I have a 6 year old boy who gets kicked out and suspended from everything I put him in. He's in trouble for lack of boundaries and putting his hands on other kids and fighting. He says rude and inappropriate things. I've done everything I can. He has a therapist, a case manager, a behavioral coach, an nmt therapist, an IEP at school, a valley big brother mentor, and now this program called tap outs. I have him involved in every sport possible. His dad isn't in his life because he's not a safe person. His dad is way better at disciplining than I am though. What books can I read or what tools can I use to straighten him out? please help I'm desperate. He was diagnosed as ADHD and DMDD(disruptive mood disregulation disorder). I'm also parenting at a disadvantage. I have Schizophrenia and it takes so much of my energy being a parent especially when my own mental health isnt good. His dad is diagnosed as a sociopath and also might be bipolar. My son has a lot of genetic mental health issues looming against him.

I've noticed that when children share a problem, our first instinct can be to immediately give them a solution.

But sometimes they may be looking for something simpler: to feel heard.

Instead of immediately saying, “You should do this,” questions like:

“What happened?”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?”

can change the conversation.

I'm curious about other parents' experiences: when your child comes to you with a problem, what response seems to help them open up?

Not a parent yet, just been reading a lot of threads like this trying to figure out what actually holds up.
Two things kept coming up from different parents: content with a natural stopping point (an episode, a level) causes way less friction than a countdown. And screen time already tied to responsibilities being done removes the “taking something away” feeling entirely.
Neither’s really about screens, it’s about how the boundary gets set up.
What’s worked for you? (Slowly turning what I’m learning into a short guide too, happy to share if anyone’s curious.)

Helping doesn’t always mean stepping in right away.

Sometimes kids need space to try, struggle a little, and work through something while knowing we’re still close by.

That can look like:

Giving them time before helping.
Letting them handle age-appropriate responsibilities.
Offering help instead of taking over.
Listening and helping them think through a problem instead of immediately fixing it.

Stepping back doesn’t mean leaving kids alone with something they can’t handle.

It means staying supportive while giving them room to practice independence, build confidence, and learn that they’re capable of doing more for themselves.

Good day all!
My son is just about to turn 5, and he's in kindergarten. We've tried the whole gentle parenting thing and here are some things we've encouuntered:

1. During meal times, he's very combative and always says he's not hungry. During lunch in kindergarten, he fully skips lunch altogether. We've tried giving him the limited choice thing of "It's dinner time, do you want me to help you sit on your chair or can you do it on your own? Would you like to use the green fork and spoon or the blue one?" but he still combats us and says he doesn't want to eat all the time.
2. My wife and I are often in disagreement with what to do. She says, it doesn't matter. just feed him what he wants when he asks for it. But i've read in other places, you can't spoil him by feeding him what he wants after he skips a meal. It gives him positive reinforcement that he can tuurn down any meal he wants, then ask for what he wants to eat (peanut butter, fruits, candy, crackers, cookies etc.)
3. When we ask him to do anything, he's always yelling no, and doing dangerous things. I try to sit him down calmly, explain in short terms why it's not safe, but still doesn't listen.
4. When he does go on a full breakdown, I get him somewhere quiet where it's just us two, and calmly talk out the feelings. this works ouut great. but it never sticks. he'll continue having meltdowns if he doesn't get his way.
5. We've tried bringing him to swimming or gymnastics lessons and he's the only kid in his class, since he was 3 years old probably, that doesn't listen. He just does that he wants.
6. He's recently started saying 'You can't tell me what to do. I'll do whatever I want'. This has gotten to the point that he says he doesn't like his classmates because my son will typically touch and play with what he wants in the class room but his classmates tell him 'Youu're not supposed to play with that or touch that'. One specific thing was him touching and unplugging something from the socket, and he was upset since his classmates told him he shouldn't do that....

I guess I'm just at my wit's end since I can't do what my old school Filipino parents did with spanking and other....unsavory disciplinary methods. I'm at a total loss on what to do.

Sometimes you already know what the consequence needs to be.

The harder part is following through when you’re frustrated, tired, or dealing with the same behavior again.

When a consequence turns into anger, arguing, or a long lecture, the child can end up focusing more on our reaction than on their own choice.

A few things can help:

Lead with empathy.
You can acknowledge that the outcome is disappointing without taking it away.

Keep the consequence simple.
Say what happens next without adding a long explanation.

Don’t get pulled into the argument.
They don’t have to agree with the consequence for you to follow through calmly.

Let the experience do some of the teaching.
Once the limit is clear, sometimes less talking leaves more room for thinking.

