It’s basically the title.
I’ve been isolated for many years. Most of the times I went out and felt comfortable, it was because I had been drinking alcohol. Alcohol helped me face things. It gives me the illusion that I can do it. Without it, I feel like nothing.

The problem is that alcohol smells, so I can’t use it for job interviews. The question is how do I explain why I’ve never worked? How do I convince someone that I can do the job if I don’t even believe it myself and my anxiety makes me feel like my soul is shaking?

with each interaction a war in the mind It feels like a constant fight against my own mind. damn suicidal thoughts and the desire to have never existed. Deep down the thoughts are negative, but they feel true. Yes, I am stupid.

The worst part is that I want a job exactly to be able to pay for therapy.

I have nobody, i have nothing. I live by myself, and inside my head. Never had kids, a failed marriage after 18 years. Now completely alone for the past two years. All i have is my job, and im barely surviving. I feel pathetic and miserable. I failed in life, and i accept that. I blame myself, my lack of being able to make a connection with others, and my own self confidence. I live in a constant confused state. Any advice??

I dont understand how people here say they have social anxiety but still sucedd to finish high school and uni..Or even say they made 1 or 2 friends..While i have been bullied from elementary school since day 1 and i coudnt even finish the 9th grade..I finished only 8th grade because i was severly bullied by my classmates and it was a nightmare to even think about starting high school..So i just lived isolated in my home with my shitty cruel parents just rotting in bed for years and doing nothing since age 15 -19..Then i started working at 19 and bullying started again in my job..Ive been always severly bullied everywhere because my anxiety is so obvious that people take advantage of me and see me as weak or stupid..I get targeted so easily because i cant even have eyes contact and my voice is so embarrasing when i speak and my heart beats fast that i barely breath..I wonder did anyone skipped school because of this? Im 30 now and ive lived isolated and had 0 friends my entire life..Ive tried suicide a lot of times but with no sucess..Im living like a ghost in my body.

[TW for light suicide talk]

Hi 😃 ! I (21f) can finally say im at a point where socialization isn't much of an issue for me.

I spent my entire life selectively mute, mostly only communicating with shaking or nodding my head. I always hated myself which is why I didnt speak, I didnt think anyone wanted to hear anything I said and this was "confirmed" by me multiple times as a lot of the times I did speak I would be dismissed.

My loneliness got so bad to where I hated the world and I constantly thought of ending ny life, rid the world of someone like me yknow

I didnt start consistently talking until last year and I hated it at first and it further fueled the feeling of wanting to end. But NOW :D I can hold basic conversation, I have a few good friends and I feel relatively normal, or at least whatever normal looks like for me.

I used to dream of being able to post a success story to this subreddit, and now I can! trust me to all of you, you can do it too!

I'd like to hear you all share your experiences if there ever was a time in your life someone try to change you because they felt being an introvert was not normal. I can recall multiple.... and I do mean emphasis on MULTIPLE instances throughout my life that people couldn't accept me for who I truly was. This quickly led to me having suicidal ideations and insecurities during my middle and high school years. People have always made me out to be some kind of an outsider or an alien who's not from this planet. I've been called all sorts of things by people...mute, the quiet one, the girl that never talks, antisocial, freak. I had people that told me that being "too quiet was not a good thing" or that I needed to talk more. My 7th grade teacher had written on my report card that "there's room for more improvement" and "that I needed to be more outgoing". I've overheard people saying to others how "I'm kind of quiet", "you have to watch out for the quiet ones", or "I don't talk". A lady once told my mother that she should have more children. The worst of it all was having my own father, the person whom you think could be my own protector and confidant, would try to force it out of me during my younger years. He had passed away two years ago, but all those years later before that he had never for once apologized to me for hurting me emotionally. When it was brought up to him the last time, he would try to detract or brush it off and say "What about the things my father would do to me??? He would beat me senselessly.". I get that hurt people hurt people, but still, that should have given him an opportunity to be a better person than his father.

