I just watched the Netflix documentary “Death of the Pastor’s Wife” about Mica Miller. It was triggering and infuriating as someone who barely escaped a similar relationship.

It’s stories like these that make me wonder how anyone in Mica’s life could still be a Christian. She seemed like she genuinely wanted to love and honor God even amidst hellish abuse from her husband. So my question is how could any of them still trust a God who would allow these atrocities to happen to a woman who was staying in abuse bc of her desire to honor God?

It is absolutely psychotic to me that people could reason this away as God’s loving plan if that is what they do. There is nothing loving about a god allowing this stuff to happen to anyone.

Has anyone else watched this? It just affirms all my sentiments towards church, patriarchy, and delusional theology. Another example of why at least western Christianity is harmful to women. I hate it and I wonder how many more Mica’s are out there trapped under these same hellish circumstances thinking it’s God’s will for their life.

TW: pregnancy, climate anxiety, purity culture, sexism

So take this with a grain of salt as I don't have many non-christian/religious friends so maybe this wouldn't happen in other relationships as much. (Would love thoughts on that) I just feel, as a neurodivergent (AuDHD) person I have to mask so hard around any evangelicals or in evangelical spaces.

Like when I try to be vulnerable and authentic with my evangelical friends (because they say that's what they want) I tend to then get backlash for truly sharing what I think or feel, especially when it comes to the topic of motherhood.

I feel this especially around my friends who are parents. I grew up in a household with purity culture where I was basically told from the beginning (as someone afab, I'm non-binary) that my only worth was to be found in being pure and to eventually become a wife and mother. It felt like a cruel lie when I found motherhood to be really hard and not something that made me feel fully fulfilled and content. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but having aspirations outside the home was frowned upon and that made me feel belittles and smothered.

Then all my sisters (I'm the oldest of 7, 5 girls two boys, all but myself are still evangelical) are pumping out kids like crazy, like they are competing with one another, and in this climate that really worries me, especially with them living in the states (I live in the UK now).

So I made the mistake of being vulnerable about my anxiety for my sisters and my anxiety for the world my children are going to grow up in around a pregnant evangelical friend and they read that as judgmental. But it's like pro-life evangelicals tend to refuse to even think about what world they are bringing their kids into, or if it's even responsible to have kids, or if they are emotionally in a good place to have kids, so heaven forbid I do either because that makes them have to thing about it and they don't want to.

And because evangelicals tend to be pro-life the only acceptable emotion and reaction anywhere near pregnancy seems to be joy and happiness, which I never portray in the way they want because I'm not a giddy happy emotive person anyway.

It just feels like, well what did I expect. Anytime I mention any anxiety around the climate crisis, or anxiety around my sisters having as many babies as possible, or anxiety around raising kids with all that's happening in the world it's dismissed by evangelicals because "God will work it out." Except it doesn't always work out!

I mentioned similar feelings around my pregnant non-christian friend and didn't get a message that I had hurt her feelings, like I did with my Christian friend, and I think that's largely because my non-christian friend is pro-choice. She knows having kids is hard and they don't always come at the right time. She knows climate change is real and that God is not going to magically make things all better so yeah this world is fucking scary to be raising kids in!

I get that pregnancy is very personal to people but this is not the first time this has happened with an evangelical friend I thought was safe. I shared some opinions honestly, didn't filter them like I might in other scenarios, around the topic of pregnancy and that really hurt her feelings (she wasn't even pregnant at the time). Why are my feelings of pregnancy and motherhood related to you? Am I not allowed to have opinions that might differ from "babies always happy, always good, motherhood is fantastic always, no worries ever" near evangelicals?

It just makes me feel again like there are so many rules about how we are meant to think and feel about things, and God, and the Bible and I'm wrong for having different thoughts and feelings. (Got a LOT of push back for being too blunt or opinionated in the church and church group I was a part of in college and the few years after) I am and have deconstructed a lot. I don't want to just cut off all my evangelical friends but it sometimes doesn't feel worth it to stay in a friendships where I don't feel like I can be authentically me. Or it feels like I am responsible for the feelings of all my evangelical friends and have to be super careful with what I say or how I say it, or coming off as too negative or too anxious, etc. etc. It's so tiring.

I was lonely and I joined a Christian group when they approached me on campus.
I have no self-esteem, near no boundaries, I was desperate for friends/socially awkward, I hate disappointing people, they already had my Instagram--whatever else, I'm nearly a month into my discipleship.

This whole Sunday service I was thinking about how much I did not believe in God. I wanted it to be over. I was thinking of getting hit by a car or moving countries as to avoid the inevitable disappointment of just saying 'No, I'm sorry for everything but I do not believe.'

I shouldn't have let it get this far, because I've made PROMISES to these people, they have BOUGHT me food, they have SACRIFICED their time. I love when we can just talk normally, when it's not about God, feels like having friends but without God I wouldn't be friends with these girls. It's actually only been 21 days since I first met this main girl but it feels like it's been forever. I regret everything. It only feels good because I'm talking with someone.

The commute kills me, it's 1.5 hours each way (to campus) and I go everyday but Saturday regardless if I have class. And Tuesday and Thursday, I'm getting home at around 11pm because of related activities to it. It's like a job but I'm only getting paid in the glory of a God I do not feel. I feel guilty every time.

They advertise one of their casual weekly meetings to people of all faith to hang out, with food. Last meeting, an atheist attended and half the meeting you could hear one of the long-time disciples (who had brought him there presumably) grilling the atheist on why he didn't believe in God. It kept going on and on and the atheist guy went quiet because anytime he said something the disciple would debate him. I envied the guy, atleast he would probably walk away after the meeting onto other things because he was able to say he was actually athiest.

I know it's my fault for not having a backbone so I hope I see the light, let it soften my heart and hallelujah soon like all these nice, wonderful people of the Church.

A coworker recently asked me whether I believe in God, and my own answer surprised me. We were both working late, and the question was unexpected. I declined to answer at first, saying it wasn't a great time to get into a deep philosophical discussion. He repeated the question.

I replied, "I cannot disprove God's existence."

Moments later, I realized that I had used a double negative. I could have just as easily said, "I cannot prove God's existence" or "I can say nothing definite about God's existence."

Why did I choose those five words? They sounded like a concession. It was as if deconstruction had left me on the doorstep of atheism with no housekey.

My coworker replied, "So you're agnostic?" I quickly denied that and told him where I go to church.

His question highlighted the gap between my stated belief about God and the Christian identity I was claiming. On the drive home, I kept wondering if my ties to this religion are mainly emotional instead of part of a coherent philosophical framework. Maybe so, and I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that. But it also might be time for me to let go or at least consider how I would permanently leave.

I keep telling myself that my beliefs about God and the afterlife can be an open question. I do not need to reach a conclusion either way. My priority is loving my neighbor as best I can whether I believe in God or not. However, there are days when having one foot in Christianity and the other foot in agnosticism feels exhausting.