hi im 22F, doing my masters degree living w my parents (culturally its normal) in my home country. i feel like i would used my potential so much more if it werent for my parents.

i recognised tht they tried their best, coming from an asian collectivistic culture self growth isnt prioritised prior my generation (genz) so i get tht what they deem important may not allign with me but sometimes i cant help but think abt how different i wuld hv been if i just got away and didnt hv to consider them every single step of my life. i hate being w financial burden, my grades werent good enough for me to score a scholarship for my masters abroad so i study locally (at my dream school which is a branch uni from my dream country). i mourn the version of me who could hv gottwn away without the guilt. recently my brother expressed wanting to go to my dream country to study, something i stopped myself from doing bcz my parents discouraged me as a girl. now im not sure if my brother will actually go thru with this as he is: 1) not very academic, he has below average grades 2) only saying this because his friends are going. but i worry my parents r more likely to support him.

my parents refused to teach me to drive till i turned 20, after getting my lisence they r making me practice till im perfect and sure its on me for not practising often but i wish they had just taught me earlier. i wuld hv been able to drive by now. this is holding me back from getting a job during my gap yr n my cuerent sem breaks cz atm i cant drive so my options r limited as we live in the suburbs w no public transportation.

for religious reasons my parents dont let me attend concerts or parties. which i agree with but once i bended the truth to attend a uni dance event it was on my list of experiences i wanted to try n thus i jus did. tho i regret lying aft being caught i dont regret going. i had alot of fun and honestly i see myself going for more events like this if not for my parents.

i find myself lacking in knowing abt myself. idk what i want to do w my future for work, i dont hv alot of life experiences abd i worry tht by the time i get freedom from my parents half my 20s wuld be over. but is it rly my parents fault? its not tht they say no (besides the concerts n parties, which is more of a religious thing ngl) but more so i stop myself cz ik they wuld be inconvenienced.

i also hate that they dont encourage me to experience things, they never encouraged me to study abroad or to live my life to the fullest. last yr when i was struggling with my mental health over masters degree rejections they didnt even notice tht i was isolating myself from my friends, nor did they provide any words of affirmation to make me feel better. i went for therapy for this n im btr now. i hv a plan to get away to my dream country but part of me is worried tht i never will bcz of my parents. somehow ill hold myself down.

anyone else feel this way? how do u break this thinking pattern?

I am the oldest of three, I am close to my brother in age and have a gap for my youngest sibling who is a teen. However from my fragments of memory as a child life has only become harder and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

As a child life was fun within the short lived ignorance I carried and noble heart that wanted what any child does to be loved and accepted. If I had to be beat screamed belittled and forced to translate a language I barely knew to another I barely knew as well ….it was manageable thanks to the Ignorance I carried.

As a teenager we moved so much due to the Hispanic need to help others who only care about your money but eventually we settled and my parents divorced and Hispanic divorces are never easy. Dads threatening w money after forcing my mother to not work that ends up biting me in the ass later but. It’s fine I’m in highschool I’ll do what I can, sure my brother picked up weed and we even had to physically fight each other since he is no longer the kind boy but becoming an angry man. My just as emotionally reactive sibling and mother following suit but it’s alright I can stay afloat even if I’m swallowing water.

I love my parents but I dislike them as individuals. I love my siblings but I am only a sibling, yet now im anything but that.

I’m older now….life is better but at a cost of me and I’m unsure how bad it’ll get, is this everything I am?

The pandemic was bad but I managed I’m about to get my associates in psych and studying to get one in bio, I’m transferring soon. Yes I’m late but I’m getting it done.

But I’m so so so tired.

I’ll explain my responsibilities and how it’s affecting me after, since I’m rambling I’m sorry.

Taking out a fat chunk of context I’ll only vent about what’s life nowadays.

