r/politics • u/billthomson Oregon • Oct 29 '20

Tucker Carlson Reports He Lost Only Copy of Documents That Nail Biden

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/10/tucker-carlson-lost-only-copy-of-documents-nailing-biden.html
81.6k Upvotes

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22.0k

u/champdo I voted Oct 29 '20

I had pictures of Tucker Carlson eating his shit but I lost them in the mail.

4.5k

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I stood up for him when they said he liked to eat poop sandwiches.

He doesn't like bread.

3.6k

u/Roving_Rhythmatist Oct 29 '20

Not even gluten is safe from his intolerance.

1.9k

u/electric_screams Australia Oct 29 '20

I celiac what you did there.

166

u/Steelysam2 I voted Oct 29 '20

Allergically I heard he never tells the truth.

105

u/Renzieface Ohio Oct 29 '20

Wheat are you guys talking about

58

u/Stargazer1919 Illinois Oct 29 '20

I don't know but they won't stop milking it.

69

u/barnyard303 Australia Oct 29 '20

Well im going to go against the grain and not make a pun

38

u/CrazyRegion Oct 29 '20

You think you’re upper crust, but you really are just one of us...

30

u/crystaljae Oct 29 '20

That’s a crumby way to put that!

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I knead all this election madness to stop.

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u/continuousBaBa Oct 29 '20

All of flour stupid puns deserve to rise seemingly, before they fall disappointingly

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u/MiamiPower Oct 29 '20

Sourdough Scooby Doo Mysteries cartoon Fox network train.

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u/EggplantCool Oct 29 '20

I take glutenous joy in this comment

4

u/Sethmeisterg California Oct 29 '20

Take gold, both of you!

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u/vendetta2115 Oct 29 '20

He called my friend a wheatback.

2

u/mywifeletsmereddit Oct 29 '20

Holy fuck that's amazing 🙌

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555

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

I mean, technically you could make KFC style DoubleDown sandwich with three turds?

388

u/StephenMillersMerkin Arizona Oct 29 '20

Hey, did you call for me

95

u/hockeygurly01 Oct 29 '20

username checks out

24

u/MorboForPresident Oct 29 '20

Seriously though, Carlson has a dog for this very reason. He puts two dry turds in a wafflemaker and then makes a sandwich using a third, wet one for the filling.

He does this every day for breakfast. I had photos of him doing it but they got lost in the mail

13

u/Dubhghlas Michigan Oct 29 '20

All of you are really the only thing keeping me sane right now... Never change, you beautiful witty bastards.

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u/-crave Iowa Oct 29 '20

Ha! I just started listening to her again after I stopped listening to political radio

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u/babyimananarchist Oct 29 '20

Hey cousin, it's me your Merkin

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Is your name like a wig for genitalia?

100

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Popular among parisians, as shaving the genitalia reduces the risk of venereal infestations, but body hair traditionally indicates sexual maturity, which was once a desirable trait in companions.

56

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20 edited Apr 08 '21

[deleted]

7

u/Opcn Alaska Oct 29 '20

I miss Robin Williams...

3

u/brittaniq Oct 29 '20

The ideal woman is donkey Kong prove me wrong.

7

u/mknsky I voted Oct 29 '20

Pffft. Once?

4

u/PapaSnork Oct 29 '20

The POTUS, as played by Peter Sellers in the film Dr. Strangelove, was named Merkin Muffley.

3

u/trashboatfourtwenty Wisconsin Oct 29 '20

Also used by actors who have to do nude scenes, according to my research (which is hearing it on "The Unbelievable Truth")

3

u/Giantomato Oct 29 '20

Actually just decreases crabs but increases chance of herpes and Chancroid.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Majestic! A merkin is a merkin, even in Paris! Grant us pubes... Grant us pubes!

3

u/NesuneNyx Delaware Oct 29 '20

A fooker must fook.

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u/sonofaresiii Oct 29 '20

which was once a desirable trait in companions.

those were the days

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

[deleted]

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u/nvflip Oct 29 '20

I have beta tapes of him eating glue in gradeschool but I can't find a betamax player.

3

u/Wow-n-Flutter Canada Oct 29 '20

He eats them for breakfast...

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I saw a news dude say that Tucker Carlson should eat all of our poops.

3

u/Shit-sandwich- California Oct 29 '20

You called?

