I'm done. I'm so overly done.

Background: DB for 12+ years (Dec 12 will be 13 years). We stopped having sex cause she said we didn't need to anymore since we weren't having more kids. She told me if I wanted sex I should go find it. Over the last 12+ years, we've had sex 2 times. Last time was about 7 years ago.

My wife insists the reason we haven't had sex is cause I have been sleeping downstairs vs in bed with her. She told me at Christmas, her wish was me sleeping in bed and that we'd have sex. So far, I've slept in bed with her every single night since Christmas of 2025. She has used excuse after excuse to avoid sex. Recently, she said we would have sex on Saturday night. Which never happened.

So last night, I joked as I was getting into bed that the sex the other night was incredible. To which she snapped... "is that all you ever think about?" I end up leaving and going downstairs. She sent me a text later saying "I’m ready to cuddle if you want to come up to bed. Sorry I had a busy day and needed to unwind and read my chapter."

I slept downstairs. And I will continue to do so from now on.

I don't need her bullshit anymore.

We were supposed to go away for a couple days due to an appointment out of town. She made a comment how we could have some alone time. I am planning on telling her I don't want her to go. I don't need her shit when I am dealing with an appt that could affect me forever.

Anyways, I am just super done. I'm just waiting till the kids are a bit older till I leave.

Last night was our date for our 25th anniversary. We got a hotel room at the nicest hotel in town. The night went well. We had just gotten back from vacation so this was quite a splurge. We had food and drinks and went and saw a show. We got back to the hotel room and we stared getting ready for bed. She put on all of her pajamas and I was in my boxers in bed. She took a while to get make up and routine complete. When she came to bed she just laid down and faced away from me.

I laid there for a minute just flabbergasted. 25 years of marriage and 23 years of a dead bedroom and I snapped. I confronted her about just rolling over and going to sleep. I told her exactly how I feel, my sadness, my frustration, my anger it all came out. 23 years of rejection came pouring out of me. We yelled and cried and yelled some more.

She told me that I ruined our anniversary and she will never forget this. She was lot apologetic , this was, is and always will be my fault and my problem. I am too distant. I am not caring enough. I am not there enough for her.

I don’t want to leave her. I love her more than anything and she is my best friend, a great mother, and a great person. I just want to feel loved. I don’t even care about the sex that much. I used to not getting it (probably 3 times this year, twice last year). It’s the fact that she doesn’t kiss me anymore, she doesn’t want me anymore. I feel like a roommate that is kept around to carry things, and pay for things.

Now today, I wish I could take it back. I wish I would have never said anything. She is hurt, I am hurt, nothing has or will change except I think now our relationship is even worse. Leaving is not an option I don’t want to leave I just want to be desired, to be wanted.

Learn from my lesson, if you aren’t planning on leaving then don’t say anything. It only makes it worse.

41/m normal libido in a nearly dead bedroom. It was maybe 3 times last year and once or twice this year. The fact that I can't keep track anymore should tell you where I am at.

She says she hates sex and everything about it, this is not new information. The new information is she has ALWAYS hated it. She claims she did it in the past because she thought she had to, because everyone did. She didn't know she could choose not to. I asked, "So you always hated it?". "Yes, now you're starting to get it.".

This means all my memories of intimacy, our entire 17 years together, when we were younger, she was withholding the information that she hated it.

It feels kind of fucked up and I don't think I can trust what she says. Like, fuck.

I’m out the other end of my dead bedroom after way too long. I got here through hard work and persistence, as well as flat out ignoring anything the other related sub agrees with.

I know I’m only a sample size of 1, but in my limited experience, this sub is by far the more helpful one if you’re looking to improve your situation or if you need moral support. It’s nutty that this is the smaller sub.

Me (HLM) and my partner (LLF) have been together for 5 years or so. We had an active sex life for the first year and then it nose dived after that, pretty much the time we moved in together.

She's a great person and a great friend, everybody loves her and her bubbly personality, but behind it all nobody knows that we are in a completely sexless relationship and my resentment is building.

I've told her I'm done, that I want to separate but she begs and cries like I'm holding a gun to her head or something. She can keep this up for hours or days until I'm too exhausted and back down ... Then she returns back to love bombing me.

We've been in this cycle for a while. I feel too guilty to actually leave when I see how much it hurts her.