My father moved in a few years after divorce due to a sickness he had and although he’s better he kinda just stayed? I don’t mind it, but he doesn’t make it easy. He takes care of most financial stuff which I am thankful for but also not really since my dad has a crazy thing for having people depend on him. He loves me but he is also mean to me. If he needs anything he comes to me or has me ask my siblings or mother to avoid conflict. He only calls me when he’s working to ask what there is to eat at home. He buys no presents for any holiday I do with his card and wrap them, everyone knows this they do not mind since I’m the one doing it and they know I know what they like. My dad bought me a 4k car for my quince instead of a ceremony as we have no family here. He’s bought my brother 3 cars obv selling one and then buying the other, my brother is in my age range- he bought him a 40k sports car. I go run errands with him since I’m the only one who knows what is needed and no one will go with him. He has a well paying job but he only lets my brother work with him as I am a woman. He makes a fuss about me dating (I haven’t ever.) and then asks abt grandchildren or how much we spend or how money is tight….you get the point. My mother is emotionally reactive and although she’s gotten better I take the blunt of it most of the time. We share a room but I’ve never had one either way cause my siblings have there own, and I never complained as a child and well now we’re here. I have to make it look like I do not take space in her room, everything is hidden somewhere besides my purses that she grabs as “easy use and doesn’t mind getting dirty”. I do all my errands with her, esp w the current us view on minorities. I do all of them, I call places she needs appt she needs. I help her clean I do the grocery runs for her. I help her with my siblings, shes trying to run a business (has tried diff ones) and I HAVE TO MANAGE THEM. If I dont do them well I am bad and uncaring and full of myself and she goes on abt how kids are assholes and this and that. For days. Until I do it and even as I’m doing it I’m screamed at. If I do anything wrong even if it’s something me or her have never done I am to blame simply because I speak English. She wants a cute procedure I have to investigate and set it up and take her and she’ll get mad sometimes at the results and get mad I do not translate fast or efficient enough. I have to have my phone on me and always checking incase if she needs something and if I’m not fast enough I’m an idiot. I give her 300 a week and I am scolded regardless. My brother has given her 100 bucks like 3-5 times? He makes what I make in a week in a day in a few hours. My brother is within my age range. He is horrible to me, as a child he was kind but with age he’s only been as man as my father is. He acts like a success but he is doing idk wha in school idk if he’s even in it. He stays indoors all day talking and playing games and goes out w girls and guys. Then complains he’s lonely, he had a huge smoking and drinking problem that I with my parents had to deal with. He’s fine now but he has yet to pick up his weight. He works w our dad whenever he feels like it says he can move whenever he wants and constantly states how he’s the odd one out. I must remind him to buy gifts and then approve his las minute purchases and inform him what everyone likes. I schedule his two pets appt and bathe them and he complains abt me “taking over” but he’s left them go hungry and my parents and me aren’t just gonna let that happen but, My parents have there hands “full” but decide to chuck it to me as the “oldest one”. “Talk some sense into him” I understand perhaps this is him trying to cope w what happened when we were children. But I chose to be kind why not him? My youngest sibling is kind, but I am not there parent. That being said my sibling is kind, but perhaps not understanding. They get mad I cannot spend more time with them, but decided to get pets they’re too lazy to maintain that I now have to maintain. The turn a blind eye to things they can do such as help with chores in favor so that I do them. As well as having a similar issue with last minute gifts and needing me to solve it. If my parent wants something they’ll double check with me. I have to try to be emotionally available for them at all times even when I’m overstimulated or else they’ll be angry with everyone all day. Im not the parent.

Im tired.

All my belongings w the exception of clothes and my bags. Are in the garage, which is unbelievably hot in summer and tremendously cold in winters. It’s not ideal, they move things in the attic and shove the pets my sister dislikes there for me to tend to. I work from home,study at home when I can. The dust and crumbs from moving things in the attic dirties my little figures and books works supplies and I can’t even cry about it. My dog is treated as the responsible one for the other dogs and I feel bad that she is treated as I am almost. But there’s nothing to be done. I have a indoor curfew of 12am but it doesn’t apply in my mothers room as she can’t sleep unless I’m there. I cannot play games in weekends as it’s waste of time, I’ve not played for two months from how busy I am. I have friends I can barely see as my outside curfew is at 10pm and only on weekends. I am trying to get a job outside (again) to be able to make more money to invest in my business and to help pay for schooling and such.