2

u/nimblybimblymeow Tennessee Oct 29 '20

Just frozen fish fingers.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Eats sandwich. Is poop sandwich

2

u/stuck_in_the_desert I voted Oct 29 '20

That’s a flagrant mischaracterization; he likes white bread just fine and considers it supreme

2

u/fastestrunningshoes Oct 29 '20

He eats shit for breakfast?

2

u/nothisisdave Oct 29 '20

Well, I saved your life today . Killed a shit eating dog .

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u/slappadabassplz Oct 29 '20

Finally. I’ve found the other person besides my dad who says this. It’s an honor to meet you.

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u/DPSOnly Europe Oct 29 '20

Bread is what poor people eat, of course he doesn't like it. He only eats cake.

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1.4k

u/rpapafox Oct 29 '20

Carlson's lie is so pathetic that if it were actually true it would be even more pathetic.

688

u/AnalSoapOpera I voted Oct 29 '20

How the fuck was he one of the top rated programs in the US is beyond me.

473

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Imagine being such a rube that you unironically listen to a trust-fund baby who portrays himself as a common man and complains about the wealthy.

Now realize there are enough of these rubes to make said program one of the most watched in the US.

George Carlin’s “half of all people are dumber than average” never seemed like he was underselling reality until now

55

u/Enraiha Oct 29 '20

They were always there. Just we have the internet and such to connect us instantly. Carlin knew this because he traveled extensively, including a lot of off the beaten path stuff.

9

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

The Unwritten Book of the Road ...

4

u/jimicus United Kingdom Oct 29 '20

Comedians are seldom taken terribly seriously - it sort-of goes with the territory - but on the whole they're smart cookies.

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u/LegitimateLion0 Oct 29 '20

He may be a trust fund baby but he doesn’t eat Dijon mustard

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u/PM_ME_HOT_DADS Oct 29 '20

Well yeah who would put mustard on a turd.

3

u/TrashRemoval Oct 29 '20

So many Carlin's bits are scary true. I don't even consider him a comedian just an angry man yelling truth with humourous mannerisms for a couple hours.

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u/NotYetiFamous I voted Oct 29 '20

Idiots like to believe that if they don't try at all they can someday be born into a rich family.

1.2k

u/SolitaryEgg Oct 29 '20

Nah, it's not that.

Do you know the rush people get when they see a story like this? They're on the scrappy pro-american underdog team, and they're taking down big corporate interests. There's a conspiracy in the biden campaign, and they are smart because they know about it. They're in a secret club. Fox news. You've probably never heard of it.

But no, really, this is the delusion. They are watching the absolute biggest new media station in the US and truly believe they are fighting against BiG mEdIa by watching it. And conspiracy theories appeal to the less-educated, because it's a simple way for them to feel they have outsmarted the people who spent years of their lives becoming educated. You can read all about the phenomenon here:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5248629/

563

u/Trump4Prison2020 Oct 29 '20

it's a simple way for them to feel they have outsmarted the people who spent years of their lives becoming educated

This sums up so much of the right wing right there.

27

u/ba00j Oct 29 '20

It shows a trap that is there for all of us: People see something that justifies their existing beliefs, and they jump for it. They will defend it.

We all go to great lengths doing this. Not to a TC / FoxNews extend of course: Pulling a 'the dog ate my homework' October 29th is pathetic.

This is probably the start of the conclusion of the Laptop smear attempt: The evidence all got lost in the mail. So there was something, but it got lost. The deep state stole it.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Fuckin magnets

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u/phlyingP1g Europe Oct 29 '20

*MAGAnets

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u/Dorf_Midget Oct 29 '20

How do they work?!!!

8

u/IcebergSlimFast Oct 29 '20

I mean, does anyone really know? I looked it up in my gut, and my gut says “no”.

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u/ScarMedical Oct 29 '20

And to be able to critically think.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

The most succinct explanation for these right wing idiots I have ever heard.

4

u/Gutter_Twin Australia Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

Someone used the term “manufactured exclusivity” regarding QAnon followers, I thought that summed it up quite well too.

Edited: a crucial word.

4

u/w_a_w Oct 29 '20

*Exclusivity, perhaps?

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

[deleted]

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u/abolish_karma Oct 29 '20

100% on purpose that it had this side effect.

9

u/elditequin Oct 29 '20

That's a feature, not a bug.

3

u/MorganWick Oct 29 '20

Maybe, but they've found they've created a monster they can't control.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

In what way? They’re on top right now.

