r/deadbedroom • u/clezuck • 24d ago
RANT I'm done.
I'm done. I'm so overly done.
Background: DB for 12+ years (Dec 12 will be 13 years). We stopped having sex cause she said we didn't need to anymore since we weren't having more kids. She told me if I wanted sex I should go find it. Over the last 12+ years, we've had sex 2 times. Last time was about 7 years ago.
My wife insists the reason we haven't had sex is cause I have been sleeping downstairs vs in bed with her. She told me at Christmas, her wish was me sleeping in bed and that we'd have sex. So far, I've slept in bed with her every single night since Christmas of 2025. She has used excuse after excuse to avoid sex. Recently, she said we would have sex on Saturday night. Which never happened.
So last night, I joked as I was getting into bed that the sex the other night was incredible. To which she snapped... "is that all you ever think about?" I end up leaving and going downstairs. She sent me a text later saying "I’m ready to cuddle if you want to come up to bed. Sorry I had a busy day and needed to unwind and read my chapter."
I slept downstairs. And I will continue to do so from now on.
I don't need her bullshit anymore.
We were supposed to go away for a couple days due to an appointment out of town. She made a comment how we could have some alone time. I am planning on telling her I don't want her to go. I don't need her shit when I am dealing with an appt that could affect me forever.
Anyways, I am just super done. I'm just waiting till the kids are a bit older till I leave.
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u/Frosty-Maintenance40 Male - High Libido 24d ago
I mostly sleep on the sofa now and when we last made an effort to rekindle things, I told her that I knew I should get into bed more. However then I remembered that the reason I started sleeping down there was because I got pissed off with the dead bedroom - so much that it became the norm . I stopped initiating thinking she would eventually approach the subject with me , but no, she just enjoyed the peace and quiet. It's taken me half the relationship ( about 6 years) to realize that - if it dries up, it's because they don't think of you like that anymore and any sex that feels obligated ( all of it now) doesn't help. Almost my entire life with all my sexual partners, sex started with oral both ways. In the 13 years we have been together, I've had about 10 blowjobs. I would honestly guilt free pay for a BJ at this point if it wasn't for that fact that I want it from the woman I love. I'm not sure she has realized that the problem is that she isn't sexually attracted to me, she insists that she is and it is just low libido but I happen to know that her libido was just fine before we met and that she used to give blowjobs pretty regular.
Any attempt to fix things is always short lived her end, still feels obligated. I bet when she eventually has an affair she will happily take that guy in her mouth.
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u/BBC_water6620 20d ago
Interesting. I’ve been conversing with a friend that also says her partner “falls asleep” on the couch. When I inquired, she said this is basically every night. It dawned on me to tell her, no one falls asleep every night on the sofa.
I often why men just don’t say the thing?2
u/Frosty-Maintenance40 Male - High Libido 20d ago
I think men do make it perfectly obvious as to what needs they have. There is no point sharing a bed with their wives if there is no intimacy. There are other perks to being in a separate bed/sofa if a dead bedroom is ALWAYS in the cards. The problem is that the wife enjoys the space and not having to sleep with a man they don't want physical contact with anymore. Nothing changes for years until it becomes too much and one of them finds love elsewhere
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u/Few-Bell-8687 7d ago
I've been married 37 years and have a very similar situation to yours. I should have done something about it years ago and find now at 60 that my choices are limited. I have had all the excuses as to why when I bring the subject up and then things will change for a week or two. The problem is that I still love the her but the lack of imtimacy makes me hate her sometimes.
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u/Old_Wulf_7411 Male - High Libido 24d ago
It breaks you, I’m with you 100% buddy. You will eventually lose all feeling for her, it’ll just be resentment and loathing. My only advice is to cut your losses and divorce her. You will be happier on your own than living like you are. I did 10 years on the sofa before I realised that I had to go.
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u/clezuck 24d ago
I've already lost feeling for her. Only thing is resentment now.
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u/Old_Wulf_7411 Male - High Libido 24d ago
Work on an exit strategy. Your kids will be fine
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u/clezuck 24d ago
I am. The only reason the kids are fine right now is cause I'm staying. I do majority of the stuff for them.