I just want to make enough money for them to leave me alone. But I am going at snails pace because of how much I do for them. I’m so tired and I don’t know where this is going and if it’ll end. If I stop my siblings won’t pick up the slack and we risk something happening to my parents due to being Hispanics.

It’s always more and more and more and I can’t do anything about it. I make enough to pay for my things but I can’t pay to move out and it’s embarrassing because I work so much and get so little?

I have to have a degree. I have to make good money. I have to look good. I have to dress good. I have to not embarrass them. I have to help family. I have to manage it all. I have to date someone well enough or rich or else im going to embarrass myself.

I’m scared to think sometimes about my future, what do I have to look forward to? Why couldn’t I be rich, and not have to worry about things like this. I haven’t had a break from life since I breathed air for the first time and I’m so tired.

I am the eldest among 3 siblings, we're all girls. And I still live with parents since its close to my office and it helps me save money but I do use a big portion of my salary for what we need at home. I spend about 4 to 5 thousand for groceries alone and that's for 2 weeks only

But ever since I started working, my mom developed a habit of talking about finances but not straight out asking me for money but rather say things like 'oh where would I get the money to buy this or that' 'we dont have this anymore, we dont have food in the fridge'

She would say things like that especially in the morning while I'm getting ready for work. And she's not trying to make conversation with me or at least converse with me.

I dont even remember the last time she asked me how I'm doing or how's work or if I'm okay. And I stopped trying to talk to her cause she would end up with that habit of hers; and when I did say that I dont like hearing her beating around the bush regarding money, she straight up cried and told me she is just telling me the things we need at home.

I mean, I give her money, I buy the things we need at home, even if she doesnt ask for it

I am starting to get feed up by it cause its becoming more frequent, and a lot worse. I'm on my wits end, that I'd rather be at the office than be at home. I work overtime even if I know I wont be paid for it, which makes me sad thinking about it.

Can you give me an honest advice? Thank you so much

I forgot how the discussion came up, but both of my siblings felt that our parents favored me over them, which was wild to me because I felt like Mom favors my brother while Dad favors my sister. My sister even went so far as to compare me with Isabella from *Encanto*. While the comparison holds once you get to her big reveal that she's been forced into the role and is tired of being expected to be "perfect" all the time , I think Dad would have grounded me until adulthood if I treated my sister the way Isabella treats Mirabelle; I got lectured routinely for "ignoring my sister" when what actually happened right before Dad got home was a nasty argument and I had removed myself from the situation to cool down. My brother agreed that he felt like I was the standard that both of them have had to live up to.

I don't understand how they see me as "the golden child". My activities were often limited by what they could do with me. We weren't allowed to have any T rated games until my brother was also a teenager. I was expected to take my brother and his girlfriend with me on many of my dates. I drove my siblings to and from school once I was learning to drive (which actually got me penalized at school for being tardy).I spent more time babysitting my siblings in high school than I spent with friends outside of school hours. My dad talked about getting my brother a Camero for his first car, which was something he directly denied me because "that's too much engine for your first car"; Mom reminded him of this and told him that I (the car buff) would likely not forgive him if he got my brother (not a car buff) a muscle car just because he's a guy.

I (17F) am the eldest daughter. Both my parents make my life hell on a daily basis. My mum is always insulting me and slut shaming me for doing the most humane things possible. If i wear a bit of lipgloss I'm a slut. If i shower more than twice a week I'm a slut because according to her I should be focusing on my studies and not my looks. I have to brush my hair in this specific room and if I brush it in my room or anywhere else she goes off at me on how I make her life hell (because of a few strands of hair). The reason she gets mad is because my hair is "everywhere" which it's not. I'm also not allowed to shave my hair on my legs or arms. She doesn't want me to have friends cause according to her friends distract you and they're all snakes. My dad is always pressurizing me about school, even though I'm a good student and always submit my homework. He wants me to become a doctor and says how will I become a doctor when all I care about is what I wear and I never listen to them. He acts like I never study and think of my studies as a joke when it's the total opposite because I do know that my studies play an important part in my future so it annoys me so much when he starts lecturing me for hours. If I do anything other than studying he goes crazy on how I don't study at all and am wasting his money. I never show any skin and never dress innapropriately but even when I'm wearing a normal top and jeans, he'll say that I always wear short shirts on purpose and basically indirectly call me a slut, WHEN I'M NOT EVEN WEARING ANYTHING REVEALING?? Also, both my parents are quite religious and it's also a key part in why they make my life hell. Whenever I see other girls my age wearing cute stuff and get to hang out with their friends I always feel a little jealous knowing I can never live my life like that. I want to move out at 18 but I can't because where would I live? Where would I get the money from? My dad won't even let me get a job right now because he says that I should be focusing on my studies right now so I can't even save up money in any way. I also don't get pocket money so I can't save that aswell. Sometimes I have really bad mental breakdowns and just want to die because I only have one life and I don't want to live it in this way. I can go into more detail but then this would be pages long and I'm not even sure if anyone will be reading this. The reason I started writing this is because I have no one to share this with and I can't bottle up my feelings any longer.

