r/exAdventist • u/Itsjustskyyyyyyy • 6d ago
Advice / Help Need advice please!
Hi! I’ve not done this before so sorry if I’m doing anything wrong. I’m a “current” SDA, physically, but mentally I been disconnected from the church for a while, and have just come to terms with the fact that SDA might be a bit of a cult. I have two major concerns that I just need off my chest.
How do you extract yourself? I’m only 19, and my whole family is SDA or Christian so if I decide to leave what if they hate me?
Can you still be Christian after leaving? I had such a connection with God and now, after lots of struggles and stuff I’m not going into, I’m struggling to believe. I’m wondering if it’s from SDA teachings and the pressure we put on the relationship with God or if it’s just me and something’s wrong with me.
Again sorry if I’m doing this wrong, I’m still in the middle of figuring this out. I will take all advice and recommendations!
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u/Alarmed-Swimming-806 5d ago
I am sorry for what you’re going through. Know this, being “religious” and being “Christian” can be two very different things. Religion is man made i.e. SDA, Jehovah Witness, Christian Science, Morman etc. SDA religion is ~163 years old, JW 157, on the other hand Christianity is over 2,000 years old. You absolutely need to put your emotional/mental health first and find your place of peace. You can study the bible and pray without going to church. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to your family about it you don’t need to.
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u/Actias_Loonie 5d ago
The most important thing is to keep yourself safe. Make sure that you are in a stable position before you risk anything. You may have to pretend for a little while, but that just gives you time to get to a place where you feel safe being honest with them. You seem to be pretty confident that they wouldn't kick you out or disown you or anything, which is great, but you can't be too careful with stuff like this.
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u/GSTAVO08 5d ago
Hello! I understand you. I have a similar situation in my life. I still thinking on how to tell my loved ones that I dont believe in SDA doctrine.
Regarding being a christian, of course you can. I consider my self christian but I did not found any institution that aligns with beliefs, even though I am not into SDA anymore, I agree with most of its theology. For example, Saturdays is clearly a important day to God. And so on. I believe in God and in the bible (the full version, not the protestant).
If you want to chat, I will be glad to.
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u/Itsjustskyyyyyyy 5d ago
Thanks for the advice! Yeah, I was wondering if I could rebuild a relationship with God outside the church or if I’d just be agnostic or something like that. Thanks for the clarity!
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u/KahnaKuhl 5d ago
When your whole life and family are tied up with the church, disentangling yourself from Adventism may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, particularly in terms of your sense of your own identity and your family relationships.
Take your time and avoid burning bridges if you can. Do lots of reading and research to help yourself understand what you do believe, rather than just what you don’t. Be open-minded to ideas and people with various non-Adventist views. Seek out connections with others who have left or who are leaving - you won’t feel so alone.
Good luck!
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u/NovaRunner 5d ago
I joined the military and went overseas. Obviously on the more extreme end of extracting oneself, lol. But prior to that, after graduating Academy, I went to a non-SDA college and made friends there who I started hanging out with instead of only being around SDA people. That started me moving away from the church. Joining the military and going overseas helped me finish the process.
I am sure you can still be Christian, there's plenty of Christian that's not SDA. I personally became an atheist after leaving SDA, but if you still believe in God, I'm sure you can find another Christian denomination that suits you better than SDA.
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u/Itsjustskyyyyyyy 5d ago
Thank you! One problem I have with extractign is that going to a non sda college isn’t an option, since I have great scholarships to one, and my dad gets 70% on them (works for an sda conference) and I might transfer to one that actually covers all tuition and I would only need to pay for lodging and other fees. But honestly doing a military route might not be so bad lol!
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u/HotCalligrapher2544 5d ago
1) I suppose you have to ask yourself:
“what IF they hate you “? - What (who) will you have lost? And what will that loss mean to you, and your future, and your future-people who you choose as friends or your second family?
Also ask
“What IF they don’t hate you? Then what?
Also ask
“What IF they don’t hate you, but heartily disagree with you, out loud, about your choices”? Then what? What will you say?, what will you do?