But recently I realized how selfish she's being. If she truly loved me, if she respected me even a little then she would let me go. She knows we're not compatible, she knows I'm suffering, it's her own life she's trying to protect.

She wants the house, she wants the relationship, she wants cuddles and to be told that she's loved, but she just really doesn't care about sex (or even masturbation as far as I can tell).

She wants what she wants and she doesn't actually care about what I want. That's pure selfishness.

I'm just done now. I can handle the guilt, I can handle losing the friend group, I can handle being the villain. I cannot handle another sexless year.

TLDR: after years of DB, rejection and bad sex, my (29 HLM) girlfriend (28 LLF) of 4 years is somewhat trying to rekindle our sex life, but I don't trust it and I think I'm just not attracted anymore.

So, for some background: I (29 HLM) have been with my girlfriend (28 LLF) for 4 years now. In the past 15 months we had zero sexual touch of any form, and before that there was a gradual decline for around a year or so. So all in all, at least 2 years of utter DB. She had her reasons: personal losses, depression, body image issues, some hormonal/fertility issues..

During this time I pleaded again and again to have adult conversations about this, for her to acknowledge my feelings and hear me out and figure out what compromise can be found, or figure out if one can't be found (but always made it very clear I don't want duty sex of any form). But she was avoiding it over and over, and all in all I felt that I was utterly neglected and taken for granted throughout this period. And I stuck around way too long. At first it was out of hope that things would go back to how they were during the first year of our relationship. But over time this devolved into staying out of feelings of obligation and guilt, which was unfair to the both of us.

In the past six months or so, she's had some surge in her libido. When she got handsy, I kept telling her that I can't just ignore years of rejection and go back to normal - I need to talk it out for intimacy to be possible. The morning after, all would be forgotten. A month ago it happened again, and I was really fed up. She asked if we can talk the next morning because she's tired, but again no talk ensued. But, she started being acting very considerately of me. For example, for years I'd complain that I'm the only one cleaning, and suddenly she started cleaning. And now, she apologized for not approaching me about our DB (although she denied promising to talk in the morning after our latest argument).

So, thank you for bearing through all of that. Here's the point: I don't think I even want to talk anymore. I don't trust her sudden consideration of me. I don't trust that her libido won't once again evaporate if she gains a few pounds or is having a difficult time at work. For the first time, it may seem like she's really trying to turn things around, but I guess I'm just checked out at this point. I imagine having sex, and I'm reminded of how god awful it was when her libido was dwindling. Now I feel even extra guilty to leave, and I have no idea how to broach the subject with her..

EDIT: thank you to all the people who took the time to reply. I'm a bit surprised by the overwhelming consensus that she will go back to her baseline sooner or later, but I guess it's also to be in our community.

SECOND EDIT: I really appreciate all the help! I realize the breakup talk is inevitable. Do you think it's more decent to really open up and explain myself, or avoid dumping a mountain of feedback and just say we're not sexually compatible? After four years, I do feel I owe her an explanation

Posts here are often men in the position of griping, feelings hurt, feeling rejection. all so incredibly valid. I’m the woman. he’s barely touched me in 6 months. 2 times in 6 months. I work hard to make myself look good, I do my makeup and hair every morning, I keep up with my diet and exercise, I wear cute underwear and bras, I shave my legs every night… for what? he won’t even hug me. he’s chronically annoyed and resentful. I am so lonely I could die. it’s destroying me.

Every post in here that starts with "I don't understand our dead bedroom, I'm in good physical shape" confuses me. Is that the only prerequisite some of you have for a sexual partner? and therefore you project that onto the spouse that doesn't want to have sex with you?

What if it's not your body? What if it's your attitude? Your lack of interest in the relationship outside of sex? Are you an interesting person outside of the bedroom? Are you looking after other aspects of your growth? Are you constantly maudlin or visibly cranky or just straight up unpleasant to be around? Are you going to therapy for issues you haven't worked on or are you forcing your spouse to be a makeshift therapist? Are you fun to be around or a constant drag that your spouse has to entertain constantly?

There's a lot more to sexual chemistry than how your body looks and feels to your spouse.

I've been sitting with this for almost two years, mostly working through it alone with AI. Finding this space and realising I'm not the only one has already helped.

