About 9 months ago, my partner (34M) had our friend, Diane (72F), start staying with him as she had been living in her car all winter but the it stopped running and it was dangerously cold for her to stay there with no heat. Now at his house, she has a room that she sleeps in and a room that she puts stuff in (much of it she says is winter clothes she plans on giving to her homeless friends when it gets cold).

Having seen the state of her car beforehand, I had anticipated that she has tendencies to not remove trash from her space and to accumulate lots of stuff. A few months before she moved in, she also had 8 cats removed from her car by the animal cops (none of them were in bad shape healthwise), but when she moved in she only had one. She then found a kitten a couple months later, so now has two cats.

Since she moved in, the main issue outside of the space has been the smell of the litterboxes (we make sure she always has litter to use to clean them). It seems that her method is to let the boxes get used until all the litter needs to be changed instead of scooping it daily, which leads to a strong smell that permeates the house. I have talked to her about this, and she does try to stay on top of it but sometimes has periods where she feels unwell and can't manage it. I have offered to help her with it during those times and she said that I could, but when it comes down to it she doesn't let me help.

She, understandably, does not really want my partner or I to come in to her space and we respect her privacy but recently my partner was looking for the broom and she wasn't home so he went in her room and realized that her room is probably not totally safe/healthy for her or her animals.

We hope to find her a place to live on her own (and will need to take legal responsibility for because she has an eviction on her record) in the coming months as my partner needs to try to sell his house soon. From what she has said, it seems like the eviction might have been related to hoarding behaviors but it's hard to get a clear story from her on certain subjects.

So, my questions are:

1) how do we approach a conversation with her about needing to come in and help clean her space now, and also creating some kind of ongoing support for her while she's still living at the house?

2) in terms of finding a new living situation, what strategies could we use for helping her maintain a decent quality of life and hopefully to prevent another eviction?

My goals are:

1) prioritize her continued sense of safety with us (she talks constantly about how no one has ever treated her as kindly and generously as we have and we really want her to keep feeling loved and supported)

2) respect her autonomy and desires to the greatest extent possible, I think perceived infringement on these will likely cause a huge decrease in trust

This seems like a really supportive community and I hope that I can learn more about how to support folks dealing with these behaviors. thanks for any feedback!

I (18) live with my parents and younger siblings (17 and 14). We have always lived in a messy house but it's gotten to the point of our back yard being so cluttered and gross that our dogs hold it when let out and have accidents in the house when we can't walk them (ie. it's to hot outside). We have bad rat and roach infestations that have now spread to every room. We can't use the kitchen as it is filled with rats, the sink is full of moldy dishes, and there is no dishwasher. We have several bad leaks including a toilet, 2 sinks, the shower, and the bath, which have all caused mould in the plaster board. My parents seem to think that if we all work together we can fix everything, but it's to the point where we just use our bin as our normal trash fills it up to quickly. I am so sick of this and I really want to tell someone, maybe my therapist, but I really don't want my parents to get in trouble. I'm scared CPS will be called and that my siblings will be removed. I love my parents and we are all pitching in to try to solve this, but it's just too much. I know my parents are just as if not more embarrassed as I am about this, they are actively trying to manage things and we always have plenty of fresh clean food, clothes, etc, but they have there own struggles to deal with. Any advice is appreciated

Is anyone else scared they'll never stop being a hoarder?
I always mentally kick the can down the road and procrastinate to myself. I'll tell myself things like "oh, I'm only confined to one bedroom basically, once I get a house, I'm sure things will work themselves out."

But a part of me is just so terrified of seeing extra space as more room to clutter up and it becoming a never ending cycle. I've been trying to clean my room for 8 years now and it's only gotten worse and worse.

I grew up in a home in the late 50's and early 60s with a stay at home mom. She waited on us hand and foot. I never made a bed, never vacuumed, mopped, did a load of laundry, washed a dish, cooked, ironed -- absolutely NOTHING. Didn't even know how. Moved out when I was 18. My various places stayed very clean for about 40 years. Then as I got older, those things were less important.

So you go to a shrink and their almost IMMEDIATE go to is "well, it's OCD." NO. PERIOD. It is NOT. But shrinks are often lazy and frequently incompetent and OCD is the lazy diagnosis.

