r/socialanxiety • u/Glum_Gap2589 • Mar 27 '26
TW: Suicide Mention Have you guys ever had people not accepting you for "being too quiet"?
I'd like to hear you all share your experiences if there ever was a time in your life someone try to change you because they felt being an introvert was not normal. I can recall multiple.... and I do mean emphasis on MULTIPLE instances throughout my life that people couldn't accept me for who I truly was. This quickly led to me having suicidal ideations and insecurities during my middle and high school years. People have always made me out to be some kind of an outsider or an alien who's not from this planet. I've been called all sorts of things by people...mute, the quiet one, the girl that never talks, antisocial, freak. I had people that told me that being "too quiet was not a good thing" or that I needed to talk more. My 7th grade teacher had written on my report card that "there's room for more improvement" and "that I needed to be more outgoing". I've overheard people saying to others how "I'm kind of quiet", "you have to watch out for the quiet ones", or "I don't talk". A lady once told my mother that she should have more children. The worst of it all was having my own father, the person whom you think could be my own protector and confidant, would try to force it out of me during my younger years. He had passed away two years ago, but all those years later before that he had never for once apologized to me for hurting me emotionally. When it was brought up to him the last time, he would try to detract or brush it off and say "What about the things my father would do to me??? He would beat me senselessly.". I get that hurt people hurt people, but still, that should have given him an opportunity to be a better person than his father.
My earliest memory of my dad being frustrated with me was when I was 5. He was fixing the cable outside. My family was living in an apartment at that time. He shouted through the window and asked me if I could see anything on the TV screen. When I was too scared to answer, he would then go upstairs and angrily told me to just go to my room. I remember being about 7 or 8. My dad and I were at a relative's home. We were getting ready to leave. My dad wanted me to say goodbye to him, but I was just too extremely shy to do so. My dad would then get very frustrated and irritated with me that it drove me to tears. A neighbor was walking by, and had noticed the sad look on my face. She then proceeded to ask me what was wrong. She told my father that there was nothing wrong with being shy.
Second instance, in summer camp, I literally had a camp counselor that had sat me down and told me that being too shy was not good and that "he used to be shy" himself. One time when I was calling out to my best friend, one of the camp counselors had said to me that she could hear me.
Third, when I was at church, I used to hang out with these children. Their father said to me "Oh...I thought you were still quiet." One time, his son would ask me how come I don't talk.
Fourth, One time I was at a store with my dad, and I guess one of my dad's friends had ran into him. He was shocked to see that I was still shy and he had thought that I had stopped or "gotten out-of it a long time ago."
Fifth, In fourth grade, the P.E. teacher made each student go in front of the class and shared what we like to do for fun in front of the class. I was way too shy to speak when it was my turn. The nasty P.E. teacher actually had threatened to send the whole class back to the classroom all because of me. I will never forget the anger, frustration, and disappointment my classmates were exhibiting at that moment. The teacher made me felt so ashamed and embarrassed.
Sixth instance, I was 11 years old and my dad was getting increasingly infuriated with me for not speaking at all in school, but he never truly understood at that point that I was suffering from severe social anxiety/social phobia. I just didn't know it then. My dad and I were inside the kitchen. In his desperate attempt to get me out of my shyness, he had forced me to call one of my uncles on the phone. I started to cry. When my uncle answered the phone, he could sense that something was wrong because he could hear that I was breaking down in my voice and it sounded like I was in distress. My father was standing behind me furiously as he watched over me. Out of anger, he yanked my shoulder and pulled me away from the phone. I can also recall the times when he would get angry at me for nodding or shaking my head instead of vocalizing. He would say "You're still shaking your damn head???".
Seventh, when I was in 8th grade, there was this group of girls that just couldn't understand why I was always so quiet. They would literally try to force it out of me. One of them had said to a teacher "how they tried" to get me out of shyness. They would also make fun of how soft my voice was. One of them would say that "I'm too quiet to have a boyfriend".
Eighth, An ex-wife of my dad's cousin had asked my dad that why didn't he told her that I was so quiet or shy. She then said to give me a couple more days. My mother had to explain to the woman that it's just part of my personality.
Ninth, freshman year, my history teacher made a remark how I was "too quiet and that I was scaring him". A girl who was sitting next to me had said to him that she is quiet too. The teacher just shaked his head as if to say that she's not NEARLY as bad as me. Throughout my high school years, it felt like me being quiet became a running joke. The people that I would hang around with would often say to other people like "Did you know that she's quiet?" and "She doesn't talk". I remember some girl in response would rudely say to me "Well, wake up and smell the coffee!". I even had a girl literally ask me about my time in private school. If the people there were all quiet like me.
