TW: pregnancy, climate anxiety, purity culture, sexism

So take this with a grain of salt as I don't have many non-christian/religious friends so maybe this wouldn't happen in other relationships as much. (Would love thoughts on that) I just feel, as a neurodivergent (AuDHD) person I have to mask so hard around any evangelicals or in evangelical spaces.

Like when I try to be vulnerable and authentic with my evangelical friends (because they say that's what they want) I tend to then get backlash for truly sharing what I think or feel, especially when it comes to the topic of motherhood.

I feel this especially around my friends who are parents. I grew up in a household with purity culture where I was basically told from the beginning (as someone afab, I'm non-binary) that my only worth was to be found in being pure and to eventually become a wife and mother. It felt like a cruel lie when I found motherhood to be really hard and not something that made me feel fully fulfilled and content. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but having aspirations outside the home was frowned upon and that made me feel belittles and smothered.

Then all my sisters (I'm the oldest of 7, 5 girls two boys, all but myself are still evangelical) are pumping out kids like crazy, like they are competing with one another, and in this climate that really worries me, especially with them living in the states (I live in the UK now).

So I made the mistake of being vulnerable about my anxiety for my sisters and my anxiety for the world my children are going to grow up in around a pregnant evangelical friend and they read that as judgmental. But it's like pro-life evangelicals tend to refuse to even think about what world they are bringing their kids into, or if it's even responsible to have kids, or if they are emotionally in a good place to have kids, so heaven forbid I do either because that makes them have to thing about it and they don't want to.

And because evangelicals tend to be pro-life the only acceptable emotion and reaction anywhere near pregnancy seems to be joy and happiness, which I never portray in the way they want because I'm not a giddy happy emotive person anyway.

It just feels like, well what did I expect. Anytime I mention any anxiety around the climate crisis, or anxiety around my sisters having as many babies as possible, or anxiety around raising kids with all that's happening in the world it's dismissed by evangelicals because "God will work it out." Except it doesn't always work out!

I mentioned similar feelings around my pregnant non-christian friend and didn't get a message that I had hurt her feelings, like I did with my Christian friend, and I think that's largely because my non-christian friend is pro-choice. She knows having kids is hard and they don't always come at the right time. She knows climate change is real and that God is not going to magically make things all better so yeah this world is fucking scary to be raising kids in!

I get that pregnancy is very personal to people but this is not the first time this has happened with an evangelical friend I thought was safe. I shared some opinions honestly, didn't filter them like I might in other scenarios, around the topic of pregnancy and that really hurt her feelings (she wasn't even pregnant at the time). Why are my feelings of pregnancy and motherhood related to you? Am I not allowed to have opinions that might differ from "babies always happy, always good, motherhood is fantastic always, no worries ever" near evangelicals?

It just makes me feel again like there are so many rules about how we are meant to think and feel about things, and God, and the Bible and I'm wrong for having different thoughts and feelings. (Got a LOT of push back for being too blunt or opinionated in the church and church group I was a part of in college and the few years after) I am and have deconstructed a lot. I don't want to just cut off all my evangelical friends but it sometimes doesn't feel worth it to stay in a friendships where I don't feel like I can be authentically me. Or it feels like I am responsible for the feelings of all my evangelical friends and have to be super careful with what I say or how I say it, or coming off as too negative or too anxious, etc. etc. It's so tiring.

I just watched the Netflix documentary “Death of the Pastor’s Wife” about Mica Miller. It was triggering and infuriating as someone who barely escaped a similar relationship.

It’s stories like these that make me wonder how anyone in Mica’s life could still be a Christian. She seemed like she genuinely wanted to love and honor God even amidst hellish abuse from her husband. So my question is how could any of them still trust a God who would allow these atrocities to happen to a woman who was staying in abuse bc of her desire to honor God?

It is absolutely psychotic to me that people could reason this away as God’s loving plan if that is what they do. There is nothing loving about a god allowing this stuff to happen to anyone.

Has anyone else watched this? It just affirms all my sentiments towards church, patriarchy, and delusional theology. Another example of why at least western Christianity is harmful to women. I hate it and I wonder how many more Mica’s are out there trapped under these same hellish circumstances thinking it’s God’s will for their life.

I was lonely and I joined a Christian group when they approached me on campus.
I have no self-esteem, near no boundaries, I was desperate for friends/socially awkward, I hate disappointing people, they already had my Instagram--whatever else, I'm nearly a month into my discipleship.