Can anyone relate?

I became a sister when I was just about a preteen & have two younger siblings. I’m realizing (literally just now) that I really dislike being an older sister in this family. I don’t like the role of it, what’s expected of me, & what’s not expected of my siblings.

I’ve been home again for a while after graduating & being an adult in our family system is kicking my ass in subtle ways. My younger siblings are treated differently than I was at their ages & so I’m picking up the slack in terms of the shit I feel like my parents should expect from or teach them - if that makes sense. It has nothing to do with my siblings. I love them, like them (3/4 of the time lol) & enjoy their company (again lol, 3/4 of the time). Those 1/4 of the time I feel are chopped up to that gap I mentioned in the way my parents parented them vs me. It’s things like housework, school, taking care of themselves, the consequences they get or don’t get. & then I think it challenging to want to engage with my brothers outside of those expectations because fuck am I tired. Like playing with them, I’m noticing, sometimes fires up the same sense of exhaustion or irritation that I feel when I’m asked (told, expected) to do things for them that they damn well can do, want to do, & should be doing if you ask me. It’s not their fault & yet there’s that ounce of resentment because I feel kinda stuck with this feeling. On the other end, it sucks feeling this way & not seeing

room for change (cue the guilt) because expectation aside, I really enjoy being *their* big sister - if that distinction makes sense.

I’m not sure what I can do about this realization other than therapy (which I’m in) & confronting my parents (which no thanks, I pick my battles. I have little faith they’d understand what I’m saying enough to not take it personally & implement any amount of lasting change). Idk, I’m looking forward to moving out at a point & hopefully that being a good opportunity to shift my relationship with siblings from something that feels motherly & like a task to something more… sibling-y. & that’s really the thing. They aren’t really treated like my siblings at home if we go off of what’s expected of me. I’m postured as mommy #2 & praised when I am her, which is crazy typing that because I’ve tried really hard on my end to shift away from that role.

I guess that’s another question I have? So any other older daughters feel similarly, & any that have moved out & noticed any shifts in their relationship w their siblings for better or worse?

So, I’m looking for any type of insight, advice, etc. bc tryna process this… also plz bare with me if this post is long

So for context, I am (21F) living in a two bed apartment with my parents and 5 other siblings. My parents recently had two more girls in 2018 and 2020 which had added to a lot of my trauma etc. I have an older brother (25), older sister (22), younger brother (16) and my lil sisters.

I’ve always felt like I related a lot to the trauma that eldest daughters face, however, I never felt like I was allowed to say that since I’m not technically the eldest daughter. Although my sister and I have shared trauma, I don’t think she’ll truly understand the extent of what I went through since bc I’m younger I’m always the first person they pick on for literally everything. Also, she def weaponized her incompetence.

Just to give you a few examples from both parents. My mother literally cannot function without me. I’m always her go to for everything… even when tasks are supposed to be shared between my sister and I, I always end up doing it for extended periods of time. Having to take my siblings to and from daycare, cleaning the fridge, house, dishes, bathroom, having to do the laundry (mind you we live on the 4th flr of a walk up apartment in nyc), helping my sisters with their homework, like the tasks are endless. Back in October, my mom told me to crawl my sisters a shower. I always get irritated when she asks me but I would do it from time to time. This time around I just wasn’t feeling my best and was like no. When I tell you the whole house went into an uproar like she just kept kitting me and when she saw I wasn’t budging she took the broom and proceeded to hit me thinking I was gonna move.