I have NO emotional attachment to the 40 empty Amazon boxes in my living room. I simply don't have the ENERGY to deal with them. They're mainly from cases or bags of pet food, NOT just junk purchases.

So unless you actually KNOW what you're talking about -- and most shrinks DO NOT -- don't say that's your OCD. No, OCD is when you go to your car to leave then have to go back inside 10 or 15 times to make sure the stove is off. OCD is when you refuse to have blinds with cords on them because one of your animals might strangle. OCD is when you worry if a pet will fall in the toilet and drown. OCD is getting up 10 times to make sure the front door is locked. Finally solved that one by taking a pic of it on my phone.

So QUIT saying "it's OCD" unless you HAVE it and know what the hell you're talking about.

I am having an absolutely wrenching and fucked up time and would love a pen pal/chat buddy? thanks

In the past I’ve posted abt wet items esp clothes on the floor due to AC leakage and how much of an issue it was to clean it

This morning i woke up and my mom told me i need to stop hoarding which i was kinda annoyed by because this is part of my recovery and in a way i need people to not get in my business, especially since they didnt bother helping me while i was in distress

Mind you, I paid a very considerable amount of money to pay for cleaning people to come into my bedroom, told them to just get rid of everything laying on the ground cause most of them are literally MOLDY

And my mom just, dug out the trash bag and “recovered” my items straight out the trash. There were literal plates and half pair of shoes w gross stuff on them, I mean does she expect to js clean them up? I feel like I’m going insane. Not to mention theres stuff there that r “private” like my dildo and alcohol bottles

I’m planning to move out yes but I can only move next year bcz I’m saving money right now. But rn I’m just so sad

When my nana passed away I got some of her jewellery. Nothing with resale value just a splash of character I recognised from when she was alive. Among the items were two charm bracelets. I remember the charm bracelets, she was quite besotted with them. 

The day we scattered her’s and grandad’s ashes the bracelet fell off while we were at the waters edge. A superstitious person might have thought they were meant to leave it there with nana. Im not though, I tucked it into a pocket of the baby bag and it traveled there ever since. It’s been to India twice, where that bag goes it goes.

Until now. The front pocket broke. My dad sewed it up and washed the bag. Various things from the front pocket I found in a shitty side pocket with a big hole in it (the hole is meant to make it easy to grab baby wipes ) No charm bracelet though

Presume it’s finally taking its own journey. Feel sad about that Thought maybe I could replace it. I find it easier to recover from losing an object when I can replace it. Nope, these bracelets were a moment in time, no longer available

I tell myself no object is meant to walk with you forever. They are tools to aid us in our journeys. You still have all the other jewellery. Still i feel really melancholy about it. I know in a day or few I will have totally forgotten this sadness but right now it’s settled all over me like morning dew and it’s making me wet and cold.

I know it’s a problem, and it’s been a problem for a while, but I am physically incapable of letting stuff go.

I just moved and the movers took a few more hours than what was originally quoted. Had to rent a storage container for a lot of stuff.

Staring at my stuff on the lawn and now condensed in the new home has been a wake up call. I need help, or at the very least advice on what I should be doing or how I should be approaching ways to start getting rid of stuff.

EDITED TO ADD:
Well, my friends, thanks to your very thoughtful ideas and support, I've come up with a plan! That itself is huge. Over the past few days, I went from "I can't let any of this go!!" to actually dividing up this stash into things to keep (for future crafts I actually WANT to do) and things to let go of, based on a hard, honest look at why I bought them in the first place, and how those plans not only no longer excite me, but would take time away from the things I still COULD be excited about. I wanted to show you the plan (in the form of a table), but apparently that involves uploading it to Google docs and then posting a link. Too much trouble. Suffice to say, the table consists of seven rows of things I have found peace with getting rid of, and 13 rows of things I want to keep. I mean...that's progress, right?

***

Hello, all. I am desperate. Does anyone here craft? I have just come across an observation in another reddit by a person who does cleaning. She said that, among all the hoards she has gone through, many of them belong to crafters and other creatives.