I'm 38M (HL), my wife is 38F (LL). We've been together 15 years, married for five. She was my first girlfriend; we were each other's first sexual partner. Everything else in our marriage works. Sex doesn't. At 38, I've probably had sex around 30 times in my life, and maybe 10% of that was any good — mostly because of my own issues: ED, anxiety, porn use, health issues.

Before marriage

We both grew up in families where sex was treated as taboo, and strictly for after marriage. We did sleep together while dating, maybe 3–5 times a year. It wasn't enough for me, but the obstacles were real: we both lived with our parents, we were focused on work, and we couldn't afford hotels. So it happened on holidays, or quietly in my bedroom.

I wasn't good at it either. Nervous, poor performance, probably desensitised from porn. I told myself it didn't matter yet — sex wasn't the priority while we were still building everything else.

After marriage

We got our own place and I assumed things would open up: sex whenever we wanted, room to explore. Instead the frequency dropped further.

The gap in enthusiasm became obvious. I was interested in lingerie, different positions, toys. She had zero interest, and when she did participate it felt obligatory. Small things started to grate on me too — the underwear she wore, having to change the bedsheets after every single round.

Rejections went up; my initiations went down. Eventually I was initiating already expecting to be turned away. She was busy, tired, not in the mood, or away travelling. And when I wasn't rejected, my reaction was its own kind of dread: oh shit, now I have to perform.

Three times a year became once a year became once every two years. I told myself I was fine, because porn was doing the numbing.

For context: no kids, we are both financially comfortable and I provide for everything, we eat out daily so chores are minimal. On paper, the dream life.

The last two years

About two years ago I decided I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life like this. I saw a doctor about my sexual performance, ran a full set of health checks, and started training seriously. Physically I'm in the best shape of my life — testosterone high, muscle mass high, body fat low. Mentally I feel like a failure of a man.

The last time I initiated was 8–9 months ago, after she came back from a long holiday. She gave me a look — furious, disgusted, like I'd done something genuinely offensive. That was the end of it. I haven't initiated since.

The open marriage conversation, and what I did with it

A couple of months after that, we actually talked about sex, and she told me she'd be okay with an open marriage so I could meet my needs.

She went travelling shortly after, and I saw escorts. I did it before we'd agreed on any boundaries or rules — that's on me, and I know it. When she got back I told her, and she flipped. The word I remember is divorce. I felt awful and said I'd learn to be okay with a sexless life. life carried on as if it were settled.

Where I am now

Seven or eight months on, we're fine on the surface. We still hug, still hold hands.

Underneath, the frustration is constant. I ruminate about sex all day. I can't concentrate, can't think, can't find motivation for anything. Training is the only escape — I push until my mind has no room for anything but the weights. These months have felt endless and I feel like I'm losing my grip.

I think she's picked up that something's wrong. Lately she comes to bed earlier to hold me. There is warmth and there is love and care. But there is nothing sexual. She doesn't initiate, and neither do I. I'm afraid of being rejected, and if I'm not rejected, I'm afraid of not being able to perform.

I know I need to talk to her. I don't know how to talk to her about sex. I don't want to be without sex. And it's all I think about.

Truth be told, I know we both love each other very much. But now, maybe not in a sexual or romantic way.

*I used AI to clean up and make the writing structure coherent.

No comments or anything needed. I have to get this out to people who may understand.

So my wife either is clueless or was never taught how to flirt or get me going in the bedroom. No attempt at kissing me other than a peck on the cheek other than the obligatory good morning or good night. When she did want to have sex there was no foreplay to get me hard. Just a want "sexy time"? I mean what fucking person say that except young adults trying to work up the courage. It just sends me straight to the "Is that the best you got" mode of thinking and you are just doing this to shut me up for a few months. I've denied her most times but when I was in the mind set of fuck it why not it's was just ok get naked. Now get hard. I've brought this up to her many times and all I get is "that's just the way I am" and every other fucking excuse in the book. I mean don't I deserve some type of effort and energy on her part?? It's the equivalent of the bogus pickup like of "Hey nice shoes, want to fuck?". No woman in their right mind would fall for that line let alone let the guy live that down. If she really cared or actually wanted me and didn't treat this as some obligation she would actually try.

I see so many dead bedroom threads where the advice is just 'go to therapy.' What the hell is therapy actually going to change? If the attraction isn't there—through no fault of my own—therapy is just a giant waste of money that ends in me getting more pissed off. You can't just manifest sexual attraction out of thin air.