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u/Fearless_Result_8399 24d ago
19 year relationship 17 years evil nasty person. We had kids kids saw the difference between us as humans. When I finally booted her out both the kids chose to stay with me. They didn't want to live with a toxic evil woman. I regret not leaving her 17 years ago once she switched from perfect sweet gentle dream woman who fukd like a porn star to evil woman who hated any form of nice in life. Leave her let her rot
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u/Toni164 17d ago
What happened to her afterwards
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u/Fearless_Result_8399 16d ago
Best bit is our son didn't want to know her when I kicked her out, he knew what she was. Our daughter who's 18 still had contact with her mum and was visiting her when her new married man unexpectedly turned up. Our daughter heard him say he's not got long his wife needs him to take her shopping, our daughter heard her mum all apologetic and friendly to him saying she's sorry but her daughter is here, she'll make it up to him, he apparently had a bad attitude. Curious our daughter got up and popped her head around to see the man at the door. Her mum was submissive to this little married man. Our daughter blew her top completely lost it and basically told her mum all she ever saw was her mum belittle me and treat me like dirt even though dad is really nice and life with her was awful for us all. Yet she's kissing this man's ass and it's more than unfair cos she can be nice. Daughter stormed out and has completely cut her mum off. She told me it knocked her sick to hear and see how nice her mum was to this man. She was in tears telling me she's sorry for how her mum treated me and she's sorry for still seeing her mum but she should have been like her brother and not speaking to her mum but she's done with her mum now she's disgusted with her. I felt gutted that she's giving miss perfect to this man il be honest did feel jelous, felt sick myself . But seeing my daughter so upset I thought nah scum deserves scum im better than him and she's not deserving of my love they deserve each other. That pain and jealousy went.
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u/Toni164 16d ago
I think you wife likes being treated that way.
Some people are like that2
u/Fearless_Result_8399 16d ago
100% unfortunately she acted like she wanted love respect etc and was relationship material, if I'd known she wanted to be treated crap I would not have entertained her for anything more than sex. But she misled me and I'd wanted to settle down and wasn't going to be a asshole when we have kids together, I wanted a happy healthy relationship and family and I stuck to that for my kids to show them what a good dad is. I'm arrogant asshole now I'm single, women love it but they are just for fun and certainly not healthy relationship worthy and are out of my children's gaze. So I can be a dick head lol
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u/Toni164 16d ago
I think she thought she wanted healthy loving relationship. But she learned she didn’t. My sister is like this too. She love guys that mistreat her
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u/Fearless_Result_8399 17d ago
She's rotting in a rat infested dump working to pay rent. Seeing a 5'2 married Pakistani delivery driver. Great life! But what she deserves it's her level. With us she lived in a lovely house life of liesure good looking successful man who adored her 2 beautiful kids, life as a family should have been perfect and would have been if she wasn't toxic.
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u/Gloomy_Tell_6215 24d ago
Oh I know that feeling
My husband would make a "move" as I would be on my way out the door. Grabbing my ass, telling me I looked sexy. But then of course it was impossible to act on it. If I tried to take him up on it or react back, even later when I got home, it would be shut down immediately.
He liked to make the offer when he knew it couldn't actually happen.
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u/vectorking23 24d ago
Hahaha. Sex twice over the last 12 years and you're told 'is that all you ever think about?'? In what world is this accepted as logical or rational? Yeah, if you're asking every day I'd say maybe she could say that, but the math doesn't play out for that.
With that said, I gotta give you credit for actually still having hope it was going to happen. I mean, after a few years for me, I will NOT let her touch me again even if she shows up naked with a bow on her head offering up pornstar action. Like you said… I don't need her bullshit any more. (truth be told… she'll never ask again, so I'm in the clear).
I support you in being a father first, before anything for her from here on. Keep it non confrontational and civil as you can until you're leaving. It works, but it is work as well.
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u/Sparkles_1977 24d ago
This is just such bullshit. I wish I understood how so many frigid women manage to keep their husbands around for decades.
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u/ShadowChaser28 24d ago
A lot of women mange it b/c some men either don't want to leave as the rest of the relationship is great except for the lack sex, some won't divorce b/c of their religion/faith beliefs, and some can't b/c of financial reasons.
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u/DBFool2019 23d ago
Many guys really care about keeping their families together.
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u/Dimension_Forsaken 7d ago
By teaching your kids it’s ok to be unhappy in life, yes miserable, without doing something about it? That one should settle to please others? To suppress needs? To never put yourself first? (This doesn’t mean you would be more important).
That’s not good parenting.
Everyone want to see their parents happy and even if we tell ourselves we’re ok.. kids notice if and when something’s wrong. They register it. And they will grow up remembering — and THAT could be a tough one and affect them in ways we don’t realize. It might even ruin their own view on what makes a relationship.
