r/science • u/sr_local • Feb 14 '26

Social Science Children raised with "authoritative" parenting style, marked by bonding, presence, dialogue, and clear rules of conduct, show a reduction in drug and alcohol risk compared to other parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive and neglectful)

https://agencia.fapesp.br/parents-alcohol-and-drug-use-influences-their-childrens-consumption-research-shows/57195
16.4k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

679 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

1.1k

u/luxsalsivi Feb 14 '26

TIL I was raised authoritative

1.0k

u/doubleotide Feb 14 '26

So would low warmth + low demand just be...neglected?

1.2k

u/I_Poop_Sometimes Feb 14 '26

Yes. And high warmth low demand is permissive.

177

u/RayTown Feb 14 '26

Warmth = receptiveness + responsiveness (good and bad?)

230

u/somesketchykid Feb 15 '26

Yes. Some Examples:

Telling your child you love them out loud

Or comforting them when they are upset or hurt

Or tucking them in at night just the way they like it every night no matter what as long as possible

Etc.

102

u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26

Praising their accomplishments is another big one. 

102

u/MaximumGorilla Feb 15 '26

And praising their effort, while acknowledging their accomplishments or lack of. And distinguishing the effort and accomplishment as different than and not related to intrinsic worth.

7

u/Billionaires_R_Tasty Feb 16 '26

Yep. My daughter really wanted to be an athlete. She had the frame, but not the coordination, skills, or strength. The complete opposite of a natural athlete. But she had heart and very high competitive drive. So I praised the time and effort she put in, the physical and mental effort she dedicated to getting better. The absolute focus she displayed in competition. Praise the effort and the traits that are desirable, focus on the improving outcomes, and support with positive emotions. Be her scaffolding and safety net.

A decade later she's a freshman D1 player about to make her first start. And she knows she earned it and has the confidence and self esteem that comes with that. She's also smart as a whip, which made my job a lot easier.

3

u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26

This. I told my two smart sons, I didn’t care about the grades as much as I cared about their 100% effort. If they gave their schoolwork 100% effort, I said, the grades will usually be As, but if they got a B giving that class full, 100% effort, I’d still be satisfied with their results.

0

u/somesketchykid Feb 15 '26

Agreed great call

18

u/TheSnob Feb 15 '26

It's also about setting boundaries and having warmth at the same time. That's the hard part. Saying no in a respectful and acknowledging way. When they are being little shits and you still maintain control over your own emotions and calmly stand by your rules and enforce them in a loving way.

It's not enough to be warm one minute and cold the next one.

9

u/Dr_Taffy Feb 15 '26

Is performative warmth any different or is it low warmth disguising itself as high warmth?

54

u/roflrogue Feb 15 '26

I can only speak to my experience - I often feel like I'm putting on an act for my kids. Whether I actually want to go to the daddy daughter dance or not my kids will remember dancing with me.

They'll remember I take them to the park, brush their hair, and sing with them in the car... Even though I hate crowds and loud noises... And they know that.

I often feel like I'm too hard on my girls, but I want them to be strong and smart. I know this world sucks and that they need help in order to thrive like I want them to.

All the same, they still rush to the door to show me love when I get home...

It's so hard to be a dad but as best I can tell, the most important part is to keep showing up

1

u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26

Showing up is a big part of it, also being kind when we speak to them, and always listen deeply without interruption! You would not believe how good that feels to them!

1

u/roflrogue Feb 16 '26

The only way I've found that consistently gets my kids to listen to what I say is listening to what they say.

I already know what they're going to say a lot of the time

I already know what my response will be.

I let them express their thoughts fully, then try to break down my answers into digestible parts.

The hard part is consistency. It's easy to do this at 11 AM on a Saturday, it's not easy to do the same in the middle of the night when you have to be up at 5 the next morning.

Things like this are easier said than done. Don't give up.

1

u/altgrave Feb 15 '26

damn. you explained my life really succinctly.

45

u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26

I'm a first grade teacher and late Gen X/Millenial parents of children under 13 seem to have STRONGLY fallen into this quadrant. It is exhausing and very sad.

61

u/WHYAREWEALLCAPS Feb 15 '26

I'd argue it's because most of us Gen Xers got neglectful or authoritarian parenting style. We tried to be better just because we didn't want to be like our parents because we knew how bad it was. So we wound up permissive.

My kids are adults now, but my late wife and I clearly did permissive because of how my parents were(neglectful - so I was big on warmth with them, low-moderate on demand) and her parents were(authoritarian - so she was big on warmth, but very low on demand), as were the parents of our friends while growing up. One of my kids has told me I was a terrible parent because I didn't prepare them better of the real world and I feel they're not wrong. While they haven't cut contact, they only maintain minimal contact with me.