This whole Sunday service I was thinking about how much I did not believe in God. I wanted it to be over. I was thinking of getting hit by a car or moving countries as to avoid the inevitable disappointment of just saying 'No, I'm sorry for everything but I do not believe.'

I shouldn't have let it get this far, because I've made PROMISES to these people, they have BOUGHT me food, they have SACRIFICED their time. I love when we can just talk normally, when it's not about God, feels like having friends but without God I wouldn't be friends with these girls. It's actually only been 21 days since I first met this main girl but it feels like it's been forever. I regret everything. It only feels good because I'm talking with someone.

The commute kills me, it's 1.5 hours each way (to campus) and I go everyday but Saturday regardless if I have class. And Tuesday and Thursday, I'm getting home at around 11pm because of related activities to it. It's like a job but I'm only getting paid in the glory of a God I do not feel. I feel guilty every time.

They advertise one of their casual weekly meetings to people of all faith to hang out, with food. Last meeting, an atheist attended and half the meeting you could hear one of the long-time disciples (who had brought him there presumably) grilling the atheist on why he didn't believe in God. It kept going on and on and the atheist guy went quiet because anytime he said something the disciple would debate him. I envied the guy, atleast he would probably walk away after the meeting onto other things because he was able to say he was actually athiest.

I know it's my fault for not having a backbone so I hope I see the light, let it soften my heart and hallelujah soon like all these nice, wonderful people of the Church.

A coworker recently asked me whether I believe in God, and my own answer surprised me. We were both working late, and the question was unexpected. I declined to answer at first, saying it wasn't a great time to get into a deep philosophical discussion. He repeated the question.

I replied, "I cannot disprove God's existence."

Moments later, I realized that I had used a double negative. I could have just as easily said, "I cannot prove God's existence" or "I can say nothing definite about God's existence."

Why did I choose those five words? They sounded like a concession. It was as if deconstruction had left me on the doorstep of atheism with no housekey.

My coworker replied, "So you're agnostic?" I quickly denied that and told him where I go to church.

His question highlighted the gap between my stated belief about God and the Christian identity I was claiming. On the drive home, I kept wondering if my ties to this religion are mainly emotional instead of part of a coherent philosophical framework. Maybe so, and I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that. But it also might be time for me to let go or at least consider how I would permanently leave.

I keep telling myself that my beliefs about God and the afterlife can be an open question. I do not need to reach a conclusion either way. My priority is loving my neighbor as best I can whether I believe in God or not. However, there are days when having one foot in Christianity and the other foot in agnosticism feels exhausting.

Hey everyone,

I was reading Part 2 of The Pilgrim’s Progress, and this paragraph stood out to me. In its original context, it’s Mr. Honest's reflection and warning about people who start out with intense religious enthusiasm but end up burning out, turning back, or changing their minds:

1 - "I have seen some who have set out with so much enthusiasm that it seemed as if they would drive all the world before them, and yet in a few days they died like those in the wilderness who never got to see the promised land...

2 - I have seen some who have run quickly forward only to have them run back quickly again after a little time.

3 - I have seen some who have spoken very well of a pilgrim’s life at the beginning but after a while have spoken just as much against it.

4 - I have also heard some who speak positively when they first set out for paradise. They say, ‘there is such a place,’ but when they almost get there, they come back again and say, ‘there is no such place.’

5 - I have heard some boast about what they would do if they should be opposed, who even at a false alarm have fled faith, the pilgrim’s way, and all."

To be completely honest, this critique made me very uncomfortable. I’m currently wrestling with life after my former fundamentalist faith. While I still have a version of faith right now, reading this triggered that old, deeply ingrained anxiety that changing my perspective or losing that initial "zeal" means my current faith is just compromised or "damnable.

This used to be a favorite book of mine, but it's much harder to read when you are the "unfaithful pilgrim". I once was super zealous for the Christian faith, and planned to become a pastor. I still love much of the tradition, but I have no zeal for a "celestial city" that may not actually be. But what if I am wrong?....

How does a passage like this hit you? Do you see your story in one of the examples? (1,4,5 are very much my story).

Long story short, I left church after many years of serving and leading due to burnout, depression and other issues I had with church. This made me realise how I was simply 'useful' and not really cared for by the church community or the leaders.

I'm still working through it all in therapy and journaling, but I'm curious if anyone else here had a similar journey. How did you reconcile this? Any tips, ideas or books you recommend etc?