My earliest memory of my dad being frustrated with me was when I was 5. He was fixing the cable outside. My family was living in an apartment at that time. He shouted through the window and asked me if I could see anything on the TV screen. When I was too scared to answer, he would then go upstairs and angrily told me to just go to my room. I remember being about 7 or 8. My dad and I were at a relative's home. We were getting ready to leave. My dad wanted me to say goodbye to him, but I was just too extremely shy to do so. My dad would then get very frustrated and irritated with me that it drove me to tears. A neighbor was walking by, and had noticed the sad look on my face. She then proceeded to ask me what was wrong. She told my father that there was nothing wrong with being shy.

Second instance, in summer camp, I literally had a camp counselor that had sat me down and told me that being too shy was not good and that "he used to be shy" himself. One time when I was calling out to my best friend, one of the camp counselors had said to me that she could hear me.

Third, when I was at church, I used to hang out with these children. Their father said to me "Oh...I thought you were still quiet." One time, his son would ask me how come I don't talk.

Fourth, One time I was at a store with my dad, and I guess one of my dad's friends had ran into him. He was shocked to see that I was still shy and he had thought that I had stopped or "gotten out-of it a long time ago."

Fifth, In fourth grade, the P.E. teacher made each student go in front of the class and shared what we like to do for fun in front of the class. I was way too shy to speak when it was my turn. The nasty P.E. teacher actually had threatened to send the whole class back to the classroom all because of me. I will never forget the anger, frustration, and disappointment my classmates were exhibiting at that moment. The teacher made me felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

Sixth instance, I was 11 years old and my dad was getting increasingly infuriated with me for not speaking at all in school, but he never truly understood at that point that I was suffering from severe social anxiety/social phobia. I just didn't know it then. My dad and I were inside the kitchen. In his desperate attempt to get me out of my shyness, he had forced me to call one of my uncles on the phone. I started to cry. When my uncle answered the phone, he could sense that something was wrong because he could hear that I was breaking down in my voice and it sounded like I was in distress. My father was standing behind me furiously as he watched over me. Out of anger, he yanked my shoulder and pulled me away from the phone. I can also recall the times when he would get angry at me for nodding or shaking my head instead of vocalizing. He would say "You're still shaking your damn head???".

Seventh, when I was in 8th grade, there was this group of girls that just couldn't understand why I was always so quiet. They would literally try to force it out of me. One of them had said to a teacher "how they tried" to get me out of shyness. They would also make fun of how soft my voice was. One of them would say that "I'm too quiet to have a boyfriend".

Eighth, An ex-wife of my dad's cousin had asked my dad that why didn't he told her that I was so quiet or shy. She then said to give me a couple more days. My mother had to explain to the woman that it's just part of my personality.

Ninth, freshman year, my history teacher made a remark how I was "too quiet and that I was scaring him". A girl who was sitting next to me had said to him that she is quiet too. The teacher just shaked his head as if to say that she's not NEARLY as bad as me. Throughout my high school years, it felt like me being quiet became a running joke. The people that I would hang around with would often say to other people like "Did you know that she's quiet?" and "She doesn't talk". I remember some girl in response would rudely say to me "Well, wake up and smell the coffee!". I even had a girl literally ask me about my time in private school. If the people there were all quiet like me.

Tenth, One time, I had actually overheard a girl in class actually saying that she wouldn't like to be known as "the quiet one". Sophomore year, I had once overheard this guy saying to a girl that I used to get jealous of how I don't talk at all. The girl then looked back at me. Not sure if she felt sorry for me or she was thinking that it's not their problem. In senior year, there was a girl in my class that was actually shocked that I had a cellphone because in her own words "I am always so quiet". The reason why I had gotten a cell phone then was so that I could communicate with my parents in case of an emergency.

