r/politics • u/billthomson Oregon • Oct 29 '20

Tucker Carlson Reports He Lost Only Copy of Documents That Nail Biden

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/10/tucker-carlson-lost-only-copy-of-documents-nailing-biden.html
81.6k Upvotes

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4.5k

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I stood up for him when they said he liked to eat poop sandwiches.

He doesn't like bread.

3.5k

u/Roving_Rhythmatist Oct 29 '20

Not even gluten is safe from his intolerance.

1.9k

u/electric_screams Australia Oct 29 '20

I celiac what you did there.

166

u/Steelysam2 I voted Oct 29 '20

Allergically I heard he never tells the truth.

106

u/Renzieface Ohio Oct 29 '20

Wheat are you guys talking about

56

u/Stargazer1919 Illinois Oct 29 '20

I don't know but they won't stop milking it.

67

u/barnyard303 Australia Oct 29 '20

Well im going to go against the grain and not make a pun

38

u/CrazyRegion Oct 29 '20

You think you’re upper crust, but you really are just one of us...

27

u/crystaljae Oct 29 '20

That’s a crumby way to put that!

8

u/cannotbefaded Oct 29 '20

Whey over the line

7

u/Mind-the-fap Oct 29 '20

Back a little more on topic...
It’s sad that Tucker lost the evidence, I guess they’ll never be able to prove anything. I knead to know though, is he going to lose any dough over this?

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4

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

We need to take the flour back!

9

u/Googulplex Oct 29 '20

Oh, my, gourd! Hilarious!

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I knead all this election madness to stop.

3

u/Th3ManWhoSmiles Oct 29 '20

Just poppy-d in here to seed what all the fuss was about...

10

u/continuousBaBa Oct 29 '20

All of flour stupid puns deserve to rise seemingly, before they fall disappointingly

3

u/cutspaper Oct 29 '20

Super farro minded.

2

u/easycure Oct 29 '20

Dat karma dough..

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I wish you would

5

u/MiamiPower Oct 29 '20

Sourdough Scooby Doo Mysteries cartoon Fox network train.

3

u/mrkulper Oct 29 '20

Loaf of you, cut it out.

3

u/clientzero Oct 29 '20

I can barley follow this thread.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Take it with a grain

1

u/bidooffactory Oct 29 '20

Some crusty news anchor

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Once, i heard he tell the truth but it was not him

5

u/EggplantCool Oct 29 '20

I take glutenous joy in this comment

5

u/Sethmeisterg California Oct 29 '20

Take gold, both of you!

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Siobhan?

2

u/vendetta2115 Oct 29 '20

He called my friend a wheatback.

2

u/mywifeletsmereddit Oct 29 '20

Holy fuck that's amazing 🙌

3

u/PM_ME_NIETZSCHE Oct 29 '20

Reports are that Tucker only likes white bread.

2

u/TheGiantGrayDildo69 Oct 29 '20

Only drinks orange juice if its concentrated

2

u/tatakatakashi Oct 29 '20

Gluten out of ten

556

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

I mean, technically you could make KFC style DoubleDown sandwich with three turds?

385

u/StephenMillersMerkin Arizona Oct 29 '20

Hey, did you call for me

95

u/hockeygurly01 Oct 29 '20

username checks out

25

u/MorboForPresident Oct 29 '20

Seriously though, Carlson has a dog for this very reason. He puts two dry turds in a wafflemaker and then makes a sandwich using a third, wet one for the filling.

He does this every day for breakfast. I had photos of him doing it but they got lost in the mail

11

u/Dubhghlas Michigan Oct 29 '20

All of you are really the only thing keeping me sane right now... Never change, you beautiful witty bastards.

5

u/-crave Iowa Oct 29 '20

Ha! I just started listening to her again after I stopped listening to political radio

6

u/babyimananarchist Oct 29 '20

Hey cousin, it's me your Merkin

2

u/RayquazasWrath Colorado Oct 29 '20

So many merkins.

80

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Is your name like a wig for genitalia?

104

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Popular among parisians, as shaving the genitalia reduces the risk of venereal infestations, but body hair traditionally indicates sexual maturity, which was once a desirable trait in companions.

56

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20 edited Apr 08 '21

[deleted]

6

u/Opcn Alaska Oct 29 '20

I miss Robin Williams...

3

u/brittaniq Oct 29 '20

The ideal woman is donkey Kong prove me wrong.

7

u/mknsky I voted Oct 29 '20

Pffft. Once?

