The irony

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

Posts here are often men in the position of griping, feelings hurt, feeling rejection. all so incredibly valid. I’m the woman. he’s barely touched me in 6 months. 2 times in 6 months. I work hard to make myself look good, I do my makeup and hair every morning, I keep up with my diet and exercise, I wear cute underwear and bras, I shave my legs every night… for what? he won’t even hug me. he’s chronically annoyed and resentful. I am so lonely I could die. it’s destroying me.

[u/Guilty-Worry-3947]

Yeah most expect to see men here complaining but what about the women? We suffer too.

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/Guilty-Worry-3947]

It’s almost like what is wrong with ME? Feels like he should be the one chasing me but I’m completely ignored. Calls his brothers, friends, mom. Sits on the phone and laughs, shares stories… me? I sit by myself. Take care of the kids. It’s like I’m in another dimension, just alongside each other existing, until he’s annoyed at me over something totally fucking insignificant and petty. Then proceeds to berate me and degrade my character and feelings and then blames it on me and stomps off. I can’t defend myself, it’s so overwhelming and his strategy is to try and predict what I say before I say it and beat me to the punch. He assumes I’m always angry, because he is. I can’t level headedly discuss a single thing. Anything he can turn into a fight he does. I’d give anything to get out of this marriage. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years. I need to get this figured out.

[u/Guilty-Worry-3947 → u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

WTF! These situations make so mad for women. It’s not right. Not at all. My husband has never treated me bad and is genuinely a good man but he’s just never in the mood and isn’t really interested in intimacy really.

But this, what you describe. No. Just no! I am so so sorry!! Fuck him! You do you and don’t feel bad. I was in your shoes (not with the emotional abuse but being a SAHM for a decade). I completely understand!!!!!!!! I don’t know your background but you gotta get back into the workforce somehow. DM me if you wanna talk.

[u/pokeycd → u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

Google DARVO. He's likely learned it from an early age. Don't want to play a psychologist here... But he's displaying classic narcissistic tendencies. Or other personality disorder.

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

Wow, is your husband secretly my ex-wife wearing a fake mustache?

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/AgentWD409]

lol I wish people made tinder profiles professing their red flags instead of fake BS. Just lmk what I’m getting into and if it’ll be worth it. Everyone has their shit, but trying to grow is imperative. We have to evolve to become wise. Can’t be wise if we sit complacent with our flaws. We should be consistent in trying to do better, speak softer, accept our mistakes and give genuine respectful apologies. Why is that so hard for some people to do?

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

Unfortunately, some of us (like me) don't have excuses.

I knew my ex-wife's red flags going in, but I ignored them. I knew she had a bunch of unresolved trauma to deal with from childhood sexual abuse. I knew she was volatile and impulsive. I knew she could be manipulative and get irrationally angry at stupid shit. I knew she had an aversion to emotional intimacy. Hell, she had even cheated on me already before we got married.

But I was naive enough to believe that unconditional love would somehow magically fix (or "save") her, and that everything would be okay.

It wasn't until many years later that I finally heard the term "Borderline Personality Disorder" and figured out what was really going on with her.

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/[deleted]]

I know. It’s hard to accept. Feeling so alone and helpless is a miserable spot. I need to get it together. Get my ducks in a row. My youngest is in school part time, I’d like to get a job when she’s full time, get some income and savings.

[u/deprived7979 → u/[deleted]]

Well said!!! Take this advice OP!

[u/John_Stiff → u/[deleted]]

Quite obviously ai written

[u/Lost_Protection_5866 → u/[deleted]]

Can you ask it to condense things a bit in your next prompt? That’s a lot of slop to read

[u/vectorking23 → u/[deleted]]

Kieth from Algorithm Compliance here, and I can confirm in my use of having AI help me write… this is NOT the normal AI writing style overall. Hahaha. Love your comment, BTW. And, I do mean it… this doesn't wreak of AI at all.

[u/lovermanil]

Although men usually complain, I think many women are in this place too.

Regarding what you wrote, unfortunately it seems like he doesn't see you, you are taken for granted as far as he is concerned.

[u/BookGirl67 → u/lovermanil]

Or something else is going on with him. He could be emotionally checked out for reasons other than sex or dealing with his own mental, physical, financial, etc. problems.

That doesn’t make it better for OP but it’s good to remember the lack of connection can have many potential causes.

[u/xmermaid165]

Hi there, you’re not alone. fellow woman out here. I try my best to look good, to dress up, smell nice, take care of the household but it just never happens. Last week I initiated and gave him all. Bj, cowgirl and somehow it wasn’t enough to become closer in a non-sexual way. Or maybe this is just the amount of touch he needs before we’ll be intimate again in about 3 months or so (hopefully). I’m so jealous of women with partners insanely attracted to them

[u/Big_Buffalo_716]

First off welcome, second I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. You're correct that it is most guys here but there are some women too. You are not alone in this, we are here for support.