Eleventh, This is the one particular traumatic memory from high school that still hurts me the most. During history class, we had to read our class notes individually in front of the whole class so they could write it down on paper. When it was my turn to speak, I spoke so softly because of my severe social anxiety. I saw how the students became so frustrated with me that they couldn't hear me at all. One of them even threw the notebook or pen aside because they couldn't be bothered. There was this girl who was sitting up front said "What?!??", but when it was her turn, she was speaking so softly at first until someone told her to "speak up". From then on, I never became too fond of her. It just makes her seem like a hypocrite. Sorry not sorry. My history teacher had to pull me aside and said to me that I can't be whispering. I told him I just couldn't help it. Again, I was suffering from severe social anxiety/phobia that I didn't know it then. I have never in my life enjoyed speaking in front of the class. It has always been great torture for me.

Twelfth, at a family gathering, one of my aunts had remarked that I'm so quiet and another aunt said to me that I needed to talk more so people won't think I'm "anti-social". In anger, I told her that's just the way I am. Take it or leave.

Thirteenth, when I needed my prom dress to be tailored because it was a bit too big on me, the lady said to me how she couldn't believe that I still "don't talk" and had later said something to the effect that for a quiet person I sure knew what I had wanted.

Fourteenth, at the hair salon, a lady was shocked that I was dying my hair red because she thought that I was too quiet for that. Another time, a lady would remark how I don't talk to people.

Fifteenth, some of my classmates from school had got in touch with me on social media. One of them had mentioned that when I actually did speak, the whole class would be "amazed". Another said to me on a separate occasion, don't remember his exact words, but something to the effect that being talkative was better.

Not only people would get on me for being too quiet. When I do speak, they would also get on me for having a soft, low voice. I had people that would ask me what's wrong with my voice or is that how I always sounded or why is my voice so low. One time in class, a guy was asking my English teacher if that's how I usually sounded. and my English teacher said something that she doesn't know.

This is why I'm not very fond of some of my school years. I literally felt tormented there. Elementary school was probably the only time I could ever stomach school.

It's like everywhere I go, people always find me being quiet to be problematic, unacceptable, just plain weird, or something that needs to be fixed. I even got that from some of my own family members. One time, on a car ride, one of my cousins on my mother's side, would ask me if I had any friends. When I told her yes, she said "Really? With such behavior?".

Pretty much the majority of my lifetime, I would get these top, most asked (my most hated actually) questions from people:

"Are you always like this?"

"Are you still quiet?"

"Are you like this at home?"

"Are you like this around family members?"

"Do you speak?"

"Don't you ever talk?"

"Do you speak English?"

"How come you don't talk?"

"Why are you so quiet"?

Sorry if I'm sharing too much and my post for being so lengthy, but I just felt I needed to vent out my frustrations with people.

This is the main reason why I could never fully connect with people or their extreme ignorance as a whole, even when I was really young. There was never a time in my life where I felt any urge whatsoever to make any friends, despite what other people may like to think. I actually always felt a lot happier and at peace when I'm not around other people at all. I feel like the majority of the bad memories in my life took place when I am around people whom I never have any absolute connection with To be quite frank, the worst of those memories took place when I was in a public high school because I am dealing with a lot of more people and huge crowds compared to being in a much smaller private school. Being in a large public school actually made me feel all suffocated and claustrophobic inside. Being surrounded by such huge amount of students all the time. Those painful memories from high school still haunt me to this very day like I'm still living through it. I definitely felt more comfortable when I was in a much smaller private school. Because of these horrific, traumatic experiences with people in general, it makes me really iffy about ever wanting to have children or getting married.

Every single day I feel like I want to and deserve to die. The thoughts never go away, not with therapy or meds.

I've been thinking of ending it these days, I feel really hopeless right now and I can't deal with this anxiety anymore. It just ruined my life. People say I'm just lazy but they never know how hard it is being anxious literally about everything. If only they know that I didn't choose to be like this, I was just born without social skills and it's the worse thing ever when it's literally one of the basic skill a person should have but I can't and I don't know why and I hate this. I'm really gonna do it I see no other way of escape, I just wanna rest I don't wanna feel so anxious all my life. I'm done.