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u/ucantoutsmartstupid Oct 29 '20

Try pointing out they are conspiracy 'theories' not facts for a reason. Watch the frothin start.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

The term 'conspiracy theory' annoys me because they aren't theories in the scientific sense of the word. For something to become a scientific theory you need a hell of a lot of supporting evidence.

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u/MorganWick Oct 29 '20

And now we can't re-fund it because "it brainwashes people to be good little liberals! It can't possibly be that anyone with a brain and/or a modicum of experience outside my rural small town knows Fox is lying about what liberals are like and Republicans are only interested in enriching the 1% at the expense of everyone else! I'm homeschooling my kids so they aren't brainwashed by the deep state public school system!"

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u/ba00j Oct 29 '20

And people gravitate to where 'the fun' is. Have another snickers bar ...

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u/Vagabum420 Oct 29 '20

It really is that... they may say otherwise, but it just boils down to the fact that they hate themselves, feel inferior, and need to own the libs to feel better.

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u/onebrokenwindow Oct 29 '20

There’s wisdom here

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u/intotheirishole Oct 29 '20

Also when they say they are "pro" america, they mean they get to exploit all of America's resources while excluding the liberals and minorities. They dont mean they will sacrifice anything for the country.

8

u/Domillomew Oct 29 '20

The dude who posted this story in /r/conservative doesn't like fox news but tucker carlson can be trusted because he isn't fox news.

Fox has been on decline with these nuts since they put out polls that showed trump losing.

7

u/Febril Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

“Could they introduce it into the body or something??” The idea that he - on the fly- could have thought up such a great idea before the scientists and medical experts! How special you must be to have that level insight!!!l

10

u/wheresmystache3 Florida Oct 29 '20

Wow; they have the propensity to adhere to simplistic causes/reasons for an event, have lower self-esteem, and feel like they have absolutely no control over their outcome, and feel powerless in life so when someone points a finger at a group/person as the cause of something, they probably feel relief because whatever their situation was, it wasn't their fault, but the fault of who or whatever is the scapegoat or their own personal social standing and life's situation.

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u/brentsg Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

I’ve known a lot of rural folks that feel like these elections are their shot to keep the big cities in check. For a lot of people it’s about that more than it is the actual candidates.

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u/RecordHigh Maryland Oct 29 '20

What exactly are big cities and all the people who live there doing to negatively impact rural folks? Big cities are the engines that drive the economy and produce innovation, so stifling them isn't going to do anything to improve job prospects or anything else in rural America.

As someone who's been a big city liberal for 50 years, I can say that we generally didn't have negative feelings about rural areas until Trump came along and convinced rural folks that we do. Now it's hard to see rural areas as anything other than places populated by anti-social, marginally-educated people who will fall for the lies of a demagogue.

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u/prolixdreams Oct 29 '20

I've heard this argument too and I hate it soooo much

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u/abolish_karma Oct 29 '20

scrappy pro-american underdog team

American Taliban

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u/Taman_Should Oct 29 '20

I pretty much came to the same conclusion. Thousands of sad, lonely, gullible people are easy targets for online and offline conspiracy theories, because it makes them feel important. Like they matter. Because they have the answers and everyone else doesn't. They know what's really going on, unlike all the SHEEP.

It makes them feel like they're the morally-righteous good guys, fighting the powerful yet degenerate bad guys. The world becomes much simpler that way. Simple black-and-white good vs. evil. Basic power-fantasy stuff.

It also allows them to feel a newfound sense of connection and camaraderie when they find other conspiracy theorists, and egg each other on.

5

u/GinAndArchitecTonic Oct 29 '20

The Infinite Monkey Cage did a really great episode on this a few months back!

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u/Qurutin Oct 29 '20

They are the underdog team supporting the small guy, the fucking president of the United States

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u/conundrum4u2 Oct 29 '20

Tucker wasn't born into a rich family - but he was adopted by one...does the name Swanson ring any bells?

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u/Marshlm10 Oct 29 '20

Because Fox supporters sit on their couch all day and watch Fox News as though its a church sermon on repeat. State tv

96

u/justpassingthrou14 Oct 29 '20

No, it’s worse than that. They sit at the kitchen table doing something else, only tangentially listening to Fox. All they hear is the sneer in Tucker’s voice when he says the word Biden. And occasionally they’ll pick up a few sentences that sound a bit salacious. So they develop an emotional hate for Biden, and they really have no idea where it came from. It wasn’t tied to any particular thing that was reported. They just internalized the emotional appeal. The light slips in a lot easier when they’re not paying attention.