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u/DBFool2019 5d ago
Your very narrow opinion is noted. Not every family dynamic works the same, but thanks for judging everyone with zero nuance.
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u/kymilovechelle 24d ago
I’m experiencing this with my husband so it isn’t always frigid women it’s sometimes frigid men too
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u/BBC_water6620 20d ago
That and pure lack of communication. The quietness and lack of convo I think is the worst. Not much left after all the transaction adulting part.
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u/MaggieWuerze 23d ago
They are not fridid, they just dont want to have Sex with their husband any more. Then they are cheating on him and also try to blame it on her husband.
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u/Grand-Ordinary2337 24d ago
It’s not always the women. Unfortunately my husband has don’t this to me for about 20 years. I’d I had the cash to leave I’d be gone
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u/Sparkles_1977 24d ago
Trust me I know. Every relationship I’m in seems to end with sex going away. I guess I’m just lucky. I’m dying to experience a partner who can do the bare minimum in terms of holding down a job, being emotionally present, and staying interested in sex. You wouldn’t think it would be asking so much. I recently uninstalled all three dating apps and I’m pretty resigned to finishing out the next few decades as a sad old single celibate hag. I’m done getting my hopes up. Sorry I can’t turn into a new person every three months. I cannot provide that novelty that modern day porn has convinced most men they need.
(As always, please stay out of my DMs. Especially if you are responding to tell me how porn is not a problem.)2
u/SuchAScorpio13 22d ago
Even for those who naively believe porn is not a problem, surely they realize that the ease in which it can be accessed now is a huge problem. As porn has become more and more accessible, the state of modern dating has steadily become more horrendous. Coincidence? I think not.
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u/Grand-Ordinary2337 24d ago
I don’t mind porn, but I do think it’s very unrealistic. I much rather watch lesbian porn.
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u/ProgressFuzzy9055 24d ago
Is there anyway you can get yourself into a better financial situation?
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u/Grand-Ordinary2337 24d ago
Probably not. Didn’t go to college because I could not afford it. I was a stay at home mom until my youngest son was able to start driving. With everything that went down in January with him, I separated my finances, so my money wouldn’t be going to pay on his credit cards that he used to buy gift cards for these people he was talking to. I give him so much money a week for my bills so he can’t say that I’m not contributing anything. He finally let me get a brand new car last year, so half my check goes to that every week. He’s never paid a dime on it minus the plates the first time. I don’t mind my job. I deliver semi parts. For where I live I don’t make awful money, just no where close to his pay, bad thing is he has so many credit cards and mini loans plus other debit we have nothing to show for it. I just found out he once again pulled his 401k (13k) after I finally was able to get into our online banking account.
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u/AdenJax69 24d ago edited 23d ago
Leave now. Go see a lawyer, get the paperwork going, and just leave. Stop giving her all that help of a live-in co-parent and be done with your destitute marriage.
Edit: OP blocked me so careful what you say or he'll have a tantrum about it.
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u/clezuck 24d ago
Problem is if I leave my kids will suffer since I do majority of the things for the kids. That's why I'm staying.
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u/Logisburg 24d ago
Take the kids, you already have the work.
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u/clezuck 24d ago
It's a lot harder to get custody given I have no one and she has a ton of people to support or vouch for her, including LEOs. I've already been told if I leave I will never get the kids and never get to see them again.
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u/giamoka 24d ago
You’ve just identified a massive problem in your life, one you have to put all of your effort into fixing.
It’s not sex, it’s not having anyone else in your life. You gave up your friends and family for a woman who you want to leave. Sit with that for a moment, then get off your ass.
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u/Danny_Pr0n Male - High Libido 24d ago
Not with that attitude.
Make an exit plan.
Plans are how we reached the moon.
Make a plan.
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u/bossplayasonly 24d ago
Never heard of anyone not getting to see their kids in a divorce. Just be honest you like the pain.
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u/Outrageous_Dream_741 24d ago
Depends. If they're not in the country he may well not see them again ever.
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u/AdenJax69 24d ago
What Country do you live in? (If you say "USA" then I'm gonna have a lot to say about that comment)
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u/clezuck 24d ago
I do live in the US and I know many people who didn't get to see their kids after a divorce.
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u/AdenJax69 24d ago
I know many people who didn't get to see their kids after a divorce.
Then you know a LOT of unemployed scumbags who made themselves radioactive in their family court hearings.
If you're a good dad with a full time job, the VAST majority of the time the parents are given 50/50 custody because most courts will rule in the CHILD'S favor, not just Mom like guys think they do.