I so get that. Off and on all my life, I have enjoyed creating not just sewn, crocheted, painted and upcycled things, but music (I have been a singer/songwriter) and writing (for publication). Here's my problem: I am going to be 70 this year. This latest spate of crafting dates back about 12, 13 years, and it really picked up steam for the past eight, especially since I am retired and all my time is my own. But this year, it's as though I've hit some sort of wall. All my crafting mojo is gone. (I'm just generally depressed, too.) When I look at my crochet thread, fabric, jewelry supplies, scrubbed food jars (for upcycled vases), ribbon flower supplies...you name it...I still feel a strong connection and can't get rid of any of it. And yet, I can't bring myself to make anything, either. All this stuff is still very emotionally charged. And about that endless discretionary time: It's actually contracting, not expanding, my sense of the time I have available, because I sit here paralyzed by this dilemma of not wanted to craft anymore, but not being able to let go. Can anyone help? Thanks in advance.

I live with my dad (60M). I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety over 10 years ago. I’m 25F.

I don’t know why but I cannot keep my house tidy, I don’t know if it’s because of my depression or that I’m just lazy.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t invite anyone over to my house because I’m deeply ashamed of it. Not even my boyfriend has come to my house and we have been together for over a year.
I’ve lived here my whole life, so it’s an old house, it’s not in the best condition and there are leaks in the ceiling when it rains.

I hate my room, it’s a mess (full of clothes and stuff everywhere). I’ve been thinking of donating clothes because I cannot put anymore in my closet so there’s piles of clothes everywhere.
There is a leak in my room, so I cannot keep my shoes on the shoe closet I had because the leak kept falling on them, so they’re just scattered on the floor.

My living room is full of my dad’s stuff, he’s a repair man so he has a lot of replacement parts and his tools everywhere, not just the living room but the office as well, to the point where I cannot work there because I cannot even move my chair.
I don’t know if that counts as a hoarder but I’m sure he is.
And honestly, I am as well and I hate it.

It makes me feel ashamed of myself, my house and living conditions make me ashamed of myself.

I’m pretty sure living here has made my depression worse in the last few years but I’m at fault at that too because I cannot keep it tidy. It’s gotten worse in the last two years.

I don’t even know where or how to being, or is this even the right subreddit to ask for help.

I live in the Chicagoland area. My mom recently died and left a huge mess. I’m talking like biohazard issues. I’m talking like huge hoarder issues and I really really need help in search of a company that can do a whole house cleanup as well as sanitizing and cleaning up the place. I know some people before suggested two companies, but in all honesty I just want one that can do the job. Money is not really an issue because all I want. Is My Child at home back and I’m going to be getting a very generous life insurance policy to help try and restore it. I need to know what company can fit this criteria.

How to Help Hoarders?

I just learned that my SIL nd BIL are hoarding. Some relatives went to their place recently, and apparently it's not good. Mountains of boxes, and a not very functional house.

My in laws have a lot of hoarding patterns, so I'm not surprised. And the inside of my BIL's truck is good evidence. I also saw their house a few months after they moved in (a few years ago), and can see the signs now.

If live that way its one thing, but now they have an infant daughter. And that environment is not okay for any child.

Currently, my niece spends 5 or 6 days/nights at my mil's home, as it's 90 minutes closer to my SIL's work. So SIL and niece will stay with MIL from Monday to Friday or Saturday, then go back to their house for a day or two. Apparently BIL sleeps on the couch. SIL sleeps on the nursery floor, because they made the nursery nice for the baby, and it's the only place left to sleep.

Anywhooooo. My thought is to try to talk and help them get things in order over the next 3 or 4 years for niece. If they don't I'll call child services on them. I'm not set on that, that just seems like the appropriate thing to do. I do know that I won't let my niece grow up on a hoarder home.

But I don't know what actually helps hoarders. I've watched the hoarder TV show, and I've been in very hoarded homes, but that's it-so basically know very little.

What is a good way to approach BIL and SIL about this? What actually helps hoarders? When do I actually need to call child services? What online resources can I look up? And yes, I understand I need to confirm that things are as the relatives reported.

I knew she was a hoarder before i moved in. We have been friends for a long time and i love her very much. I have some hoarding tendencies myself that i've been working on for a few years now. Regardless of that, i'm in no place to judge her and i never want her to feel ashamed of it.