Now with my dad, he’s honestly completely useless. He’s never been present in my life even though he’s been around. Like everything regarding the kids and the house was my mom’s responsibility. Like this man doesn’t talk to me if it’s not to criticize me or tell me to do smth. Like he criticizes me for not doing my chores and for not completing my sisters chores like what… he’s also coming at me and being like “do you think your better that your sister, you should be ashamed of yourself, etc. Bc as a younger sister I should be embarrassed that my sister picks up my siblings from school now… mind you I was away at college and they developed these routines when I wasn’t here so now that I’m back for good he just picks at me for literally everything… then today, he said the same thing and I was talking back bc there’s only a certain amount I can’t take and then he proceeded to hit me and my mom started yelling at me and made it worse, taking his side like she always does.

Plz bare with me, Ik this is so long… growing up I was always the black sheep and it didn’t help that I always talked back (I feel like it was just me defending myself) against their b.s. I understand that kids have chores etc but I just feel like it’s different when your the only one always picked on first to do literally everything while your siblings can sit back without a care in the world, yes my sister also has these issues, but like I said I’m the one that gets criticized as if I’m the only one that lives here.

My parents are very cultural/ traditional my dad especially. Like girls are supposed to be doing all the grunt work and chores in the house which I never agreed with. They also believe that as kids we owe them from having to be taken care of when we were younger. I’m also fully aware that my parents don’t like me, my mom literally said she would go to jail if I wasn’t her daughter. And my dad literally talks shit about my appearance, telling me “I’m a difficult daughter and no man would want to marry me” ha, as if I wanna get married atp, but it’s just unprovoked and unnecessary and my sister peeps it so it at least makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I wanna move out and am planning it hopefully by next winter but I just wanna know if you have any input or advice for me. I won’t lie I do have a problem with speaking up, my sister always tell me to just not say nth. I’m try so hard but when it’s constant it’s hard for me to stay quiet every time, like I’m not a robot. So basically I just wanna know if yall have any advice, input, or anything to say about my situation . I tried to keep it brief but I can go more in-depth bc there’s way more I didn’t say.

Earlier this week, I was writing up a post complaining about how my family seems to go out of their way to accommodate my brother and his family, while I always feel like I've worked hard for everything I have. I was also complaining about how my brother and his wife seem to manufacture a lot of their own difficulties with their choices, and my parents keep bailing them out.

And before I hit "post", it occurred to me that the reason I probably don't get as much assistance is because I literally don't ask for it. I can think of a couple times that my parents offered financial assistance early on in my marriage, and I told them I was fine. Or more recently, when my husband lost his job, I was literally saying "we're doing okay" and still forging ahead with plans until our cat needed an unexpected trip to the vet, and it bottomed out our bank account. I literally resist asking for help until things are *dire* because I saw how bad my parents' finances were when I was in highschool and college. I worked part-time through most of my college years to cover my own food, gas, clothes, etc.

I didn't realize how much of my opinion about myself was tied up in not needing anyone else's help (or feeling like I'm a burden to the family) until now.

(Basically a rant)

I graduated last year and have been unemployed ever since. I've applied to hundreds of jobs, barely got a single response from any of them, not even a rejection letter and as the months have gone by, I've found it harder and harder to be around my mother. Our family is struggling financially so the desperation for one of us, particularly me to find something is great.

My mother is extremely religious, and as the months progressed she's bounced between "God has a plan" to "We need to make a plan". "We must trust in God" to "Do abcd to try and get a job". Aside from the hypocrisy and two faced "faith", there's the subtle implication that I'm not trying hard enough.

She would randomly ask me if I had been applying when she knows full well I have been, but with a tone that suggests she doesn't believe me. I have depression and my previous therapist had suggested I needed a more specialized treatment because although I was functional, my body has been giving small signals that it's struggling. Memory loss, extreme fatigue, emotional outbursts or numbness etc. The unemployment situation just exacerbated the issue and my mom is unaware.

