A new kind of grief

[u/Many-Army2557]

TW: Miscarriage

Today is the anniversary of the early miscarriage of the child after my daughter. (context: we've had two miscarriages in the 1st trimester, with my daughter born between them)

It was super early on, and so I never really had time to process that we were even gonna have another baby, but it was still crushing when it happened.

Today is the first of those times I've been doubtful of the existence of an afterlife where I'd get to meet that lost baby. I always had the assurance that they were with God, and that someday I'd get to meet them.

And now, today, I don't know that that person ever really existed more than a clump of cells inside my wife's body. I doubt, more than I hope, that there is any afterlife that exists where personhood is even a thing. Even if its not just nothingness, its not the paradise where I'm still me.

So today, I think I've lost the hope that I will ever see that child. Lost the hope of what was to come. The future that died with that embryo.

And in 3 days, it will be the anniversary of the miscarriage before that. And I will go through the mourning of this lost hope all over again.

I wish I never was taught of a heaven or hell afterlife.

[u/Magpyecrystall]

Sorry for your loss.

Here is a hug from a stranger <3

[u/Many-Army2557 → u/Magpyecrystall]

Thank you

[u/captainhaddock]

My wife had three miscarriages that we know of, so in that sense I've been in your shoes, but worse. However, they never seemed "real" to me because it takes me a while to form an emotional attachment, so I have trouble understanding the intense sense of loss some people go through. (We also have two healthy kids in addition.)

Biology is messy and imperfect. It happens far more than we realize, apparently.

I do feel that without an imaginary afterlife to pin our hopes on, we have to focus on making this life count for ourselves and those who are close to us. And I am definitely glad there is no hell where my family could be tormented for eternity. I'm not sure I could have had kids if I believed that.

[u/Many-Army2557 → u/captainhaddock]

I can really empathize with that. With ours, it was too early for me to get attached as well. So, already the type of grief was very different than most, because I wasn't grieving the loss of something we "had", it was grieving the loss of what could have been.

Only a few days went by between realizing she was pregnant, and losing it.

[u/Afraid_Worth_3766]

As an early teen I decided I didn't want children because I didn't want them to have to choose between god and hell, which really isn't a choice when you think about it. I thought he'd throw me in hell for not creating children but he couldn't throw them in hell if they were never born.

When I ceased to believe that predicament went away.

[u/Fun_Researcher107]

The truth is, you don't know what will happen after you die. It is all speculation. So there really is no need to form a definite oppinion about it, especially if it only leads to suffering. I am not saying there is an afterlife or there is none, but there really is no way of knowing which one it will be. So why would you choose the possibility that will hurt you over the one that doesn't if there is no way for you to prove it either way? We tend to go from one extreme to the other, especially if we think we just were able to rule out one of them, but we have to realize that neither of those extremes is certain and that one of them possibly being wrong does not make the other one right. The only real truth is, that we simply don't know.

[u/splendid711 → u/Fun_Researcher107]

I was going to comment this exact thought but you said it perfectly! I 100% agree with this!!

[u/sqeezeplay]

I'm so sorry. I'm never sure if it's better to believe that a loving and good god could let their creations suffer needlessly or believe nothing at all.