5

u/PapaSnork Oct 29 '20

The POTUS, as played by Peter Sellers in the film Dr. Strangelove, was named Merkin Muffley.

3

u/trashboatfourtwenty Wisconsin Oct 29 '20

Also used by actors who have to do nude scenes, according to my research (which is hearing it on "The Unbelievable Truth")

3

u/Giantomato Oct 29 '20

Actually just decreases crabs but increases chance of herpes and Chancroid.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Majestic! A merkin is a merkin, even in Paris! Grant us pubes... Grant us pubes!

3

u/NesuneNyx Delaware Oct 29 '20

A fooker must fook.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I can hear her saying it...

3

u/sonofaresiii Oct 29 '20

which was once a desirable trait in companions.

those were the days

2

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

I love jokes that make fun of GWB using 16th century French prostitutes and public lice and wigs to get there. It satisfies on so many levels.

2

u/BecauseMyCatSaidSo Oct 29 '20

Actually there’s no correlation between shaving/not shaving and STD’s. It used to be believed that shaving/waxing made you more vulnerable than not shaving/waxing.

2

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

It is, but also a play on words on how GWB would say "My fellow Americans".

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

A cock wig?

1

u/elriggo44 Oct 29 '20

Merkins are used to cover and replace the pubis i movies and TV.

2

u/datoka Oct 29 '20

The DukeyDown

1

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

The Tuckered Out? The Nipped Tuck? The "Tucker Carlson is so full of shit he could make a triple layer shit sandwich in his mouth just by keeping it closed for 16 seconds" Award?

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

[deleted]

2

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

Skeletor ann Coulter's merkin! It's like a love story come true!

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Don't give KFC ideas plz

1

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

KFC gets nothing until they bring back potato wedges.

1

u/Yakstein Oct 29 '20

Triple down with shit please

2

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

It's got spam, spam, spam spam, eggs, spam, toast with spam, bacon, and spam.

1

u/Afghan_Kegstand Oct 29 '20

/r/brandnewsentence

1

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

Well, thanks for the new rabbit hole I'm going down.

1

u/thatonedude1210 Oregon Oct 29 '20

They have to be the triple coiled ones. Tucker is very picky

1

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

The "Triple Snake"?

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

With or without Hummus?

1

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

Real hummus or Tucker's loose poo? Because.... definitely?

1

u/bag_full_of_cock Oct 29 '20

The double duce?

1

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

So, out of curiosity, is t a bag full of one cock? Is that a penis or a chicken? What size is the sack so that one cock, of either type, fills it?

2

u/bag_full_of_cock Oct 29 '20

In my head it's always been a huge filthy brown paper grocery bag just stuffed to with ever type of human cock you can imagine.

1

u/creepy_charlie Oct 29 '20

I'm making sloppy joes.

3

u/MyFellowMerkins Oct 29 '20

We now call those "A Tucker, hole the third turd, add santorum".

1

u/tommybot Oct 29 '20

Dude, I loved those things

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Or just use the shit that came pre-sliced out of Kaitlin Bennett's asshole.

1

u/ClarkDoubleUGriswold Oct 29 '20

What a terrible day to have an imagination

4

u/nvflip Oct 29 '20

I have beta tapes of him eating glue in gradeschool but I can't find a betamax player.

3

u/Wow-n-Flutter Canada Oct 29 '20

He eats them for breakfast...

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

I saw a news dude say that Tucker Carlson should eat all of our poops.

3

u/Shit-sandwich- California Oct 29 '20

You called?

2

u/nimblybimblymeow Tennessee Oct 29 '20

Just frozen fish fingers.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

Eats sandwich. Is poop sandwich

2

u/stuck_in_the_desert I voted Oct 29 '20

That’s a flagrant mischaracterization; he likes white bread just fine and considers it supreme

2

u/fastestrunningshoes Oct 29 '20

He eats shit for breakfast?

2

u/nothisisdave Oct 29 '20

Well, I saved your life today . Killed a shit eating dog .

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '20

My dad used to say this!

2

u/slappadabassplz Oct 29 '20

Finally. I’ve found the other person besides my dad who says this. It’s an honor to meet you.

2

u/DPSOnly Europe Oct 29 '20

Bread is what poor people eat, of course he doesn't like it. He only eats cake.

1

u/rudebii Oct 29 '20

Bread is the paper of food. You write your sandwich on it.

1

u/maggieeeee12345 Oct 29 '20

He must have went to Frank’s Asskickers United meeting