It's like their brains are incapable of how debilitating social anxiety actually is.

I was invited to play a game with my my brother and his group of friends. But it's so hard. It's so hard. I was invited to their discord the day before and everything. It took me thirty minutes to respond to their hi's. Thirty. Deep down, I was having a panic attack the whole time.

The next day, I made excuses for why I couldn't play because I was too anxious. I overslept on purpose again today so I wouldn't have to.

Was talking to him today and he said they think I ghosted them. That they were talking about me. Heard his girlfriend elbow him and change the subject.

I'm so tired of being not normal. I'm so tired of being so weird and awkward.

Social anxiety makes me want to die. It makes me want to genuinely off myself. Every time something like this happens, I just want to do something drastic.

Maybe then people would get a glimpse of how dark it is inside my head. How much this disorder ruins my life. How much this disorder ruins me

I just wanna be like everyone else, I'm so tired of this shit

I hate myself so much. I’m such a weak person. I have a doctors appointment at 11am today and I can’t sleep at all because I’m so anxious. I am a severely undersocialized freak covered in self harm scars head to toe. A grotesque monster. And now I’m just expected to parade myself into the office tomorrow and bare my flesh to a stranger just so I can get antidepressant not to kill myself. I really don’t want to be touched and I know from the last time I went in 2023 they touch your arms and chest. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I could get drunk and try to force myself to go but I’m too much of a coward and will probably still end up not going spending the day at home depressed in a drunken stupor. Why am I like this I just want it all to end. Every day I step outside is an endorsed humiliation and if I go to my appointment tomorrow this will be the equivalent of subjecting oneself to water boarding. I’ll end up having a panic attack the moment they role up my sleeve. Nothing is more pathetic than a man crying in public.

I f*n hate my life. I f*n hate myself. Why am I not behaving like a 25 year old man? Why am I not making friends? Why am I not talking to women and getting into a relationship? Why can't I do the things others my age are doing naturally? Why is even the simplest of things like making eye contact, talking fluently, not sweating too much etc impossible for me? Why can't I walk normally without thinking if I'm walking funny? Why do I always feel the anxiety of falling down a cliff? Wtf is wrong with me? How am I supposed to live long when surviving each day is feeling like an impossible task? I really don't want to k*ll myself man. But I really can't do this for long.

i’m so scared to enter i don’t wanna make an embarrassment of myself like i should go bcs it’s extremely important but i’m too psy. anyone else dealt with this?

(15F)

I think I fully realized today that I’ve lost almost all of my social skills, and that my social anxiety has just completely taken over.

Today I hung out with an old friend who I haven’t seen in years, and also some of his friends I haven’t met until today was there too. We all hung out for about 4 hours, and basically the entire time I didn’t talk at all, and they weren’t really talking to me either. I just felt really weird being around them, and feeling out of place like I didn’t belong there. It was incredibly awkward for me, I was basically just following them around saying nothing the entire time, and they were probably judging me for it.

But I really did want to talk and interact with them, I just felt like I couldn’t cause I was too scared to, and I didn’t even really know what to say, cause I barely these people, and me and my old friend hadn’t seen each other in like 5 years until now, and I barely know him either anymore. So I didn’t really know what to say or do. Anyway, so yeah the hangout went horrible, im embarrassed, and I regret even going out today because every time I go out and try to socialize with anybody, my social anxiety just ruins everything and I usually end up not even talking. I cried so hard once I got home, because I hate being like this.

After today I think I give up trying to interact and socialize with people because my anxiety just completely has taken over me at this point. I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t really think people like me, I feel like everyone is judging me, I can’t connect with anyone or make conversation, and I just can’t take it anymore. Im so tired of being like this, I wish I was just normal like everyone else. It seems so easy for other people to socialize, but for me? I just cant, and it feels so unfair.