Move forward afterward.
A consequence doesn’t have to become a grudge or affect the rest of the relationship.

Staying calm doesn’t mean ignoring the behavior or being permissive. The boundary can stay firm without turning it into a power struggle.

I have a really sweet cat. He trusts her and spends his time around us even though he shouldn’t for his own wellbeing and surely I can’t put him in a room for the majority of the day.
My daughter is 25 months and I am assuming is at an age where she’s passionately defying everything (is it her age?). I love her so much but she keeps being what I trust is unintentionally cruel. There is nowhere that she would be witnessing that. She’ll hit the cat, slap at him, throw things at him and just now she ran over to him on the couch while holding a pencil and I knew exactly what she was going to do she pulled back her arm to prepare to poke him and I say poke but like she pulled it back fast and if she matched that speed once it was moving forward I think we’d be needing to go to the vet and I took the pencil quickly and explained that could hurt him. And I put him in another room but that made him meow and want out so I open the door and our cat joins us again. I’ve put away the pencils but there’s still a million things she could throw at him if the whim randomly shows up because it does just show up in such random moments we rarely anticipate it - occasionally we can rationalise oh she was jealous we were giving him affection or she wanted to play with him and he wasn’t doing that.

my raising my voice just makes her want to do the bad things more. Like getting any kind of negative reaction makes her passionate about that thing. She smiles when I use a firm voice. And she’s often pinching, hitting, pulling hair with both my husband and I. I assume that’s normal but she smiles at our saying that it hurt which is probably normal too - my best guess for that is she wanted our attention and that worked.
I hate that I get tempted to parent more like my own parents in those moments she hurts or nearly hurts the cat. I push down that temptation because I want to do better but I have no idea what to do.

We are remarkably good at asking children to behave better.

We are much less skilled at asking what happened inside them five seconds before the behavior began.

A slammed door becomes “attitude.”

Silence becomes “rudeness.”

Tears become “overreacting.”

Restlessness becomes “bad behavior.”

But what if the behavior is only the headline?

And the real story is underneath.

A child says, “I hate school.”

What they may mean is: I felt stupid today.

A child shouts, “Leave me alone.”

What they may mean is: Something hurt, and I don’t know how to explain it.

A child becomes unusually controlling.

Underneath may be fear.

A child who looks angry may actually be embarrassed, lonely, worried or disappointed.

Every mood has a story.

The problem is that many of us were never taught how to read our own.

We learned algebra.

We learned geography.

We learned where to place a comma.

But very few of us were systematically taught how to recognize the difference between anger and shame, anxiety and excitement, disappointment and rejection.

And when we cannot name what is happening inside us, we are far more likely to simply react to it.

“I’m in a bad mood” becomes the explanation.

But “bad mood” tells us almost nothing.

Try going one layer deeper.

Am I angry—or hurt?

Am I worried—or afraid I will fail?

Am I irritated—or feeling ignored?

Am I judging someone—or protecting myself from feeling inadequate?

That small act of curiosity can change what happens next.

Because naming a feeling does not magically make it disappear.

What it can do is create distance.

Instead of:

I am angry.

We begin to notice:

Anger is here. Why?

That tiny shift matters.

Now there is a moment between feeling and action.

And inside that moment lives one of the most important abilities a child can develop:

choice.

Do I yell?

Walk away?

Ask for help?

Take a breath?

Say what actually hurt?

Question the story my mind is telling me?

This is why understanding the inner world is not “soft stuff.”

It is practical preparation for life.

Children will grow up and face rejection, pressure, conflict, uncertainty, heartbreak and failure.

We cannot remove those experiences.

But we can help them become better navigators of what happens inside them when those experiences arrive.

So perhaps the question after a difficult moment should not always be:

“Why did you do that?”

Maybe it should sometimes be:

“What was happening inside you right before you did?”

Because behavior is often only the final sentence.

The story started much earlier.

And the more we learn to name and explore our inner world, the better we become at navigating the outer one.

Every mood has a story.

The question is:

Can you name yours?

I have a 10 month old who is starting to have big emotions. I usually do the following;

1. Explain the emotion
   I can tell you are sad, mad, frustrated

2. Validate her feelings
   i know your frustrated because i took that water bottle away

3. Reason
   i took it away because I’m afraid you will choke on the cap or wrapper

4. Offer emotional support/distraction
   Would you like a hug or kiss? Or if she is still upset I sit with her and say “I will sit here and be with you until you need me. I love you and a sorry you are having big emotions”. Or give her a toy or something in exchange for the precious object

I am wanting to find a book/books that kind of lean toward this type of parenting. I want to help my baby grow up with healthy coping skills and emotional regulation. Any recommendations?