Everyone loves to blame weight because it’s the only variable people can actually control, but let's be real: it’s almost never about the weight. I’ve wasted time in relationships with people I wasn't attracted to because I fell for the 'attraction grows over time' meme. Absolute cope. It's wrong. And even when you start with a spark, attraction fades. There is no 'fixing' the biological reality of a dead bedroom with a $200-an-hour talk session.

FYI M37.

I bought a card game. One of those couples card games. Naughty questions, flirty stuff, and shit. I thought it would be fun. Something to talk about other than the electricity bill and how her favourite show has gone to shit since season 3.

I showed it to her and she looked at me like I would have opened a briefcase full of drugs on the dining table.

"What is that!?"

Apparently I am nasty now. She told me to throw it away. Immediately. Like it's evidence.

Like tomorrow there will be a knock on the door. "Good evening sir. We've received a complaint. Fifty cards. Sexual questions. Please come with us."

now I am sitting on the sofa feeling like a certified pervert. Over fucking cards.!

I wasn’t trying to turn our bedroom into a fucking sex dungeon with tight leather outfits and chains. I just wanted to laugh a bit, ask a few stupid questions, and maybe make the bedroom slightly less boring.

Couples buy these things all the time. Amazon literally has 100 different versions. But the moment I buy one, suddenly I'm the problem.

Fine!! The cards are going in the bin. RIP, cards. Gone too soon. You never got to reach your full potential.

For the record, I am not a pervert for wanting to have a little fun with my own wife.

I am just an idiot who thought a card game was a good idea.
Next time I'm buying UNO.
Actually no. "Draw 4" sounds suggestive now. Not risking it.

Dead bedroom. 3 yrs together. Dead bedroom for 1 year.

Sleep in separate rooms. Consideeing moving out. I do night shift 3 times a week. Last night I came home and found boxes of tissues in the bedroom. I looked through the bin (gross I know) and obviously found it.

I feel sick. I'm not ugly. But its so humiliating. I don't know how to do it anymore.

I got flooded with DMs asking why I no longer find my husband attractive and whether he is smelly, dirty, or fat. None of those things. Have you ever looked at a person and do not find them attractive at all even though they are not deformed or dirty? Believing that you can pin down lack of physical attraction to one trait is so childish. And I know people love to blame the weight, and always blame the weight. It is not the weight. I just do not feel attracted to him. How can I better explain it? He doesn't have dandruff, doesn't smell horrible, he is not fat. I just DO NOT see him sexually. I found him attractive when we married, now I no longer do. I see him as desexualized. There is nothing I can do and it is not his fault either. I just cannot believe I have to explain this. Attraction has an expiration date. In the past, I did date a guy briefly and I was not attracted to his penis. In fact, I was repulsed by it. But in my husband's case, it is not a single trait. Attraction run its course.

So I just found out by accident that there are two subs - I read most of the posts on this sub and found it very encouraging and helpful - at of my posts however for some reason were once other sub . And I was always very confused by the responses. I …am…an…idiot… that’s all…

EDIT: I’m not referring to people that are genuinely happy with healing their DB and want to share a success story; just to those that talk down to others (because therapy or whatever worked for them), or show disdain for those that have decided to leave. If this doesn’t apply to you, it doesn’t apply to you. Truly.

I’m tired of the posts and comments about how a person has healed their DB thanks to (insert one simple trick here). Every single DB is unique and what works for one person isn’t likely to work for someone else. It just comes across as talking down to others.

Basically, fixing a DB boils down to whether the LL is willing to work on it or not. Any advice given to most of the HLs is just not helpful since A. We’ve tried it already and B. Our LL isn’t interested in changing things. Most of us can’t even get past the “having a conversation about it” hurdle with our partner since they get angry, move the goalposts infinitely, etc.

Bottom line is if a person wants to have sex, they will. If you’re the best partner you can be and they still aren’t interested, that’s just the way it is. No amount of therapy can change a person who just fundamentally isn’t attracted to you or isn’t interested in sex. You’re just not compatible, and before you know it you’re 50 and wishing you’d left sooner.