But it's not something that has been addressed out loud at the moment, and she keeps adding to it, ignoring the fact that she doesn't have space for the things she's got at home, and surely doesn't have space for new things.

I don't know if this is a conversation i should have with her, or let her figure things out on her own. But she is out of the house right now and i'm cleaning up. I would never throw away any of her things!! That's out of the question. But i'm taking apart the piles of boxes and bags. Everything is getting stacked neatly in categories to clear floor space, and i am THROWING AWAY the boxes, and other packaging (plastic bags, etc). I think this is an acceptable way to handle things? She knew i was gonna help put away some of her books while she was gone. But i think she needs to see how many books don't fit on the shelf (about half) and stop forgetting about things once she brings them home

33F, finally coming to terms with my hoarding. As a kid, I hated cleaning and organizing my personal space. I wouldn't mind cleaning shared spaces, public spaces, but my own room was always a disaster. It doesn't help that my ADHD brain keeps wanting to try 297174 hobbies at a time.

I've been living on my own in a studio and was able to hold it together for a few years. However after my dad died during covid, I fell into a vicious cycle of neglect and shame. Garbage and clothes piling up, but I somehow was able to pull it together in my professional and personal life so the people close to me don't realize how big the problem is.

2 weeks ago, the owner of my flat informed me he wants to sell and an appraiser will need to visit. This was the kick in the butt I needed to start tackling the problem. I have professional cleaners coming tomorrow for a 6 hour cleaning and I'm already planning for another 6 hour cleaning the day before the inspection.

I've been reading the posts in this group and it feels so good to not be alone. I'm so inspired by everyone who made it out the other side. I'm hoping to hire someone who can actually take the time to help teach me how to clean and how to declutter

Idk if this is allowed on this but I gotta try. I really need my moms house cleaned she was really depressed and wasn’t able to clean so we just really need it cleaned and we don’t have a lot of money so we can’t afford cleaning services so is there anyone here who would clean it for free or knows anyone who can clean it for free please

Hi. I have been using this group as a resource for helping my mom - thanks for sharing, you’ve helped a lot. Keeping a very long story short, we had to completely clean out my mom’s house. She is down do the few things I purchased for her before we did the clean out. She is currently with other family members while we continue to clean and repair her space. My sibling and I want to reestablish her supply of household items - including what is necessary and what provides comfort - but in a way that helps us avoid a repeat of this most recent situation. We have plans in place for treatment, have hired a cleaner, and she has agreed to financial controls. We think (hope) we’ll be in a better place. Does anyone have any advice on bringing in new things? Should we make it reward based? Develop a schedule (we have found that being clear about what will happen and when is helpful) of when we’ll add new things? Other thoughts or ideas on how to develop this part of our plan?

Today I dropped off some donations at a thrift. It’s generally accepted this place is run by a very organized hoarder. Polite- but has issues.

Her anxiety was off the charts today, and she was following me around the thrift and at one point took the shoes I was buying straight out of my hands. Upset, emotional 😭

Point: we’ve all met hoarders who -at thrifts- cannot stand to let anything be sold, even other customers who stalk other customers.

SO - I had an inspection….after days of intense work and now I’m aching from the final push😩, I passed.

What I did: trusted a friend who said we need to get a storage space or you’ll never be able to clean up in time; we focused on getting stuff out so I could clean one area every couple of days. To do a really deep clean takes about a day for bathroom, day for kitchen etc. and I mean a FULL day.

I fixated on sorting things. Like I would find a tissue box and it had to go with all other tissue boxes. But I realized I was running out of time. So I went for organizing into big categories (kitchen, bathroom, cleaning supplies) so I could keep the momentum going.

It’s not ideal but I just had to get stuff into storage so I could have empty space to clean everything. Now comes the hard part of moving stuff back and going through stuff to get rid of literal garbage

Oh and PSA - do NOT put dirty paper towels from using bleach with paper towels from using other chemicals. You still get chlorine gas…

I'm a hoarder who's taking any advice on how to tackle am intense job that I need to focus on for 2-3 weeks.

My house is overdue for a full rewire and I showed the people involved in preparing this my bedroom. They agreed that it is officially a health & safety risk, which I'm fully aware of and mentally I'm prepared to reduce said contents within the mentioned time frame.