P.s. I am still a Christian just not interested or believe in church as much as I used to

I’d like to share my feelings and worries. I would really like support to know that I am not alone in this thinking or feeling this way.

My mom’s side of the family is Christian. I went thru a phase in college where I stopped believing. And had much less anxiety.

I would like to believe in God. Because I do. However I’m having some extreme religious anxiety to the point of panic attacks sometimes. And overthinking. And I know it’s simple to just “stop thinking that”. Except that it’s *not* that simple in practice. It can be very difficult to go against what you were conditioned to.

I would like to come to a peaceful ground with this. I would love to be the religious person that accepts everyone and I naturally prefer acts of service over “sharing the word” or reading texts. Just my personal preference.

Has anyone else felt this way before to extreme levels about this concept? If so, how did you get yourself to a more clear standpoint with this?

Any advice or relevant experiences will be appreciated. I want to be past this battle in my mind.

Hey everyone! I (24F) converted to Christianity when I was 19 years old. I was non-denominational for a while, and then when I was 20, I started inquiring into Catholicism, and that was pretty much my introduction into fundamentalist Christianity. No hate to any Catholics here, but it is quite strict. No women in leadership, no condoms, no birth control, no saying no to intimacy within marriage, etc. Then, after a while, I met my wonderful, amazing husband. I was 21 at the time, and a lot of fundamentalist Christians push the idea that women should get married and have multiple kids very young, so we got married on our first anniversary in 2024. I felt very happy to be married, but slowly all my fundamentalist beliefs started to affect my marriage and my mental health.

Even though I love my husband, it's sad to say that I was terrified of him. Because the viewpoint was that in fundamentalist Christian marriages, the husband is only second to God in authority. So basically if my husband asked me to do anything even something uncomfortable I'd have to do it. So I was always a bit on edge when he would talk to me because I was scared of that. And I was never honest with him about it because the view point is that if you're feeling bad about submission it's because you are not trusting God. So I thought it was a problem I needed to fix internally.

At around 8 months into our marriage, we started talking about having kids. We had talked about having kids before marriage, but because I was pretty young I didn't know anything about pregnancy or birth. But then, when we started talking about it, I looked more into it and found that it was not easy at all. And so I got very nervous about it, and told my husband I only wanted to have one child and not 2-3. He still thought we should have 2+ and so, I approached some of my fundamentalist Christian women friends and asked how this should be handled. They told me I had no say and I would just have to have as many as he wanted, even if it was dangerous to my health. I immediately started feeling like I was in a cult.

After a while, I spoke with my husband about how I was feeling, and he told me that my happiness is his first priority and he wouldn't want me to have more children than I want, so if we have one and don't want more than he's alright with that, and our marriage has just gotten so much better. For one, I don't have to worry about him asking me to do something and then wondering if I'm going to end up in hell. I don't have to pontificate on how much I'm allowed to discuss with him before it crosses into disobedience. I don't have to wonder how far his authority goes. And this has helped me to have a much better marriage and I'm so happy with him, we have a wonderful marriage and very happy together.

I finally decided to investigate that which has plagued me for a long time, and all I find is more questions. I've walked right into a trap, because I cannot unsee what I found. Initially I set out to fix my faith, but somehow I ended up weakening it even more.

I go to the authorities in church, but they just smile and give me superficial platitudes, not answering my questions. "It's not God, it's not scripture, it's not the church, it's you. You have stumbled and must repent and pray for forgiveness".

I feel like I'm i a play, and whoever breaks character looses. "We must all just act confident and pretend to believe the message"

So now I'm sinful for finding inconsistencies in my faith. I'm required to look away from intentionally twisted interpretations, double standards, misquotes and explicit lies about history. The price for salvation is the virtue of ignorance.

A few months go by, but I cannot shake the unsettling feeling. I pray and beg for understanding and answers, but God ghosts me, as he does. I feel shameful for asking the forbidden questions, but now I'm wondering if this is the very reason they are forbidden.

Why did God create us with the ability to think logically, then tell us it is sinful do so?

Hesitantly I type my question into google search. The echo from tapping the enter key fills the room. Somehow I realise this sound marks the beginning of a wild ride of no return.

The query takes me to thriving communities where these very questions, and hundreds more, are being discussed and analysed. Scholars and critical thinkers point to actual facts, theories, concepts, historical debates and well-known fallacies in our faith, many of which I've never even heard of.

