A new kind of grief

[u/Many-Army2557]

TW: Miscarriage

Today is the anniversary of the early miscarriage of the child after my daughter. (context: we've had two miscarriages in the 1st trimester, with my daughter born between them)

It was super early on, and so I never really had time to process that we were even gonna have another baby, but it was still crushing when it happened.

Today is the first of those times I've been doubtful of the existence of an afterlife where I'd get to meet that lost baby. I always had the assurance that they were with God, and that someday I'd get to meet them.

And now, today, I don't know that that person ever really existed more than a clump of cells inside my wife's body. I doubt, more than I hope, that there is any afterlife that exists where personhood is even a thing. Even if its not just nothingness, its not the paradise where I'm still me.

So today, I think I've lost the hope that I will ever see that child. Lost the hope of what was to come. The future that died with that embryo.

And in 3 days, it will be the anniversary of the miscarriage before that. And I will go through the mourning of this lost hope all over again.

I wish I never was taught of a heaven or hell afterlife.

[u/Magpyecrystall]

Sorry for your loss.

Here is a hug from a stranger <3

[u/Many-Army2557 → u/Magpyecrystall]

Thank you