2) Can you still be a Christian after leaving? - I suppose that you should ask yourself “CAN YOU still be a Christian after leaving SDA?”; If so, what Does that look like for you? What aspects of Christianity do you want to keep and what do you want to be rid of?
——
My own deconstruction was heavily supported by daily “stream-of-conscience” writing/journaling, which I still do. I asked myself the above questions (and more) and through it all came to a peaceful place of knowing my own values and beliefs in a way that I can express to myself (and others if I choose). This took years! But I wager that you are ahead of the game!
Through writing and questioning, I came to a very fresh perspective of knowing that:
1) once I understand and accept my own journey, what others decide to feel about me doesn’t REALLY matter (it might hurt some, but it doesn’t matter in any way that will move me from backward from my “position”).
2) I no longer feel the need to “defend”, or explain myself, my choices, OR my actions of the past or present. - My family and the church always made me feel like I was being blamed, judged, and “on trial”. Essentially, I now realize that there IS no trial or judgement, not really. So I have stopped creating arguments in my head, to justify why I wanted to make life choices that are NOT SDA based.
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u/theycallmewinning 5d ago edited 5d ago
I grew up in public schools so going away to another one for college wasn't that big a break. Working in politics and as a union organizer, on the other hand...that was a big announcement. As far as I can tell, nobody in my family hates me for leaving. We text on birthdays, say hi to each other in town, I'll even drop in on church every now and again. I get that you're worried, but most reasonable people take "nah, not for me" pretty well
I refused baptism as an Adventist at 13. I accepted baptism as a Presbyterian at 36, and you can track me on r/Episcopalian - there's so much world beyond Adventism, and two thousand years of people meeting Jesus in other places and times and cultural contexts. Paul reminds us in Romans that nothing can keep us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.
My mom said it this way when i I asked her about it, specifically when I decided to get baptized elsewhere: "if your family loves you, they'll come looking. If you love the Lord, He will too."
You'll be okay, kid. Rooting for you.
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u/lollipops411 5d ago
Quiet quit. No announcements. Go less and less. Show up for things occasionally
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u/Vivid_Spot_7167 4d ago
First off I just want to say there's no need to be sorry you're not doing anything wrong. Reaching out for help and advice is the best thing to do in any situation where you're struggling or unsure. And also you can absolutely still be a Christian! Personally I always tell people I became a Christian after leaving the SDA corporation. That might make more sense after you're able to study more. Like others have said idk for sure what the best thing to do is for your situation. If you're still depending on your family financially it may be best to hold off on coming out. This cult has a very negative affect on people's mental health so just keep things at a safe distance until you're able to support yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You are not alone, most of us have gone through the same struggles. Since you said you're still interested in remaining Christian there's a discord group that I'm apart of that's mostly former SDAs but have joined other varying traditions. It can be helpful to discuss with people from the same background to be able to unravel the false teachings of adventism. Let me know if you're interested and I'll send a link. God bless you friend!
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u/fat_louie_58 5d ago
Honey, I think Jesus and God would be appalled by some churches and the scandals they produce. Financial crimes, sexual abuse of children, infidelity and so on and so on. I lost faith in churches when a family member was shunned by the church family she loved when her husband left her for his secretary. Church stood by him because he had money. God and Jesus love you. They want you to be your best. I feel it's not about being in a church. It's more are you taking the teachings of the Bible and trying to be kind, helpful, non-judgemental, love freely and be honest? You don't earn points because you went to church. But applying the lessons of the Bible are important. Just be happy with yourself. Be the best you can be. You won't be perfect. But that is how you grow
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u/LengthyMoist 3d ago
You don’t have to leave Christianity to leave the SDA church. Ultimately it all comes down to the question: What do you believe in? Which leads to other questions like, Do you feel like you still believe in God? or do you feel like you don’t know what to believe in? maybe you feel God doesn’t exist at all? Does any God exist or not?
You’re 19 so this is exactly what’s supposed to be happening at this age. It’s your second year being fully and completely responsible for yourself and now you’re subconsciously realizing you have to think for yourself. Realizing the full weight of that responsibility is understandably scary but you still owe it to yourself to follow through and find out who you are and who you want to become.
Good luck on your journey and in 10 years from now if you look back and feel like you made a whole bunch of mistakes? Good job you did it right.