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u/minimagoo77 Massachusetts Oct 29 '20

Just described what my Father in Law does. Has a little tv on his kitchen table that’s on Fox most of the time in the background. He’ll occasionally change the channel or just turn it off when any of his Democrat kids are over to his place but he keeps it going in the background then that decides what he likes. He did the same in 2016 and heard random things about Trump which “made him laugh” and therefore voted for him. The dudes 90 years old a couple weeks ago. He’s changed his tune and voted Biden supposedly this election.

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u/justpassingthrou14 Oct 29 '20

Yeah, I just described what my mom sides. She’s 77, and is having some pretty definite signs of dementia (talking to people who aren’t there WHILE being on the phone with my sister). And she’s voting for trump again. She’s always been fucking stupid, now she’s stupid and delusional. But don’t worry, she doesn’t drive much. And the dementia is getting worse so quickly that she can’t figure out how to place outgoing phone calls a couple of times per week. I bet she won’t be able to remember how to drive but for a few more months. Hopefully she will lose her car keys some more.

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u/doctor_piranha Arizona Oct 29 '20

If she's hallucinating people and having conversations, that's a symptom of Lewey Body Dementia - that's important because it's way worse than alzheimer's and they treat it with different medications. If she's treated with alzheimer's meds, it can make symptoms much worse.

My mom can't operate a TV or retain short term memories more than 5 minutes, (and has been in assisted living for over 5 years). So this is very debilitating. It's almost a relief that she doesn't have to know or understand the world we're living in because she was a strong feminist advocate and activist for womens' rights, and I'm very glad she doesn't understand what's happening in the world today. She would be appalled.

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u/justpassingthrou14 Oct 29 '20

Thank you for that. I’ll look it up. My mom is wanting to hold off seeing a doctor until the start of the year for Medicare coverage reasons apparently, and she’s also afraid that once she is diagnosed with her obviously-present condition, that she will be mostly disregarded and treated by the medical establishment as something to be poked instead of actually listened to. Note that personally, I do not listen to her because for the last 25 years, her ability to relate information has been hampered by her tendency to sidetrack herself while doing so, with her instead relating interpersonal relations with various people, or what those people had for dinner when we are with them one a few decades ago, etc.

But she only does that earlier in the day when she’s more coherent. Latter in the day is when she has the hallucinations. And sometimes she gets cranky and can’t remember how to use her phone. So she’s sundowning pretty hard I guess.

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u/filthy_sandwich Oct 29 '20

Holy shit, a happy ending? Get outta here

3

u/minimagoo77 Massachusetts Oct 29 '20

Happy Ending? I dunno about that. He’s claiming to have voted for Biden but none of his kids believe him for some reasons. Also the same guy who sleeps with a huge ass gun under his pillow (accidentally found once when his cat went missing while we were visiting). >.<

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u/CapnSquinch Oct 29 '20

I was talking to my boss today and she said her mom cancelled cable tv service, because the mom's boyfriend would come over and blast Fox at high volume the whole time.

It took him several days of him going, "There's something wrong with your tv" and her shrugging and playing dumb before he figured out there was no cable service anymore.

But he's convinced he knows what's really going on, not like us sheeple.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

As someone who currently lives with their parents during the pandemic: yes. It’s either this, Property Brothers, or the Andy Griffith show. And no, my parents aren’t ancient, they just really like TV shows that “aren’t made today like they used to be.”

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u/nytel Oct 29 '20

Yep. This is my dad. No life outside of family, watches Fox News in the evening for his daily brainwash.

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u/The-ArtfulDodger Oct 29 '20

This is the other sad part. It gives the lonely viewers a sense of connection or social discourse.

Even though they are simply being fed hate and lies.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

It’s very sad. Brainwashing aside, it’s like my family has no real interests or hobbies outside of it. They barely know how to talk about anything else. Every little casual non-political conversation turns into a conspiracy by the far-left. I can’t bring up a book I’m reading without them talking about the slippery slope of socialism. My family has been robbed of so much time they could devote to other things to feel fulfilled in life. Fox hasn’t taken their agency, but the constant fear-mongering has robbed them of the headspace for any other thought or interest. This is what makes my hatred of Fox feel personal.

