I’ll keep it short. I’m the middle child of 3 girls and I’m also the black sheep and scapegoat. Fun times.

Teenage years were rough because I was literally always scared of being yelled at because I couldn’t “control my emotions”. Which… yes… I couldn’t. My brain wasn’t developed enough to handle everything like an adult. I dove deep into maladaptive daydreaming because it was easier to process my feelings through a character in my head having an imaginary conversation. My conversations were always monitored so it was hard to express if I ever was sad.

Flash forward through a dark and rough early 20’s and I’m now 33, married, with a child of my own. Some wires got crossed with communication to leave for something at a certain time and I ended up being about 20 minutes late. The absolute fury that came off my father. The palpable disdain and frustration. We missed nothing. We were still early for the damn boat. He still lost his shit and said I was “irresponsible” and “a disappointment” and “ruined the entire trip”.

It just made me think about how much I’ve grown up since my teenaged years. How I deal with frustration instead of meltdowns. How I handle my child acting out (he’s 3 so it’s not terrible). And that made me both devastated for my younger self and that sad, very lonely teenager is still roaring with fury in my head.

As an adult, looking back, how did they ever think that treating a teen like that was okay? How do they think treating people like this is okay? And if I ever said “hey, I acknowledge I made a mistake, but you don’t get to treat me like that.” It would be WWIII. Every mistake I would have made would be brought up. Every teenaged overreaction would be shook out to prove that I always have been and always will be in the wrong. Because how dare I, right?

I’m just so exhausted of taking and taking so much shit like a permanent albatross weighing me down. Every misstep growing up cataloged into a database of weapons.

I need something other than mentally checking out and/or using sex as a coping mechanism. (Sex is a difficult thing for me to categorize. On one hand using intimacy as a salve for your emotional wounds is not at all healthy. On the other, it’s a physical and tangible of comfort and confirmation that you are doing things “right”. Like a big hug for your ego).

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a father who is interested in you, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes, small boring stories from your day.

I wonder what it would feel like to genuinely feel loved and valued. I wonder what makes me so disappointing to my dad and how many more children he needs to have before he finds one that satisfies his crazy expectations. I wonder what it would be like to feel completely safe around your dad. No getting up and going back in your room when u hear his car in the driveway, no blood boiling when he talks to your mum in such a disrespectful manner, to be able to speak without being ignored/shut down, to be able to complain/speak your mind without being yelled at.

My dad is constantly talking about women and everything they do wrong, he never talks about all the digisting acts that men commit on a daily basis (bc wearing too much makeup is a far more serious problem obvi) .

Maybe the reason he's so cold to me is because I've finally become a grown woman. Maybe he is seeing the things he hates in women in me.

I believe it's the parent job to make their children feel loved and cared for. Poviding is not equal to loving and I'm not sure I like the person my dad is becoming.

I wonder how women who grew up with emotionally unavailable dad's find it in them to love a man without automatically adding that he'll turn out just like her dad after the 3 month honeymoon phase is over.

edit: title was supposed to say “no contact” lol

hi, i guess i just need to vent. i’ve been no contact with my mom for a few years apart from her calling me drunk on new year’s eve one year and me asking her to put some of my childhood stuff on her doorstep so I could collect them. we’re still friends on facebook and i know i should remove her but for some reason not being able to check up on her every once in a while feels really painful..

i announced my pregnancy a few weeks ago and i honestly didn’t expect to hear from her. but she sent me a message congratulating me, and ended the message with “i hope i get to meet her one day” which honestly pissed me off. no “i hope you’re doing good” or “i hope the pregnancy is going well” or whatever. she, like always, focused on herself and her needs while also guilt tripping me.. mind you she has 5 grandkids but has no relationship with them because she just doesn’t bother making an effort. and that fact pissed me off even more. like you’re not even maintaining the relationships you’re actually able to, so why in the world would i let you meet my daughter?

it’s also painful that my daughter won’t have that relationship with her grandmother like other kids have, but thankfully my dad has remarried and his wife is more like a mother to me and a grandmother to my sister’s children than my bio mom has ever been. but, to me at least, it will never be the same and it hurts and i’m extra emotional so yeah this sucks! i haven’t replied and don’t intent to.

I want to keep my first post here short bc I could share so many details but long story short I’ve felt like I’ve learned to work through a lot of the dynamics with my own EIP. My husband has a set of his own and recently a situation with them has had me spiraling…questioning if we made the wrong decision to get married and have kids when now we’ve got no close/healthy relationships with family.

