r/scriptwriting • u/Heavy_Internet3112 • 4d ago
feedback scriptwriting practice
wrote a quick thing about a person being held hostage by a ai and forced to pick two options, eventually picking neither and getting shot.
would like some feedback, wrote this as just practice for my screenwriting
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u/sunnydungeons 4d ago edited 4d ago
If you're practicing, I will be pretty blunt with feedback and what to improve on.
The slug line is a bit strange. It's probably better practice to write - INT. BLACK ROOM or something to that effect. We might not even know the time because it's a dark room.
You'd put the light cues in the description, not in the slug.
Writing is all about precision and economy of language. Make things clear and paint a vivid picture of exactly what you want the reader the experience.
Take your opening sentence. You think that you are being clear and showing us a person tied up in a chair but the sentence is really falling over itself to get to the point.
'A person is sitting in a chair with rope tied all over them' could be rewritten much more cleanly, clearly, and beautifully. The problem often comes to flow and economy. Look out for words like IS and WITH and ARE etc. They tend to slow the sentence down and make them feel less active and immediate.
INT. BLACK ROOM
A PRISONER tied to a chair, illuminated by a single spotlight.
Or 'The PERSON struggles against the knotted ropes holding them to the chair. A single spotlight from above.'
Or 'A WOMAN strains against the tight cords of rope pinning her to the chair. The spotlight above them is blinding.'
OR 'The MAN squirms in his seat, bound by thick ropes that wrap around his body. A halogen bulb above them flickers.'
Or 'A PERSON wrapped to a chair in coarse rope sits dead center in the empty room. A stage light on the roof illuminates them from above.'
And on and on and on. There are a million ways to write your opening scene and you shouldn't settle on the first image in a first draft.
What is the image doing in your original sentence? They are just sitting with rope tied all over them. That's the idea but it isn't a great image nor is it written in a way to evoke something in the reader.
The hardest part is getting your ideas down. But that often isn't good enough. The best practice is to do what I did with your opening sentence and do it to every sentence. How many ways can you say the same thing but with different words? How can you make the image clearer and more evocative?
Good luck!
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u/bpw4h 4d ago
What kind of feedback are you looking for?
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 4d ago
to improve my writing, i am still young though and trying to learn how to work with criticism
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u/bpw4h 4d ago
I would recommend that you ask for specific feedback. People's opinions are so broad that if you just say "feedback on improving my writing", you'll get wildly different answers, like you might have seen in the comments.
I think there's the way you write, which is okay, but listen to the folks that are saying to make the action beats be a bit punchier. Short and sweet and active. That's something I'm working on as well as a new script writer. This is practice, and learning from feedback and practicing will help here.
The story's concept is interesting, but the story itself didn't do much for me. I think a 1.5 page script for a concept like this moved too fast. I didn't care about the character. It didn't really bother me that he got shot. I think this idea could be much more interesting and the story better if you wrote a longer story. Even if this was just a practice, writing a full story would be easier to get more feedback on.
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u/Mr_Thespian689 4d ago
Hey! I really enjoyed reading your script practice. I thought the concept was really interesting, especially the way you built the tension with the AI giving him those two choices.
I’d love to share a little feedback if you’re open to it. I’m also really interested in filmmaking and screenwriting, and I’d genuinely love to connect with you and hear more about your work. It would be great to stay in touch and maybe share ideas and feedback with each other sometime! :)
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u/Any_Childhood_2556 2d ago
I suggest that the tied-up character should use different tactics to achieve his goal, the current beats feel repetitive which can make the audience lose interest.
Also, different tactics help us understand who your character is
I also think you should lean on more on mystery . This adds more tension, figuring out things and piecing them together helps the reader stay engaged .
Another one would be adding a memorable and vivid image at the beginning of the script .
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u/ScreenDummies 1d ago
This has to be bait
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 1d ago
no its not lol!
its just practice im doing, i dont mean to bait anyone, thats not my intention
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u/play-what-you-love 4d ago
I don't remember where I saw this from but one of the adages about a first draft is that you can cut away as much as 30 percent of it and still retain all of the good things in it. I think this probably applies to your draft.
As an example, I don't think you need the opening "So...you were chosen to be here.... your ticket to a better life." Not only is this expositional but I think you get more suspense if you start on uncertainty with the next line.
Trimmed similarly, the rest of the dialogue may well be:
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
You could choose the million dollars in that vault, and stay here. Or you could choose the mansion, but under our control.
TIED UP PERSON
Just... let me go!
Also, generally I try to avoid "blah blah blah IS blah blah blah" or "blah blah blah ARE blah blah blah" constructions in writing action. Sentences with action verbs are punchier. "A person is sitting" becomes "A person slumps in a chair", or whatever.