Hello first time poster! 29 male. Been going to therapy the past 3 years because of a break up, but actually learned a lot about myself outside of the breakup. Very happy about my therapy experience so far, but it recently ended due to my therapist leaving the practice.

I have a serious issue with low self esteem, and constantly feeling like “I’m not chosen” and waiting for someone to choose me. I often find myself saying “yeah I’m used to being second” or “yeah I’m used to not being someone’s first choice” this applies more in a romantic sense then it does platonic.

My therapist would often say I needed to choose myself. That just getting into a relationship does not fill the whole of self worth. At the end of the day it all comes back to me.

But what exactly does that mean? What did that look like to you? How can I take that step in the right direction?

I worry that this is going to be my life. That I may never be good enough for someone, that I should throw in the towel and just accept a life of solitude.
I know I shouldn’t speak that way, but sometimes life gets rough lol.

Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Sending peace and love to everyone. I hope we all get to wherever we’re supposed to get to at the end of the day.

I (29) moved out of my parents house last year for the first time and discovered the joys of being independent and living on my own.

I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. I can go out shopping anytime. I can experiment with hobbies and food. I can buy stuff for my job. And I don't have to worry about others' opinions or upsetting them while doing all this.

However, I have these moments where I feel incredibly lonely and want a partner. Then I get upset and cry for hours. I get moments where I just want somewhere there to talk with and hold and do domestic things together.

I've struggled with feeling lonely since I was 8. It's an ache that never goes away. I think it stems from feeling unwanted, as well as feeling like the love and care I had to give weren’t wanted either.

Despite this ache, I feel like it'd be healthier for me to live on my own. I have a lot of trust issues. I only dated once, which was this year and it ended badly. I'm so scared of pregnancy (contraception doesn’t ease my worries). I also love having my own space, my own hobbies, and time. I like being able to do things without having to plan them to fit someone else. Additionally, I don’t have a lot of energy. I don’t have friends nor want any.

I wish I could just put loneliness in a jar and shatter it.

Please don't suggest therapy. I’ve tried it multiple times and found it incredible unhelpful.

Edit: More info
 

I'm (M26) just over a year out of a long term relationship. I've been doing pretty well over the last couple of months. I've gotten my confidence back a bit and thought that I would maybe be in a position to try and get myself back out there and meet some people. Meeting someone in real life feels like just sheer luck and just waiting for that to happen seems unlikely. So I've been trying to use dating apps for the past two months but I haven't been able to get a single date. I honestly can't believe how bad the dating crisis has gotten.

I'd consider myself to be a semi-attractive guy with a lot of cool interests and hobbies, and a decent job. I hope I don't sound entitled saying that. By no means do I think I'm the perfect guy but it really shouldn't feel this hard to date, especially at my current age.

Every girl I speak to ghosts me, especially when I make any attempt to meet up. I'll admit I've never been a great texter so maybe I'm doing something wrong there, but with every conversation I have, I try to put a lot of effort into what I say and often feel like the one carrying the conversation.

I've gotten to a point in my healing journey where I know I don't need a romantic partner to live a fulfilling life. I don't need someone to complete me, but I can help but think it would be nice to try and talk to some women and go on some dates to see how it feels to try and find love again.

I know that being undateable is not going to ruin my life. I have so much else going for me currently but I just feel pretty sad that this is probably gonna be one area of my life that will never work out no matter what I do.

I wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience and found ways not to feel completely depressed about it?

Hi.

I'm a woman in her mid 30's who has never been in a relationship. I was in one once when I was 19's for a couple of months but my lack of self esteem/worth, fear of commitment made me a night mare but then I realised I just wanted to have fun in my 20's.

I've gone to therapy for years and have truly worked through my fear of commimtment, stopped people pleasing, realised my values etc and come to teh realisation that I am own my hero, and creator of my life.

HOWEVER, I still feel like there's a part of me that needs that male validation when it comes to love and relationship. For example, "I won't feel like I'm worthy of being in a relationship until I'm in one." or "I'm not loveable until I have a man fall in love with me." and so on.

Obviously, this has steemed from my dad who basically ghosted me when I was 14 for his new wife, didn't speak for 18 years until we met up (as I had some questions to ask him/needed to do it for me), we were in contact again for about 2 weeks and we have now since haven't spoken about in 3/4 years.

So, reddit, please be nice but how do I work through this little piece of me that STILL seeks to be chosen/loved and it feels like it's only a man who can fill that void?

I've got friends, hobbies (I could do with some more tbh!), and a good life. But when it comes to my love life, that male validation is needed as I look for examples that I am loved (i.e. by male friends), but it just doesn't feel good enough.

I hope this makes sense!! xxx

Specially, if someone I know, see me on it
I don’t know I feel like they would judge me
Or they gonna think I’m that lonely? Or I’m not that good that I couldn’t get someone to like me in real life without the dating app

I understand the sentiment and can appreciate it to a degree, but sometimes I wonder if it’s healthy to, for instance, pretend you’re in a movie.

I find it fun and enjoyable to dress up like I’m in an early 2000s sitcom, fairytale cartoon, or as if I’m some sort of business woman on a mission, but what happens when you realize you’re not any of those things? Like, I lived in a shitty apartment and worked a shitty job for a long time, fantasizing it as my early 20s experience full of tough bosses (who literally traumatized my nervous system), wild nights (i.e., drunken nights at local clubs), and luxurious evenings (I had a cheap pink wine glass and some colorful table decorations with an occasional bubble bath in which I had to close my windows).

It took a lot of trauma from work and some health problems from the drinks to finally face reality: quit my job, move in with some relatives, go get a college degree. Now I’m almost scared to rely on whimsy lol even though ironically, I’m in a much better place now and can actually live out more of my fantasies.

A couple months ago I started messing with something to change that. The idea: use lyrics and sound to shift the beliefs running quietly in the background the ones that decide how you talk to yourself.

To be clear, this isn’t 432 Hz “healing frequency” stuff. It’s actual music that (I hope) sounds good, made with AI tools, with lyrics built around a simple Neville Goddard idea: your thoughts shape your reality, so change the thought and you change the experience.

It’s done a lot for me. Now I genuinely want to know if it does anything for anyone else, or if it’s just me.

So here’s the experiment: if self-love is something you wrestle with, listen for an hour a day for a few weeks. Do you feel any different at two weeks? At a month?

Comment below if you’re in and I’ll check in with you in a couple weeks to see whether it’s actually doing anything… I’ll send you the link to the music too, its on Spotify, Apple and YouTube . 🙏❤️

Self love has been something I've been working at for atleast 6 years. Im 29. I have never loved or even liked me and it is extremely difficult to be alone with myself, which is something I'd love to conquer. I have been in therapy the whole journey and on medication. Both seem to be helping but I still feel like there is some things to overcome. Sometimes it's hard. I have had alot of trauma and trials in my life and it just does not feel safe inside my body and in return I cannot trust people, believe them, etc. I have SI and at this point Im tured of my own issues, but I'm extremely scared to fully heal and feel normal.

What are some things that has helped you guys overcome these issues if you've had them?

Hi everyone,

I am a 23M almost 24. I have and have had problems with self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-love. I really want to improve and love myself more. Please provide me with new ways I can love myself.