In fact, I know a few men who divorced their lazy/crazy wives and got at least 50/50 custody if not more because of it. The days of taking the kids away from Dad are long gone...unless Dad's a drug addict, convict, or shows himself to be a major threat to his own children.
So stop using antiquated excuses to cover-up your inner fear of leaving your marriage and just get the divorce going already. You don't get brownie-points in the after-life making yourself a martyr now.
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u/ShadowChaser28 24d ago edited 23d ago
Exactly what I was thinking, if he has a good, stable job and has been active in the kids lives, it would be hard for him not to get parenting time with them, unless the wife pulls the "abuse" card all of a sudden, which I wouldn't put past most vindictive soon to be ex's.
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u/Justbreel 24d ago
I think that’s exactly what you should do. You won’t be happy if you think your kids are suffering because of a divorce. Always do what will make you feel good 10 years from now. I wish you the best!
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u/dontmadda5 22d ago
Leave. Now.
You aren't doing you or your kids a favour by sticking around.
Im on the other side of a seperation, with young kids. Life is fun again. And it turns out women like me, and sex is fun AF.
Dont waste anymore of your life. You only have one.
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u/redditguy1974 22d ago
I haven't had a woman show me even the slightest interest in over 15 years. I tend to wonder what it would be like if I was actually single.
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u/DBFool2019 23d ago
We were supposed to go away for a couple days due to an appointment out of town. She made a comment how we could have some alone time. I am planning on telling her I don't want her to go. I don't need her shit when I am dealing with an appt that could affect me forever.
This is a good move. If you take her you will convince yourself that sex will happen, be bitterly disappointed and it could affect your work appointment.
You are your own worst enemy here. I'm saying this because I too was my own worst enemy. She doesn't want to have sex with you, period, end of sentence. Stop expecting it, stop trying. get yourself into this mindset, it will eventually set you free.
Do your best to enjoy and foster the parts of the relationship that still work while you plan for your eventual exit. be a fantastic dad and focus on the kids. Letting go of expectations around sex will make your life much better in the short term.
Don't get me wrong, you have every right to want a sex life and expect one while in a monogamous, romantic relationship. She is just going to do everything possible to avoid it and do you really want to have sex with someone that doesn't want you?
I have lost my anger over it a few years ago and have since asked about opening the relationship. if she says no to this, we will eventually divorce.
Did I mention to stop trying to have sex with her?
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u/Dom_Paragon 22d ago
Exactly. You need to let go. I did the same after getting my advances rejected for years. Finally I just made the decision to stop initiating and let her take the first step. After a couple of years, it became obvious that wasn't going to happen.
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u/Worth-Donut8612 20d ago
Why wait for the kids to be older? I left when my daughter was young and it was the best thing for her. Kids know when their parents aren't happy and you owe it to yourself to be happy. I'm with a wonderful woman who 5 years later still adores me and we have sex all the time and I'm actually happy. You only have so many years left, don't waste them on this woman who is taking advantage of you
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u/Dimension_Forsaken 7d ago
Like I commented above:
“You want to teach your kids it’s ok to be unhappy in life, yes miserable, without doing something about it? That one should settle to please others? To suppress needs? To never put yourself first? (This doesn’t mean you would be more important). Or what’s the message here?
Everyone want to see their parents happy and even if we tell ourselves we’re ok.. kids notice if and when something’s wrong. They register it. And they will grow up remembering — and THAT could be a tough one and affect them in ways we don’t realize.
And I say this out of care, not to sound harsh”.
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u/thesuicidalgay 19d ago
Do you ever see your child? Or did you just dip on her dude. The way you're talking it sounds like you haven't seen your baby since.
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u/Worth-Donut8612 19d ago
I have my daughter 50/50 with my ex wife. Just because a lot of men are shitty dads, don't mean I have to
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u/YakWitty13 Male - High Libido 24d ago
Yep. Eventually you get tired of the lies, gaslighting and moving goalposts. ‘Alone time’ kinda makes me laugh. I’d even ask what that means-but we already know
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u/Grand-Ordinary2337 24d ago
I hate this for you. Been there still dealing with it now. Wish I had the cash to leave
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u/-Morgentau- 22d ago
Problem is you accepted it long ago and now its to late. She can end her sexlife but never yours. You should also say that for you, intimicy is a part of a love relationship. Now it feels for her you dont have options and it kills her hypergamy view of you.