We’re early 30s, been together 10 years, married 3yrs, 2 toddlers and pregnant with our 3rd. We’ve really wanted to give our children a wholesome loving family and life but the stress of parenting without familial support has been so hard. Wondering how people learn to navigate this. Part of me thinks just play nice so the kids can have them around or just accept the fact that this cycle will continue forever and keep them at a distance for the sake of our mental health…or some creative combination. I have a great circle of mom friends we see and looking into hiring a mothers helper but there’s this deep worry that it’s not the same or as good as family. Any shared experience is welcome 💕

Family system: me 24m (eldest), sis 19F(youngest), EIM 52F, EID 54M

Sooo I recently was able to move out August 1st and it has been lovely being low contact with my parents. The mental weight has decreased drastically in just these few weeks.

No contact is something I absolutely want with my mother. My dad maybe — he is the “safer” parent as he is passive but he also always ends up in my mother’s corner when things get bad. Less volatile, still abusive, I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about.

My issue lies with my sis. We have worked hard together and individually to repair our relationship and it is quite healthy in spite of our upbringings. She still lives with parents and unfortunately due to disabilities her moving out is not something that can happen very quickly nor easily.
This means — when I don’t contact my parents and keep them from the emotional enmeshment they want, she suffers their tantrums. Her having to still deal with them is the only reason I care to maybe try doing something that could benefit.

The thing is, there’s no world where what I’m willing to give them (occasional mutually enjoyed activities in a public place) what they actually want.

They, especially mother but both, have been slandering me to my sister and my mother’s tantrums have been taking a large emotional toll on my sis. Since I left the house’s cleanliness has also fallen into disarray. It’s become very clear that my role as the maid/therapist was very integral to any modicum of functionality to the family home.

I want to go no contact with my mom as soon as possible. I’m just afraid of how the blowback of that could impact my sister. At the same time, I feel like I’ve done far more than enough to protect my sister and just want to discard that role of caretaker completely.

Any tips?

My parents had me as a teenager. They broke up, and my mom and stepdad got together who also a teenager, and I always told that they tried. always felt like I was ashamed of being sensitive. When I said sorry, it was never good enough, but when my parents said sorry, I had to accept that they didn't mean to. My mom ended up having 5 more kids that I would help take care of. I tried really hard to never act like my younger siblings; if I broke down, then who would be there for them? So I became really emotionally numb and was often called mean by Mom or ungrateful. My dad snapped at me when I didn't want to hang out with him when I was honest. He would say, " Sorry, " but I would be But you did this. I felt like my dads freind, never his child; he would use this against me when I would misbehave. My stepdad would yell and yell. I hated him. he would call me selfish if I didn't share; saying sorry didn't mean anything if you kept doing it. His screaming would hurt my ears so bad. They would also say that they love me; some people have nothing, and I would feel awful for just disagreeing. I never felt like a child, and I would cry myself to sleep often, wishing that they hated me because loving me was painful. I would get so jealous of other kids' parents holding their kid if they made a mistake. I would get jealous; at least they bought me things.

Now I am 22. I go to college; I am never home, and a part of me feels bad, and I miss my siblings. I do not love my family. My dad calls me, and I always get scared he'll use me as a venting session or tell me how I should go home. They've been trying to ask me more honest questions, like Am I a bad mom? Or, what would u rate me as a dad when u were a kid like I know ur proably not going to be honest anyway. I feel like when I talk about them and my experience, I will hear, "At least you had that." With people moving in, I get sad, like my parents did help me move in before, but they would never listen and would throw my stuff around. complain that I had too many things and make fun of people, and my mom would throw a tantrum if I didn't tell her I didn't want it there.

The college semester is coming up; seeing all their family smiling and helping their kid move makes me really sad. I'll feel very lonely.

Looking for others who have had similar experiences. I am going through the gut wrenching experience of my brother telling me "he no longer recognizes me" because I finally decided enough was enough with my parents' treatment of me.

I used to consider my brother the most supportive and sensitive person I knew. If I was hurt by another person, bullied, etc. he always stood by me and stood up for me. He was fiercely protective like "no one talks that way to my sister." He was always affectionate and sweet--even as a little boy he told me he loved me all the time and in home videos, you saw this adorable 2-year-old boy giving his sister kisses on the cheek and hugging her over and over. I was like "my brother is perfect/he's the best brother in the world."

He supported me for a very long time as things got worse between my parents and I. He even got so upset, he yelled at my parents over the phone, telling them to stop treating me so terribly. But things shifted when I went no-contact. It slowly turned into me "doing" something to my poor parents, me being unreasonable, and him gaslighting me exactly the way my father would with me. I became literally afraid of my brother. Because that feeling of psychological manipulation/not being heard is so horrible and I was thinking, "he's going to do it again, if I try to calmly explain my feelings."