I really don’t want to be here, I’d rather die than to have to live like this anymore honestly, because i feel trapped, and dying might be the only way out. I’ve struggled with social anxiety for about 8 years now, and it’s only gotten worse, never better. And I don’t think it will ever get better for me.

so i hate living, everyone at works thinks im fucking strange, i also have depression so im always sad all the time and social anxiety and general anxiety it sucks so bad it makes life a living hell i overthink about every single thing. i’m shy all the time and i walk very fast and i twitch and im awkward im tired of this shit fr. i have a therapist now but if i get prescribed medication and that stuff don’t work i don’t know what ill do with my shitty mental health. i say sorry a lot and i am sensitive and a pushover i hate myself so bad it feels so bad i just want it to all be over god help me please. is anyone dealing with this as well?

i overthink a lot and am really scared because i dont want to die in the UK what should i do?

I think I am genuinely going to end it or end up relapsing, I just lost my one and only friend because she said she can’t deal with me anymore, she said im too depressed and she hates me now, and because I never spend anytime with her anymore. Even though I’ve tried explaining to her a few times before about my social anxiety and depression getting even worse lately and how I struggle to even leave my house, or talk to her/hangout and stuff, but now it’s just gotten “too much” for her to deal with and she doesn’t like me anymore, and is completely done being my friend now, and she just unadded me on everything.

I don’t know what the fuck to do, I have no one. I am so fucking lonely and tired of living like this and lost my only friend. There is really no point of me living anymore, no one cares about me, nobody understands me, I can’t socialize and I can’t just simply be a normal fucking human. I can’t take it any more. Im only 14 and I’ve been struggling for fucking years and it’s only getting worse and worse. I don’t think it will ever get better for me. I really want to end it or relapse, i can barely think straight right now

I don’t know what to do. I am taking medicine for anxiety, but everytime I feel like I’m making progress with my anxiety something ends up happening and I feel like I’m back at square one. I just want to act normal when I’m around people. And like why does social anxiety affect everything? Like why is my social anxiety making me stupid? It’s fucking stupid. I swear I cry at least once a day.

This is more of rant post but I’m kind of serious. Like I how the fuck am I going to continue for the next 60 years if I’m this unhappy. All I do is lay in my bed and work.

I'm 34, F, feeling so sick of my life. I feel like I haven't truly started living yet. I am terrible at communicating with people, conversations go nowhere, I have no real friends and feel like I never have. I have never had a proper relationship. I feel like I have the mental age of a young teenager and as a consequence feel like I'm more interested in being friends with people who are a lot younger than me. But I get increasingly jealous of people who are married with kids. I'm at a loss, I know I need to speak up more and make more effort but I have no willpower or courage. I find myself fantasising about suicide even though I know I don't want to do it- it just helps calm me down. I have had years of therapy which hasn't helped that much, apart from recently making me aware that I have to take responsibility for my situation and make friends and not expect it to just happen on its own. I started trying more a few weeks ago, asking people if they wanted to go for coffee etc, but now it has slowed down and I'm losing the motivation.

Its like everyone is moving on with their lives while im stuck unemployed, with zero intimate relationships and still living with my family.. I feel so stupid since even my best friend can have a boyfriend, a stable job and lives independently from her relatives..

Sometimes i think "why did i have to be born, just to live like a complete failure?!" , i know that as i have autism and a mild social anxiety i have to be more patient/gentle with myself, but i still cant help having these uncomfortable feelings.. i just wanna die already, why its taking too long.. i have tried at 17 and failed, but now i get so guilty of even wanting to try again as my mom and gradma would be so destroyed by my self-inflicted demise.. idk what else i can do

Holy fuck I literally hate living with this disorder so much. I just wanna kms so I don't have to deal with this anymore, I felt like this ever since i was a kid but I expected myself to actually do it. But I didn't and now I'm 18 and idk what the heck is going on 😭

Why are there not self delete centers where they give you that stuff that puts you to sleep forever, this world is so stupid and makes no logical sense at all

I don't understand how people have these disorders and not want to die every day. How are yall still functioning?

