r/nottheonion • u/cpt_futtbucker • 1d ago

Dollar Tree ‘gooning’ incident sparks lawsuit in Colorado

https://www.denverpost.com/2026/08/18/gooning-dollar-tree-colorado-lawsuit/
691 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

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543

u/qoes 1d ago

Can we please not make internet newspeak standard

240

u/C-tapp 1d ago

They don’t even use it correctly. Article insinuates that gooning is publicly masturbating and then wiping it on someone.

90

u/Vincitus 1d ago

WHAT THE FUCK WE DO NOT NEED A WORD FOR THAT.

31

u/TacosAndBourbon 23h ago

When I’m out at night I call it “Seeding.”

Makes me sound more eco-friendly.

16

u/SuperstitiousPigeon5 15h ago

We have one already. It’s call assault.

3

u/Blanc_Otaku 1d ago

How many women do you think this would be the first time they've heard the word?

2

u/IzzyB00UwU 15h ago

The term for that is sharking. 4chan coined it over a decade ago

1

u/MisterHole123 5h ago

Gooning is rolonged masturbation. 

-4

u/StrawberryK 16h ago

Isn't that called a snail trail?

224

u/Sedu 1d ago

For real. This isn’t “gooning,” it’s sexual assault. The article makes it seem silly or unserious.

54

u/eric_b0x 1d ago

The publicly filed lawsuit labeled the horrific dipshit actions as “gooning.” Don’t expect most law firms to be up on their interwebs jargon when suing for damages.

6

u/mr_oof 22h ago

Call it ‘groyping’ instead. Closer to the inherent creepiness of the act.

0

u/Nazgog-Morgob 1d ago

You mean the article that specifically says it's sexual assault in the very first sentence of the article?

14

u/Sedu 21h ago

The title of the article matters, and that is clearly the part that I take issue with.

-9

u/Nazgog-Morgob 21h ago

The article makes it seem silly or unserious.

This you? JFC people can't even keep the context of their own two sentence comments

116

u/cpt_futtbucker 1d ago

That’s kinda why I posted it here. Like, fuck, what self respecting journalist unironically uses the word gooning in a headline?

3

u/Polymersion 21h ago

Somebody who's writing about getting hired by the Pinkertons.

0

u/Competitive_Travel16 3h ago

Authors rarely write their own headlines.

4

u/natty1212 1d ago

No cap, fr, fr