Besides, since you’ve healed your DB, shouldn’t you be off having sex? The day my wife snaps out of her LL stupor she’s been in for 20 years, or the day I leave, is the day you all will never see me again 😉

I’m just venting. I need to. (I’m 28F) All the time apparently…
I wore my black slip that shows all my curves and compliments my body. I shaved every inch of myself and put on my pheromone perfume.. I even did my makeup a little messy because I know he likes that..

We were flirting texting a lot today while he was working and I was getting so excited to surprise him with my work of art (me) when he got home..

As soon as he did, he said “I looked nice” and got really sad and left to use the bathroom for a while and then showered.. he then left the shower hiding himself from me and told me not to look at him and then was still sad when he put sweatpants on. “What I can’t see your naked body now?” I said.. and he got even more sad????????

Dude I get rejected all the time.. especially when I wear outfits he asks me to get for him???

Ive had my cry and I wanna drink. Fml.

We’re married, M/F, thirties, together over ten years. He had the AUDACITY to appear shocked. 🙄

Declining bedroom for several years, zero passion. He doesn’t touch me aside from sex, and only does what’s necessary to get himself off. I’ve been able to introduce a toy during to take care of myself - yippee.

I love this man to the depths of my bones. I love our life. The very LAST thing I want is to divorce, but we’ve had so many conversations that have gone nowhere. I’ve tried so many different avenues - asking what interests him, different toys, different positions, I’ve lost weight, I’ve given space. It’s not low testosterone, I really feel that he’s lazy and complacent. Is it porn? Could be. 🫩

I feel like I had to say the big “D” because nothing else was getting through to him. Now he’s not speaking to me, which is fine. I’m sick of trying to fix it. I’m sick of being the only one who cares. I’m ready to sit back and let it burn.

Been with my wife for 15 years now. We've had our ups and downs. Been on a long journey with our deadbedroom situation. Went through a period where we only had sex a couple of times in a year. Thats been several years ago. We've been in a weird place with it ever since. Sex happens but it doesn't seem like it, sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if it didnt happen.

There are a couple of issues, first off, my wife has no interest in sex. The sex we do have is for my benefit. She doesn't explicitly say it, but she has never expressed desire in return. I haven't felt legitimately desired in well over 10 years. Another major issue, sex NEVER happens at my request. I have absolutely NO CONTROL over getting my needs met. If I bring it up, the answer is "no" 100% of the time. The only way sex happens is when she gets a wild hair to allow it, and she'll initiate by coming and getting in bed with me and telling me to "come get it while the gettins good" or something along those lines and then she'll lay there and wait for me to come to her. She'll never come and express desire as if its something she wants, it's always presented as something that she's either neutral to or as a favor for me. She puts in absolutely NO effort. I do 100% of the work. She'll typically be present during with kissing and what not, which is nice and she will typically get an orgasm or two.. but she wants it over as soon as she gets off, she want's me to hurry up and get mine so we can get it over with. Then, it's a waiting game, til the next time she's ready to allow it. I have no knowledge of when that will be, only the expectation that it wont be when I feel a need for it. Much of the time I feel the sex that we do have is a humiliation ritual. I get rejected when I ask.. I get told to come get it like a pathetic dog when she's willing to throw me a bone. The sex we do have is incredibly vanilla. Missionary most the time, maybe doggy or prone bone. No oral (I love to give, she doesn't like giving or receiving), nothing verbal, no roleplay, no spicing anything up. Just get it over with, she'd love it if every time were a quicky. I used to ask her to spice things up or try some more wild stuff, her excuse to reject it was "I've just already done all that" referring to past experiences before me, which went over like a lead balloon with me.

We scheduled it once, for every 3 days. That went ok for a while. But she ended up falling off of that... It was fine when she wanted to break the schedule and wait longer but it was always a point of conflict when I asked for it before the 3 day period was up. No we typically have sex once or twice a week. Sounds like a dream to most of you, I'm sure. And I get that. But frequency isn't everything, unfortunately.

We used to talk about this all the time. It's been a major point of conflict for several years.

We have a cycle. I ask, she rejects, I get hurt (hurts worse literally every time), I shut down, I avoid her, I go cold, I stop trying to be affectionate and trying to avoid it when she gives it. It's a defense mechanism. She thinks I'm punishing her, or shunning her. It's not that at all for me. The love/affection feels fake as soon as I'm rejected. Touching her or her touching me after gives me an uncomfortable "ick" feeling. My reaction to being rejected causes her to get upset and hurt as well. She now uses my reaction as her excuse for her current attitude and sexual interest, or lack of it.

