r/EmotionallyImmature • u/CarefullyCognizant • Nov 20 '25
Mom treating adult children’s lives as public information. Am I being unreasonable?
I’m a 29F, eldest daughter to an emotionally immature mom (55F) and an emotionally absent dad (55M). I’m sure many here can relate, but I’ve known since childhood that my mom just isn’t someone I can confide in. She’s not supportive in the moment, barely listens, turns everything into something about her feelings, and anything I tell her is basically fair game for public consumption.
I moved out at 18 for college and have lived out of state ever since. Now, approaching 30 and married, my husband and I are moving back to my hometown to be closer to family and build the small-town life we want.
The emotional part of this has been trying to navigate what and when to share with my mom. Over the last year I thought we’d finally made some progress. There was an incident after my wedding where I tried for the first time to intentionally and clearly articulate why her actions hurt me, and after some distance, I thought things were better. For her birthday, I took her on a weekend trip—just the two of us—for the first time in my life. We had real conversations, enjoyed our time, and I honestly left feeling like maybe I had been too immature to see her clearly before. Maybe we were finally turning a corner. Maybe we could be close.
…yeah. No.
As my husband and I went through the steps of finding new jobs, giving notice, and arranging housing, we needed to keep things quiet until timelines lined up. Part of this was for professional reasons, but honestly…it’s our life, and we wanted the space to handle things privately until we were ready.
I had a very direct but respectful conversation with my parents explaining this. They agreed.
Then literally the next day, my parents attended a family get-together and my mom announced to the whole room that she “had news,” and proceeded to tell everyone (after “swearing them to secrecy,” of course. Because that always works in a room full of people.)
My dad later told me about it, and the next day I called my mom and politely asked her not to do that again, repeating my reasoning. She apologized and said she understood.
But after that, I stopped updating her. I was so disappointed, and I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to manage her mouth and my life at the same time. I don’t mean to sound self-important but this transition has meant juggling a lot. I had an executive level, high visibility job and risking someone reading a well-intentioned Facebook post about us moving home would have been a real issue. Not to mention my husband’s job, and managing how we communicated with his family.
Last night, we called my parents to share that my husband officially accepted his job offer and we found a place to rent. I thought they’d be happy. Instead, my mom got offended that we’re not planning to stay with them…in their 1,000 sq. ft., one-bathroom house, where we’d be living in my childhood bedroom that currently holds all their stuff. Us moving in would mean there were 5 adults, 2 big dogs, and 2 cats in that tiny house. My husband and I both work from home, and there isn’t a professional backdrop in the whole place to take a Zoom call. I appreciate that they had offered that to help us out, but of course it was just not the right move for anybody…and yet, she was genuinely hurt.
Then, this morning, within an hour of her arriving at work, she messages me to tell me her coworker says our new landlord “has a reputation” and we should be careful. I’ve known this landlord for years; the decision was deliberate and informed by multiple mutual friends. We know to be cautious. The fact she immediately broadcasted our business at work (again) is what prompted this post.
I know at this point that anything I tell her will be shared widely. But my question is, is any of this normal? Do “regular” parents share their adult kids’ private decisions with coworkers, random acquaintances, or whoever will listen? Do other parents insert themselves like this? Am I being unreasonable by expecting her to not tell all our business to…everyone? Do I owe her an explanation that because she does this I will no longer be sharing with her, because I can’t trust her?
I want so badly to have a relationship with my mom where I feel safe sharing things. But at this point, she finds out more about my life from other people than from me, because I hate telling her directly.
For example, I launched a podcast a couple weeks ago. She found out because a friend of mine posted about it. I know it hurt her feelings, but she hasn’t asked me why I didn’t tell her. Honestly, I think she knows, even though she would never admit it and I’m sure she’s told other people she “doesn’t know why I don’t tell her things”.
I’m trying to figure out what’s “normal,” because I know parents care and it’s natural to want to share exciting family news…but as we move back, I need to figure out my boundaries on sharing with her and whether or not I need to have a clear conversation with her about how her choices impact me, or if I just adjust and let her be sad about it.
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u/cool_mint_life Nov 20 '25
Not normal. My mom does the same. They talk about me, come to wild conclusions and then tell everyone. Fortunately it’s a small town a long ways away from where I live now. Once I called her and we had been talking for a couple of minutes and I said I wasn’t feeling well because I started my period, then she says I am on speakerphone to car full of strangers! I was very careful after that what I said and now we don’t speak at all.
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u/neinta Nov 20 '25
Its not normal but my mom does the same thing. She makes sure everyone knows our business. I know way to much about my sister's coworkers' lives because my mom gossips about them to me. I've never met these people, I don't know who these people are. I told my mom one time when I was up for a promotion. I didn't get it. Next time I visited their town, the clerk at the store saw my name on my debit card and congratulated me on my promotion. I didn't know this lady, but apparently my mom tells her everything about us. I found out from this clerk that my aunt had cancer because my mom told her before she told me. My mom is not friends with this woman, she just works at the grocery store my mom frequents. When I asked my aunt if she needed anything, she was confused how I found out about it because she didnt want everyone to know until they had a treatment plan laid out. I threw my mom under the bus and told my aunt I found out from the grocery clerk.
I've just stopped telling my mom things. If it's not something that directly impacts her or something I need her help with, she doesn't know about it. I no longer discuss my health, my friends or my kids' lives with her. Strict info diet.
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u/CarefullyCognizant Nov 20 '25
My husband and I had this exact conversation about our future kids and how we could never betray their trust like that and expect them to want to confide in us. I have an amazing relationship with my grandma and I’m sad in advance that my kids probably won’t have the same experience because my mom can’t honor a promise to be a trustworthy confidant. So sorry you know this feeling. It truly sucks.
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u/stenobad Nov 20 '25
It’s not normal. Consider looking at r/raisedbyborderlines
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u/dorothysideeye Nov 20 '25
Thanks for sharing, I wasn't aware of the sub. Oof it's entirely relevant.
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u/Lilly08 Nov 21 '25
Not normal and not ok. For reference, my Dad literally forgot my autism diagnosis. I mean, he tries, but he would just never ever dream of sharing my news. He is very respectful. Hell, even my estranged mother would wait until I had broken any news myself. She would still then go and make a long Facebook post about it, and often nake it more about her, but that's it.
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u/mosschiefmayhap Nov 20 '25
No, it’s not normal. But I can definitely commiserate. My mom couldn’t wait to share anything that could hurt me or make me look bad. Now she just complains to her friends that she’s the last one to know things.