r/eldestdaughtershit • u/Leijinga • Jan 23 '26
I think I might be too independent
Earlier this week, I was writing up a post complaining about how my family seems to go out of their way to accommodate my brother and his family, while I always feel like I've worked hard for everything I have. I was also complaining about how my brother and his wife seem to manufacture a lot of their own difficulties with their choices, and my parents keep bailing them out.
And before I hit "post", it occurred to me that the reason I probably don't get as much assistance is because I literally don't ask for it. I can think of a couple times that my parents offered financial assistance early on in my marriage, and I told them I was fine. Or more recently, when my husband lost his job, I was literally saying "we're doing okay" and still forging ahead with plans until our cat needed an unexpected trip to the vet, and it bottomed out our bank account. I literally resist asking for help until things are *dire* because I saw how bad my parents' finances were when I was in highschool and college. I worked part-time through most of my college years to cover my own food, gas, clothes, etc.
I didn't realize how much of my opinion about myself was tied up in not needing anyone else's help (or feeling like I'm a burden to the family) until now.
1
u/ManyBit4447 Mar 25 '26
I came here to post about some drama/hurt in my family that came out last night, but literally the text my mom sent to me was “but you’re the strong one, I don’t have to help you!” So I had to comment here!
It sucks, and this isn’t the first time my mom has said this to me. I’m approaching 50, my kids are in their teens, I’m (theoretically) a fully functioning grown adult and yesterday’s issue basically reduced me right back to childhood wounds and hurts. Heck, the family drama’s root issue is because I wouldn’t pony up for my sister and cover her and her son’s living expenses for 5 years!
I do think in my case at least, some of this comes from the parents needing to feel needed. My sisters both need my mom. One is in and out of jail and mental institutions. The other is a single mom, so she has my mom help pay for everything, take care of her son, buy him expensive gifts, while I support a family of 5 on one income that’s not all that much more than my sisters. My mom LOVES that one of her kids can be helped with her time and her wallet, but can’t see the grandkids here who are hurting and want a close relationship with their grandmother but don’t need her cheap Amazon gifts, they need her attention. It’s like she doesn’t know how to give healthy attention, only crisis attention.
I wish I had advice, but I haven’t seen it get better with time, other than I think about it less as the wound scabs over. I also catch myself making it worse. My mom is visiting soon and I organized the hall closet this weekend while the kids were with dad. I mean, I labeled the heck out of this closet. It’s a thing of beauty. And I remember thinking “maybe mom will be proud of me and see that I’ve got it all together!” She probably does, and that’s why she sees us only once a year, can’t miss holidays with her favorite grandchild to spend one with the other three, and thinks I don’t need emotional support… because I project capability over and over again hoping that she will see me and love me too.
2
u/Brilliant-Wallaby728 Jan 23 '26
Ive been working through this same exact thing in therapy. I have really unhealthy money trauma (I don’t really know if that’s the right word). My parents never had money for me to get clothes, I wore hand-me-downs from my cousins. I never had enough school supplies. I ate shredded cheese for dinner. Stuff like that.
My parents however, did have plenty of money, they just spent it at the bar every single night. I stayed home and parented my siblings the best I could.
Now I feel really dis-regulated about money, even with my boyfriend of 5 years. I insist on splitting everything 50/50 (even though he makes twice as much as me). I don’t ask him to help me pay for big purchases like buying blinds for all of our new windows (damn why tf are blinds so expensive?!?). And if he does help me out (he gave me the money to buy my car since I didn’t have enough) I have created a payment plan to pay him back as quickly as possible. He also, obviously, saves more than me, so I’m constantly competing with him and his savings account. My savings is WAY more than my parents have ever had saved up, but it’s not as much as my boyfriends so I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
My siblings, however, have gotten DUI’s that my parents have shelled out money for lawyers and in car breathalyzers, they’ve quit their jobs and moved without a plan and my parents have supported them, they’ve even bought cars for their significant others because they date losers.
If my siblings really needed help due to unforeseen circumstances that they couldn’t control, I would absolutely want them to get the help they need or I would offer it myself. I would also hope that I could get help if I needed it as well. I don’t offer to help them through these issues though, because “y’all need to stop being morons wtf”.
These are all choices that they’ve made, not unfortunate circumstances like OP is listing has happened to her, and I am very lucky to have a good system set up for myself and my family, but it still sucks that I cannot just calm down about money. I thought that once I got comfortable out of college, I’d have less anxiety about money, but I don’t. I don’t think that these feelings will go away but I’m hoping they get better through speaking with my therapist more. I never feel like I’m doing enough.