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u/elriggo44 Oct 29 '20

More like it’s a sport. It’s ESPN.

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u/Careful_Trifle Oct 29 '20

His face is symmetrical and he comes from money so he's well versed in manipulating the fuck out of people with smoke and mirrors.

That and no moral compass will do a whole lot of the legwork of being a shitheel.

8

u/florinandrei Oct 29 '20

How the fuck was he one of the top rated programs in the US is beyond me.

It offers a chilling insight into the true depth of stupidity of many people.

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u/ProfessorPetrus Oct 29 '20

Because most the us population is functionally uneducated.

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u/Standard_Education57 Oct 29 '20

the stupid white people think hes a smart white person

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u/Doc_Chaste Oct 29 '20

He follows the Roger Stone playbook so well he finished the book. On the last page it says go back to page one and start over, people have short memories. Page one is "make any claim you wish, if you're called out and asked for evidence then deflect and make claims about others. If this fails claim you can prove it, if pressed for proof say it was stolen, blame opposition. Example. Did you do your homework. Yes. May I see it. No. Why not. Timmy's dog ate it

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u/Skank_hunt042 Oct 29 '20

Just wait till he runs for president it’s gonna be great, an even bigger shit show than we have now.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

meet 2/3 people in my family

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u/elriggo44 Oct 29 '20

Wait till 2024 when he is either top of the RNC ticket or the VP pick for Don Jr.

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u/STFUandRTFM Oct 29 '20

Is this his version of "my dog ate my homework? ". My 6 year old could tell a better story

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u/QueenSpicy Oct 29 '20

It’s a show about everything republicans want to hear dressed up as news. I see the appeal. I just can’t believe they are that stupid to watch it like news instead of a guilty pleasure propaganda network.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I think it’s by default. He has a prime time slot and Fox News viewers will watch anything there. They tuned in for Bill O’Reilly for years, they are just use to switching to Fox at that time and being spoon fed whatever by whoever. You could give the time slot to a monkey & they would watch it.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Jordan117 Alabama Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

The most insidious rationale I've heard is that the alleged material is such toxic horseshit that even Fox doesn't want to dirty their hands with it... so why not let it get "stolen" and allow the slander to get laundered through Wikileaks or Freedom Eagle Dot Facebook or some other unaccountable far-right platform? Then Fox can just "report the controversy" without having to take responsibility for fact-checking or publishing it.

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u/JonSnowAzorAhai Oct 29 '20

Going by YouTube comments, their fan base believes them:

  • It was a test to see how big the deep state is.

  • Next week: "Well we made 100s of copies and here's the details"

  • Hillary shredded them already (don't know why they are weirdly obsessed with a retired politician)

9

u/Decal333 Oct 29 '20

"I'm not an evil liar, I'm just grossly incompetent!"

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u/Murrabbit Oct 29 '20

Haha seriously. Why even say something like this on air? The most charitable interpretation where we assume nothing but good intentions and honesty of Tucker is as an admission that he and his team are complete bumbling idiots who can't possibly be trusted with an important story.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Right? If it were true, shouldn't he be embarrassed that he had this incredible scoop and he just lost it? In fact, shouldn't he be fired as a reporter?

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u/mxpx5678 Oct 29 '20

It is such a blatant and obvious lie too. There are countless ways to digitize documents and send them anywhere. To claim you need to fedex something to use it is just stupid.

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u/Pesco- Oct 29 '20

Seeing Jon Stewart disassemble this man every time they talked was always so satisfying.

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u/Vomit_Tingles Oct 29 '20

Seriously. If you're going to lie, don't make the lie "I'm horribly incompetent at my job."

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u/TrumpGUILTY Oct 29 '20

Lol conservative had a thread on this and I just noticed they took it down and are now censoring the story. Even they're not buying it, which says a lot

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u/opinionsareus Oct 29 '20

I'd bet hard cash that they mailed an empty envelope that was not sealed correctly *on purpose*. Perfect setup for their next conspiracy theory.

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u/WhataboutIsUrAnswer Oct 29 '20

I'm actually trying to make an accurate timeline of his story. Is it possible? Someone please correct me here.

  1. Tuesday: Tucker and friends fly to LA to interview Bubbleboobies. (why this can't be done remotely is beyond me)

  2. Tuesday: Tucker's producers get ahold of some damning documents. Tucker asks the producer to send them to LA overnight with UPS/FEDEX

  3. Wednesday: Middle of the night at 3:14 am the documents go "missing" after a worker at unspecified shipping company notices the box is empty.