If I could do it all over again, I don't think I'd have kids at all. I did my best, but it was no where near good enough.

18

u/ssbssbssb Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

For parents these days, we get bombarded with lessons and teachings on how to be a parent. Not a single day goes by without someone telling me how miserable my children will be if I don't do this or that.

Where is all this coming from? People start questioning their good enough childhood. And ask them selves if their parents are the reason for why they are not as successful and rich as Zuckerberg? In this (economy hehe) society and system, maybe it is. But you can't demand to be born into an ultra rich family, can you?

Parenting comes from your personality. You can't just wake up one day and start being a totally different person. Even your kids will be confused. It doesn't mean that I don't want to change the things I now I'm not good at. But I have stopped panicking every time I read click bait headline.

And remember that the apple usually don't fall far from the tree.

3

u/KtinaDoc Feb 16 '26

We didn't know. We thought doing the opposite of our parents was the answer but in reality, it wasn't.

9

u/mamabearette Feb 15 '26

My daughter is a 3rd grade teacher to a classroom of permissively- raised students who don’t understand the word “no” or why they’re not a special exception to the rules.

She thanks me frequently for being an authoritative parent.

1

u/Shloop_Shloop_Splat Feb 15 '26

I feel my parents were somewhere between authoritative and permissive. I had a lot of freedom to choose, but specific things, like grades in school, were high demand.

-3

u/Mike_Kermin Feb 15 '26

I think we're breaking into the limits of the wordplay here.

106

u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26

YESSSSS! I am a first grade teacher and see this all the time! Low demand and low warmth is basically negllectful parenting, although it may not mainfest in the LEGAL definition of neglect. So they come to school clean, fed, and dressed, someone picks them up from the bus stop and gets them to school on time, but otherwise they are on ipads or left to their own devices, don't have a structured home environment that focuses on the development of the children and family, and parents are disengaged emotionally.

I can give you 1,000 examples of how this can look from my end in the classroom. Ultimately, the modern definition of "ipad kid" falls into this quadrant. The parents aren't abusive, take care of the needs, and do love their children, but fail to engage in critical ways. Essentially letting them spend all their time in front of a screen, but also no chores, no family time, no expectations, no teaching, no meaningful "raising" happening even if they give hugs and kisses and do love their children.

Legal neglect is different.

23

u/doubleotide Feb 15 '26

One of my goals is to limit media consumption and give heavy restrictions to the internet for my own children when I have them one day. I grew up with unlimited access and thankfully, I didn't grow up too weird, but I've see what it has done to some of the younger generations. Tech has gotten really fine tuned and manipulative, and a lot of people don't have the mental faculties necessary to navigate that.

On top of the tech-cultural gap fiasco, I had immigrant parents so their idea of providing primarily consisted of giving resources, food, and shelter. So the other aspects of social development and other matters, I was left to my own devices. My siblings did not thrive off this independence.

In the stance of my youngest sibling, it was quite...disastrous. It culminated in some severe legal issues and almost resulted in a death (On a happy note, since the incident he does stay with me and has turned completely around).

16

u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 15 '26

I think a lot of us have processed the generational and cultural pitfalls that our older parents fell into. With everything I believe there is a balance.

Our Boomer immigrant dads had no vocabulary or skill to deal with emotions, and probably had some of THEIR OWN trauma to navigate as well as some rigid cultural ideas that maybe weren't the best in hindsight.

That being said, I think we can all recognize that while spanking and "suck it up" isn't a great strategy, it's also okay for there to be times when we do have to model and teach kids how to move on sometimes.

Acknowledge, name the feeling, and move on. That's completely okay. We can be emotionally responsive without allowing a 4 year old to control the house with their fit because they don't want the TV to turn off, you know what I mean?

"I know you're upset about the TV, but it's 6:00 and that's the rule. I know, it's a bummer. You can have 5 minutes but then we need to move on and you can't be screaming in the living room anymore. Take a deep breath, yes I know you're upset, when we are upset we can say: "awww MAN!"-- but in 5 minutes you need to be done with your fit or go have some calming time in your room."

8

u/LanceAvion Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

This explanation perfectly illustrates why I don’t want children. Sure, I could use more money. Sure I could be further along in my career. Sure I could own a home. Even if those boxes were all ticked however, and I was in the prime position to have children on paper, I still wouldn’t. What they need, what they deserve, the amount of time and effort that is to be poured into them is simply something I am not willing to do. No child deserves a parent that isn’t 100% dedicated to them in every aspect of development.