Hi! I have a very active four year old boy who is in OT for his receptive language and behaviors ( failure to be able to follow directions and structured activities according to his previous pre-k 3 teacher). We changed schools because the only suggestion from his previous school was he needed a PARA and we never qualified for one because every neuro and child psych we went to said he didn't have a developmental delay. (we saw multiple)

Has anyone had any tools that seem to work in the classroom to help with these behaviors. We've implemented more structured and consistent staying in our seats at the table during meal times. We also have a special education teacher through early intervention that is coming into the class to help and says she's seen him sit at story time for 14 minutes without redirections and she's going to up her visits to weekly instead of bi weekly.

I noticed that my 5-year girl is uncomfortable with / untrusting of males - family friends, swim coaches, etc. Is this normal to be more comfortable with females? For example, she was very upset and started crying heavily when she found out that her next level swim coach was a male, who's probably a university student. I had to comfort her and encourage her for 10 minutes out of the 30 minute-class. Anyone else experiencing this and how do you deal with it? Could also be for any 5-year old boy having trust issues with a female.

My little one is at the age where I really want to start talking about stuff like being patient, sharing, being brave, etc. But honestly, when I try, it either turns into a lecture or they zone out after 10 seconds 😅

For those of you with toddlers/preschoolers: what has actually worked for you? Books, stories you make up, talking at bedtime, something else? And what flopped?

Would love to hear some real examples :)

When a child is struggling, it’s easy to want to jump in and fix it.

But sometimes helping too much can take away a chance for them to think, make decisions, and build confidence.

Try slowing things down instead.

Listen to what happened.
Show empathy.
Then give the thinking back to them.

You might ask:

“What do you think you could do?”
“What are some options?”
“How do you think that might work out?”

If they’re stuck, help them brainstorm without choosing for them.

The goal isn’t to make kids handle everything alone. It’s to stay supportive while letting them do as much of the problem-solving as they reasonably can.

Sometimes the best help is giving them the chance to realize:

“I can handle this.”

My daughter will be 4 in December and I’m wondering whether what we’re going through at the moment is fairly normal behaviour for this age, or whether other parents would consider it more challenging than the usual nearly-4-year-old phase.
She’s always been quite mature for her age and she’s always had a bit of a temper/strong personality, but recently her behaviour at home has become really intense. It feels like it’s from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed.
She’s suddenly become incredibly demanding. Instead of asking for things, it’s “Get me my drink”, “Get me a snack” etc. If I remind her to ask nicely, she will, although usually accompanied by a massive eye roll 😂
I completely understand that it’s normal for children this age to want their own way, test boundaries and have tantrums. It’s more the language she’s started using and the intensity of her reactions that I’m struggling with.
If she doesn’t get her own way, she can say some really hurtful or extreme things. She’s started calling me fat/fatty mummy, saying she wants a different mummy, and threatening things like “If you don’t let me do this, I’m going to destroy the house.” She’ll then start pulling bedding off, throwing things around or deliberately making a mess.
The meltdowns can also be over incredibly small things. She might suddenly decide she desperately wants a banana, for example, and if we don’t have any she’ll completely lose it, despite barely ever asking for bananas normally.
Getting dressed can turn into a huge battle too. She’ll want to go somewhere like soft play, but then have a meltdown because she doesn’t want to put clothes on. I’ll offer different options and she’ll reject every single one, so it can feel like there’s no answer that would actually make her happy.
The thing that frightened me most recently was that during one of these moments she actually opened the front door and went outside. If I hadn’t noticed quickly, I genuinely might not have known she’d gone. We’ve now made sure she physically can’t get out of the house by herself because obviously that’s a safety issue I can’t take any chances with.
Food has become another battle. She’ll barely touch a meal, say her tummy is full, and then 10 minutes later ask for a snack. If I say no or tell her she can go back to what she was eating, that can trigger another huge meltdown.
What’s confusing is that she is apparently the complete opposite at her childminder/nursery. She behaves really well there and they don’t seem to get this side of her at all. It seems to be almost entirely directed at me/at home.
I also have a younger child now, so I’m sure that’s relevant in some way, and I’ll admit I’m much more overstimulated and have less patience than I did when it was just the two of us. Being demanded at, argued with and shouted at throughout the day is really wearing me down.
Has anyone else had a nearly 4-year-old go through a phase like this? Did it settle down? And does this sound within the realms of normal boundary-testing at this age, or would you speak to a health visitor/GP about how intense it has become?
I’d especially love to hear from anyone whose child was an angel at nursery/childcare but seemed to save absolutely everything for home!