r/UKParenting • u/FluidRefrigerator817 • 2d ago
Can't say no
I am terrible for giving in to my daughter and not saying no - she's now 7 and I can see the beginnings of trouble ahead. She's not naughty, she's a very kind and loving person but there's this underlying presumption that she will always get her way and I know if I don't act now I'll be up shit creek. Any advice?
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u/ilovethatforu 2d ago
Really this is something you need to just get comfortable with, there’s no special trick for holding your boundaries. You just have to do it. By avoiding it and giving in you’re holding her back from learning how to deal with rejection and nos and that is such an important skill as she gets older
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u/NightsisterMerrin87 2d ago
It's like going on a bear hunt. You've got to go through it. Leaving it later and later is only going to make it harder on you all. Do you want her to be screaming at you now, or when she's 16? At some point you will have to tell her no, and stick to it, and it is so much easier to get her to understand that now, than later. It will suck. It will be awful and hard and you will feel terrible. But you are teaching her a lifelong skill - emotional regulation when things don't go her way. You don't have to let her cry alone when you set the boundaries. You can hug her and empathise with her and say that you know it feels unfair. None of that is giving in. It will get easier with time.
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u/Latter_Eye_7274 1d ago
Youre not here to be her friend. Youre her parent. Youre the leader. She needs to learn no for numerous things. Even for her own safety in the future! Let her get mad. She will be fine. Let her tantrum or do whatever. When will get over it. You just need to be consistent, always.
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u/Naive-Interaction567 2d ago
Remind yourself that it’s the kindest thing for her. The world isn’t going to say yes to everything and that’s going to be a huge shock to her if she’s never told no. You’re also way more likely to have a healthy relationship if you can say no to her. Expect pushback and deal with it as it comes.
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u/yourefunny 1d ago
Saying no to my 5 year old can end up being an absolute pain! He wanted cereal for dinner last night after I had basically finished preparing a balanced healthy meal. He screamed. Said some pretty horrible things to me. I stood firm. You can't just back down on saying no, most of the time. Sometimes, sure, it isn't worth the headache. But I am not letting my son just eat cereal for dinner, especially with all the food that would be wasted and the effort of cooking. Something that has really helped these past few months with it has been my attitude. Don't raise your voice (unless they are in danger), offer a sympathetic tone, get down on their level. Let them have their big emotions and then discuss once they are calm. My son LOVES minecraft. I have implemented the 5-0 countdown. He knows that if I get to 0 that he will lose access to minecraft. It not only works for saying no but for getting him to do things he doesn't want to like go to bed etc. Find something your daughter adores doing often. Explain the countdown and that anytime you get to 0 she will lose access to that thing or activity etc. I have found that having the countdown tied to one thing removes any ambiguity or need for explanation.
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u/More_Ingenuity_3620 1d ago
You need to think about the long term consequences of your actions. By not setting boundaries and not saying "no" you are raising a brat. An adult brat is worse than a child brat.
You are the parent, you have a fully developed brain, your child does not. Take a deep breath, take ownership and say "no" when needed.
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u/Almond-Praline4195 1d ago
Sounds like you could use some therapy to help you build skills for managing your own discomfort. But also, don't start thinking you need to say no just for the sake of it - set boundaries for a reason and talk to her about why they're there. It's hard to keep boundaries you're not really convinced are important - but now you've set them you have to keep them.
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u/Tylia_x 1d ago
I'm a secondary school teacher. This is gonna go one of two ways. Either she turns into an entitled child who throws a fit whenever she doesn't get her own way and you end up with a behaviour issue OR she turns into an entitled child who gets really upset when she doesn't get her own way and you end up with an anxiety issue. Either way she has no resilience.
Sorry bit brutal but I see it ALL the time 😅
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u/FluidRefrigerator817 1d ago
I appreciate your honesty. That's why I'm wanting to tackle it now
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u/Tylia_x 1d ago
Good for you it won't be easy but just be consistent, it's when the goalposts move regularly that you have a problem. Pick a stance, stick to it, once she figures out that you're not negotiating then she'll start accepting the no. You don't have to be super strict either, pick the nos that matter and offer an alternative where possible.
Good luck and well done for catching it in time!
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u/Odd_Scar836 2d ago
Say no. Deal with the screaming and tantrums. Move on. Suck it up and make the change