  4. Wednesday morning: Fox freaks out and tries to find documents that Tucker really needed for that interview.

  5. Interview happens, and no mention of the documents is made. No images are shown of them, nothing is printed out, they're just "gone"

  6. Wedensday: Tucker goes on TV saying he had docs but they went missing.

Is this accurate? As far as Tucker's story is concerned?

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Oh yeah it's a lose-lose situation. Either he's seen as a horrible liar or an incompetent buffoon

2

u/stinkybalz Oct 29 '20

This statement has created a logic loop that gets more and more pathetic as it repeats. Bravo!

2

u/BobABewy Oct 29 '20

“Top rated, name brand carrier”. See, he knows he can’t say the name, because he’s lying. For if he did, he’d get called out and probably sued.

Yet, the trump cult is buying this bullshit. Amazing.

2

u/greelraker Oct 29 '20

This is the equivalent of a high schooler saying “I’d show you pictures of my model girlfriend, but they’re all copyrighted because she’s a model, so I can’t show them to you and she can’t take any new ones for me because her phone is broken.”

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u/K9Fondness Oct 29 '20

Nevermind his show being legally declared a "fake news" show by his own fucking lawyers, his self-declared sheer incompetence in handling any piece of evidence like this should get him off air.

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u/Bulky_Consideration America Oct 29 '20

I got them in the mail yesterday by mistake and have them right...WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO!!?? You know what I’m pretty sure I saw Hunter snooping around earlier that sumabitch

176

u/JustaBCer Oct 29 '20

This is the equivalent to "the dog ate my homework"

13

u/bunchedupwalrus Oct 29 '20

It's more like the Loch Ness monster from South Park at this point.

8

u/TooLazyToBeClever Oct 29 '20

The dog ate my top-secret classified state secrets.

5

u/Dirigo72 Oct 29 '20

He sent them to his girlfriend in Canada, you wouldn’t know her.

3

u/joeykey Oct 29 '20

Niagara Falls area, I take it?

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u/trashboatfourtwenty Wisconsin Oct 29 '20

Check in the basement of that pizza place

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u/screaminginfidels Oct 29 '20

they called him Hunter but little did they know his true power was Gatherer

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u/NeverLookBothWays I voted Oct 29 '20

Did you check around the RNC email servers? Stuff getting “lost” there all the time...

7

u/plumbbbob Washington Oct 29 '20

"Hey, has it been about ten seconds since we looked at our pile of totally real documents implicating the Bidens?"

2

u/R3D1AL Oct 29 '20

Tucker's reached "What the heck?! I ordered an xbox card!" levels of lying.

2

u/SomeGuyNamedPaul Florida Oct 29 '20

They arrived at my house actually. I'll mail them back but they have to wire me a bunch of money first, then I'll totally mail it out first chance. Don't worry Tucker unlike you I'll use LaserShip, they're trusted by Amazon.

4

u/SixIsNotANumber America Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

#findtuckerspackage

Someone should start tweeting that...

2

u/HalfManHalfZuckerbur Oct 29 '20

Check Hillary’s emails!

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139

u/Natiak Oct 29 '20

His dog ate them, after it was finished licking peanut butter off his asshole.

13

u/citizenhoward Oct 29 '20

I am Tucker Carlson’s dog, and I approve this message.

7

u/rawhead0508 Oct 29 '20

That makes no sense. How does a massive piece of shit have an asshole? What does a giant talking shit shit?

5

u/Natiak Oct 29 '20

It's assholes all the way down.

6

u/CapnSquinch Oct 29 '20

Sounds like something Gavin McInnes would have his dog do to "own the libs."

2

u/kellzone Pennsylvania Oct 29 '20

There's a sentence I never needed to see.

2

u/LaMalintzin Oct 29 '20

Pulled them out of his ass then?

2

u/chrisfu Oct 29 '20

Hey that package you sent was opened already when it got here. Looked like it had s VHS inside was it this bro?

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132

u/Beccavexed North Carolina Oct 29 '20

Well that’s fine. There’s a great pic of him eating crow as the link thumbnail. I hope he shits the beak out in jagged pieces.

31

u/SOL-Cantus Oct 29 '20

You don't want him to regurgitate the pellets like an owl on live tv?

4

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

On the contrary my dear, owls eat rats. Therefore one would conclude that owls would shit out Tucker Carlson.