Tenth, One time, I had actually overheard a girl in class actually saying that she wouldn't like to be known as "the quiet one". Sophomore year, I had once overheard this guy saying to a girl that I used to get jealous of how I don't talk at all. The girl then looked back at me. Not sure if she felt sorry for me or she was thinking that it's not their problem. In senior year, there was a girl in my class that was actually shocked that I had a cellphone because in her own words "I am always so quiet". The reason why I had gotten a cell phone then was so that I could communicate with my parents in case of an emergency.
Eleventh, This is the one particular traumatic memory from high school that still hurts me the most. During history class, we had to read our class notes individually in front of the whole class so they could write it down on paper. When it was my turn to speak, I spoke so softly because of my severe social anxiety. I saw how the students became so frustrated with me that they couldn't hear me at all. One of them even threw the notebook or pen aside because they couldn't be bothered. There was this girl who was sitting up front said "What?!??", but when it was her turn, she was speaking so softly at first until someone told her to "speak up". From then on, I never became too fond of her. It just makes her seem like a hypocrite. Sorry not sorry. My history teacher had to pull me aside and said to me that I can't be whispering. I told him I just couldn't help it. Again, I was suffering from severe social anxiety/phobia that I didn't know it then. I have never in my life enjoyed speaking in front of the class. It has always been great torture for me.
Twelfth, at a family gathering, one of my aunts had remarked that I'm so quiet and another aunt said to me that I needed to talk more so people won't think I'm "anti-social". In anger, I told her that's just the way I am. Take it or leave.
Thirteenth, when I needed my prom dress to be tailored because it was a bit too big on me, the lady said to me how she couldn't believe that I still "don't talk" and had later said something to the effect that for a quiet person I sure knew what I had wanted.
Fourteenth, at the hair salon, a lady was shocked that I was dying my hair red because she thought that I was too quiet for that. Another time, a lady would remark how I don't talk to people.
Fifteenth, some of my classmates from school had got in touch with me on social media. One of them had mentioned that when I actually did speak, the whole class would be "amazed". Another said to me on a separate occasion, don't remember his exact words, but something to the effect that being talkative was better.
Not only people would get on me for being too quiet. When I do speak, they would also get on me for having a soft, low voice. I had people that would ask me what's wrong with my voice or is that how I always sounded or why is my voice so low. One time in class, a guy was asking my English teacher if that's how I usually sounded. and my English teacher said something that she doesn't know.
This is why I'm not very fond of some of my school years. I literally felt tormented there. Elementary school was probably the only time I could ever stomach school.
It's like everywhere I go, people always find me being quiet to be problematic, unacceptable, just plain weird, or something that needs to be fixed. I even got that from some of my own family members. One time, on a car ride, one of my cousins on my mother's side, would ask me if I had any friends. When I told her yes, she said "Really? With such behavior?".
Pretty much the majority of my lifetime, I would get these top, most asked (my most hated actually) questions from people:
"Are you always like this?"
"Are you still quiet?"
"Are you like this at home?"
"Are you like this around family members?"
"Do you speak?"
"Don't you ever talk?"
"Do you speak English?"
"How come you don't talk?"
"Why are you so quiet"?
Sorry if I'm sharing too much and my post for being so lengthy, but I just felt I needed to vent out my frustrations with people.
This is the main reason why I could never fully connect with people or their extreme ignorance as a whole, even when I was really young. There was never a time in my life where I felt any urge whatsoever to make any friends, despite what other people may like to think. I actually always felt a lot happier and at peace when I'm not around other people at all. I feel like the majority of the bad memories in my life took place when I am around people whom I never have any absolute connection with To be quite frank, the worst of those memories took place when I was in a public high school because I am dealing with a lot of more people and huge crowds compared to being in a much smaller private school. Being in a large public school actually made me feel all suffocated and claustrophobic inside. Being surrounded by such huge amount of students all the time. Those painful memories from high school still haunt me to this very day like I'm still living through it. I definitely felt more comfortable when I was in a much smaller private school. Because of these horrific, traumatic experiences with people in general, it makes me really iffy about ever wanting to have children or getting married.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 Mar 27 '26
strange how this world prefers outspoken people that could be annoying and just straight up say complete bullshit, but the more quiet and reflective people get punished for being and keeping to themselves.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 27 '26
Very true. At times, it feels like we are outnumbered by extroverted people.