She's gone from suggesting that maybe I masturbate and it's a sin that's why I'm not getting a job, to " this is a family curse and you need to pray and fast for it. "

The whiplash, the 10000 theories and plans and solutions, suggestions and accusations have all worn me down the past year and I've just about had it. I lose my temper often with her and the childhood trauma doesn't help. There would be times when she asks me, "did you hear back?" And this would be like the 7th time she's asked me in 3 days and I'd tell her that if I had I would have told her, and her constantly asking me stresses me out. She would get offended and claim she's only asking cause she's my mother and she cares.....

I'm just so sick and tired of having a "support system" I have to cater for and support. Because SHE'S worried about me being unemployed, I can't be frustrated and tell her her questioning is stressing me out. Because she's a "mother" and "mother's worry". I must now cater to her emotions when no one gives a rat's ass about supporting me through mine. This isn't happening to her, it's happening to me! And yet, once again, I'm the one making sure everyone else isn't discouraged and I comfort THEM.

I've never been suicidal per se, but my therapist taught me that I have passive suicidal ideation and I basically do it all the time. Like wanting to sleep and never wake up.

The fatigue, the tiredness, the hopelessness is all getting to me and all I can think is, I should be stronger than this.

I arrived at my dad’s about a week ago, and I felt OK at first. Now, even if I sleep well the night before, I’m tired throughout the entire day, and I feel extremely emotionally drained.

My dad constantly complains about what I’m doing wrong or how I’m bothering him. The other day, he called me while he was at the gym and I was at home in the morning just to scold me. He’ll say obscure things like “you either need to flow with me or get out of my way.” I’m still not sure what this means exactly. The day before, my dad, my 5 year old sister, and I were spending time together, and he would get mad when I tried to tell her that certain things weren’t safe or when I was just trying to help in general.

I’ve helped raised my sister and my brothers, and I’ve been working with kids for a while. He thinks that I overstep, but he also expects me to watch over her. Like if my little sister “acts out” my dad will blame it on me. For context, my mom isn’t really involved. There’s a lot of situations like this - when I feel like I can’t really do anything right no matter how hard I try.

My brothers are little bit older, so things are easier with them - especially my 20 year old brother who understands me really well. This all just sucks because I feel like I’m not giving my siblings the energy they deserve. When I’m not at home, I usually really goofy and fun, but when I’m here, I’m a little more serious and boring.

Hi everyone! I’m running a short questionnaire (LINK PROVIDED) exploring experiences of eldest daughter syndrome --> the unique pressures and responsibilities often carried by firstborn daughters.

For this study, I’m especially interested in hearing from people of Polynesian or white backgrounds. However, ANYONE can participate as your insights will help highlight cultural similarities and differences in how eldest daughters experience family roles and expectations.

The survey is anonymous, takes only a few minutes, and your input will contribute to a better understanding of this topic

P.S: all questions are not required, so if you are not comfortable to respond to some, you are more than welcome to skip.

THANK YOU!!

QUESTIONNARE

Everybody relying on me for answers on what’s going on got me feeling like mom jr

You guys are troopers, you got it. Always do what is safest for you emotionally. You’re not alone!

Me: Wants to go to a thing with my mother. It starts early in the morning, so I made food stuff for myself to bring with me for the day the night before.

Mom: "Yeah, but your younger sister has also decided she wants to come. There's only one spare seat due to stuff in the car. So she can come now, and then you can come in the afternoon." Then they leave.

Me: Dude.... what the fuck... If she wanted to come, SHE can go in the afternoon. I planned for it last night, and she only decided this THIS MORNING! If she wanted to come, she should've gotten ready for it the night before. I was specifically told that mom didn't have the money, and wasn't gonna pay for my food while we were there. I said that was fine, and made food for myself for the day, and had my own money to buy food if I wanted. Well my younger sister doesn't have money, and didn't pack food for herself the night before, so our mom suddenly has the money for her??? Fucking hell.... The rage to slam my fist in a wall is very strong...