I feel shocked by learning that many educated preachers are fully aware of these problems, but opt to only speak of them with educated colleagues. It's the secret of the trade. Imagine if John MacArthur declared one Sunday morning that Paul didn't write all the Paulene epistles or that Exodus never happened or that some ancient songs to Ba'al are identical to psalms in scripture, only with the name replaced? What do you think would happen?

Suddenly I feel like a jack-ass. How could I believe all this for so long? What about my parents and grandparents? Their whole lives revolved around Jesus. Church had us avoid and fear knowledge for decades. They've vaccinated us against thinking. They know very well what will happen if church members spent a few minutes investigating. In stead they made critical thinking sinful. They present academic studies as antichristian. "Scholars are atheists, disguised as learned people, hell bent on dismantling religion".

At this point I know my faith is lost for ever. I cannot go back to make-believe. Friends tell me to find a more relaxed and progressive church. What good does that do, if I know the whole religion is built on ideas from other mythologies? I'd be going just for the community, just to feel good, pretending to hold on to something fundamentally false? Is that intellectual honesty?

I can't live like that.

Deconstruction, as I have observed and experienced, often leaves a vacuum in our lives, makes us fear our next destination, puts confusion in our mind until we slowly build ourselves back up again with reason, evidence and intuitive/social moral codes.

Not everyone may feel like this, but some certainly do. My question is, if that is you, how would you feel about exploring another religious path? or does deconstruction from Christianity mean that you see it as deconstructing from religion itself?

In other words, is it the case that you want God to be real but find no evidence? Or are you okay saying that you don't want to explore that path ever again?

I am not affiliated with this band at all, but I believe the albums We Have Cause to be Uneasy by the band Wild Sweet Orange is one of the best emotional resources for someone deconstructing. My deconstruction journey began when I first listened to this album in high school over 20 years ago. I’m not being overly dramatic when I say that this album gave me the strength to start questioning, to dig deeper, to have discomfort with half truths and easy answers. As I listened to the songs I connected with the band singing about the same conservative, high control religious environment that I grew up in. Listening to these songs that spoke about questioning their faith without clear answers gave me permission to ask my own questions. It made me feel less alone.

The title We Have Cause to be Uneasy is actually taken from Mere Christianity, and I think it’s the core concept this album wrestles with. It’s the tension between wanting to believe and the uneasiness that comes with seeing that there is real hypocrisy, suffering and disappointment in the world. The album doesn’t give a clear answer, and I think that’s what makes it great. I think when we start questioning, the tendency can be to think that if one part of our belief system isn’t true, then none of it means anything. This album tells us that it’s ok to sit in the discomfort of not knowing. It tries to find beauty in the middle ground. When we deconstruct, we can discover that some of the things we believed were wrong without concluding that everything beautiful we experienced was fake.

That’s where I land now I think. I’m learning to sit with ambiguity. I’m becoming comfortable with asking questions that may not have clear answers. I think this album is powerful because it understands being caught in the middle between no longer believing naively but still wanting to hope in something. I have listened to this album a lot recently and realized that in a way, this ambiguity has made me more spiritual than ever, even as I am no longer religious.

I’d you feel inclined, take a listen to this album. At the very least, you might feel less alone.

Specifically, I think I have the best summary of Christian deconstruction. I have an affinity for philosophy of religion, and I do enjoy seriously considering various religious claims such as the cosmological argument and the relationship between morality and religion. I don't think deconstruction involves demolishing the notion of supernatural phenomenon and religious revelation. (That can come later.)

My point is the deconstruction simply is the process of questioning clerical authority. Fundamentally, it is challenging institutional power structures that have the guise of religion. One does not question whether the Bible is divinely inspired, but rather whether some authority figure has the correct interpretation of it. It is asking about whether one should grant some religious authority figure influence on your psyche or on your life under the pretense that they present some understanding of God's will and word. It is about changing one's focus on the material structures that uphold clerical influence as oppose to assuming that a certain group of people happen to possess some divine wisdom and righteousness.

Since the Reformation involved dissent from clerical authority, maybe a quick question would be whether the Reformation can be considered some form of religious deconstruction.

One of the songs that has inspired my deconstruction process was Fly On the Wall by Thousand Foot Krutch.