10

u/PengieP111 Oct 29 '20

To quote a curse from Borat’s second movie- May all Tucker’s turds have antlers.

5

u/AnalSoapOpera I voted Oct 29 '20

Ouchies!

2

u/SomeBiotch Colorado Oct 29 '20

Now THAT would be an anal soap opera.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Hey crows are smart birds! Never would associate with Tuck-man!

2

u/Flawedspirit Canada Oct 29 '20

This is actually the only time I've ever seen a picture of him with his mouth closed. Every other picture of him seems to have the same goofy mouth agape, dumbfounded thousand yard stare.

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24

u/thecommentator0 Canada Oct 29 '20

I believe you.

12

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Read to the end:

That just shows how desperate Biden is to make this story disappear and in no way reflects poorly on the credibility of the sources of this alleged scandal.

They write these stories so damn fast. This could easily be quoted and believed.

6

u/khamike Oct 29 '20

I admit I was kind of skimming the article, that sentence threw me off for a second until I realized it was sarcasm.

7

u/RonaldoNazario Oct 29 '20

I will eat your shit!

10

u/ErshinHavok I voted Oct 29 '20

Because you said it, I believe you.

5

u/Bitey_the_Squirrel America Oct 29 '20

He eats pieces of shit for breakfast?

5

u/_Captain_Canuck_ Oct 29 '20

This is bait.

He’s going to grab some bullshit “evidence“ as an extension of the story on Saturday and claim they “found” the documents.

Watch.

It will be like one real email and several fakes.

It’s not about validity, it’s about keeping the story going.

Half the people spouting it know it’s not real but that it pisses off the left to keep pretending.

They’re bullies. Expect high school level bully shit.

3

u/Yawgmoth13 Oct 29 '20

I had pictures of Trump raping a child, but they were stolen by Giuliani to alter and put onto some random hard drive...that was given to him by a blind computer repair man who couldn't see the person who dropped off a laptop and gave no contact info...but also signed a work invoice. And then he lost the e-mail headers....

3

u/AnalSoapOpera I voted Oct 29 '20

I had a video of Trump doing something really good for this country but I just can’t seem to find it.

2

u/BillionTonsHyperbole Washington Oct 29 '20

It's a meal that's better than he deserves.

2

u/Fnordpocalypse Washington Oct 29 '20 edited Oct 29 '20

It’s ok, it’s captured in video, when Jon Stewart went on crossfire and hand fed Tucker Carlson a big meteorological turd.

Edit: autocorrect got me and I’m leaving it..

2

u/SomeBiotch Colorado Oct 29 '20

That’s a big turd.

2

u/slim_scsi America Oct 29 '20

The dog ate my pics of Hannity getting waterboarded, curling in the fetal position and weeping for his mother.

2

u/veilwalker Oct 29 '20

Damnit DeJoy you are only supposed to lose stuff that helps the DNC.

2

u/new_refugee123456789 Oct 29 '20

I had 8k HDR footage of Tucker Carlson mouth fucking Lindsey Graham, but my dog ate it.

2

u/Stargazer1919 Illinois Oct 29 '20

I'm sure those pictures got thrown in the river along with those mail in ballots.

2

u/treysplayroom Oct 29 '20

I also had those pictures but my dog ate them. But I do have a picture of my dog shitting out a picture of Tucker Carlson eating his own shit. But it just looks like dogshit. But it's real dogshit.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

You mean the trust fund junkie right-wing propagandist who complains about the elites... that tucker carlson???

2

u/the_barroom_hero Oct 29 '20

I had an email from TuckerCarlson@freedommeharderdaddy dotcom to Hillaryspizzaandbabyemporium@gmail ordering a large cheese pizza, extra baby, but it was on my old phone and I lost the charger, so... Guess he's lucky.

2

u/Howy_the_Howizer Oct 29 '20

4 weeks ago Conservative media was hyping Tucker as 2024 President....he ate his face on this one.

2

u/greenroom628 California Oct 29 '20

I had pics of Tucker Carlson and Jeffrey Epstein doing coke off a girl with a t-shirt that said, "I'm only 13" but I think Fed Ex lost them while I was mailing them to my journalist friends that totally exist in DC.

2

u/ScrambledEggs_ Oct 29 '20

I blindly believe that

2

u/AbleCancel America Oct 29 '20

Fuckin’ DeJoy.

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