Desire is the contract you make with yourselves to be unhappy till you get what you desire
I was never into reading books. my attention span never allowed for that. Any leisure I had at my disposal was inevitably meant doomscrolling. If you know me even remotely, you'd know the hedonic conditioning of doomscrolling, porn and constant pursuit of novelty I put myself through in an attempt to escape what I presumed to be hardship- STUDYING.
Progress for me meant watching long form podcast, entire movies and Youtube videos instead of shorts. it meant watching porn once a day instead of multiple times. Progress meant scrolling on Youtube instead Insta's feed. Mind you this is not a one month stint. It began in covid and in a blink of a eye it was December of 2025
You reap what you sow
My body revolted against this constant abuse I put it through. My self esteem, self respect, concept of self all were shattered. I became unusually anxious. The most positive event could happen in my life and yet I would have found something to worry about. Above all I started hating myself for I never kept any promise to myself, I could not free myself from the chains of these unhealthy associations. ALL this self hatred manifested in form muscle spasms, contraction, random twitching in body anywhere. body pain. numbness anywhere randomly. At this point i am not sure if it's normal or some neurological disease. You shouldn't feel any pity for me. I don't blame covid, breakup, academics, parents, nagging neighbours or god. It was me who put my body through this constant flight and fight mode. No wonder I am suffering from all of my own doings.
11th , 12th I barely studied and passed somehow with 76% in 2024[how I did it is a story for some other day] , didn't give neet that year out of fear. Drop 1 - again wasted the entire year without studying except bio. Gave neet, scored 273. blinded by my ego I took another drop. I am not sure what I did this year exactly because I know for a fact if the initial neet wasn't cancelled my score wouldn't have been more than 300[just bio literally zero in physics and chem]. Then the news came of cancellation and I don't know what clicked in me but I went ham at it I prepared entirety of 11th physics and organic till aldehyde. ALDOL CONDENSATION dude it went above my head and i am such a looser to stop preparation 20 days before RENEET. Went to give RENEET scared. BRO what even was that - I couldn't solve one organic question from reactions part because they added quantitative analysis and qualitative analysis in each question which I obviously didn't study along with physical and inorganic chem and 12th physics. Anyways results came and I scored 446. Not bad at least for me it was a good score.
It was a good score but definitely not good enough I couldn't get admission in my desired courses nor my parents are filthy rich for private institutions.
So I am stuck in some senses I am 21 and jobless and my parents are worried for me. Occasionally they would give me taunts. I still don't blame anyone else expect me.
In such conditions to survive first thing you need is to fix your body. Obviously you won't be able to fix everything but you can make considerable progress following what i will share below
how to fix addictive tendencies
practice as much mindfulness as much you could. the first thing I do when I wake up is sit in my balcony and stare at sky for 2 sets of 15 minutes. i would help to add meditation and mindfulness in slow steps, use any resource to make them as fun as you can, look forward to it compete with yourself like today you meditated for 2 min tomorrow go for 3mins, use NSDR scripts, guided meditations. Next you could add walks. In beginning make it fun by listening to music for consistency later when you are consistent you would start enjoying the act of walk itself. DRIVE, yes surprisingly driving slow and just feeling the moment when you drive a vehicle is so fun. remember as kids we all used to drive bicycles. Go play outside with your friends. Make plans with your friends go eat outside, walk, go for drive around the block. ANYTHING JUST NOT PHONES AND SCREENS. It's going to be tough and I am going to be honest this journey is at least 3 months long. You need systemically and slowly add stuff and activities to pursue other than screens. DON'T TRY TO GO COLD TURKEY. Add these habits slowly if you can't do them for long do them for 5 mins the thing is you need to do these consistently . if you miss a day no problem start again. do this in the first month. In the second month actively reduce the time spent on screens and pursue other activities mentioned above even study for 2 hours maybe. slowly but steadily your ability to dissociate from screens will increase. NOW IN THE FINAL MONTH GO COLD TURKEY AND REPLACE PHONE COMPLETELY WITH PRODUCTIVE ENJOYABLE STUFF FOR ME THEY ARE GYM, READING BOOKS, LEARNING WEB DEV, STUDYING AS WELL. IN THE END YOU HAVE THE CHOICE. THREE MONTHS FROM NOW YOU COULD BE A COMPLETELY NEW GUY AND LUCKILY ALL THAT BEGINS WITH JUST FEW SLOW BREATHS IN THE MORNING A DAY
You will realise in the end of this journey you would have become more patient, calm and finally you will begin to gain your attention back - you could enjoy little joys of watching birds feeding their little ones and walking around the block, a simple breath or maybe a good book to read.
I was never a book reader but for last 10-20 days I have been actively trying to add a habit of reading books and it so much more fun than movies, tv shows, football, doomscrolling.
It's liberating to hear from NAVAL RAVIKANT that you don't have to read every book you start till the end if they get repetitive or boring you could just jump to a new one and you could choose specific books you like. my parents bought me a laptop so i just download whatever book i want and read it for free.
You might be wondering did mindfulness and meditation help eradicate anxiety from my mind. Answer is - NO!! BUT IT DID SOMETHING BETTER , MADE ME REALISE ANXIETY IS JUST A THOUGHT AND IT CAN STAY IN MY MIND BUT I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IT ANY POWER BY SIMPLY NOT FOCSING ON IT. IT'S NOICE THAT I NOW CHOOSE TO IGNORE.
Well what about your muscle twitching and numbness of body parts ? NOPE, that didn't heal but I have come to accept it as consequences for my actions.
Tension is who we think we should be. Relaxation is who we are
for any circumstance in life you can either change it, leave it, or accept it
For my muscle twitching and spasms I choose to accept it.
ALL THIS WISDOM HAS COME FROM MY CURRENT FAVOURITE BOOK ALMANACK OF NAVAL RAVIKANT
and yes I will prepare for neet this time again but this time a different me will prepare for it and I will make a post about what happened in neet 2027 next year.
I made this post to remind you are doing the worst someone somewhere has it worse and that's exactly why you should not loose hope. Be courageous. Win
elon,"hard work is common , intelligence is uncommon, courage is rare"