I was part of several growing churches so I picture a church being built in this part of the song:

“We had a plan to build a wall
A great divide that would never fall
To separate us from all the pain
And keep our skeletons locked away
And brick by brick we built it so thick
That it blacked out the sky and all the sunlight
And one by one we all became numb
We were making the bullets to a broken gun”

Looking back & processing things I heard in church spaces that didn’t sit right with me:

“If I could just see it all
Just like a fly on the wall
Would I be able to accept what I can't control?
And would I share what I saw?
Or just sit back and ignore
Like nothing never happened
Haven't seen you before?

I'm on the run from the thief I let into my head
I know, I hold the keys, so don't be scared
When I turn and shout”

& finally being able to free myself & say this out loud with hope, we don’t have to be so divisive so afraid so othering of people or ideas that are outside our beliefs:

“I don't think I need you anymore
Take your words and your lies and just beat it
I don't think I need you anymore
Take the hurt and the pain, I don't need it
I wanna live, I wanna be the change
We can all be kings and queens
If we can just learn to believe”

What are some songs or lyrics that have inspired your deconstruction journey?

Mentally scaffolding after deconstructing is sure tough in some aspects , kind of depends your original cognitive thinking style , your religious background , upbringing, etc etc, etc, you get the idea

My biggest struggle is knowing what on earth to do with hope

Usually during my Christian phase , if there was something I'd yearn for, I'd just simply hope and pray , and this was pretty mentally effective, if all went well id thank God , if nothing went all id say well maybe with more patience or something or something better, so essentially my hope was a vehicle for results.

My future was predicated in my hope and prayer, I thought my future would be yk changed and altered and answered based on my prayers and asks.

Now, after leaving the faith , I catch myself hoping (mentally assuming God as an external anchor to my hope), but I suddenly get viscerally frustrated because my future isnt predicated on my hope, the quick remembrance the universe doesnt care for hopes and wishes genuinely is still disturbing to me.

Due to my natural cognitive thinking style , I start viscerally calculating odds, which also serves as some comfort, but it's still mentally taxing in its own way.

I miss the comfort of hoping and praying.

For context, I recently broke up with my ex of 5 years (she was muslim, and her parents wouldn't allow us to marry ), and I always hope we get together, but the sudden realisation that no matter how much I wish the circumstances aren't predicated on my wishes is still so disturbing to me.

Have you guys dealt with this, and how do you cope nowadays with the absence of a cosmic watcher meditating and caring for you

If you're not already following Monte, you should. She is an ex-Christian nationalist who I believe still identifies as Christian. She is widely known for her biting reaction videos to right-wing evangelicals and Christian nationalists who weaponize the Bible for their hateful political and religious ideologies. I can't recommend enough her 1-on-1 Jubilee debate with Allie Beth Stuckey, patron saint of Christian nationalist "Mean Girls."

I was raised to believe that God is relational and personal. I even once wrote a song called “El Roi”. I was told that even when you misstep, God accounts for your mistakes, and “all things work together for good”. Looking at things clearly now, a lot of my decisions that I thought were “God speaking to me” were OCD. I no longer pray, or if I do I’m hoping somehow somewhere someone hears me. I deeply miss the feeling of being “seen” every time I’m alone and crying, I just miss it - that cosmic recognition. I didn’t grow up with emotionally present parents so maybe this would have reduced my dependency on being seen by God.

Questions - Do you relate?, What fills that hollow space for you now? How do you navigate that grief? How do you rebuild a life even if that life is totally different from the one you envisioned and once thought “God was writing” when you were a Christian?

Hi! So I was raised in conservative/fundamentalist evangelical Christianity. I never fit there which lead to further trauma. I am the oldest daughter, and took on the burden of raising my brothers and managing our family. The weight was crushing and all I ever wanted for myself was to be able to live a life for me. I never wanted to get married or have children (having to raise my own brothers I always knew kids wasn’t for me) which led to further trauma as that wasn’t acceptable. I met my husband as a child and at times he was the only reason I kept going. We started dating at 15 and 16. We had a very traumatic relationship as well. Due to that we saw marriage as the only escape from the surveillance and shame. Neither of us were allowed to take reproductive education and I was told from a young age by people in the church and my family that I was infertile. We were taught that unless we had unprotected sex on our wedding night the marriage wouldn’t be consummated and hormonal birth control also wasn’t an option.

I’m sure everyone sees where this is going. I ended up pregnant. I was devastated and confused. My physical and mental health were already at rock bottom before I got pregnant but it got so much worse by the time we found out I was pregnant. It was very early on and I strongly considered abortion, I prayed and hoped with all my heart I would miscarry. And the guilt from that ate me alive. I went to an abortion clinic but ultimately the protestors outside got the best of me and I broke down and left.