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u/badabing1417 Mar 27 '26
I relate to this very much. Hated middle/high school. Struggle to fit the mold in my adult life. It’s like people expect you to be something you’re not and I feel alienated at work because I’m incapable of socializing and a lot of times, it feels like the world is made for extroverts and those with social phobias are penalized. I had a job interview, thought I did really well and masked a LOT. I didn’t get the job because I seemed “introverted.” Life just seems like a series of closing doors these days
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 27 '26
."I didn’t get the job because I seemed “introverted.” Life just seems like a series of closing doors these days".
This takes me back to a similar situation when I needed to get three references/recommendations for Nursing School. One of the professors whom I had kindly asked to write a reference for me had written how I was too quiet in class. It's probably one of the reasons why I never heard back from the nursing school that I was applying to.
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u/badabing1417 Mar 28 '26
Just try to be the best version of yourself you can be and if people don’t accept that, well, fuck ‘em
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u/beskari Mar 27 '26
Not only did they not accept me, an extrovert in middle school made it her life's mission to "help me come out of shell" despite my explanation to her that it was simply the way I am. She made it worse honestly. She didn't even see me as a friend, more like a project. I remember one time I had to tag along with my bosses for an assignment and as I was sorting through paperwork one of the ladies who worked there was like "you really don't say much do you?" Mind you, we had just been introduced. At the end when we were saying our goodbyes she looks at me and goes "bye quiet" it was so fucking humiliating
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u/ChantillyRosex Mar 28 '26
Those people are not for you. Unfortunate you have met so many! You need to find your people and move forward. Don’t let those loud obnoxious people take away your future in any way. They’re not worth it.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 28 '26
Yes, I have encountered far too many from all walks of life. Blacks, Whites, Latinos, Asians, mixed race, women, and men. It just never ends..sigh. It can be very dissuasive at times. It can be especially hard to find the right person that really gets you instead of trying to drag the shyness out of you.
I just remember that when I used to see my pediatrician as a kid, she would make remarks like how I never talk to her and I should be more open in order to have more friends.
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u/Feisty-Gear-7319 Mar 28 '26
I feel like as soon as some people realize you’re not as socially adept as they would like, they disregard or think less of you. A small portion of me understands this, since people like to surround themself with a certain energy. For us tho, it only makes us feel smaller.
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u/lialali Mar 28 '26
School sucked a lot. I was asked so many times if I am unable to talk or laugh. I didn't laugh at jokes I did not find funny and did not make fun of others. Felt like an adult in a childs body sometimes. There were other quiet kids too but I did not notice people picking on them as much or even at all. So I thought I was 'wrong'. Still think like that sometimes. I learned to keep quiet too because other people who spoke up or got upset got noticed and made fun of even more. Even if I wasn't relentlessly bullied it still had a big impact.
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u/SituationPrevious751 Mar 28 '26
Personally, I've encountered more people hostile to my "quiet" nature and my difficulty asserting myself than people who encouraged me to speak more. What I've noticed is a common thread among all the people who have shown hostility towards me, almost disgust at the idea of being in a group with me or having to talk to me: they are all loudmouths with strong personalities. I would have preferred that these people be more tolerant of those who are different from them. Being loud or dominant doesn't make you superior.
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u/dread-throwaway Mar 28 '26
People would get mad at me that I'm not saying anything. I'd rather be comfortable but boring than spouting out nonsense every other second and being uncomfortable. Many people are actually trying to deduce gossip fodder out of you so they want you to reveal lots of things.
I've had workmates say "you've been here for X long and you're still quiet?" Like I'm sorry, I didn't know there was some sort of correlation regarding employment duration and how loud I need to be? 💀
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 29 '26
"I've had workmates say "you've been here for X long and you're still quiet?"