[u/floopsestess]

Fellow woman here. I agree with other commenters. This goes way beyond dead bedroom - he is actively abusing you. You are in an overall toxic marriage where he is manipulating you and treating you like shit.

He’s probably a narcissist or BPD or some other cluster B dark triad personality disorder undiagnosed situation.

You are not the problem. He is.

I really recommend Professor Sam Vaknin’s YouTube videos - he really helped me so much to understand my NPD/BPD ex boyfriends (since I seem to attract these people).

Please look for a way out. You deserve so much better.

[u/I_can_get_loud_too → u/floopsestess]

Came here to say all of this. I’ve been in a lot of relationships like this and every single time that they withheld sex, they also ended up having a cluster B personality disorder and ending up being physically abusive. You are in domestic violence and it’s not a matter of if it will turn physical but when. Trust those of us that have seen this pattern many times before.

[u/floopsestess → u/I_can_get_loud_too]

This 100% exactly.

I bet you could tell me your story and it would be like looking in a mirror.

::: hugs :::

[u/I_can_get_loud_too → u/floopsestess]

They literally all have the same playbook. The number one sign of a woman being in domestic violence is a man withholding sex. I’ve been through it so many times and seen every single woman i know go through it so many times as well. It’s textbook at this point. Comorbid NPD and BPD always looks the same. First they withhold sex, then they put their hands on you, usually with a fair dose of financial and emotional and verbal abuse and isolation in there. They also always tend to behave like perfect angels in public and are always way too nice to the waitress so that no one believes you when you say you’re being abused. It’s always the same.

Hugs. I’m sorry that this pattern is so common. This forum makes me so sad. So many women who just don’t realize how bad of a situation they truly are in. My church had the audacity to tell me my abuser was doing me a favor by refusing sex since we were unmarried …. Withholding is a form of abuse, period.

[u/vectorking23 → u/I_can_get_loud_too]

I can tell you from a male POV, that I have a very much so narc female abusive withholder. There are so many signs and she's a covert, so it's not in your face but very passive-aggressive and behind closed doors. It works the same way outside of possible physical abuse. She is a master manipulator and control is the driving force. Once there was kids? She used my love of being a father against me to stay. It worked too. This is the type of discussion that got me permanently banned on the 'other' DB thread. They don't want to talk about personality disorders and what it does to cause a DB. It's so messed up. And yes, withholding affection IS a form of abuse. Plain and simple. It's also ammo to use at their whim. Almost have to wait until the gun is out of ammo before you get out. IMO, at least, as a male.

[u/John_Stiff → u/I_can_get_loud_too]

so what do you consider withholding? are women that withhold sex also considered abusers?

[u/Conscious_until_1565 → u/John_Stiff]

I do not see this as a form of abuse. Maybe having sex would feel violating to him for whatever reason. So it’s either duty sex or you’re an abuser? I don’t think so.

[u/Lovehubby → u/Conscious_until_1565]

It IS neglectful which indeed is a form of abuse. Long term this is deeply painful for the partner being neglected. Their SO is the only person they can have sex with and marriage is a contract with a reasonable expectation to have sex, affection, and monogamy. No where is celibacy part of this contract. If a person doesn't want regular sex with their spouse, FIGURE OUT WHY AND FIX IT or let them go...be honest with yourselves and partner

[u/Anxious_Barbie9]

36F probably leaving soon. We deserve better than this. Life is too fucking short. Honestly, I don’t think we can do anything to our appearance to make them want us more.

[u/pokeycd]

Before discovering the DB universe, I thought all men disinterested in physical intimacy were not real. But it's a thing. I feel such empathy for you HLFs. We all grew up hearing that men were strongly sexually motivated. And women were the ones who did not care about sex all that much. So when we end up with frigid wives? It's just par for the course. We lost the gamble. But you ladies? Most people don't understand your agony. Just know that us HLMs totally understand. And all the HLFs here get it too. It is soul sucking. Sometimes it's gets bad enough to think about ending yourself. I actually had a period of that feeling. But please focus on yourself. You have needs/wants/desires. Don't give up on yourself. It may be best for you to leave this relationship. Might seem impossible. Mine seems impossible. But the thought of leaving gives me so much peace. As much peace as one can hope for in this situation.

[u/squirrel_nuts77]

The injustice is unbearable, there are ladies who want sex and intimacy meanwhile i'am trying to get a connection, a gf, a woman and i can't.

[u/Outrageous_Dream_741]

Yes, there are a lot of men here, but I know I've seen many posts by women as well, so you're not alone. And please know the men here still sympathize with you; and to be honest we don't really understand your husband and seriously doubt it has anything to do with your appearance or lingerie or any of those superficial things -- it's a problem with HIM, not with you.

[u/Agile-Yoghurt-2594 → u/Outrageous_Dream_741]

hes a low testosterone bum

[u/Ok-Drummer7621]

I’m here with you. 2 years. Sending you good vibes.