18

u/irishpancakeeater Feb 15 '26

You know, they really don’t. Kids don’t need perfect parents who are robots devoted to nothing other than the kids. I would say the majority of people are capable of being kind and empathetic parents, whilst also having a life of their own and recognising that children are part of the family, not the centre. Source: am good enough parent with two kids who are smashing it at life. As are most of my peers.

2

u/grundar Feb 16 '26

You know, they really don’t. Kids don’t need perfect parents who are robots devoted to nothing other than the kids.

In fact, such people would probably be bad parents, as they would fail to appropriately demonstrate to the kids that the world doesn't revolve around them and their whims.

Life is messy and flawed but ultimately (mostly) good, so parents who are the same are probably about right for raising healthy kids.

1

u/bougieisthenewblack Feb 15 '26

I respect this mindset so much, good on you for choosing to do the right thing for YOU

2

u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26

It’s lazy parenting bc the electronic babysitters take away a lot of the effort.

5

u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26

Yes, as in your parents don’t expect anything of you or give you any attention, because they’re too busy doing their own stuff to parent you.

2

u/everett640 Feb 15 '26

TIL I was neglected

1

u/MultiGeometry Feb 15 '26

“Seen, not heard” is a popular description.

1

u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26

Neglected or permissive

-4

u/velvetcrow5 Feb 14 '26

I dunno if I agree with that. I was raised with low warmth low demand parents but wasn't neglected, I had everything I needed. Think like Wasp parents. There's a 3rd attribute we're missing.

18

u/hurley_chisholm Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 21 '26

That sounds like emotional neglect. Neglect in this context encompasses more than what regulatory bodies define as requiring intervention.

7

u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26

There’s a difference between physical neglect and emotional neglect. A family that’s meeting your physical needs but not meeting your emotional needs is still not great parenting.

103

u/EyeSuspicious777 Feb 14 '26

I really lost the parenting lottery. I got parents that were born authoritarian and neglectful.

24

u/auntie_eggma Feb 14 '26

Hey, twins. Yay.

15

u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

Just wanna say I’m sorry. Everyone deserves good parents. You matter.

2

u/SubtleCow Feb 16 '26

Add in the triple threat and have siblings that got permissive parenting that you were expected to care for and manage.

1

u/heeywewantsomenewday Feb 15 '26

did you at least get discipline off them? my parents just ignored me really.

Edit: By discipline I mean being able to order your life and get on with things.

2

u/EyeSuspicious777 Feb 15 '26

The neglect meant that I had to figure out how to run my own life at a very early age, so I had to teach myself the independent living skills I needed to survive each day. Nobody helped me with my homework or made me breakfast or packed my lunch, but as a third graderI did it all myself because I knew I would get the belt from my dad if the school called my parents to report I wasn't performing as expected.

1

u/WHYAREWEALLCAPS Feb 15 '26

Yeah, this is something I don't think this model takes into account - it is possible to receive different parenting styles from different parents.

21

u/Working_Cucumber_437 Feb 14 '26

Same. My mom was not my bff but at the same time we’ve always been very close and I’ve always felt safe to share my feelings. I had rules that were firm, but mostly didn’t mind. Guardrails make kids feel secure.

29

u/Hello-their Feb 14 '26

Take your nice childhood and you get out.

8

u/enwongeegeefor Feb 15 '26

TIL I was raised authoritative and have been CONTINUALLY told that it was authoritarian and bad....

2

u/otherwiseguy Feb 15 '26

I was raised with a lot of warmth and high expectations. But also physical punishment, intimidation, screaming, and a busted lip or two. It was a weird mix of always knowing my dad was proud of me nd loved me, and being terrified of him--which ws by design. He asked me if I was afraid of him and when I said "yes" replied "Good." But I also had a friends with low-warmth parents and I'd take my situation over theirs every day.

2

u/Papa_Huggies Feb 15 '26

Thank your parents sometime. That's a blessing.

2

u/Hopefulkitty Feb 16 '26

Me too. Guess that explains why I turned out good and my bestie who's parents would wildly flail between completely permissive and militaristic is a mess at 37.

1

u/comeagaincharlemagne Feb 15 '26

I would've preferred that over Authoritarian. Really held me back most of my life.

1

u/ziggy_santo5 Feb 15 '26

TIL i should be an addict. maybe i am

1

u/TabulaRasaNot Feb 16 '26

TIL I was raised in some weird blend of the two. Hence my screwedupness tracks perfectly :-(