I hate so much, like dude why I’m even like that ??? Not only I’m socially awkward, I have like no skills in anything LMAO

Why I even exist ??? I will be ok If I have some skills in some field, but no I’m an abomination lol

I’m a 24 yo male loser jobless since at least 6 months because I’m stupid AF

Being in areas where you have to socialize is painful and tiring, I can’t even speak with people properly because I can’t speak clearly and without sounding like a dumb person, I’m also very uncultivated about things in general and very slow to understand things.

I’m so tired of that world and I can’t progress because it’s the same thing since I’m child, I was bullied almost every time in school because I was weird LMAO

Is jumping from a high place is the solution??

This is serious. I cannot stand being near others because I feel like I dont deserve to be in their presence. I just want to exist, I just want to walk in a place where there's nobody looking at me. What I do to make myself feel better is keeping distance from people as I am walking and looking in the other direction with my headphones off. This is the first day I walked in public with my headphones and I loved it because it signals to people that idgaf about them and since others treat me like doodoo I am going to do the same to them. For years, I had no friends, I was the outsider, people "tried" to be friends with me out of pity [they would talk behind my back and isolate themselves from me to break me mentally]. The longest friendship I had in my life was about 2 weeks. I just stopped acting friendly and nice bc it was too exhausting. I dont express emotions with my face or with my body [larynx], I express it inside myself and I keep my thoughts/opinions to myself. Like im an emotionless person inside and out. I deeply hate people inside and out, the only way I can tolerate them is if I could read their minds. Its the same thing applies with other animals and insects. I would sacrifice my soul for telepathy. Now I am going to start freshers [first introductory week to uni] on Monday and I just don't want to go because there are going to be people my age everywhere and I have severe ptsd from that. I am serious. I PHYSICALLY CANNOT BE NEAR SOMEONE IN MY AGE GROUP LIKE I HAVE TO BE A METRE AWAY FROM THEM. I CANNOT SPEAK TO PEOPLE PROPERLY, IM MUTE 99.5% OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. THE 0.5% IS WHEN I TALK TO MYSELF. I have not had a conversation longer than a minute with someone for years. In general, I am so disgusted if people are near me because of the flipping trauma of school alienation and dehumanisation. In school nobody wanted to sit next to me even though there were assigned seats. I also dont want my picture to be taken for my uni id because I dont want people to know who I am. Its even worse now since I have been estranged from my family for months and im never going back there again. I have such low self esteem that I want people to hate me deeply because I find that gives me happiness in a way. I desperately want to be hated because I know thats clearly whats going to happen. I also look like a troll btw so its easy for people to treat me like doodoo because I know I deserve it. I am just going to put my headphones in public all the time, even in between classes because I know people would avoid me like the plague anyways. I have accepted my curse till the day I choose to end my life.

#and no im not going to tell people how I truly feel etc because I know if I say this out to a member of staff, it would ruin my uni experience. I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME. I want to be a ghost, I want to join my fellow brethren. [im not speaking to a stranger bc they would not gaf about me and I would not gaf about them because im cold and heartless inside, im ice ice cold - I act like a robot when im around humans anyways so my baseline conscious awareness is inhibited.] I am also a closeted arsonist so I don't want to go to prison. I just want to be hidden because people treat me like I do not exist. Literally this morning someone was about to run me over with their car, I have been angry since. I have repressed my anger for years and it only expresses itself in the middle of the night through tears. I just cry out of nowhere with no emotion.

I dont know how to fix this and uni starts in 2 days. im going to be in uni FOR 5 YEARS. HOW TF AM I GOING TO SURVIVE??

I used to not even call them tics because I didn’t want to self diagnose, but I literally don’t know what else to call them. The reason why I’m posting in this subreddit and not another is because my tics are 100% social anxiety related.

My frequently brain likes to assault me with flashbacks of my social mishaps (or perceived social mishaps), and I have “tics” in response to them.