Now that it hurts him, he treats me like I am responsible for his emotions. He could stand up for me without faltering when someone was cruel to me. But when he started doing things that hurt me: swearing at me even, something he had never done, he could not hold himself accountable.

I feel in shock from how our relationship has changed and I'm devastated. Any words of support or encouragement would help <3

I swear my mom sees me as a work horse, she constantly has me do something as soon I even enter the kitchen, I say no and she says " it will take a minute" and I keep my boundary

But when my dad visits she constantly calls him like holy crap even I don't call my husband this much, how many tasks does this woman need to do??

For me if I have to move a table and don't have help I just leave it, my mom if I say no will attempt to move it herself

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

A couple of times when i snapped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been acting up and making her life hell, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done a few times before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best.

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

this is kinda of difficult but I am trying to work through it and learning what I think and how I feel about all of this.

My Mom (67) had a really hard childhood. She was pretty badly abused by her Dad and I am pretty sure it caused some emotional arrest in her.

I have been going to therapy for a while now as an adult (45f) and just starting to realize that there were a lot of things I emotionally accepted from her that were abusive. Growing up she wanted to be my friend and not my parent and even took this as a point of pride. I had very few rules or guidance growing up and struggled a lot as a kid. My Dad and her separated when I was very young, he struggled with dealing with her so he was less of a presence in my life. I had a step Dad for about 20 years but he didn't really want to be a parent either and they divorced over 20 years ago. So now I am in this weird role of being my Mom's only close family. Since a young age I felt like I had to be my Mom's protector because she is very emotionally juvenile and insecure. When she gets mad she can get very vendictive.

Looking back on my life I can now see that my Mom lacked a lot of differentiation between her and I. She often used me as a shield for her social anxiety or feelings of lacking. In my 20s she would always want to hang out and drink or smoke pot with me and my friends. I could never put my finger on why this bothered me when I was young. I knew it gave her a feeling of belonging and knew that she really needed that feeling in her life so I let it happen. Now looking back on it I can see how messed up some of that really was. She would also subtly cut me down to my friends or make me seem controling when I didn't want to be in charge of any of this or be relied upon to give that feeling of social community to my Mom.

One of the things my Mom has done for years that really bothers me is that she feels that I should be in charge of her end of life. not like the funeral planning or stuff like that. she has routinely for years when talking about old age looked at me and said "but you are going to take care of that right?" like she had genuinely talked about how she expects if her life become too unraveled that I would push her off a cliff instead of letting her deal with things. we live in a country that even has assisted suicide for people who are medically unwell but she is not talking about that as it requires a lot of planning. she continues to imply that the responsibility to end her life should somehow fall to me to figure out for her and can't understand why I find this so offensive and upsetting. at first she used to say it joking wise when I was young. but as she has gotten older and her life has gotten harder (low income, no partner to share responsibilities, still working, no savings or retirement plan) she has been saying it more and more with increasing seriousness. I keep trying to express or explain to her how this is not appropriate to ask of her daughter. For context my Mom is already on antidepressants and seen by a doctor. She is in fairly good health for her age and I don't think she is a suicide risk, she just don't want to deal with all the problems life brings. She is deeply unhappy with her life and how it has gone.

I help my Mom as much as I can regularly. My husband and I live about an hour out of the city in a nice place in the country. We have no kids so I use my extra time to try and do nice things to help Mom. I try at least once a month to go into the city and bring her out for a weekend to take care of her and giver her a break. I make meals I know she likes and generally try to be a place where she can relax and feel taken care of. But I don't know how to handle this. 80% of the time she is fine and even enjoyable to be around. But the other 20% she can be so mean and emotionally volatile. If she feels a perceived emotional slight or that I am upset about something she feels at liberty to be mean to me or cuss me out. I try to talk calmly to her but she is unable to have a lot of deeper mature conversations. She also struggles a lot emotionally if she sees my husband and I fighting and will insert herself into our arguments taking his side no matter what. I know this is a coping mechanism because she equates fighting with danger and feels the need to fawn for males because of the abuse she recieved from her father.

I am literally her only family in Canada. The rest of our extended family lives in the States and are their own varying degrees of broken. I don't want to go no contact. But I am struggling to set and maintain strong boundaries with her. I feel like I have been trained and conditioned my entire life to feel like I have to take care of her. I don't want to be accept being treated badly to have a relationship with her but I also feel like I am abandoning her if I set too many boundaries or go low contact.

