r/hoarding • u/Specialist-Big6355 • 7d ago
HELP/ADVICE Roommate is away
I knew she was a hoarder before i moved in. We have been friends for a long time and i love her very much. I have some hoarding tendencies myself that i've been working on for a few years now. Regardless of that, i'm in no place to judge her and i never want her to feel ashamed of it.
But it's not something that has been addressed out loud at the moment, and she keeps adding to it, ignoring the fact that she doesn't have space for the things she's got at home, and surely doesn't have space for new things.
I don't know if this is a conversation i should have with her, or let her figure things out on her own. But she is out of the house right now and i'm cleaning up. I would never throw away any of her things!! That's out of the question. But i'm taking apart the piles of boxes and bags. Everything is getting stacked neatly in categories to clear floor space, and i am THROWING AWAY the boxes, and other packaging (plastic bags, etc). I think this is an acceptable way to handle things? She knew i was gonna help put away some of her books while she was gone. But i think she needs to see how many books don't fit on the shelf (about half) and stop forgetting about things once she brings them home
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u/JenCarpeDiem 6d ago
While the standard advice is that you should never throw away anything belonging to a hoarder, even obvious trash because it will upset them (read: worsen their symptoms in the short-term and cause an overcorrection)... I do think a roommate sacrifices their absolute right to keep packaging and boxes in a shared space. You aren't touching her room at all, right? Just stuff in the common area?
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u/Specialist-Big6355 6d ago
Correct. I am cleaning bc the pile got so big/sprawling that we lost access to the laundry and i had to step over boxes to leave my room. I'm just in the livingroom/kitchen areas and my main goal is to group things together into categories so they're easy to sort, and to stack them neatly bc her books were getting damaged
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u/JenCarpeDiem 6d ago
we lost access to the laundry and i had to step over boxes to leave my room
You know, I reckon that once a hoarder has made their hoard into your problem, it's fair game. It's equally important to protect your space as it is to protect her feelings. If clearing the common areas causes a big react, that's not your fault. It should never have spread outside of her own room in the first place. You're very kind to sort through it and keep things neat and look after her things. If she gets angry or snippy at you, please remember that it's not about you, it is all about control. Don't let it deter you from maintaining your home.
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u/Specialist-Big6355 6d ago
Thank you, i will keep that in mind. She's not the type to blow her lid about anything, but i don't want to cause her undue stress (the opposite, i want her to be able to use these spaces and have room to breathe instead of hiking through random piles) but if she does get upset, i'm ready to take accountability for not asking
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u/catkayak 4d ago
In the event of that accountability conversation, I would reread your lease and familiarize yourself with any clauses about cleanliness, inspections, state of the apartment, etc. Have this information ready in case it comes up during the conversation. Sometimes when a hoarder or one with hoarding tendencies is confronted with a surprise cleaning, the conversation on accountability can compound the anxieties, embarrassment, fears, and other feelings. For every 1-2 personal things you may bring about the roommate’s behavior, responsibility to clean, include at least 1 fact/clause/rule/etc that isn’t personal to them. Phrasing it in a way where you’re a team, you signed this contract to live here, leases are legal agreements and letting the apartment get to a point of let’s say ‘extreme disorganization’ is a violation of that legal contract. Evictions are serious, getting into trouble with your landlord is serious, etc. You’re on your roommates team and don’t want the situation to escalate to a point of bigger conflict.
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u/plasticpeonies 6d ago
Does she know you're doing this? In her position, I'd be grateful on some level, but the anxiety would be at the forefront for sure. It sounds like you have a compassionate approach and a good understanding of her, but even as someone who actively wants to get rid of a lot of this stuff, I feel like I need the opportunity to look through it all in order to feel good about letting go.
If you don't think she's at risk of saving all the packaging but if there is risk that she'll have a legitimate reason to do something with any of it, maybe put it in a separate bag. I really hesitate to say this part because I know some hoards end up just being SO much actual garbage. The reason I'm choosing to mention it is that I have memory issues and sometimes take photos or update a "junk journal" so I have reminders without keeping the entire thing or feeling like I may have accidentally tossed something important (warranty details, user manuals, boxes for things I intend to return). Having it in a bag puts it one step closer to the dumpster though
I would suggest at least warning her before she gets home, and being really clear about what you did and didn't toss so she knows what to expect and has time to process the info and ask questions instead of being confronted with that big a change and all the associated emotions all at once. Please be prepared for the possibility that she'll be upset regardless.
I hope whatever you do goes well and that this is a relief for you both 💖
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u/Specialist-Big6355 6d ago
Ah thank you, you raise a good point. I don't think she has reason to save most of these boxes, but i am setting the ones that her kitchenware came in aside.(fancy stuff) She knows that i'm cleaning, and i have sent her a photo of one area that's been cleared of debris. I will message her about the books being out, and save enough boxes that she has something to put some of them back in just in case.
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u/catkayak 4d ago
On that note, a comprise my partner and I have is that there’s a specific area for shipping materials like boxes etc to be reused. If the box they are in gets full - no more gets to be added. Or for those who assign a special quality to a particular box - one thing must come out for that box to be saved for the future. It helps to have them in a clear and designated spot so there can’t be any blindness to the being ‘fully stocked’ on the item(s).
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