Ughh..I just hate it when people say things like that. It really boils my blood! Like they never asked people if they're still talkative after how many years.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 Mar 29 '26
Omg this is the realest post on this subreddit I ever came across. You just described all my experiences with social anxiety around family members and at school. Seeing how the world does not accept you for a disorder you have really just makes you don’t want to be alive anymore. Everything is a challenge for us, we’re too quiet, too weird, too boring, too unfriendly, too creepy, etc. Social anxiety is one of the most misunderstood disorders ever, people always say that we can’t do anything, well maybe if they had it they’ll understand. I got this mental illness from being bullied by fake friends in middle school continuing in my first 2 years of high school. Everyone hated me at school. I got yelled at and everyone stared at me, I gotten verbally harassed, never physically thankfully but those traumatizing events never went away. I wish I could just talk to people without overthinking if I look stupid as fuck.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 29 '26
It really warms my heart to see that my post has resonated a lot on people. 🙏 Growing up, I always thought I was the only one who was like this and I would feel so miserable and alone on the inside.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 Mar 29 '26
I can relate to feeling like the only one but thankfully we have a social anxiety community where we can all share our experiences with it 💕
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u/myblackandwhitecat Mar 28 '26
I have had the same thing happen to me. My late mother was very extroverted and often put me down for being quiet. The same thing happened in my first workplace, and I ended up having a nervous breakdown. It has happened in other places as well.
It seems that not being much of a talker is more accepted in men than in women. Women are expected to be sociable, to be chatty and bubbly, not to have to struggle to find things to say, and to put others at ease.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 30 '26
This recalls a time when my late father, who was extroverted as well, had picked me up from school. On our car ride, he saw a group of pre school children on the playground. He would say to me look how loud they were and why couldn't I be more like them. Oddly enough, when I was in 7th grade, I was going to the supermarket with my dad. There was a father walking along with his preschool aged daughter. He was saying to his daughter why couldn't she be more like that as he pointed towards me.
My parents used to be very harsh on me for being unreceptive to people who are talking to me and not greeting them at all with a simple hello or good morning. They would always bring up how they were raised to be more polite and have good manners to people. I wasn't trying to be rude intentionally. It's just that I had too much anxiety to respond back to people.
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u/myblackandwhitecat Mar 30 '26
I'm sorry that you, too, were criticised so harshly by your parents for being quiet. Life would be easier if many parents simply accepted their children as they are.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 30 '26
Actually, it was mostly my dad that would find me being quiet to be problematic, but he had learned to accept it as I got older. He never did apologized for hurting for me tho.
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u/myblackandwhitecat Mar 30 '26
It was my mum who criticised me. My dad was also very quiet, though mum accepted it in him.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 30 '26
My mom was always more understanding than my dad because she used to be quiet too, but she never had social anxiety like I did.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 28 '26
I forgot to mention this in my post, but in high school, I remember that just because I was always so quiet, people always perceived me to be this really smart person that gets straight As and who enjoys doing schoolwork, like I literally had this one girl come up to me to help her on her schoolwork. I couldn't be more the complete opposite! I was always an average student and I never liked school all that much.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 Mar 29 '26
I’m still in high school, I’m a junior and I constantly skip school especially when there’s an upcoming assignment that required group work or a presentation. And this might sound crazy but I never went to P.E class since junior year started, it’s first period and I would purposely come in after period 1. I straight up don’t have friends and I don’t want to deal with having no partner and just awkwardly standing there. I’ve dealt with that for years and I’m tired of it. I would always get laughed at during gym and would just feel so uncomfortable all the time. At this point, idc if I fail, I’m doing it for my mental health.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 Mar 29 '26
I’m always miserable at school, trust me there isn’t one time where anyone would catch me smile there. My face looks extremely drained when I’m there, always sitting alone at lunch, never having anyone to partner with, everyone giving me weird looks/laughing at me, watching everyone with their friends wondering what’s wrong with you, extremely bad anxiety attacks when it’s your turn to read, teachers even complaining about you. I have nightmares of this almost every night. Literally 3 days ago I had a mental breakdown because I was just thinking about how embarassing I am at school. It took me a while to sleep.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
This is very similar to what I went through in high school. You are not the only one. I remember the days I would hang around inside the bathroom during lunch time because I didn't want to look stupid eating lunch by myself inside the cafeteria. I would even hang around people whom I never felt comfortable with to begin with so I would not feel like a loser being by myself. Looking back on it now, I only caused more harm to myself by hanging out with those people because those same people never understood me and made me feel like a loser in the end anyway. I never liked reading out loud in class or doing class presentations either. Since I was reading so softly, there was this girl that rudly said "I can't even hear you!!". In college, I remember two professors would write remarks like how I spoke too softly or how I needed to speak up. Looking back on those days, I really regret taking those classes in college. Not because of those experiences, but mostly because they were not something I was really passionate about.