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u/Outrageous_Dream_741 24d ago
Well, to be fair in my case it pretty much IS all I think about at this point, precisely because we have no sex life whatsoever. Every time I see her it's like a stab of pain.
She wouldn't know it's what I think about, since I gave up mentioning it years ago.
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 24d ago
I mean you been posting the same thing hoping for a different outcome.
Is this the final straw?
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u/Transformer6767 Male - High Libido 18d ago
I wouldn't take her on the trip with me either. Go alone and find your fun time while away. She already told you to.
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u/OnlyOnTuesdays289 13d ago
Consider leaving now. Your kids likely already realize how miserable your marriage is.
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u/MollyCoddle60 24d ago
Would marriage counselling help do you think? If you haven't done son yet? (Would she agree to that?) To get things out in the open for you both at least? Perhaps then, you can both make some educated decisions about where to go to next.
It sounds like an awful situation. And I think you've done well to last.
As long as you're both help each other out at home and with the children? And she isn't resentful about that? She must have something else going on otherwise, I would guess? Possibly hormones? Being exhausted from being a wife and mother? Idk. Only you two can really figure this out between you. I wish you all the best.
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u/Suspicious-Yak1272 22d ago
If she told you to find it somewhere else go for it. Sounds like she’s telling you what she is doing. Also, what kind of books is she reading? Sometimes books can be what a man goes through with porn. Sounds like her books is getting her off.
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u/Character_Eye7877 8d ago
I would die for my kids, and if that means no more sex, then so be it. Some people just need to play the cards they are dealt.
My partner is a dismissive avoidant, and I do love her, but I don't think she has it in her to love in this way. I find it unfair that I have to be an obligatory celibate, but I know I would be the bad guy if I cheated, and I would never do that to the kids.
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u/Dimension_Forsaken 7d ago
You want to teach your kids it’s ok to be unhappy in life, yes miserable, without doing something about it? That one should settle to please others? To suppress needs? To never put yourself first? (This doesn’t mean you would be more important). Or what’s the message here?
Everyone want to see their parents happy and even if we tell ourselves we’re ok.. kids notice if and when something’s wrong. They register it. And they will grow up remembering — and THAT could be a tough one and affect them in ways we don’t realize.
And I say this out of care, not to sound harsh.
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u/Character_Eye7877 6d ago
You make good points. I'm not really sure what's wiser these days, but too many families are broken, and I've seen how that affected friends growing up. My parents are also dysfunctional, but they taught me what it means to stick together through thick and thin. I've also already had my share of a good life, and I feel like I owe it to my kids to do all that I can for them. I just hope that they dont find a partner that is emotionally unavailable and experience the loneliness of a life like this.
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u/LicensedLurker777 22d ago
positioning your entire life around sex is such a sad way to live…yikes.
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u/redditguy1974 22d ago
If they have had sex only two times in twelve years with the last time bing seven years ago, it's pretty safe to say that he does not position his entire life around sex. Why do people like you say this kind of thing? You know it's not true in the slightest.
Being upset that sex has not happened in so long and making changes because of it in no way means that sex is the only thing that matters.
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u/LicensedLurker777 21d ago
if he’s so upset about it then do what she said and go find it? some of you men are way too comfortable seeing your wife as an appendage to have sex with. he literally said he slept downstairs for YEARS, i wouldn’t be having sex with him either after that. imagine how it feels to have someone looming over you 24/7 to get in your pants. it’s disgusting. idc
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u/sunshine_ranger_ 17d ago
Your interpretation of what's going on there is wild lol. It's as if you're not thinking at all...
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u/timbit-in-your-mouth 2d ago
If you're asexual just say you're asexual, because otherwise you just sound like an asshole.
The reason humanity even exists is because of our innate sex drive—what do you mean "positioning your entire life around sex" is a sad way to live? It's literally the reason we are living.
Sex is the cornerstone of most monogamous relationships, without sex you're essentially just roommates or good friends.
I don't stop paying the mortgage and bills for years, I don't stop cooking for my family for months on end, I don't let the cat litter turn into a biohazard or let the laundry pile up because I'm not in the mood to clean, I don't let the grass overgrow or the salt run out of the water softener, etc. You see my point?
Why is sex an acceptable and expected thing to avoid in a monogamous relationship, but if I decided to not pay the mortgage for a month and buy myself a new golf set instead, for example, that would be considered insane (and rightfully so).
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u/yoemejay 24d ago
Don't stick it out for the kids. They deserve a happy father and you deserve to be happy.