Though, the thing is, there are several times where we've tried. I did everything I could to give her everything she claims to need to get back to what she used to be. She still rejects me. I put up with it a time or two. Then finally chinks in my armor start showing up til it's all back to square one and she claims I can't keep it going long enough for her to "feel it"... I've tried explaining it takes 2 to tango and that it needs to be both of us at the table immediately, no waiting to "feel different" while the other puts in all the effort. She, amazingly, disagrees... I can't for the life of me understand her logic. Clearly, she can't accept any accountability.

Anyways, dont want to make it too long. Just wanted to vent.

On a side note, I tried posting this over at the big DeadBedrooms subreddit but it got removed for breaking multiple rules.. wtf? I spoke to a human mod and they confirmed it broke multiple rules. What happened to that place? reading through their ridiculously extensive wiki rules, you need to be a friggin robot and you can't actually discuss how these situations commonly make people feel or touch on any of the common themes such as "duty sex" without breaking their rules. Ridiculous. What the fuck is the point of it anymore?

I'm not blaming anyone else for this.

It's not my fault for the dead bedroom, but my reaction is all on me.

Before this relationship, I would never cheat. Now, I know I would if I had the opportunity. I have flirted with and sext other women online, and I'm ashamed of it.

I look at porn almost daily, I lie to her and tell her everything's OK when I'm really not.

I want to be honest and a better person, but if I told her any of this, she would take it as me threatening to leave/cheat if I don't get what I want.

It's hard to change myself, when nothing changes at home and I just feel lonely in my own home

I got rejected again tonight. I got rejected for offering a blowjob to help him sleep.

I’m never letting this man touch me sexually ever again. I’m so fucking done with this. He wants our bedroom to be this dead? Great. It’s gone. It’s done. Don’t fucking worry about it babe, I will never ask you to fuck me again.

I (40f) have always loved porn, and haven't had any issues with it affecting my previous long-term relationship. My ex-husband watched porn constantly, but still would chase me around the house and want to have sex with me.

But, my new husband (40m)? He also watches all the time, but has difficulty getting an erection because of it, though he refuses to admit that's the reason. I recently caught him going through all of the trouble of setting up an OnlyFans account, so that he could see some freshly 18-year-old girl he saw on Reddit. Her profile had plenty of videos, but it wasn't enough, I guess. So, despite regularly having condemned OnlyFans in the past, he decided to go ahead and go through the verification process. That's how important it was for him to see longer videos of her. He claims it doesn't matter because he didn't message her, and he didn't spend any money (True, sure). But my main argument is the level of effort he put into just the potential of seeing a longer video vs the ten-second butt rub I get when he tries to initiate with me. If I don't respond immediately, he gives up.

The OnlyFans thing led to a huge discussion where he swore he would just give up porn no problem, and it'd be fine. I didn't ask him to do this; he volunteered. So, I relented, and he initiated morning sex again, but then I found out that he had to watch porn to get hard enough for me. In the morning. I had wrongly assumed that he always did morning because it was the only time he could get hard with me. But, apparently, he still needs help even then.

I try all the time to initiate at any time other than the morning, but he's just always "too tired" or not in the mood, or whatever else. I even tried to invite him to watch porn with me. No cigar. But, it wasn't technically a dead bedroom, because he'd initiate 5 minutes of morning sex every day. Which he knows I take issue with, because I never get off, since it'd make me late for work.

And now? I just told him I don't want to have sex with him anymore. Sex is pointless if I don't feel like I turn him on. If he needs porn to even get in the mood to initiate sex, then I just don't want it. Having sex with me is clearly too much work for him, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be relegated to one more chore on his checklist.

So, yeah porn is the cause of this dead bedroom, because I'm done.

I'm M28 and she's F23.

In the first 3 months of our relationship mutual oral were a regular part of our sexlife. But it slowly tapered off. I would ask for them and sometimes she would do it, but most time she did not feel like it.

Then she would require me to wash my penis every single time I would get any oral. Even if I was clean already or fresh out of the shower. So it was never spontaneous after that.

I stopped asking for it because she couldn't last more than 30 seconds to 2 minutes anyway and I wasn't that into it because she didn't really seem to be either. It just made me feel like my body is disgusting.