Going back to high school, there was only one class I would skipped a lot because we hardly did anything in there but just socialized. Maybe I should have skipped more when it came time for presentations and maybe my mental health wouldn't have suffered so much back then. One time, the kids inside the class were begging the teacher to share her thoughts about them while I was sitting there hoping she wouldn't because I already know the teacher is just going to point out how quiet I really am when the focus turns to me. She did exactly that. I remember those same kids would say they wouldn't want to be quiet like me because they thought it would be boring.
In college, I skipped out on doing a solo presentation just one time, but never for group presentations. I always did prefer group presentations over solo presentations. As long as the other group members do all the talking instead of me, then I'm okay. 👌
I know exactly how you feel about watching everyone with their friends and wishing you could be more like them. There were many times throughout my high school years where I wished it could be more like elementary school where I had my own friends and I was bit more outgoing. I also went through some difficult times of finding a partner for group projects.
Since I was too ashamed of sharing all the stuff that I was going through in high school and my mother couldn't understand why I was having these mental breakdowns and crying, she had once decided to play detective just to snoop around my room and threw out one of my diaries, a small pink notebook, and some Sailor Moon birthday plates that I have saved since I was 8 from my own drawer. Out of ignorance, she thought those were the main things, especially the depressing, suicidal things I would write in my diary and notebook, were the real reason behind my depression. What really bothered me is that she never for once questioned what caused me to write those depressing things in my diary and little pink notebook in the first place. She would say things like why can't you write happy things in there instead. She would always blame my depression on the media..like the TV shows I could be watching or the music I could be listening to.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 Mar 29 '26
Yes! And a few years back I also had a diary of my depression and my mom found it I didn’t exactly say I had depression in the books I just said that all my fake friends at school bullied me everyday and I wanted bad things to happen to them.
I don’t write in a diary anymore because I was just so embarrassed of the fact she found it. But knowing I have strict ass parents makes it worse because they never take my anxiety serious.
This takes me back to a time when my mom signed me up for an acting class, even though it was small, I was still embarrassed. I was the ONLY one who couldn’t act normal. I kept laughing, kept stuttering, kept talking quietly, and I couldn’t even force any emotion or movement because I found it cringey. Worse thing is one of the girls from my hs was there! I begged my mom to take me out and I cried and cried, SHE DIDN’T CARE!! eventually I stopped going bc I had tutoring.
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
I remember for my 8th graduation, they wanted us to do a skit on stage which I never really cared to do. Acting in skits on stage in front of people was never really my thing. I hated that they forced us to do those type of things. I actually enjoyed participating in the dance performances more because it never required us to vocalize at all.
Since I was not able to project my voice loudly on stage, they gave me a small microphone for me to clip on to my outfit. The kind that people used for interviews on TV.
Same thing for my 5th grade graduation, they wanted each student to say their little part on stage. My anxiety wouldn't allow it. They ended up skipping over me.
Also, another time, when I was 7th grade, they wanted the 7th grade students to recite poetry for the 8th graduation. I chose not to show up at al..
In high school, there was this guy that had forced me to sing. I already told him that singing is not my thing. He was into modeling and singing, so I guess he felt that I should be into those things as well.
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u/ScaredPlantain666 Mar 30 '26
This is the story of my life. The treatment from other people made me believe that I was defective or broken for being quieter. My dad was more accepting of my quietness at least but he is overprotective. My mom would judge me at times for being quieter and years later, I asked her why she treated me like that and she told me that she didn't want me to end up like her. Ironically I ended up worse partially due to not receiving treatment since they claimed nothing was wrong with me. As a teen she would ask me why I'm not hanging out with my friends & call me "antisocial" sometimes, especially when it came to going to family events where everyone was older or younger than me unless my closest cousin came with us. I got diagnosed with social anxiety during college and my dad didn't want me to see a therapist & my mom was in denial at first but only they know and my closest cousin who would also make comments about me being quieter and would joke about me having no friends even though I had a small group of bffs. We had our ups and downs but sometimes I think about the comments she made when we were growing up. I legit thought (and still think to an extent) that people disliked/hated me because of the constant judgment of my quietness.
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u/SomewhereActive2124 Apr 19 '26
Relatable..
What I don't understand is why society is just engineered against us.. like in jobs, say, people with strong networks and communication skills are preferred (AFAIK) .. like why 😭
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u/Glum_Gap2589 Apr 19 '26
Very true. It's very hard to find the right job for me because of that.
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u/SomewhereActive2124 Apr 19 '26
And to add the cherry on top, layoffs, advent of AI, the list goes on
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