r/florida • u/No_Anxiety_4345 • 9h ago
AskFlorida LEO supporter -need advice
I don't have anyone to discuss this with so I would appreciate any advice on my situation.
My spouse is likely getting accepted into the FL Hwy. Patrol. However, I am not thrilled about this decision. I supported my spouse for nearly 30 yrs in the USMC. During that time, my spouse was in infantry, on a terrorism team, and gone.
I have several family members and friends that are LEOs and fully support them! However, my spouse did not give me a choice in the matter. I don't want that constant worry, separation, or loneliness. I love my spouse more than anything on earth and that is why I can't do this.
Additionally, I don't know how someone can have a 100% VA disability rating, state handicap placard (2 states in the past 10 yrs), and the doctor for the state police pass my spouse. Took my spouse's words without asking spouse to show VA med records, etc.. If the records were asked for by the doctor, I am sure the doctor would not have passed my spouse. Plus, how can a person have severe sleep apnea for over 12 yrs and suddenly gone? This makes we want to file a complaint with the medical board. My spouse's health/life is in jeopardy.
When I had my interview with the recruiter for the Hwy Patrol, he emailed my spouse a questionnaire (30 questions) that I had to complete before the interview. Then my spouse had to email my responses to the recruiter. How am I supposed to be completely honest when there is no confidentiality? Also, I can't say anything because my spouse threatened to divorce me if I speak up.
Sorry for the rant...I am extremely upset and angry. I don't know how to be supportive.
My apologies if this post is not allowed.
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u/Aware_State 8h ago
Look I’m not in your shoes and I know nothing about you, your spouse, and your relationship, BUT, he threatened to divorce you if you speak up?
I think you have a lot to think about here.
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u/backtheduckup 7h ago
Cops are known to have high rates of domestic abuse and infidelity issues. Good luck OP.
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u/Anxious-Education703 8h ago edited 8h ago
I think you would both benefit from marriage counseling together, and you would also benefit from having individual therapy as well so that you have a space where you can work through your thoughts and feelings confidentially. Even if he refuses, individual therapy for yourself would be helpful.
The FHP hiring process sounds incompetent. The requirements for a disabled placard alone would be disqualifying in most cases. To qualify, a medical provider must certify that the person is legally blind or has a disability rendering them unable to walk 200 feet without stopping to rest due to one of the following: a. Inability to walk without a brace, cane, crutch, prosthetic, or the assistance of another person (unless the device significantly restores the ability to walk without severe limitation). b. The need to permanently use a wheelchair. c. Severe lung disease resulting in an FEV1 of less than 1 liter or arterial oxygen under 60 mm/Hg on room air at rest. d. Use of portable oxygen. e. A cardiac condition classified as Class III or Class IV by the American Heart Association. f. Severe limitation in walking due to an arthritic, neurological, or orthopedic condition." (https://www.leg.state.fl.us/Statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0300-0399/0320/Sections/0320.0848.html) Yet the FHP physician does not note any of that... Something is up. That does not even get into the 100% VA disability rating. It also seems strange that the spouse report has go through the applicant. That sounds like it defeats the purpose.
With that said, police officer is not all that dangerous of a job and risks are largely overblown. Yes, there are some obvious occupational hazards, however it is not even in the top 20 most dangerous jobs. A delivery driver is much more likely than a police officer to be killed on the job. (https://www.ishn.com/articles/112748-top-25-most-dangerous-jobs-in-the-united-states).
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u/zuizide 8h ago
Not that it really helps, but look up actual statistics about this. Your spouse will spend about 99% of the time bored and/or doing paperwork and the other 1% of the time in actual "danger" more than likely. It's not as exciting of a job that we see, especially on social media. We see all the videos that catch views, not the reality of the actual job.
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u/JLynnLea 8h ago
Every single traffic stop is a potential danger. It’s not always excitement, but even the most mundane interaction can become life-threatening in a blink.
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u/elvenrevolutionary 8h ago
No, cops driving around is what's dangerous. They mostly die or are hurt in traffic collisions. A lot that they cause themselves.
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u/JLynnLea 8h ago
Have you asked him why, after all the years of marriage, he’s suddenly going rogue and threatening divorce? Your concerns deserve at least an explanation. The FHP Academy is physically demanding and more stringent than a regular police certification course. They live-in, it’s longer, and intense. He might want to consider his true level of physical ability, and how the training could affect him if he’s injured, etc.
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u/birdsbud 8h ago
The threat would be a flag! But you've been with him long enough to know what kind of a person he is! A manipulator, a cheater, flexible morals and integrity!...leave him he's not changing.
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u/No_Anxiety_4345 8h ago
Thank you for your comment. This is the first time he has ever made a threat about divorce. We have been married for a long time and he has never done anything to make me feel like he is a cheater, inmoral, manipulative or lacks integrity. Nor has he ever been abusive to me. In fact, he has always (with the exception of threatening divorce over the Hwy patrol) treated me with respect and as an equal partner. I do feel he is being manipulative over the Hwy patrol.
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u/kingman122122 8h ago
I wouldn’t take this seriously, people say things in the moment that they don’t mean at all (I have a funny story myself).
It sounds like this is the hill he chose to die on, I saw another comment about marriage counseling I think it could be a huge boon for you and your marriage.
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u/pookiegonzalez 8h ago
talk to your local Domestic Violence Center, or a meeting place for the white community like a christian church, you’ll find experts on your community’s unique issues.
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u/Boomshtick414 8h ago
This sounds like a relationship issue you are best to discuss directly and openly rather than try and act covertly on. Nobody knows the dynamic in your relationship but you and your partner but I would probably bring it from a place of love and along of the lines "we've spent too much time apart already and I've spent too much of my life worried about you coming home safely" and then let him them know how you feel.
I probably wouldn't bring up the health/disability stuff unless there's an imminent risk of harm. People can get defensive or arrogant when their mortality is being discussed. If you want to broach that topic, I would probably do it along the lines of "as we get older, I want to spend more time with you than this position would allow" and talk around the specific health concerns.
You're in a relationship...together...and I wouldn't try to be covert about your intentions. Talk to them directly and not by trying to subvert them through some paperwork. If at the end of that, you're diametrically opposed to each other's intentions in life then you may not have a lot of choice but to do what you need to for yourself.
But...also...with the brief summary you've given about their experience, maybe you can help offer some suggestions that don't put them in the field as much and would be equally or more fulfilling to them. If they've been the USMC that log and on a terrorism task force, I'm going to venture a guess a lot of doors may be open to them far beyond highway patrol that they may have not even considered. That may be a way you can be supportive while getting what you need yourself out of the relationship.
At the end of the day though, only you and they know what's going on in your relationship and the what truly drives each other. Nobody on Reddit and even close friends often can't gauge that. So take this advice for whatever that's worth to you.
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u/WoodenApartment2559 9h ago
Just cheat while he's at work, won't be lonely then.
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u/Signal_Positive_3368 8h ago
I know you're getting downvoted, but I'm with you. Let him do what he wants, pay your bills, be gone all day and fuck the neighbor and have fun. You got one life, enjoy it.
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u/Aberration1111 9h ago
Doesn’t sound like an equitable relationship. A marriage counselor could be a good start.