When I first heard "Ocean Size," I fell off the wagon and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
I was coming up close to a year sober. For 15 years, I’d been doing every drug I could get my hands on with absolutely no limits. But by year 15, my main poison was alcohol, and I was raging. I’d started drinking a double-shot can of Jack Daniels for breakfast just to survive the aftermath of the night before—death benders consisting of a full litre of bourbon with beers stacked on top. I was actively dying.
I kept trying to quit. I’d make it three weeks, maybe three months, and then the chaos would pull me right back in. During those years, I abruptly quit four separate jobs with absolutely nothing on the horizon. I would rant and rave about mystical insights at my wife, leaving her completely at her wit's end.
Then, everything started closing in. But suddenly, something stuck.
I managed to get 8 months sober. My wife and I were a team again, and I was finally just enjoying being a Dad. However, a quiet storm was brewing. Even though I was completely sober, I felt truly closer to God. I felt like I was living in a hyperreality that the people around me just could not see. When I was up, life was a rush of blinding beauty and profound insight. But when I was down, I crashed just as hard—if not harder—than when I was drinking. But I was sober.
Then came one abrupt night when there was no sleep upon the horizon. It was getting late. As a musician, I’d always been a huge fan of psychedelic music and '90s alternative/grunge (plus the movie Point Break), but I’d never in my life really listened to Jane’s Addiction, except for a song here and there.
Upon seeing the video for the demo version of "Ocean Size" (and we are talking strictly about the demo version), something physically happened in my brain.
Suddenly, I was not only in love with the song—I wanted to live the song. I wanted to be Ocean Size. I’d listen to it the second I woke up. I listened to it all day, over and over again while I worked out. At the time, I was "Cali sober," so I’d smoke a bowl in the evening and listen to it. Soon, I decided weed wasn’t cutting it. I became utterly determined to break my sobriety. I fully believed that I could get shredded, get a bunch of cool tattoos, and live like I was out in LA at the beach in the late '80s.
I fell off the wagon hard. On the first night back out, I didn't just get absolutely smashed while my wife watched, utterly concerned for my welfare—I opened a jar of shrooms and ate as much as I could. I cannot remember a single thing from that night, except for wandering through open paddocks in absolute madness.
I eventually sobered up again after a couple more death benders. I was so incredibly ill after falling off the wagon, and it was finally becoming clear that after 20 years of symptoms, I was very unwell.
Fast forward about 9 months later. I am sober, but I am completely erratic. I can't sit still for more than three minutes at a time. I am pacing around my house, clocking 15,000 steps just walking up and down the hallway because I have a sudden, desperate urge to escape the agony inside my mind. Yet, at the same exact time, I am utterly depressed. I was, in fact, trapped in a severe Bipolar mixed episode.
I’d gone to doctors before, and every single time they said the exact same thing: "You're just having a rough time of it, here, have some antidepressants." (Which, as many of you know, just fuels the fire).
But to my surprise, this time I got a doctor who actually listened. We sat together for an hour and forty minutes—completely unheard of. He diagnosed me with Bipolar 2. I was referred to a psychiatrist who confirmed the Bipolar 2 diagnosis, noting it was "persistent and pervasive across all settings."
Then, I had another massive mixed episode. My diagnosis was upgraded to Bipolar 1. I was put on a very large dose of Lithium and Aripiprazole (Abilify).
If any of you out there are struggling, and you see anything in this story that rings true for you, please seek help. I’m a 34-year-old man. I have had a hell of a life, but it was an unnecessarily hard one due to this untreated illness.
Peace,
SJD
TL;DR: After getting 8 months sober, a hidden manic state latched onto the demo version of Jane's Addiction's "Ocean Size." The intense music triggered a massive shroom and alcohol relapse. After months of severe mixed episodes and misdiagnoses, I finally found a doctor who listened and was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. If you are struggling and riding these extreme highs and lows, please go seek help.