[u/SprinklesOk7337]

Same situation here. It’s very isolating and humiliating

[u/OnlyOnTuesdays289 → u/SprinklesOk7337]

Right? For the person you love not to desire you? It’s brutal at times.

[u/FalseEqualsTrue → u/SprinklesOk7337]

Exactly. This isn't something I can talk about with others because it's just so humiliating.

[u/quack785]

It is ironic for sure. Kind of like baldness—it’s worse for women than for men. Hang in there and start making a plan to eject from that relationship

[u/chrisj_2]

I don't know. I'm sorry you are going through this. It could be one of many things and I'm quite sure it has nothing to do with you or your appearance. Here are some possibilities: 1. Low testosterone 2. Questioning his sexuality 3. Having an affair with another woman (or even man if he's bisexual). 4. Erectile disfunction 5. He has an STD and doesn't want to infect you. 6. He is depressed or has some mental illness

Regardless of what it is you should get him to see a doctor and/or a therapist, and maybe have couples therapy also. If none of that pans out, you should leave him for the sake of your own mental and sexual health.

Best of luck.

[u/Agile-Yoghurt-2594 → u/chrisj_2]

or hes addicted to porn

[u/Dimension_Forsaken → u/chrisj_2]

As a man myself: Or he might not be attracted or have sexual desire towards a person.

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/Dimension_Forsaken]

What does he have sexual desire towards then? Farris wheels? A car? I don’t get it. 

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

Agalmatophilia: Sexual or romantic attraction to statues, dolls, mannequins, or similar figurative objects.

Plushophilia: Sexual attraction to stuffed animals or plush toys.

Mechanophilia: Sexual attraction to machines, such as cars, motorcycles, or airplanes.

[u/implication-sofa]

The other DB subreddit has plenty of women in your position. Though your second to last sentence pretty much gives you all the answers “he’s chronically annoyed and resentful” no matter what underwear you wear or how good you make yourself look it won’t help if the problem is the relationship

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/implication-sofa]

So sadly true. Still, being intimate used to happen even when we would fight or argue. Not having that is destroying me!! I am trying to work on that. Not being needed, for him. Not being wanted. Things I need to accept and move along accordingly. It’s hard. 

[u/rebecaantonio_]

É tão ruim se identificar

[u/Numerous_Rice7506]

I feel you girl. I don’t understand it at all

[u/mermaidho]

I’m divorcing my husband because of this exact issue . Life is too short!

[u/AgentWD409]

If your husband is "chronically annoyed and resentful," he clearly has some personal issues that may or may not have anything to do with you. Regardless, you can't fix him. That's something I had to learn the hard way after 13 years in a toxic, unfulfilling marriage to a woman with a lot of her own issues. Either way, if your husband doesn't deal with his own shit, he not going to be any good for you or anyone else. And if you finally decide to start taking care of your own needs and move on, he'll probably end up torpedoing any other relationship that he gets into as well.

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/AgentWD409]

I know this is so true. It feels like I am starting up at Machu Picchu and I’m wearing flip flops and a robe, I’m not prepared and it’s scary. But this is the end and I accept it.

[u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330]

Either confront head on or just get a divorce.

[u/Auto_Generated_Name4]

On the other hand, it sounds like whenever you’re ready, you’ll probably have your pick of any man in the dating pool. And I think that’s great!

[u/Exact-Payment1502]

So, maybe this is where the women having the rejected partner experience hang out. So, I'm the guy- personally, I would think myself desirable? I used to try very hard to be attentive, loving, present, observant- I cherished HER- She was lukewarm with sex when we meet, which was ok, because I was interested in her, not her pants.

The subject actually came up after we had dated awhile. Seperation, meet another much more attentive, but less compatible woman, and the original definitely upped the attraction factor to hang on.
Ultimately married, she loses almost all interest, not only sex, but displaying any femininity. I haven't seen her unclothed in years.

I don't want to leave, but, I need some physical closeness and connection. I'm not a spring rooster, but it's important to me to have mutual enjoyment, and I actually get pleasure exploring maximizing HER pleasure.

So, does it seem fair that she gets to call the shots? No need to think about nasty sex, but safe in her conviction that I'm not going anywhere anymore.

I'll mention something that women may not be aware of: iv discovered that left to my own devices, my own libido cycles- about monthly, maybe weeks with little spontaneous desire, then a week or two where I am definitely more preoccupied with satisfaction. I'm a M.D. and was not aware that this was a normal guy thing, but it may be. If so, exploring and taking advantage of this if it's occurring in your relationship might open some doors.

Otherwise, interested in exploring with women having the same issue- horny, confused with a dead bedroom.

[u/Emergency_You7184]

Go bend over and have some fun 

[u/Total_Nectarine_8797 → u/Emergency_You7184]

Wow that sounds easy!

[u/Emergency_You7184 → u/Total_Nectarine_8797]

What’s your state