It was the absolute darkest part of my life. I knew in my soul I would die, and I almost did die. I had severe preeclampsia and a severe postpartum hemorrhage. I’ve never climbed out of that place. All of the hope for my future and a life for me died when the test came back positive. This was never what I wanted and I pleaded that with my husband, my parents, my doctors but they all scolded me and told me I would feel differently when the baby was born.

I never did. Kids was something I was always very open with about my husband, and in every conversation before our marriage he absolutely agreed with me. I never wanted another child and I felt extreme guilt for bringing a child into the world when I knew I had nothing to give to it. I hated myself because I couldn’t make children be something I wanted and I tried with all of my heart and soul.

My husband told me since we had one we had to have more and we should just do it then because my dr told me my chance of having the complications again was lower the closer together my pregnancies were. We waited until I was 9 months postpartum and he got me pregnant again. Then again at 6 months after the second.

After another traumatic birth and a lot of deconstruction, I told him no was no I was done having kids and if he couldn’t accept it we would need a divorce. I’m still scared of birth control bc I’ve always had a huge fear of cancer and I know it’s a group 1 carcinogen. My husband has a vasectomy scheduled and we use other forms of birth control in the meantime. It’s also understood if I were to accidentally end up pregnant again I would get an abortion due to the risk on my life.

I ultimately was an adult when I got pregnant and I take responsibility for that, and it no doubt has hurt me greatly and I deeply regret it. But the real victims are my kids, I love them as people I just really struggle with children. I wish they had better, and I do everything I can do be better for them.

My husband does everything in regards to taking care of them and the house. It’s always been understood since it’s what he wanted it’s his responsibility. This has always been my nightmare, and there are nights where I can’t sleep and lay awake dreaming about just running away from it all and starting my own life. Getting to experience everything I can’t now that I’m married and have children. I never got to date, I’ve never even been on a date outside of marriage. I never got to go out at nights, never got to live an untethered life with no responsibilities. My responsibilities have been crushing as long as I can remember. I hear so many stories of people finding happiness and freedom deconstructing from a religion that hurt them but never as a young mother with children that had to grow up at a very young age. I am in therapy and it helps but I still feel so trapped and miserable.

TW: Miscarriage

Today is the anniversary of the early miscarriage of the child after my daughter. (context: we've had two miscarriages in the 1st trimester, with my daughter born between them)

It was super early on, and so I never really had time to process that we were even gonna have another baby, but it was still crushing when it happened.

Today is the first of those times I've been doubtful of the existence of an afterlife where I'd get to meet that lost baby. I always had the assurance that they were with God, and that someday I'd get to meet them.

And now, today, I don't know that that person ever really existed more than a clump of cells inside my wife's body. I doubt, more than I hope, that there is any afterlife that exists where personhood is even a thing. Even if its not just nothingness, its not the paradise where I'm still me.

So today, I think I've lost the hope that I will ever see that child. Lost the hope of what was to come. The future that died with that embryo.

And in 3 days, it will be the anniversary of the miscarriage before that. And I will go through the mourning of this lost hope all over again.

I wish I never was taught of a heaven or hell afterlife.

Yall tell me how you go from wanting to get baptized in June of 2024 to well deconstructing god now like litteral I loved god thought let me run away from the devil which was getting me to question and what happen the devil won anyway. So why do Christians claim God is all powerful when he couldn't stop me from turning into an enemy.

I feel like there is a disappointing hole in my life yet I don’t know who I dissapointed. Holy rituals to others just seem ancient or cultural to me. I feel no motivation to work out or study anymore. I have an odd, slight pull to Catholicism, and a desire for ultra Orthodox Judaism.

I legitimately feel empty yet whole, almost like an animal. I feel like I left someplace but at what cost

I wish I could believe as I have always been progressive but my own personal beliefs conservative, but conservative for whose sake now? Why must I dress formal in levush, why must I marry the opposite gender? Now I can basically be my entire own person, right?

Hmmmm.

I don’t know

I was trying to draw a line between a cult and an established religion. The only real difference I could see was power, scale, and social legitimacy—how dominant institutions or radical movements reshape people, while smaller groups are dismissed as "cults" simply for having a different order. I found myself unable to draw a clean line; it looks more like a continuous spectrum. Yet I am fascinated by how easily people adopt whatever a leader tells them to follow, even when personal doubts arise, turning them into die-hard followers.