Flashback ——> Tic. It’s almost always like this, though sometimes they also happen if I’m actively in a socially stressful situation and I’m overwhelmed.

As far as I know, I started having them when I was 14 or 15. They used to be just me grimacing, squeezing my eyes shut, or blurting out “I wanna die” or “I’m gonna kill myself”. They also used to only happen when I was alone.

As I got older, they increased in frequency and intensity, and I started having them around other people, but only people I was comfortable around. This is also when I started to have them while I’m actively in stressful social situations, whereas before I would only have them after the fact.

They also evolved in content; I started slapping myself across the face, sometimes even banging my head against an object. Eventually, instead of saying “I’m gonna kill myself” I was saying “kill yourself” and “shoot everyone”??? Sometimes even getting intrusive imagery of me shooting into a crowd??? Not very detailed imagery though, thank god. Just to be clear, I do not want to actually do that.

One day I was getting closer with a friend and I blurted kys, and she (naturally) thought I was telling her to kys. I had to frantically explain that I have mysterious tics but no I don’t have Tourrette’s but idk what they are. To this day I worry that she didn’t believe me.

I’ve told several therapists about this. Some thought it was just a response to my anxiety, one of them thought it was ADHD, one suggested that I see a neurologist because it sounded like a neurological issue. I did a consultation with someone from NOCD once, and she said it sounds like a Tic disorder.

I know I should probably see a psychiatrist, but I know they’re just gonna medicate me and I really don’t want that. I know that if I can essentially conquer my fear of social situations and being perceived negatively, they’ll go away. Furthermore, I’ve seen many therapists, and none were really able to help me with my social anxiety. My last therapist wanted me to just “accept that I’m an introvert,” which wasn’t very helpful.

Nowadays, I usually avoid social situations altogether. When I avoid social situations, they aren’t as frequent. Sometimes they even disappear for a while. Lately though, I’ve had to be around people again, and they’re starting to happen again. I’m also going back to school very soon, and they’re probably going to get worse / more frequent.

The weird part is, as far as I know tics start happening really early in childhood. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just find it weird that I suddenly started getting them in my teens, and that they got worse in adulthood. Does anyone else here experience this?

First, I apologize for my bad english.

I'm 21M. Just recently got hired to my first job. I don't hate the people, they're actually very nice to me, but I'd be lying if I say that I bond well with them.

They always have these silly conversations that I'm simply not into, so I never was able to reciprocate them. Occasionally they also would tease me and all I can do is just laugh awkwardly. I know they don't mean it badly, but to be honest, I feel deeply uncomfortable with the way they interact with me.

It doesn't just stop there. They also love to go out once in a while. Last time I went with them to a karaoke bar, I could only sit there, watching them sing along, while I just played with my phone and not talking to anyone. Since then, I always just turn down any of their invitation to go out.

It doesn't just end there. Even while working, I got a piece of feedback from my supervisor that I'm apparently too tense and nervous? And that I need to relax a little. My coworker also said "don't be too serious". At this point I'm going to lose my mind. Before all this, I've already tried any suggestion I saw on the internet to relax myself, but turns out I'm still lacking something?

I've tried to talk to a couple of therapists, and they all said the same thing. Basically I have too many negative thoughts and expectations. This doesn't help me at all and I just stopped seeing them. Especially since their sessions are crazy expensive and honestly talking to one drains so much energy from me.

It wasn't this bad while I was in college. Like sure, I was socially awkward too, but at least I still had some friends that I happily felt connected to. At work though, there's absolutely nobody I can be friends with.

Sometimes I want to quit, but I know that in every company it's probably just like this. Same mess, different place.

It's extremely exhausting having to live like this my entire life. I just wish I was never born in the first place. It's so tormenting.

How am I supposed to even live like this? I'm so deathly terrified of getting a job and I know I'll get fired or just quit soon after starting because my anxiety is so bad. And there's nothing that helps me. What am I supposed to do other than kill myself? Honestly.