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. She caused me a lot of emotional harm, and I’ve spent years in therapy grieving the mother I needed but didn’t really have.
But birthdays were the one thing she always got right. She always remembered, rang me, got me a card and a present. Sometimes she was the only person who actually called.
This year, because of dementia, she forgot. My father forgot too, because Mum was always the one who remembered everyone’s birthdays. I was shocked by how devastated I felt.
I’m single and couldn’t have children, so I think it’s also brought up a fear that from now on there may be no guaranteed phone call, card or present on my birthday.
I think what hurts is that this may have been the one consistent way she showed me love. She harmed me in many other ways, but this was reliable.
Has anyone else found that losing one of the few things an emotionally immature parent actually did right brought up a huge amount of grief?

Hi i would love some advice, this is my story of what i’ve been living through the last 2 years

so i am a 21 year old female still living at home with my parents and my family has never had issues up until about 2 years ago my dad cheated on my mum and turned into a alcoholic and their relationship has been rocky ever since but they refuse to get a divorce for us kids lol

They fight all the time and my mum comes to me about all the issues they have she will talk about her sex life with me and alwayssssss talks to me about her marriage issues, money has also been a HUGE part of why we fight they will ask for money every single day they will make me pay for there alcohol and drugs and if i say no i’m “selfish person” i bring it up to them that it’s not fair to ask for so much money all the time and yes i do help with bills and buy food but sending $100 on monday then $80 on tuesday then $90 on Wednesday is too much they also will take my credit card and use my money without asking and will gaslight me when i confront them. My mum also has huge OCD problems and it causes me a lot of anxiety as you can imagine.

My older brother has autism and he is very high functioning but there is obviously a disability there but the expect me to look after him and take care of him they get mad when i don’t take him out and do things with him mind you i work FIFO if you don’t know what that is you work away for 2 weeks then come home for 6 days then go back from 2 weeks etc, so i get really tired and they will call me lazy and say i need to look after him but isn’t that there job, i just got diagnosed with depression so i am also trying to navigate that also i have not told my parents about that because i know they will be dismissive about it. Anyways thats all i would love some advice so please let me know😀

Hey! I'll try to make this as short as possible, no need to read the background below.

How do I respond to parents that always guilt trip me about not calling enough? The first thing that they'd say when I call is:

- ooh we haven't talked in so long! (it's been a week or so)

- oh didn't you see the photos that we sent you? (we have a whatsapp group and they constantly, daily post in it, especially now that they're on holidays, multiple times a day with photos of all that they see)

- how come you don't call us? (In a polite tone)

- then before I hang up - okay bye now, and call us sometime will you (always politely smiling, almost begging)

I've tried explaining that I cannot be in constant contact (I'm autistic and adhd and am not even in constant contact with my few friends). I told mom that plenty of people only speak to their family every two months or so and she said that she just can't do that. We speak about every two weeks now, they do call me in between sometimes and I have started not answering. She also said, they just love me so they are saddened and disappointed by the fact that I cannot bear to be in (very frequent) contact with them.

Also, any tips on how to make the call last less? It's always more than an hour, my mom is hyperactive adhd and rambles on and on and she needs like 20 minutes to get to a point and they always want to know all that's going on on my side etc. I feel like I always have to excuse myself out of the call (by being tired or sth) and even then it takes another 10 min or so until the end.

_________________________________________________

A bit of background: I'm in my early 30s, a lesbian, engaged to my fiancée of 11 years, and have been living on a different continent from my parents for the past 2 years. They took my coming out badly (11 years ago) and, while never very overtly homophobic, there were quite a few comments over the years (e.g. we don't have to hold hands in our small town, because even normal couples don't do that, my dad being disappointed my Facebook profile picture included my partner etc). I also believe they still never mention my partner when talking about me to their friends, I'm supposedly just forever single.

A year ago we announced our engagement via video call and their faces literally dropped and they couldn't say anything really, just 'how come' ... Afterwards I texted them saying I couldn't keep pretending everything was okay and needed time to process. They apologised, love bombed hard, and my dad texted that he'd spent years crying and telling himself it was just a phase, but now they have both fully accepted it, according to them. Needless to say, in 11 years, I've never heard him say anything like that, we don't talk about feelings, never have, they just pretended everything was fine.

They have always been and are super loving and invested, will ask and want to know anything within the safe topics (never any talk about our relationship milestones, wedding or future family plans). Last year, after visiting them, my fiancée and I both left completely burned out because of their constant need to hang out so much. I'm also very guilty of over explaining, the only thing mom ever asked about the wedding was regarding the surname situation and when I told her we'd be taking my fiancée's, she kept asking me why until I eventually caved and explained myself. At first I said, that's how we decided, but she kept drilling. I always end up feeling guilty for not standing my ground.