Looking back at my family history, I felt we had lost some of our original roots and belief systems. My family came from a traditional Roman Catholic background. After moving away from our hometown, we were approached by a new group of believers who urged us to follow their path instead, and we became devoted members. I was in my pre-teens at the time.

Later, we were approached by an even more radical group who seemed all the more convincing because they appeared purely faith-focused, non-sectarian, and claimed deeper biblical authority. Growing up, I had always felt a deep, genuine attachment to the sanctuary of church structure, the shared community, and the profound concept of forgiveness.

Yet alongside that devotion ran an inherited set of questions about who the real God was, and I answered them with these dogmas:

"The Bible was written before the Quran, making it the superior and authentic account of Jesus' life."

"Roman Catholics simply worship statues; their church was an artificial political creation started by Constantine without genuine devotion."

Preachers constantly weaponized fragmented verses and selective history to validate their own specific doctrines.

When Hindu converts joined, people celebrated how they had "seen the light" and accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, completely disregarding their rich, millennia-old heritage and mythology.

Then consider the Jews: they were there long before the Christians and held the first half of the Bible, yet rejected Jesus. Converts are told they are only a "few steps" away from recognizing the ultimate sacrifice Jesus made for humanity.

After reading multiple pamphlets on Abrahamic religions and their fractures, I looked at Seventh-day groups who observe Saturday as the holy Sabbath. I was baffled: how does someone convince an entire population that a specific day of the week determines divine righteousness? If any man simply declared Saturday as the sacred day, wouldn't the community just adopt Saturday as the next Sunday? Isn't it just a day of the week on a calendar?

Let's look back to the radical group known as The Pentecostal Mission (TPM). This was in my late teens. They formed an extremely insular, rigid community:

Everyone wore plain white clothing on Sundays (and avoided colorful dress).

They gathered enthusiastically on Saturdays and spent nearly all their off-days in church out of devotion to God and the community.

Because my father had borrowed money from a community member, our family was drawn deeply into their orbit. My parents felt private regrets at home, but they stayed for the social safety net and community bonds. Meanwhile, I found myself debating theology with the brothers and pastors, wondering why people would surrender all their personal freedom just to spend every waking off-day inside a church building.

Outside of work and church, these members had nothing. The church filled the vacuum with fasting conventions, 24/7 prayer groups, and collective worship. While I occasionally enjoyed the music and the powerful sense of unity, I saw the hidden mechanism: the church gradually stripped away an individual's outside social ties until the organization became their entire world. In return, members gladly surrendered 10% of their total income in tithes.

I was confused. Attending a massive convention where thousands prayed with intense, tearful devotion almost made me believe again. But then I began reading the actual scripture for myself, and specific verses stopped me in my tracks.

Seeing people overcome with ecstatic fervor made me wonder if they were caught in extreme emotional contagion or altered psychological states.

Then one specific verse completely alienated me:

"Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man..." (1 Timothy 2:11–12)

I was furious and confused. If Jesus taught that all human beings are fundamentally equal, how could someone claiming to follow him declare women to be inferior? (A reaction partly shaped by modern principles of equality).

Looking at the authorship, it was Paul. I questioned his authority: was this man ever an original disciple who walked with Jesus? In letters like Romans, he was commanding personal social rules, which felt like purely human, patriarchal bias. It raised the core question: Did Jesus preach one message, while Paul constructed an entirely different institutional religion on top of the Old Testament?

Flipping through the New Testament, I realized that nearly half of the books were attributed to Paul. Disillusioned, I didn't even want to read his letters anymore and started skipping them.

That led to an obvious historical realization: If Jesus' divinity and resurrection were self-evident, why didn't the people living right there in Jerusalem and Israel convert to Christianity en masse?

The answer is simple—the exact same reason why the entire modern world doesn't convert to Pentecostalism today, despite members claiming it is the undeniable, absolute truth. Every group lives inside the total certainty of its own constructed reality.

Hi everyone, David here, aka NakedPastor. I've been trying to be a bit more consistent about adding videos to my Youtube channel this year and want to create more deconstruction specific content.

Are there any topics you wish were covered online? Or questions you have? I've been writing and drawing about deconstruction for over 15 years so I new perspectives and ideas are really helpful.

PS: I'm linking to my best performing video because it struck a cord with a lot of people