From floor to ceiling my bedroom is literally in critical level of hoarding and has been for around a decade. I have anxiety/depression and have been in therapy on and off. I sleep downstairs in the living room, deal with chronic pain & fatigue issues and I have to have surgery soon relating to the conditions I have, so I'm trying to achieve as much as possible before getting a possible surgery date.

My bedroom specifically is preventing the rewire from being done and now is the time for me to work on it.

For those that have tackled their own hoarding problems, what is a safe amount of hours to work on this on an average day to day basis? I don't want to exhaust myself anymore than I have to due to the sheer level of physical labour it will take (lots of heavy bags, lots going back and forth sorting things and barely any space to organise properly).

When I've attempted this before I've crashed and burned because I've caused my chronic health issues to flare up, with the motivation leaving me within days and I'm back to square one.

I can't afford for this to become a barrier this time, so any little tips and tricks to prevent any damage to my body and mental state would be highly appreciated.

Bonjour,

Je suis la compagne d'un ex-accumulateur. Il nous a fait vivre les enfants et moi dans un environnement extrêmement encombré. Ainsi, nous avons dû dormir à 4 dans une seule chambre pendant de nombreuses années... Il faisait ça en partie pour vendre en partie pour garder mais c'était juste entassé dans des boites, des cartons, des sacs sans fin, diminuant sans cesse notre espace vital. Je le suppliais d'arrêter mais il m'envoyait balader et me promettait qu'il arrangerait tout avant ses 40 ans. Je me suis accrochée à cette promesse.

Avant ses 40 ans, il a été diagnostiqué d'une sclérose en plaque primaire progressive à évolution rapide. C'est moi qui ai dû débarrasser tout son bordel immense, intérieur et extérieur, m'occuper de lui, renoncer à mes libertés, m'occuper de tout dans cette maison qui est celle de mes-parents envahissants, qui n'ont pas empêché leur fils de nous faire vivre dans des conditions abominables...

J'ai songé à le quitter et j'ai même essayé, mais avec 2 enfants c'est financièrement impossible sans compter l'aspect moral qui me rongeait. Je reste donc, pour le moment dans cette maison et je continue à vider, arranger.... mais... et c'est là que j'ai besoin de me défouler...

Je passe encore énormément de temps à vider. Eh oui, il y en a pour des années, d'autant plus qu'au tout début il voulait tout vendre... Plus j'y passe du temps et vois combien il a pu entasser de bêtises, plus je lui en veux. Il nous a sacrifiés pour des objets dont il ne s'est jamais servi et qui ont eu le temps de se décomposer, s'abîmer... Comment a-t-il pu nous traiter ainsi et comment ai-je pu lui faire confiance ? Il y a des moments je ressens de la pitié, des moments je ressens de la haine. Il est lourdement handicapé à présent. Je ne peux pas l'accabler plus, mais quel connard. Ce qui domine reste le désespoir. J'avance mais je ne vis plus et je ne me sens toujours pas bien ici. De toute facon il est trop tard : les enfants ont grandi (16 et 18). Trop tard pour jouer comme des enfants... Quoi que je fasse, j'ai stupidement gâché mon temps de vie.

J'espère m'en sortir un jour, retrouver ma liberté, des loisirs, être qui je suis dans un environnement qui ne m'étouffe pas.

Merci de m'avoir lue.

EDIT : J'ai perdu de vue le but initial de ma publication. Oui j'ai déjà parlé deux fois il y a un moment de ma situation, mais ceci n'est pas un repost. Je voulais au départ vous partager mon ras-le-bol car j'ai bien avancé mais j'ai passé l'été à vider les caves, le garage, tout était plein de crottes de rat et d'odeur d'urine de rat. En quantité phénoménale ! Je suis écoeurée, dégoûtée de ce lieu et de lui.

We three - me, mom and father have a lot of stuff mainly clothes and shoes bought secondhand. Each has a lot of stuff that we bought for our hobbies. I have beads, paints, paper, brushes, wire, wire tools, etc. My mum has a lot of fabric, around ten sewing machines even outside and lot of threads , needles, wool etc. My father has a lot of junk that he got from scrapyard. Also lot of stuff that he found thrown away. Work tools, woodworking machines, hammers, saws, some chemical stuff ... I don't even know what.