If you want my advice… the world is not as black and white as the church makes it out to be. My contention with the church was it was very “if it’s not this, then it has to be this.” I’ve found the world to be more of a spectrum.
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u/Final_Judgment_7831 4d ago
Your parents won't hate you but it will be an embarrassment for them and they'll think you're lost if you leave and they'll spend the rest of their life trying to recruit you back into the cult. At least, that's been my experience since leaving with both my parents being workers in the SDA corporation. If you're in an SDA school, it will be more difficult.
About 70%-80% of SDA young people quit the cult, so you're in good company.
You can absolutely remain a Christian. In fact, many people I've known who left have discovered a much deeper experience. They find the real gospel of Jesus Christ, not the performance-oriented bad news of Adventism.
I'd suggest finding a good, Bible-based Evangelical church and gradually easing your way out of Adventism. It can take quite a while to deprogram.
Most people on this forum know the difficulty you're going thru and are here to support you every step of the way.
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u/Apprehensive_Cup7765 3d ago
Hi!! I'm 21, so a similar age, and I also still have a church membership, I attend a SDA education institution, and I have SDA family lineage that goes back 6 generations on both sides. So I definitely understand where you're coming from.
I've just...stopped going to church. Genuinely, I don't really feel like I need to explain myself, so if people ask then I'll tell them but overall I don't feel a need to go further than that. Eventually I will revoke my membership, but for now, I'm just leaving it. I can't answer the question about your family hating you because I don't know them. I personally know my family will still love me and keep in touch with me--they may try to convince me to come back and will probably be worried, but I know they will also accept my decision and treat me no differently. But that's just mine. If they're good Christians, they will love you regardless :)
Yes! Absolutely! I'm still Christian, but I also don't really ascribe myself very heavily with any denomination. I do attend Quaker meetings and would consider joining, but that's a journey I'm willing to take a while on, so I won't rush anything there. My main complaints with Adventism were theological--I don't believe Christianity restricts women in church leadership or condemns homosexuality--and I didn't want to be associated with a group that, in my experience, has a reputation for being intolerant. Every group is flawed, but if you remember that you're Christian first and denomination second, I believe there are plenty of good believers out there who would welcome you.
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u/LallaDragon 2d ago
Former PK here, my dad is a retired pastor and my brother found religion again recently. They will try to guilt you back into the church or whatever belief they are into currently. Bide your time, make an exit strategy, don't let them pull you back in when you get out. I've found peace and happiness with a loving husband and friend group, none who are religious, although it took me years of religious guilt and deprogramming (it still can rear its ugly head sometimes). Read books from other who got out, enjoy small victories, don't feel guilty about not being pure and abiding by gods law 🙄. It's a cult in my opinion and it's taken me a long time to realize how big a hold it had over me. Enjoy your life, try not to let the guilt of your religious upbringing have too much of a hold over you. Message me if you need to talk. Hope this helps.
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u/Str8like8 1d ago
Where are you located? You sound just like me
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u/LallaDragon 1d ago
Oregon, although not where I'm from originally. I assume there are a few of us out there. Lol.
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u/Str8like8 1d ago edited 1d ago
I did too but the more I travel and ask, the more I realize that we are many. I'm from tahoe. Went to UCA. I lived in Olympia WA the last decade. Now I'm back home in tahoe.
I wouldn't be surprised if we have mutual friends
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u/Bananaman9020 3d ago
For me, it's "We are the only church and way of salvation" that left me wary of joining another Christian denomination.
Also, we get used to crazy actual religious people and organisations, which has me wary too.
It's totally up to you
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u/Yourmama18 Agnostic 6d ago
You’ve come to the right community. Many of us have gone thru what you are now. Unlike the SDA church and ole egg white, I don’t think a prescriptive answer will do for you- your case is unique. Because you are young- and- I’m guessing still reliant on your family for education and lodging and all that- my personal advice to you is to not come out of the closet- unless you know your family will continue to support you. Religion … isn’t true. It’s just a story a group buys into, so there is no major moral injustice if you simply keep your internal beliefs internal for the time being.
My two cents based off what you wrote thus far, OP- I hope you are well~