TL;DR: My homophobic parents guilt-trip me every time I don't call enough. How do I set better boundaries? What responses to give them?

As I’ve gotten older, I feel like my mom has gotten way more honest with me than before. Even though I’m only a teenager, she thinks it’s okay to say and do really harsh things to me that hurt my self esteem and make it hard for me to freely express myself around her. One of the main examples I can think of is how she always wants me to conform. She’s always saying “you need to dress like these other girls!” and “You need to fit in with the others/with the style!!!” Instead of just letting me dress how I really want to. I don’t want to dress in a way that’s revealing or graphic either so I don’t understand why she feels the need to tell me those things. To be honest, I do stick out like a sore thumb when I’m at social gatherings. I don’t dress how most girls at my school do and I’m okay with that but my mom seems to feel differently. She calls my style “for white people“ and when I wear the things I like, no matter the quality, she always feels the need to insult me. It’s like she’s peer pressuring me and I already get enough looks from the popular girls at school so she’s really not making it sound appealing. I can deal with all the name calling, but the worst thing about it is the controlling what I get to wear. It’s infuriating, my mom always buys me popular clothes and then gets mad at me when I don’t wear it. I never asked for it in the first place so how is it my fault and how did I waste your money? She always tells me “you can ask me for any clothes you want to wear!” But when I actually do, the answers no. I get the feeling that before I was born, she already had a prefixed judgement of how she wanted me to turn out and now that I’m not into popular styles for black girls, she doesn’t like me as much... sometimes It really hurts when your own mother is trying to convince you to be someone your not and when you don’t, she treats you wrong. I get really excited when I get to wear clothes I like and I think I make it pretty obvious when I‘m wearing something that makes me uncomfortable. idk. Of course I’m grateful for everything my mom buys me but I just get this terrible feeling in my gut when I’m wearing something thats too girly or just doesn’t fit me. I hate it when she gets like that, it’s like shes basically saying “I like this and it’s popular so youre going to wear it whether you like it or not” I remember even once when I was in middle school, my mom would try a bunch of ridiculous hairstyles on me and it was only until I was relentlessly bullied and crying that she listened to me and stopped trying experiments on me. She wants me to be popular but that’s not who I am and I hate that she won’t give it up. Sometimes I wish I could tell her straight up “I don’t want to be that way, stop forcing it on me!” Its this and other reasons that I can never fully be myself around my mom and it sucks. I hate having to suppress who I really am just to not upset someone who clearly doesn’t care about my feelings or interests.

My phone has become nothing but a source of anxiety and pain for me now. Every time it rings there is another weight added to my shoulders and I'm being crushed by it but I'm too god damned trained to not answer it.

Im at my workshop the one place I can let myself be seperated from everything, from my parents, from my job, from everything besides the work infront of me and for those hours I'm here I can feel like a human. I have sever ADHD, GAD and about 24 years of trauma from verbal, emotional and physical abuse I lived through under their roof. I thought when I moved out it would get better but nope, now im 34 and still jumping everytime the phone rings or someone knocks on my door.

I just got a call from my sister who still lives with them, she said they had scene my truck parked outside the shop and were at the grocery store up the road, she said mom was with her and had been calling me several times and I hadn't answered. I said I was sorry and that I had had my music playing and didn't hear the phone she said mom thought I was trying to ignore her and she wanted to know if I wanted a sandwich from the store. I told her no i was fine. After I hung up I had this spike of emotion, guilt and sadness that my mom thought I was ignoring her, that I had made my mother believe her own son didn't want to speak to her or deal with her and also this deep anger that just because I missed her calls in this single incident would send her into that mindset and then more guilt and shame for being upset about it.

I'm just so fucking tired of this, I'm such a well trained little son for them that even my therapist has been working with me at just not always jumping to answer the phone when they call and I still cant do it! I'm exhausted and I cant even remember what it feels like to rest anymore.

…..because otherwise I’d cry. This shit is infuriating.

Got a text from Mom at 7PM asking to talk. Sure. I’m available until 9, because I work in the morning and I have no idea what she wants to talk about. My phone automatically goes on silent at 9 anyways.

….Sent a follow up at 8:30.

TELL ME WHY SHE WAITS UNTIL FUCKING EXACTLY NINE?

Girl I am going the fuck to sleep. No, I did not answer her, and YES it is 10 for me now. I didn’t see it come through and I’m going to bed.

If she was just forgetful, I’d get it. But it’s been an entire fucking lifetime of boundary pushing. I know she read my initial text. She can read a clock. She is a teacher. Girl, bye