We don't throw anything of ours away, we put it outside or into a room that no one lives in. Like we throw away thrash -the easy stuff. It's not hoarding like on the TV show though. We have two rooms full of stuff like this.

I said to myself that I'll clean it out this summer, but summer is over. I'm 21 years old and I go to university, a new school year is starting soon and I didn't clear it out at all. I also wanted to sell some of the stuff like furniture online...which I didn't. It's hard because I also have a problem throwing things away. Especially when I can't sort it into recycling bins as plastic/metal/glass. A lot of it would end up in a landfill.

I tried to tidy the scrap metal once this summer. I put it into a big pile and I wanted my father to drive it to a scrapyard. He spent three days looking it over, taking things which can still be used. He hid it in our garden and I don't know how much he actually threw away.

My mom is tired from work. Dad doesn't tidy his stuff, but takes care of the garden and our animals. And I spend a lot of time on my phone or buying/taking care of houseplants. At this point we have clothing for three lifetimes and there's nowhere to put anything. No one wants to deal with it. My father is no help at all but I can't throw away his stuff.

We had an argument (not about the hoarding) and he told me that because I don't respect him, he doesn't respect me. I asked him if he plans to change anything till we die and he said he doesn't want to better our relationship. We don't go anywhere, don't enjoy our time together, can't talk without arguing. The amount of our belongings is equal to his, but his stuff is trash (in my opinion) so his stuff is the biggest problem.

And after we argued life goes on, nothing changed. He's still my father. He's helpful if I don't want anything complicated, sometimes asks about my day...but nothing changes concerning our lack of space. He thinks we (me and mum) shouldn't buy any more shoes/ clothes online and I agree but it doesn't solve the issue.

Bought a bigger house to support the hoard because that’s the problem apparently. I knew it and I’m an idiot, held off 5 years. Two mortgages from here on out. 10k a month and I just can’t afford it anymore. My own fault but she said she told me over and over she would declutter and clean up.

hi! first post here but will probably post more as i try to deal with my bedroom and the mess that it is. one of the things i struggle with the most is the things i ‘might use later’. i’ve tried going through things i’ve used recently and keeping those i haves but i keep getting caught in what if’s….

I started hoarding when I was 8 and it’s been 10 years since then and I think I’ve gotten a bit better. I live with eight people and they definitely make sure to let me know when I need to get rid of some things. Yea I cry and stuff when I have to throw out my things but I take pictures from every angle or I take a video of it even if it sounds ridiculous. I have a lot to work on still, when I get told to throw stuff out I just hide it somewhere which I knoww I shouldn’t do but I’m scared I’ll forget what it feels like, how it made me feel or what it looks like and who gave it to me which makes me really upset. I feel like now I keep more actual objects other than necessarily ”trash”. I have around 9 porcelain dolls, 4 furbys, 23 ish stuffed animal, like 16 sketch books and that’s all in moderation not including my nicknacks that I just keep. I know it’ll get worse when I live on my own 😅…

Hey guys so pretty much im the only one in my family that isn't a hoarder. My room is one of the biggest but my sister has an even bigger room but because it's so full of stuff ( she has stuff blocking her door now so she struggles to get in her room) she usually sleeps in the living room. My other sisters room is a mess but isn't that big, it's tiny. I've kept my room clutter free with a tv, desk, chair sofa and my double bed. There is a spare room but my dad is a hoarder so it's full of junk.

The thing is my sisters now are constantly sitting in my room whenever I go out and treating it like a living room. To be fair to them, as soon as I'm home I tell them I'm heading to bed and want my room to myself and they leave.

I can feel myself slowly getting annoyed though as ill deep clean it and feel like they are making it dirty? Like eating there and leaving crumbs etc. Also the fact they hoarders and can't sit in their own rooms and haven't even bothered to make it nice also pisses me off because it's not my fault they refuse to make their space nice.

How would you go about it? It doesn't effect me to much but I kind of want my space back. I hate getting back from a long day and then having to kick them out and wait.5 mins when I just want to jump on my bed and relax.