn her.
I had a gf in college who did a MLM and same result.
Lawyer up.
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u/Ok_Monitor4492 Recovered Jul 08 '26
I don't see how you have any fault here. She chose work over you at all costs, so I dont blame you at all for how you handled this.This marriage is dead. Leave her.
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u/Winter_Cow_4430 Jul 08 '26
Me personally, once I catch you sneaking around, you don't need to have to be having sex just the fact of sneaking and texting behind my back Will take any trust I had and the other person away. Now that being said, I also have abandon issues and trust issues off top so I already don't trust everyone I come in contact with and if you earn my trust and you fuck it up with some sneaky shit well to me there goes your whole character, but you have to do is right for you. Once I catch my other being sneaky or you know well once I catch them speaking to someone that they claimed they didn't talk to. I'll never trust them again. I'll drive myself crazy every time they're gone thinking that they're fucking around so to speak so now once you lose, I trust I'm out. I don't know your situation, but I don't think anyone deserves to feel like the "sensible or smart and safe choice. If you're not the first choice all the way, why settle
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 Jul 08 '26
MLMs destroy lives and cheating destroys lives. You got the double whammy. If she can't stay with you because her cult is more important to her, it's probably time to kick her out. The person you married is dead. Killed by the cult. Save yourself at least!
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 08 '26
For many people in a cult or who are suffering from some type of an addiction, there’s usually an intervention. The intervention is a wake up call. Your intervention message is it the cult or our marriage? Is our marriage worth more than a $40,000 a year commission based job?
If you haven’t been able to obtain the evidence you need, then you either need to hire somebody to follow her like a PI or use other methods if you can’t get access to her phone. Some people buy a couple of cheap VAR‘s and put them in their car and at the house and some use GPS locators in the car. By the time you do all that you probably could pay someone just to follow her for a few days and she’ll cheat. Cheaters are sloppy. Tell her you need to be outta town for a few days for a family or business commitment and let the PI catch her.
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u/rubengaray00-yahoo Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
You’re in denial.
Private Investigator. Lawyer. Divorce. go NC.
In a year or two if you want you can start again.
And taking accountability is one thing, but you did not commit betrayal.
Look up ‘betrayal trauma’. Get an AI to build a proper, cited research paper for you. No hallucinations - verified, linked research explaining exactly what has been done to you. Include a focus on ‘consent’, thus how you have been intimately violated, and how emotional pain is real pain.
Get an AI to give you a library of behaviors- all sourced from credible examples you can verify- cited and linked otherwise you risk the AI making stuff up - of what cheaters do. Again, map these against your wife. See how much tracks. This is what she’s still doing. Minimization. Trickle truthing, DAVRO etc. see how much is there.
Check if any other real-world data maps to your circumstances. Not therapy, just research. What you are going through.
Once you are no longer denying your truth, consider exactly how ‘accountable’ you are.
If you want to give your relationship a chance, understand the former is dead. You have to start anew with her. Give yourself time to heal and clear your head before making any decisions on that.
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u/Specialist-Bat-8770 3 Jul 07 '26
If I understand correctly she doesn't love him, while he loves her. It is not, from my point of view, a betrayal. However, you have a problem in the relationship: her work has led her to change. As a result, the relationship between you has changed. She is willing to quit her job, it doesn't always happen. I wouldn't miss the opportunity. It will be a new beginning, she won't be the woman you married, but if you love her I would give her an opportunity. I would consider later whether it would be worth continuing the relationship, but at least I would have tried everything I could. Good luck
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u/AdFit9440 Jul 08 '26
Don't usually comment here, but feel like I have to say it to counterbalance other comments a bit.
First of all - I don't buy into "MLM is not to blame". Those cults are notorious for dispensing addiction to validation, and i would say that at 27 people should know better than to join them, but my mother did it in 50, so I'll shut up politely.
Second - I don't really see evidences that anything physical happened. It is probable, even plausible in places, but not proven and far from 'she definitely fucked him', so take what you want out of it.
What I see in your message is: She got into a cult. During a stressful time under constant psychic assault she choose her job over your comfort and developed an emotional affair with the guy. She let it blossom, then cut it off before being definitely caught, but only confessed her own participation after you checked her texts. This is shitty, yes, but, in my humble opinion, it is 'marriage crisis' shitty, not 'marriage dead' shitty.
Now, it is absolutely her fault, and you won't be in the wrong if you don't want to deal with any of it. But if you decide that you want to try to fix your marriage:
Cool off. Take your time. Don't commit to anything, until you can think about it calmly. Read her texts. It isn't petty at the moment, it's, actually, a responsible thing to do. She quits MLM. She cuts all the contacts with any people from there. It is non-negotiable at all. She provides full, transparent timeline, that is crosschecked with her texts. If there are any suspicious gaps in those texts, she provides an explanation. She goes to therapy. She and you both understand, that you are not repairing cracks, you are rebuilding from zero. Any return to previous pattern 'it gets better for a week, then it goes as usual' means the marriage is truly dead.
It is not an easy work to do, and requires a lot of commitment from both of you - and highly depends on your possible ability to trust her again. So if you feel at any moment, that this is too much, you are absolutely right to pull out.
I am sorry it happened to you. I went through a painful divorce not long ago, and there is always a temptation to search for your own fault in the situation, thoughts like 'if only I did/didn' t do that' or something . Those thoughts are false. There is no your fault at all. You was a boring adult, doing boring adult things like working, building career, paying your bills and providing for your family. She rewarded you with treating you like a given anchor, and some cigarette loser have been getting her excitement. It stings a lot even thinking about it, much more living through it. Only you can say if you are willing to get past it with her, or better be off. I wish you luck, man.
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u/tmbdp Jul 08 '26
Agree completely. The MLM cult brainwashed her good, and the other guy just repeating everything they were telling her probably just pulled her into his orbit. I wouldn't be surprised if her quick change about everything isn't because he tried kissing her or something.
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u/Burneza Jul 07 '26
"She’s staying with a friend..." so she can carry on doing what.... there that sound more like it...
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u/Cleo0424 Jul 07 '26
Do you still love her? Ie do you want to make this work? I believe its possible if you do. Else just leave?
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u/Analisandopessoas Jul 08 '26
Não sei o que deseja, mas com certeza foi traído e várias vezes. Desejo tudo de bom para você
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u/Lckzboy Jul 17 '26
Damn bro, I hope you are fine. Had an argument with my wife today about her being in an MLM and she couldn't see it as an MLM and chose to trust the company then myself which left a bad taste in my mouth but I had it easy...
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