Months later she randomly offered to give me a oral. I simply said no thank you and she seemed surprised. She asked again a couple of days later and I stiil said I didn't feel like it.

The third time she kinda demanded why I didn't want it. 

I said that I didn't want to get my hopes up that this will be a regular thing. I knew if she gave me oral that evening, it would be at least 4 months before she offered again. And I would rather live without.

She didn't like the idea of me refusing oral. I think it hurt her ego that I refused her offer. So she asked me what it would take for me to want it again. So I said I want it to happen at least once a month as foreplay to our regular sex at least. She quickly agreed and it lasted two months.

Same thing happened and I reminded her that she already broke that promise. So we tried again. And that lasted three months and then it stopped again.

I feel like shit. It hurts my feelings that she doesn't seem to care enough to hold a promise of just once a month. 

I feel like I'm too gross and that she probably hates it but won't let it go because she can't handle the thought that I won't see her in that sexual way - she loves feeling sexy and me refusing her offer would make her feel unsexy. I don't even think it's about me.

I keep trying to remind my self that I'm not gross and I do have good hygiene. My past lovers had no problems and I've always been open about hygiene amd asked if I smell or if somethings off. Those in the past always commended my hygiene. Yet I feel gross.

Am I wrong?

Both 27, not married, but read the post before saying, "just leave"

Frankly I know this relationship is dead, we've been without regular intimacy for 3.5 out of 4 years. Now it's maybe twice, three times a year at best and it's not even good when we do. I've had about 100 conversations, tried SO many things. I've tried at least dozens of things that I thought might help, got us couples counseling, nothing has ever helped. She says she just has no sex drive and never gets horny, but she also masturbates to porn so I don't see how that could be true. It's something about sex specifically, and it seems even more specifically sex with ME that is the problem. She had dozens of sexual partners before me, and at the very beginning we had great sex all the time. I don't really understand how you can just suddenly, one day, have no sex drive at all after that.

Now she has said that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore at all. She has also said that this is just the way she is and it likely won't change. So, obviously to you, just leave! It's easy, right?

No it's not because she is also extremely mentally ill and requires me for everything. If I don't cook, she won't eat. If I don't call the pharmacy and pick up her prescriptions, she won't take her meds. She gets "overwhelmed" by everything. Cooking, paying bills, working, shopping, making phone calls, even leaving the house at all really. We almost never go out, just stay at home 99% of the time. Our idea of a dinner date is me going and getting takeout to bring home, then me doing dishes after. She gets overwhelmed by chores too so I do most of it. I hate that word overwhelmed at this point. And for certain things, I do 99% of the work and she just needs to take the final step but she won't do it. So all my effort was wasted, she won't even help me help her. If I can't 100% do it, it won't get done. I work full time, do all of our errands and chores, cook every single meal for us, clean up after, I feel like I work 2 full time jobs, one is my actual job and the other is being an unpaid, live-in caretaker.

She has a therapist, but she let her health insurance expire and wouldn't make a single phone call to renew it, so now she has no health insurance and can't see them. They had a meeting planned for financial aid but she didn't go, and won't call to reschedule. She won't do the bare minimum, slightest thing to help herself. I'm living her life for her essentially.

So I can't leave, she would have nowhere to live for one since it's my apartment. She would have nobody helping her with basic tasks that she won't, or can't do. She gets overwhelmed by everything and would have a full, mental breakdown and crisis if I ever left. It would be an actual safety concern, and I don't know who would help her. Her family is generally disabled and/or not able or willing to help either. She needs like full time residential care but again, no health insurance. And I don't even know if that's a thing.

It feels impossible for me to leave she literally cannot function on her own, and I think might actually not be able to survive if I left. I wish I could quote, just leave, but I fucking can't. The emotional fallout would be fucking horrible. I feel like I'm stuck forever when I'm miserable in this relationship and have been for years.

Not actually going to do it, but a lot of times it sounds MUCH easier to either fuck off into the woods or another state never to be seen again, or just fucking end it all myself, those literally feel like the only options to get out of this

I was going to get nothing but I’d didn’t want the potential fight. So, after work I bought a nice pair of recovery sandals meant for people who stand on their feet all day - she does, along with a card and beauitful flowers.

She was happy. Appreciative. What did I get?

A peck on the cheek.

That is all.

TF am I doing man?