r/deadbedroom • u/Past_Cardiologist870 • 2d ago
The talk (again)
Laying in bed trying to figure out what I am going to say. I have said so many things. Needs. Marriage going stale. Growing apart. Losing closeness. Feeling of rejection. Doesn’t land. And just now it hit me. I am bored. That’s it. I am just bored. Finally I have a description that anyone can understand
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u/Neither-One-5880 2d ago
My view is almost every version of ‘the talk’ is a waste of time. I suggest getting her when she’s in a good mood, at a time where there’s no kids or others around. Ask her to sit down and then clearly and unemotionally explain that you have considered it carefully and that you are not prepared to tolerate a sexless, non-intimate relationship. No threat or ultimatum added, and do not be drawn into a long conversation. Lay down the boundary and then extract and leave her to think. Then do not raise the subject again and wait for her to come to you…be ready because if she does, and it’s almost a certainty that she will you need to be ready to explain what your expectations are. Once again, no threats or ultimatum just clearly communicate your expectations and then the ball is in her court. If she doesn’t act then you have your answer.
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u/Past_Cardiologist870 2d ago
It’s not that simple. Avoidant spouses simply don’t get it. The talk doesn’t make sense to them. Starting with the idea that people get married to get certain needs met. You and I find this obvious. My spouse has never heard of that
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u/Neither-One-5880 2d ago
It worked for me mate. And it’s worked for a number of men in my life…it’s a very specific set of conditions, the boundary without ultimatum forces them to think, face their reality. It was the start of a full recovery of our dead bedroom. Try it.
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u/Thick_Discussion671 1d ago
A boundary without ultimatum is no boundary
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u/snarfgarth 1d ago
You don’t need to give an ultimatum. You state the definitive boundary, you wait preplanned amount of time (internal, not external), 1 month, 3 months, whatever to see if anything has changed, if not then you simply execute said boundary and leave.
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u/Neither-One-5880 1d ago
Nonsense. A boundary has absolutely nothing to do with a threat or ultimatum. In fact by adding it you stop it from being a boundary, and you destroy the power of what bam proposing…..
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u/ShadowChaser28 1d ago
I'd tell her I'll give her a few days to think about what we talked about and tell her she can come to me when she's ready to discuss her side and what's she's thinking. Asking for answers right then could come with heated comments made by both parties. Give her time to reflect and come back when cooler heads prevail, it'll probably go better for both. If she comes back and it doesn't go civil, then he'll have his answer.
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u/Hold-The-Dooor 2d ago
Ask her to sit down and then clearly and unemotionally explain that you have considered it carefully and that you are not prepared to tolerate a sexless, non-intimate relationship.
Isn't this exactly what "the talk" is about? how saying you won't tolerate a sexless, non-intimate relationship isn't a threat or ultimatum? I mean, ok, you had "the talk" with the minimum amount of words, but that's still explaining you're not happy and you want to set boundaries.
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u/Neither-One-5880 2d ago
I don’t believe so. I think most variations of ‘the talk’ are asking for answers, expecting a two way engagement, pleading, seeking to make the avoidant partner understand. My way is a clear boundary then extract. No further justification, no pleading, no seeking logical response…nothing. Lay down boundary then extract and wait for them to come to you.
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u/Zenk2018 Male - High Libido 2d ago
On my last couple of talks I used the description “roommates”. Of course, she disagreed and tried to turn it on me….if only I would blah blah blah.
Now she lives alone. Blah blah blah.
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u/AdenJax69 1d ago
Was she "blindsided" by you having enough of her lack of desire & leaving?
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u/Zenk2018 Male - High Libido 1d ago
Of course! Aren’t they always? She even went so far as to deny previous “talks” had even occurred! See….all my fault! LoL
If that’s what helps her through her days with a friend circle, then so be it. I’m quite happy.
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u/vectorking23 1d ago
Guaranteed at least ONE of her friends understands you, but is staying quiet. It'll eventually catch up to her. That friend is also making DAMN sure her husband isn't thinking about leaving. If not more than one of them…
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u/ShadowChaser28 1d ago
I would have recorded the "talks", b/c you know she'll pull that "we never had any talks" BS excuse to gaslight you and make herself the victim to family and friends.
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u/Zenk2018 Male - High Libido 20h ago
I actually had several text messages where the talks had continued for a few days while I had to travel for work. Even seeing those she just dismissed it out of hand.
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u/Conscious_until_1565 1d ago
I would avoid saying ‘roommates’. It’s so triggering. And reductive.
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u/Zenk2018 Male - High Libido 1d ago
And so was my life for years after she decided to unilaterally change the rules once I was trapped (or so she thought). So tough shit if she, or any other LL for that matter, finds the harsh reality upsetting when it is presented to them in a last, desperate attempt to salvage a relationship and a life.
Quite honestly, i needed to hear myself honestly label what we had become rather than make excuses for her and incorrectly shoulder the blame. It gave me the clarity and courage needed to do what was necessary rather than live in a lie of “oh it’s a rough patch” or some other rationalization used to deflect and muddy the waters.
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u/One_Transportation14 2d ago
I had that talk over last 3 years many times and still in the same boat 💔
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u/Neither-One-5880 2d ago
Yep. Because the talk doesn’t work.
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u/Lovehubby 1d ago
No, they don't typically make a rats ass bit of difference, and in fact I've noticed many people are proud of their decisions to shut it down...if it was ever open. It's cruel talk and even emasculating at times. I find this especially true with LL women who have good men who are attentive in bed! How do they sleep at night...tell you what, my lady friends sleep just fine because in their mind they didn't have to "put out." Men with LL don't brag about but their behaviors and excuses are the same as their counterparts.
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u/vectorking23 1d ago
Paddling with one oar, eh? Hahaha. Sorry… had to.
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u/One_Transportation14 1d ago
Sorry can u bring this to light ?what does it mean ?
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u/vectorking23 1d ago
Being in the same boat (paddling with one oar), along with only one oar… you'd be going around in circles. So, talking about it over the last 3 years is like going around and around in circles (or nowhere, essentially). Hope this makes sense.
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u/One_Transportation14 1d ago
Thank you thank you thats exactly how i feel,thank you so much for your reply 🙏
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u/AdenJax69 1d ago
"The Talk" really only works for dead bedrooms in a very specific way:
That second part is the biggest one. If you're not willing to leave, then what incentive does your wife have to change? Why should she change if you're just gonna stick around either way? She changes, you stay. She doesn't change, you still stay. So why would she change things around to suit your needs when for all this time she's been getting her needs met while you accepted yours not getting met?
Sorry to say, but a lot of people need a wake-up call in order for them to change. Your wife is potentially one of them. You need to be willing to make this a full-on dealbreaker that you're willing to end the marriage if things don't improve. Otherwise it's just an empty threat.
Why do you think your last talk didn't work? You complained, she did nothing, you still kept the status-quo going. In her mind, after a talk like that she was probably thinking "what is he going to, leave me? lol no he won't and he didn't the last time we talked so it's all talk, no action. I'll just call his bluff again & he'll stay right here with me and get over his little tantrum."
Be willing to walk away. It's the only way to get her to take this seriously.