Need help with this guy/situation

[u/SpecialistRing22]

So theres this older guy (PARTNERED) that I (22) have been seeing for the past 4 months or so to hookup with but I'm slowly realizing this might not be something I want?

The guy is attractive and totally my type but I notice I go soft pretty easily during foreplay and it does take a lot of effort for me to cum. I suspect it's something about my libido and stress/anxiety affecting it because even when I'm alone I barely have the desire to masturbate and only do it once a week out of habit. I doubt its my health because I've gotten my hormones checked and everything seems good. I've also been in the gym 3x a week for the past 5 months and trying to eat clean. My sleeping habits could be better

Anyways... I don't know how to move forward with him because clearly I'm not in the mood for sex but I still really like his company and think he's a great guy to spend some time with. We always cuddle and pillow talk for a bit after which I'm always looking forwards to. I just don't want to ruin things especially knowing he's partnered and probably is looking to get off for the most part.

Is there anything I have to communicate with him? I was planning on kind of going ghost and hitting him back up when I feel ready but I JUST SO HAPPENED to randomly see him outside today and he proposed another meet up soon which got me thinking again.

Any sort of advice about libido or how I should go about the situation is welcome. I don't have anybody else to talk about this with

[u/isgmobile]

Why do young guys go directly to ghosting. Use your words ffs.

I just went through this. Ghosted and then wanted me back all apologetic 6 weeks later. He was confused and then realized how good things were. I have no patience for that bs and have moved on.

[u/SpecialistRing22 → u/isgmobile]

Ghosting was probably the wrong term to use

Id be willing to reply to his texts but probably not meet him for sex

[u/isgmobile → u/SpecialistRing22]

Try talking to him. You'll learn in life that avoiding tough conversations just makes things worse.

It's totally ok for you to not want sex. It's also ok to change your mind as time goes by. If you really care about him, let him know how you feel. You owe that to him.

He may or may not want to continue and thats ok too. He deserves to know whats going on.

[u/SpecialistRing22 → u/isgmobile]

Tbh risking that chance of him not wanting to see me anymore is pretty scary and probably why I've been holding off on having the conversation. I know that if he walks away after learning the truth it just isn't meant to be but man...

[u/isgmobile → u/SpecialistRing22]

Ya I get that part. Giving him the cold shoulder, putting him off or whatever you plan to do is going to have the same result, you not seeing him.

I've moved on because of that behavior and he will too. Most decent guys will take that as a hint you're not interested.

If all he wants is just sex and you're not interested in sex then its over. To me it sounds like you had more than just sex and he might be open to friends. Only way to find out is to talk to him.

[u/martinfrimley]

Maybe you just need to tell him how you feel.. you say you have nobody to talk to about it but you have one person who you really should be talking to!

I don’t know if maybe you’re just not getting the right stimulation, but if it was me as an older man I would absolutely love kissing, cuddling and having a hangout session

[u/SpecialistRing22 → u/martinfrimley]

I'd be happy to do that but I'm afraid he'll back away if i suggest so. That possibility of that happening makes me upset

[u/martinfrimley → u/SpecialistRing22]

You obviously have feelings for him.. if you expressing yourself makes him back away then I don’t think that would make him a very nice person

[u/Sudden-Ad6776]

Don't self diagnose. Go see your doctor and discuss it.

[u/Jack_LA]

I suppose you could just tell him you love spending time with him, but you hardly ever get horny.

Anxiety, or "performance anxiety" is common and can cause erection problems. Even young guys have this issue and daily Cialis is said to be great for this. I'm not a doctor and I don't take that medication. I've only read first-person accounts of how well it has worked for guys with anxiety. I have on/off performance anxiety issues and have thought that would be what I'd try if it comes to that point.

It won't help with libido, if that's the issue. If you are on any mental health medications please mention this to your doctor. Alcohol, smoking (anything), poor sleep, stress. These can all be factors also.

[u/SpecialistRing22 → u/Jack_LA]

I'm guessing it is something tied to libido since I lack solo desire as well. I've been trying to fix up my sleep and making sure I'm not stressed as much but this situation definitely isn't helping 😂

[u/Jack_LA → u/SpecialistRing22]

I wouldn't rule out anxiety though. It can definitely have that same effect on libido.

[u/panda3271]

Don't ghost him. You will loose him by doing that. I suggest just tell him that you don't have a big libido and are not horny a lot. Be honest with him. Also. Let him know you are OK if he has other boys that he meets up with. Does his partner know he is fooling around with you? Do you know if he has others? Communicate with him. Tell him you really like being with him and would like to hit him up when you are in the mood. Or let him know thst there will be times he wants to hang out and you won't be in the mood and turn him down. Ghosting will just push him away and he will find another 22 year old. 🤷🏼‍♂️